Title: The Return
Author: JaneDoh
Disclaimer: Does anything even need to be said here? I mean, duh, it is FANfiction.
Dedication: This story is dedicated to Rarge. For being such a pain in the arse and insisting I watch a show called Battlestar Galactica. Thanks mate!
Sam glanced around furtively then leant ever so slightly towards Chief before speaking, as though those extra few inches would somehow grant their conversation more privacy. 'I don't know how much longer I can handle this.' He tried to portray a nonchalant demeanour, one elbow resting against the side of the viper as they talked, in the hope that to any unobservant passer-by it would appear as though two friends were merely having a chat. But from Chief's proximity, he could see the nervous shake of Sam's hand and the dark circles that framed exhausted eyes.
Chief wiped the grease from his hands, keeping his attention focused on the rag as he responded barely above a whisper. 'We're all doing it tough, Sam.' The tone of his voice carried a sense of understanding, yet it couldn't completely quell the anger that also lingered. 'But we can't talk about this out in the open.' He looked at Sam then, determination in his eyes. 'We made our choice. And we have to carry on as though nothing has changed for us…all four of us. You know how much is at risk if anyone finds out who we really are.' He bent down then, sorting through an array of tools that lay sprawled on the ground below the viper, trying to regain the normality his life had held a few days earlier: before Sam, Tori, Tigh and he had shared their revelation.
'I know,' Sam began, crouching down until he was level with Chief, 'but I just need to know that it isn't just me having these nightmares…these blanks in my memory where I'm not quite sure what I've done…these…compulsions.' He spat the final word out, as though disgusted that his brain was rebelling against him. 'I mean, it isn't even like a tiny voice in my head telling me what to do, because I could handle that – just ignore it and carry on – it is like a…' he paused for a while, struggling with how to explain the irrationality of the whole situation, '… a knowing. And it is getting worse.' Chief looked up from his tools then and saw the hopelessness in Sam's eyes; the same emotion he saw in himself when he looked in the mirror each morning as he willed himself to make it through the day despite the chaos that resided within him. 'I feel like I am fighting myself.'
'Well, we just have to,' Chief hissed through clenched teeth. 'I'm not willing to give up everything because some frakking switch flipped and wants me to betray who I am. Do you?'
'Of course not,' Sam retorted, his voice involuntarily rising in agitation. 'But that is my whole point. It is as though this is who I really am. And what scares me is that I will do something terrible, but will feel it is right.'
Chief wanted to confide in him: that he knew exactly how Sam was feeling; that he also feared how long he could resist; that he sensed the intangible barrier between the four of them and everyone else on Galactica. But this was no time for a heartfelt conversation about how they were dealing with their new-found knowledge. He looked towards the back of the room and caught Cally's eye as she walked towards them, a slightly questioning expression on her features. 'You just gotta deal with it,' he managed to utter before his wife was within hearing range.
'You nearly finished?' Cally asked as she neared the two men. 'I was just about to go and get Nicky.'
'Yeah, my shift actually finished fifteen minutes ago. Some knuckle-dragger can finish up here.' Chief grasped her hand, squeezing it gently. 'Let's go get our son.' He briefly glanced sideways at Sam, an almost imperceptible nod indicating his acknowledgement of what they were both forced to cope with, before following Cally into the hallway.
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Everything was changing. Kara sat on the edge of her bunk, staring blankly at the floor as she pondered over that fact. Since she had returned, it was as though she had come back to a community where everyone looked the same but acted differently. Although she had been cleared of being a cylon, she may as well have been one: the suspicious stares and guarded whispers of the other members of Galactica were a constant reminder that she would struggle to regain trust and credibility amongst her colleagues. A sarcastic laugh escaped her lips: her reputation was already tainted enough, so what harm could one more indiscretion really add?
Sam was clinging to her as though their twisted past was all forgiven and he would be there to protect her from now on; it was almost suffocating. Strangely comforting at times, yet suffocating. And that love that she had felt for him back on New Caprica was re-ignited; even if not as intense as before, it was definitely there. The realisation that she may never have seen him again had softened her a little – not that she would ever admit it – and she felt a slight guilt at what he had endured during her absence and the tumultuous months preceding it.
She remembered when she had gotten out of that viper four days ago. Despite Lee informing Galactica that they were coming home, it wasn't until the crew had visual confirmation did it really sink in that she had returned, and although her initial impulse guided her to Lee in an ecstatic embrace, she soon spied Sam over Lee's shoulder, walking towards her in disbelief, and the strength of their vow to each other hit her full force. She recalled her hands dropping limply from Lee's back as he released her; the controlled walk of Sam as he moved closer; the numbness in her legs as she stood there in anticipation; the solace of his embrace as he pulled her tightly to his chest. But in the last week, she had noticed the slight seriousness to his personality emerging more often, the carefree and optimistic Sam that she had initially fallen for slowly retreating. At times there was almost a haunting sadness in his eyes, as though he was battling his own demons. She shrugged to herself; maybe that was part of the appeal. Typical Starbuck: feeling more deserving of a broken Sam and the uncertainty that came with it. It was a familiar emotion for her so she felt a warped sense of comfort from the predicament.
And then there was Lee. Although it was only a brief hug, the intensity of it spoke volumes. Despite the overwhelming feeling of relief that accompanied it, there was also the merest sense of possessiveness. It was probably a good thing that she spotted Sam when she did, because she could have allowed herself to become immersed in the moment, a little too easily. But the conversation between her and Lee that last time before she had gone missing was the verbal indicator of what fate had planned for them: that the paths they had chosen denied progression. And she hadn't seen him since her return, but whether by chance, or by a pointed effort on his part, she wasn't sure.
Kara sighed as she lay herself down on her back, her feet dangling over the edge of the bunk. Why did things always have to be so complicated? She had thought several times over the last few days that maybe it would have been better if she never returned at all, but then she reminded herself that those thoughts were just a product of her selfishness. She had a mission to guide the fleet to Earth, and if there was one trait Kara Thrace possessed that could be relied upon, it was an unwavering determination to carry out her duty.
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It had to be close to twenty-three hundred hours. Kara was sure that by now the rest of the pilots would be spilling alcohol around the triad table, falsely accusing each other of cheating before laughing the incident off and pouring another round of drinks. She partly wished she was there, letting the alcohol addle her brain and the raucous behaviour drown out any thoughts of her own. But it was still in that awkward phase since her return, as though she was the new kid at school with a jaded reputation; hopefully it was a feeling that would fade with time. She was stirred from her reverie as she felt the back of Sam's hand tracing down the side of her cheek.
'What you thinking about?' he asked, as he smoothed his fingers over the worry lines that furrowed her brow.
She sighed slightly before rolling over till she was perched above him. 'Nothing,' she lied, scrunching up her nose as she smiled down at him. They probably had a good hour before the first of the crew came stumbling into the room to pass out for the remainder of the night, but the curtain was already drawn, just in case. Her elbows rested either side of his ribcage, allowing her to prop her head up while the remainder of her naked frame rested upon his. She ducked her head down and kissed him on the tip of his nose. 'Why? What were you thinking about?' She saw that light-hearted smile spread across his face before he snaked a hand behind her neck to pull her closer as he softly pressed his lips against hers. It was moments like this that reminded her of when they were first on New Caprica, able to explore each other without the worries of defending humanity to haunt them. His hand slid from her neck to her shoulder, brushing past the patch stuck over her shoulder blade. She could feel his fingertip following the edges of the patch as he pulled back slightly. She slowly opened her eyes to gaze into his, and saw that recent seriousness overcome him.
'Have you considered taking this off at some point?' She gave him a short laugh in response, but when he didn't share her reaction, she tried giving him her best you-must-be-crazy look.
'You do know what this is for, right?' she asked half-joking, unsure of how genuine his question was.
'I was just thinking that maybe since all that has happened lately, you might have changed your mind.'
'Who are you, and what have you done with my husband?' She tried to maintain the playful banter, but Sam wasn't faltering from his question and she was no longer able to hide the slightly confused expression from her face. 'You never mentioned anything about this before.'
'Maybe some things have changed since you were gone.' She could see there was something more that he was not saying – he had never excelled at lying to her. His eyes quickly flicked sideways before returning to look into hers and he continued as though he was trying to justify himself. 'I mean, we know where Earth is now. So once you take us there we will have a permanent place to settle. I just thought that now the future seems more stable, you might have considered it.'
She gave him a pointed stare, with just enough seriousness to let him know that his request was not going to eventuate. 'Sam, it's a ridiculous idea. I'm a pilot. The amount of G-forces I pull in that viper would crush his little skull. And you know I'm not going to give up flying.' She felt an uncharacteristic pang of guilt as she saw the defeat she had caused, but she knew it was better to settle the issue now before it progressed; hopefully he would forget about it soon enough. She despised the awkward silence that now lingered between them, so tried to make light of the matter. 'You don't want to end up with a dim-witted child do you?'
She could see him debating the idea, before reality appeared to win the argument and his carefree smile returned. 'Hey, I never said he had to take after his mother.'
He was ready for the playful slap aimed at his head and grabbed her wrist, tracing his thumb over her palm before bringing the back of her hand to his lips, kissing it gently. She responded with a cheeky grin. 'Well, at least you haven't managed to ruin the mood completely,' she conceded. He mirrored her smile then shifted until he was on top of her, kissing her deeply as his hand followed a line down her sternum and over her stomach.
XXXXXXXXX
Sam rubbed at his eyes, blinking several times until he saw his own image reflected back at him in the mirror of the deserted bathroom. He had no idea what time it was. The haziness in his brain was gradually subsiding, but regaining control of his senses was doing nothing to explain why he was alone in the bathroom with the contents of Kara's toiletries bag scattered before him and blood trickling from the tip of his index finger. He automatically shoved his finger in his mouth - the rusty flavour insulting his tastebuds - before dragging it out to inspect the damage: a deep cut in the pad. He rummaged through Kara's bag with his uninjured hand until he found a bunch of sticky bandages scattered at the bottom and pulled one out, wrapping it around his finger. There was only a single drop of blood on the bench in front of him; obviously the cut had distracted him from whatever it was he had been doing. A small blade snapped from a razor rested beside a neat pile of Kara's patches. Sam tentatively picked up one of the squares from the top of the pile, turning it over in his hands. He had never really taken a detailed look at one before, but it appeared the same as any other he had seen. He carefully placed it back and moved his attention to the blade, holding it delicately as though one false move may double his injuries. There was a tiny spot of blood at one end.
What the hell have I been doing? He wasn't granted much more time to ponder the issue as Racetrack stumbled into the bathroom, her toothbrush clenched in one hand. Sam had enough time to shove everything back into the bag before her eyes focused.
She gave him a tipsy smile. 'I can't get to sleep with the taste of ambrosia still in my mouth.' She made her way to the nearest sink and steadied herself against it then held the tube of toothpaste in front of her, squeezing it with a look of concentration. Despite her determination, only half of the toothpaste actually made it onto the brush, the remainder plopping into the bottom of the sink. 'I thought you headed off to bed ages ago,' she slurred through a mouthful of paste. 'You and Starbuck have another fight?' she questioned, laughing at the thought. Obviously she was one of those people whose tact went out the window when they'd had too much to drink.
'Yeah, she stabbed me,' he responded dryly as he made his way out the door, hearing her laughter echo through the bathroom. Sam wasn't overly concerned with their exchange - it wasn't like she was even going to remember the conversation the next day; she'd be lucky to make it back to her bunk in her current state. He continued down the empty hallway, his mind in tumultuous debate. No matter how hard he tried, he had no idea how or why he had ended up in that bathroom. But the most important thing now was to get that bag back to Kara before she noticed it was missing. Hadn't Chief and he just had this discussion about acting normally? And here he was, creeping down a darkened hallway in the middle of the night with a woman's toiletries bag clutched in his hand.
Nice work, Anders, he chided himself. And it was only as he made his way back into the bunkroom did he realise that he didn't even know how he was going to get the bag back in Kara's locker. Concluding that he didn't really have an option at this point, he edged his way into the room, willing the hatch to close as quietly as possible behind him. He quickly scanned the room. Every curtain except two was drawn: Racetrack's and Kara's. He quietly made his way to Kara's bunk, thanking the gods when he noticed the sheet was resting just below her neck. It wasn't as though the other members of the room hadn't copped an eyeful of each others' bits in the past – it was basically unavoidable every now and then with the living arrangements – but the thought of a drunken nugget ogling his wife was a little disconcerting. He carefully tested the locker door but it was firmly shut so he tried deciphering the numbers but it was too dark. He scanned the rest of the room and noticed a small gap between the end of Kara's bunk and the lockers, deciding to hide it there for now until he could work out the locker combination when there was more light. He placed it in the space then stood up, resolving to head back to his own quarters and make his excuses in the morning. He tugged at the curtain before he left, failing to notice Kara's hand resting against it, and she stirred at the sensation. She groggily peered at him through one eye.
'You're half naked,' she stated plainly, doing her best to whisper in the semi-darkness. Sam looked down, realising for the first time that he was in his underwear. She made a feeble grab for his hand as she began drifting back to sleep. 'Get in before someone notices.' She yawned as her eye drooped closed and Sam could hear her breaths deepening before he had even finished squeezing beside her and closing the curtain.
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Kara grabbed for her bra and tank top that were tangled amongst the sheets at the foot of the bunk, performing a minor contortionist act to dress herself in the confined space. The first sight that greeted her as she climbed over an exhausted Sam and emerged from behind the curtain of her bunk was Hot Dog rolling his eyes as he spotted the visitor.
'No wonder you didn't turn up at the card game last night,' he teased. 'Seems you had a better offer.'
'Jealous?' she retorted as she made her way closer to him. 'Don't worry, we weren't doing anything while you were in the room.' He was almost a foot taller than her, yet she emitted a formidable aura despite her smaller stature. 'So you'll just have to have a wet dream about something else.' She gave him a falsely sweet smile before patting him on the cheek then turned and headed towards her locker to retrieve some fresh clothes. She actually grinned as she made her way to the locker: teasing and innuendo were her forte. She preferred people outwardly giving her crap than forced greetings and false smiles as she passed them. Maybe things were getting back to normal - well, as normal as could be expected. And it was also her first day back in the viper. She was actually looking forward to her day for the first time since she had been back on Galactica. However, her happiness was short-lived as she opened the door to her locker.
'Very funny guys,' she shouted to no-one in particular. 'Where the frak is my bag?'
Her query was only met by non-committed shrugs until she heard one voice shout out something about her not even drinking the night before and still managing to lose stuff. She grabbed her towel and pointedly slammed the locker door, which swung on its hinges due to the force, before heading to the showers. She would just have to find it later.
It didn't take her long to reach the bathroom, and she quickly showered and dressed before making her way back to the bunkroom.
Sam had managed to hide the bag back in her locker during her absence and was just pulling his shirt over his head as a string of muttered profanities heralded her return. 'You okay?' he asked as she entered the room.
'Yeah,' she told him, a disgruntled scowl on her face. 'Just some wise-guy thinks it must be funny to hide my stuff.'
'What have you lost?'
'My toiletries bag, but I don't have time to worry about that now. I have to get to the briefing.'
'It's in your locker,' he informed her. 'I saw you put it in there yesterday,' he said, before suddenly becoming very interested in tying the laces on his shoes. 'You got the shits when you couldn't find something and threw it up the back.' When she didn't move, he risked a glance at her. 'Don't you remember?'
She gave him a disbelieving stare, but made her way to the locker and pulled it open anyway. Sure enough, when she shuffled past the rest of the junk crammed into the small space, the bag was there. She shook her head slightly, disturbed by her inability to recall putting it there. Then again, it had been a distracting and sleep-deprived few days; she couldn't really blame her brain for losing snippets of memory.
She grabbed the bag and sorted through the contents till she found one of the patches. She then placed her hand over her shoulder, picked at the edges of the old patch until one of the corners curled slightly, then pulled it away from her skin before placing the new one over the same area. The bag was then hastily tossed back into the locker, which was unceremoniously shoved closed with her elbow.
'Gotta go,' she said as she passed Sam. She was almost out the door before she felt his hand grasp her just above her elbow. She looked down at the point of contact and her eyes were still trailing back to his face when she noticed him leaning towards her. He gently kissed her on the lips, just a little longer than seemed necessary. As they pulled apart, she opened her eyes and tilted her head to the side slightly with a questioning look. He just smiled in response and she couldn't help but return the gesture as she walked backwards the last few steps out into the hallway then turned and continued on her journey.
A few seconds passed before Sam let out a sigh, his hand moving up to rub at his eyes before absently continuing upwards to run through his hair. He took one last look at the locker before making his way out of the room.
XXXXXXXXX
Kara hurried down the empty hallway, concentrating on fastening the remainder of the buttons on her flight jacket. Admiral Adama had already confirmed a few days earlier that she would be reinstated as flight instructor, but that she needed to attend a few briefings from the gallery side first to catch up on what she had missed in her absence. And he had also ordered that more of her time be spent in an advisory capacity to assist in navigating the fleet towards Earth. She resented the decrease in flying time, but an order was an order. The few recovery days had seemed to drag, and she was eager to get back in the cockpit again. She was just pushing the last button through the corresponding hole in her jacket when she suddenly crashed into a figure emerging from a doorway.
'Lee,' she uttered in surprise, for lack of anything more profound coming to mind. She felt that familiar warm wave wash through her as her eyes swept over the gap where his unbuttoned officer's jacket hung open, allowing a limited view of the tanks underneath that contoured to the muscles of his chest. Her mind started to register that something seemed out of place; something Sam had told her. A slight glint of light bouncing from the golden wings pinned to his chest jogged her memory.
'I heard somewhere that you'd joined the ranks of the civilians.' She waited in anticipation, unsure whether the information she had heard was wrong, or that there were more changes aboard Galactica that were yet to reach her ears. After all, she hadn't been socialising much so she wasn't really surprised that she was behind with any news.
'You heard right. But I just received a memo saying,' he started, before continuing with a tone of disdain, 'my presence is requested to discuss the reinstatement of my position as CAG and resolve professional differences.' He looked exhausted; his eyes were sunken a little deeper than usual and his normally proud shoulders had the slightest droop to them. 'Let's just say it's been a chaotic few weeks.'
'Must have been,' she agreed. 'I can't believe we haven't managed to run into each other since I got back. You'll have to fill me in on everything I've missed.' She could sense that he was dealing with a lot at the moment and that he was teetering on confiding in her, but had been burnt too many times before to say too much.
'Maybe later,' he decided with a shrug. 'Anyway, I have to get to this meeting with the President and the Old Man.'
Kara could feel the tension rising, deciding it was best to suggest a more relaxed location to catch up: somewhere that they could just forget all the crap that had happened and enjoy that friendly company they had once shared. 'I think it's about time we get back to that triad table; remind those nuggets who really owns the room.'
'Look, Kara,' he began, his eyes dropping to the floor, 'Dee and I are going through a rough patch at the moment.' He hazarded a look at her then. 'I don't really think it's appropriate.'
She let out a condescending snort. 'So now you can't even go out for a game of cards with your friends?' If there was one thing Lee was sure of, it was that Kara would keep pushing away until she got what she wanted. And when he thought about it, was it really such an unreasonable request? Was he expected to just sit around and mope because Dee had packed her bags and walked out on him? But the flip side of his conscience reminded him that he was technically still married, and that being seen with the woman who was largely responsible for Dee and his current predicament was only going to end with someone getting hurt. And in all likelihood, it was going to be more than just one of them.
'Oh come on, Lee. There will be a roomful of witnesses to attest to our respectable behaviour.' She could see his mind shuffling through the possible consequences; it wasn't going to take too much more to convince him. She leant a little closer giving him a mischievous grin. 'I promise I won't try to seduce you.'
He closed his eyes briefly and smiled at her overtly manipulative manner; it obviously hadn't taken Starbuck long to make an appearance in full force. When he opened his eyes, she was giving him her patented wide-eyed look of innocence that he knew had fooled many before him, yet he still found hard to resist. 'Okay… okay,' he relented. 'I'll come.'
'That's a bit presumptuous of you, isn't it?' she asked, giving him a wink then turned to continue down the hallway before he had a chance to respond. 'See ya later,' she shouted over her shoulder, the words echoing off the steel walls as she disappeared around the corner.
