Disclaimer: I claim no characters other than my own. All characters not my own belong to either Eoin Colfer or J.K. Rowling.
A/N: This story is as fare removed from the cannon universe as characterly possible. It takes place after Last Colony and after Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.
Chapter One of Artemis Fowl and Hogwarts
Artemis looked at the crinkled letter once again and gave a minuscule sigh. The spidery handwriting was hard to read and the green ink didn't make it any easier.
"What is it, Master Artemis?" Butler inquired. Although he had scanned the letter for poisons, bombs, and other such things, he did not know what the letter said. If he needed to know, he figured Artemis would tell him.
"Oh, I have another offer from a boarding school," Artemis replied absentmindedly.
"Another school? Haven't you already graduated from secondary school?" Butler queried.
"Technically, I have not graduated from secondary school. Kevin Rickett has graduated from secondary school," Artemis corrected. He leaned back in his custom made chair and looked out over the London skyline. "I suppose I might as well accept the offer. Mother and Father have been urging me to go back to school. They feel that I have not had a proper education."
Butler snorted. According to him, Artemis had had a proper education by anyone's standards. Although they were several different assumed names and nationalities, Artemis had degrees in psychology, sociology, criminal justice, and several different languages.
The corners of Artemis' mouth turned up slightly. "Butler, please go call my parents and inform them that I have accepted the offer of a boarding school called Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry."
"More magic, Artemis? I though that after the fairies, you swore not to have anything to do with magic," Butler cut in.
"Yes, but I have been made an offer that will not only satisfy my curiosity, but will also satisfy my parents wish to have me attend school," Artemis explained. "Now, you might wish to shorten the name when you call them. They disapprove of my fascination with magic as much as you apparently do."
Butler sighed and left the study to do as Artemis asked.
Artemis examined the paper. He had been waiting for this letter for quite some time. But since he had arrived back in this dimension in what he supposed was the middle of their school year, it stood to reason that he had just received the letter. Artemis smiled his vampire grin. He was sure that there had been several arguments about him, since he was, according to his birth certificate, eighteen. Yet he felt, acted, and looked like any normal fifteen year old. Well, any normal fifteen year old that was a child prodigy, had discovered a race of beings that heretofore had been thought of only as silly superstitions, and had managed to steal some of a demon warlock's magic.
Artemis glanced at the slim, silver laptop sitting before on his dark mahogany desk. The desk's clean cut lines blended in with the rest of the traditional study. On the laptop was a flashing icon announcing that he had e-mail. Setting aside the piece of parchment that he was sure the letter had been written on, Artemis clicked on the icon. Immediately a voice cam blaring out of the speaker.
"Artemis! Do you have any idea how much trouble you're in? Stealing a demon warlock's magic, hiding it from us for over six months, and then, if that weren't enough, you're going to HOGWARTS!" Artemis raised an eyebrow, a mischievous glint in his eyes. Only Holly would believe that she had every right to berate him.
Mulch's voice came butting in. "Good job, Artemis!" Artemis gave a small smirk.
"Mulch! Don't encourage him! Artemis, we're coming to your flat." With that, Holly clicked off. The window disappeared from the screen. Artemis' smirk dropped, a small line forming between his eyebrows. His eyes, one hazel, one blue, stared at the black screen of the laptop. Butler walked into the study, the heavy wooden, carved door standing against the wall. The mahogany paneling stopped halfway up, giving way to burgundy paint. The two oil paintings hung on either side of the mahogany door. The wall directly across from the door was made entirely of glass. The other two walls consisted entirely of built in bookshelves. One wall of shelves was stuffed with books. The other wall had expensive pieces of technology wirring on every shelf.
"Artemis, we have company," Butler turning aside so that Artemis could see Holly and Mulch following him. They entered the room and paused beside Butler. Mulch's head came to just below Butler's knee. Holly's head hit Butler's knee when she tripped on the chocolate brown area rug covering the hardwood floors.
"Artemis! Good job! Brilliant! And then getting an offer from Hogwarts! You're a bloody genius!" Mulch cried running up to Artemis and pumping his hand up and down. Holly shoved Mulch out of her way on her way to berate Artemis. Mulch stared up at her, shocked. Holly had never intentionally harmed him before. He shook his head, and righted himself. Mulch glanced at Artemis and the incident was forgotten. Going over by Butler, Mulch began rocking back and forth, smiling like a proud parent, and placed his hands in his pockets.
"What were you thinking! No, don't answer that. You weren't thinking. Especially not of the results it could have on the fairy race," Holly shouted up at him. "You wer only thinking of yourself. Like usual," she added in a sneering tone. Holly's short, impish nose was wrinkled like Artemis was some week old road kill she had stepped in. Her legs were spread as if she were expecting Artemis to punch her. Holly's hair bristled much like an animal's ruff did when it encountered something it didn't like much. Artemis was sure that if looks could kill, he would be ash on the seat of his custom made office chair. Artemis' chin rested in one hand. The other hand fingers drummed a rhythm on the padded arm of his chair.
"Holly, I'm crushed," Artemis replied in a dry voice. He leaned back in his chair, affecting a lounging posture, not something he usually did. He took care not to wrinkle his uniform of black Armani suit, black dress shirt, and silver tie. He had chosen to go with a tie pin with his family crest engraved on it, instead of the more usual gold stud. His silver cuff links flashed in the sunlight.
"I'm sure you are," Holly sarcastically said. She had marched around the desk just so that she could spit the poisonous words into his face. Butler gave Holly a warning look, coming forward so that he stood behind Artemis.
"Holly, do you really blame me? If I had admitted that I still had some magic, the fairies would probably have tried to take it away," Artemis told her matter-of-factly.
"And for good reason," Holly shot at him. She jumped on the desk so that she could glare into his eyes. Her acrobatics earned her glares from Artemis and Butler. Holly took care not to step on Artemis' computer.
"I see where you're coming from, but that doesn't mean that you need to continue to insist on treating me like a criminal," Artemis coldly responded. He moved forward so he could lean on the desk, forcing Holly to the edge. His eyes went from bored and uninterested to piercing and cold. His face lost any hint of emotion. He looked as if he had no soul.
"Even though you are one," Holly heatedly questioned, bravely holding her ground.
"I admit that I have something of a . . . questionable past, but that is no reason to act as if you were interrogating me for first degree murder. May I remind you that all I have thus far done is accept an offer from a reputable boarding school? And might I add," Artemis had a frigid look on his face, "that I have welcomed you into my home and that you have thus far," Artemis stood to whisper the words in her ear menacingly, "treated me worse than a common pickpocket." Artemis' rigid face twisted into a cruel sneer at the last two words that he spat them from his mouth as if they were rubbish someone had forced onto his tongue. "I am not common," Artemis' voice, as cold and smooth as silk, warned, his mouth dangerously close to Holly's ear.
"She's treating you better than a pickpocket," Mulch muttered under his breath. He walked over to the shelves filled with technological marvels. He picked up a small cube, considered it, then set it down after noticing that Butler was watching him. Butler, seeing Mulch return the cube, returned his attention to the fight.
Holly, meanwhile, had been turning a peculiar shade of puce. "After all you've done, to me, to the fairy race, to-to EVERYONE, you dare to chastise me for merely being IMPOLITE when I question you!" she shrieked. Her face would have put Julius Root's to shame.
"Politeness a virtue. One that you, apparently, need to work on," Artemis noted as he sat back down.
Holly stared at him in disbelief. Butler and Mulch looked on in awe. Never had they seen Holly reduced to speechlessness. Nor had they ever seen Artemis get so angry. Both of them would have sworn the temperature had dropped twenty degrees during the fight. Holly finally turned on her heel, jumped down from the desk, and left, calmly shutting the study door. Mulch winced at the soft click. Everyone jumped when they heard the door slam two floors down. They cringed as they heard mirrors shatter. Butler had come round the desk to stand between Artemis and the door.
"Artemis, don't you think you should try to apologize?" Mulch asked tentively, after a few seconds.
"Yes. But I have a better chance of surviving the encounter if I wait for her to calm down," Artemis softly replied. He stared at his office door, surprised that Holly would react in such a manner. It wasn't like her.
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"It worked," Holly whispered into the mike. She practically bounced with excitement, as she hid outside. Her face was split in two by her wild grin.
"Yes! I finally managed to pull a prank on Artemis Fowl the Second. How much longer till the potion wears off?" Holly's voice came through the speaker in the elf's helmet. The elf that stood outside Artemis' flat could almost see the grin on the other Holly's face, her joy was so apparent.
"I've got about five minutes. He's going to have to buy new mirrors," the elf said. Slamming the door that hard hadn't been in the script, but Artemis had made her so mad.
"Hmmm. I'm going have to have to apologize that much quicker then. Anyway, I'm on my way over to pick you up right now, Hermione."
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!!WARNING!! IT WILL BE A WHILE BEFORE I UPDATE. LACK OF INTERNET. SORRY!!
