ok, these aren't meant to be taken seriously. BUT IT COULD HAVE HAPPENED!! we don't know anything about Schwartz (with the unhappy exception of Farfarello/Jei). it could be this way! you don't know i'm wrong!

anyway, read and have a laugh.

~*Schwartz Histories*~

Nagi: Born to a prestigous family of sorcerers, but at first appeared to have only limited empathy. Disgusted, they turned him into a goldfish. They quickly reversed their judgement of him when he blew up his tank, and tried to get him admitted to Hogwarts. They failed, because they were not British and had no discernable accents. Left at home with nothing to do, he developed pedophilia because the emotions of children are less complicated, and he was too lazy to figure out adult emotions. Joined Schwartz because he had the hots for Mamoru Takatori.

Schuldig: Born in Austria, which turned out to be difficult since he couldn't pronounce German due to latent American blood. Often mistaken for the child of rich American tourists, he endured being ingratiatingly displayed merchandise by hopeful shopkeepers all through his early life. This point became moot when he hit puberty and developed the power to read minds, and could thus imprint what he was going to say on their minds, no accent required. Later, in an effort to use his gift to discover what people considered "hot", he mistakenly read the mind of a passing bird and received that overwhelmingly flamboyant displays attract mates. Hence, the flaming orange hair, sunglasses, and frequent nicking of Crawford's red sports car. Joined Schwartz to pay off his hair care bills.

Crawford: Started life as a small boy in glasses, frequently teased. Intended to continue as "SexyMann8216" for the rest of his life, then received a premonition of his beatings in the future. He then took up bodybuilding to avoid them. He lost his faith ansd gained a desire to destroy the world when he looked into the future and discovered he wasn't ever going to get laid. In his intense bitterness, he quit his lucrative job as a stockmarket analyst and created Schwartz. Still advises Takatori on what stocks to buy.