Author's note: My goal is to post one of these each day until I run out of inspiration. I have several completed already.

They're Janet's Men. I've just given them some definition.

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Merry Men Bios

by Latetolove

Harold Gordon: aka Hal

Hal was born and raised in the rural town of Cawker City, Kansas. His mother ran off when Hal was only three, leaving his father to raise Hal, his baby brother Rafe, and his older brother George Jr., on his own. They made their living on a small farm, and for his fifth birthday, Hal received a calf. He coddled it, fed it, and spent the better part of the next two years enjoying its companionship and calling her his best friend until, one day, his father butchered it for meat. On his seventh birthday, he received another calf, and the sad tradition continued to repeat every two years. He always named them Sally.

Hal loved cars, and before he was twelve, could take apart and rebuild any engine on any car or tractor in town. He and his brothers converted the back of the barn into a home gym, and by the time he was 16, Hal could lift every car and tractor in town.

In High School, Hal played defensive end for five years. In a nod to his last name, and everyone's favorite superhero, he was affectionately nicknamed "The Commissioner", because he was the administrator of life threatening concussions to several of the opposing team's quarterbacks. When year six of high school became a looming possibility, he was mysteriously confirmed for graduation in an act many equated to the intent of a pity fuck. It was, however, wildly rumored that Christine Spellnick, the head guidance counselor, had been the mastermind of the maneuver due to the fact that, the following year, her own son was to become the starting quarterback for Greenfield Central; Cawker High School's main football rival.

The day after graduation, Hal enlisted in the US Army. He breezed through boot camp and was routinely, but affectionately, teased by the other soldiers for his overt love of the mess hall food. He'd never had better. His superior mechanical skills were immediately recognized by his CO, and he was transferred into the Wheeled Vehicle Mechanic Division, where he was trained to handle the maintenance and repair of light and heavy tactical vehicles and select armored vehicles. His enthusiasm, knowledge, and dedication eventually led him to become primarily responsible for supervising and performing maintenance and recovery operations on wheeled vehicles used in special ops missions. It was on one of these missions that he met a man named Carlos 'Ranger' Manoso, who later offered him a position in his new security company.

Because of his extreme timidity when it comes to the fairer sex, Hal experiences romance vicariously through the timeless country western songs of Johnny Cash and Hank Williams and the occasional playboy magazine left behind in the RangeMan break room. His coworker, Lester Santos, jokes that Hal wouldn't know what to do with a woman if she fell from the sky and landed in his lap. It's true. Since his mother had left them, the only woman to even get close enough to touch him had been Stephanie Plum, and that was so she could stun him with his own weapon. Hal has trouble speaking to females and shies away from social and job situations involving them. The one time exception being the FTA whose mother begged them not to take her son into custody. She was a large woman, maybe 300 pounds. Hal felt inexplicably drawn to her and spent several minutes assuring her that her son would not be hurt and would probably bond out again in no time. Her name was Sally.

Hal loves fried chicken and hates coffee, but buys a cup every morning at the Seven Eleven three blocks from RangeMan just to catch a glimpse of the "sweetest looking girl" he's ever seen. He has never looked her in the eye and has never spoken a word to her beyond a mumbled 'thank you'. Unfortunately, he never bothers to look back over his shoulder as he leaves. For if he did, he would see that the girl never takes her own coveting eyes off of him, until he's driven beyond her sight.