J.K. Rowling is not insane my dear readers. For if she was, this might just be the result. But since she is not, it is therefore apparent that she holds all rights to the Harry Potter franchise in concurrence with her publishers printers and plumber
Harry Potter and the Repellant Desire: Vol. 4
Dumbledore was nervous. Things were becoming a bit… unreliable in Hogwarts. One couldn't even count on a good old fashioned heterosexual relationship any more. And last week four students had spontaneously transform into giant Jellyfish. They had been unable to get the students to the water in time.
Filch had drowned to death in some of the goo.
But that wasn't the main reason Dumbledore was nervous. His date for the night was late and he feared that Lord Voldemort was behind it. Lord Voldemort was only angry because he hadn't gotten the red balloon Dumbledore had promised him in Diagon alley. It peeved Albus that because of that mistake, thousands of people were dead.
"Where are you my love, my darling?" Albus exclaim in concerned pain. There was a knock at the door. "Enter!" Dumbledore shouted. Snape walked in suavely. Dumbledore sighed.
"Hello… Headmaster…" Snape said as he sidled on over to the desk. Dumbledore looked at him.
"Severus… get the fuck out… I have a date you greasy piece of cow intestine and you are going to ruin it with your clear obsession with students that have money, power, and a active sex life," Dumbledore said. Snape nodded sadly before pulling out a broom and jumping out the window.
"OH! I REPLACED YOUR REAL BROOM WITH ONE FROM WALMART! MY BAD" Dumbledore shouted.
Screams echoed for a moment before a loud thwack was heard and his head bounced of the window sill.
The fireplace flared up with green flame. Dumbledore sat up excitedly. A loud hiss was heard and a thick serpent slithered out for the flames winding its… apparently attractive body toward the elderly wizard.
"Nagini! I had worried that the dark lord had killed you. Or worse! Castrated you…" Dumbledore sighed. Nagini whipped him in the face with her tail and he fell.
"Yeah Dumbledick… You like that don't you," Said Nagini in her Indian accent. "I'm going to punish you for being wasteful with your belongings Dumbledick. Let us take off your clothes…"
"Yes Nagini!" the old old man shouted. Soon he was naked.
"Ewwwww" Said Nagini. So she used her sharpish tail to gouged out her own eyes.
"Are you ok Nagini here, let me bend down to he- OW MY HIP! I BROKE MY HIP!" Dumbledore shouted as he bent down to sooth Nagini's profusely bleeding eyes. He rolled around for a few minutes, crushing the remaining bone into a fine powder.
"Kiss me Nagini!"
She bit off his jaw.
"you have been a dirty dirty boy Let me change that…" Nagini's tail went into a very private area. Dumbledore sighed.
The next morning Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, and Hermione Granger stumbled upon the mess that was left behind. Dumbledore's beaten and bloody corpse was on the ground, having died from a heart attack during the night's fun. Nagini was nowhere to be seen, though she clearly had not been at all dissuaded by the geezer's death.
"Oh dear…" Hermione said. Harry just pulled out a gun and shot him self as Ron pried out hs eyeballs with a pewter spoon.
