Okay... I decided to publish this One Shot. I must warn you. If you did not read the description completely. There will be Character death. You can properly predict who it is.
Anyway. I think it is the perfect time to publish it.
Enjoy the pain~
Nagisa POV
Another day at home. Another time where I had to have one of my arguments with my mother. She was trying over and over again to convince me on changing class and I always told her that I liked it there. E-class is the best place I have ever been… She yelled at me again this morning for being a 'stubborn' child, she said. I was sure of she would try to make me change class anyway and had a whole lot of reasons for why.
These mornings and also in the evenings, were always either silent or filled with arguments. I would always go to my room as my mother's words would become more and more hurtful. She would call me things, make me feel bad about things that are not even my fault. Sometimes, bad about myself. I kept on convincing myself in that she was right. Even though I deep inside knew it was not true. My heart had been broken so many times that is was impossible to try anything else than thinking it was true.
When I would be trying to cheer he up, she would always ruin the moment with something about school, my friends or my look. I hardly ever tried to talk back at her anymore. I had always been thinking bad of myself after all those years after my father left. I hated it and wanted it to end. She had been psychically violent towards me in the past, but somehow she found out that words hurt even more than a few punches. The worst things she sometimes would tell me was that I was fat, or had weird friends and I should try to do so many things that we both knew were impossible for me at this age. I am still only 14 years old…
My heart could not take much anymore. If I just got an ironic compliment, I would properly lock down emotionally and do not say anything about it. The only place I feel a bit better mentally, was in the E-class. Everyone were not my mother, but I knew deep inside, the smallest thing that was serious meant, could break me.
This morning, something new happened. Not good though. I had another argument with my mother. She called me names and said I was a brat, but I did not see the last thing come.
"Seriously… I wish you never had been born. Everything would be easier without you!" My mother left the kitchen right after that in rage. All I could do was feeling my emotions get out of control. I had heavy breathing, I could feel the sweat. I embraced myself and clearly knew this had a big impact on me. I smiled all of a sudden.
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"Maybe she is right…?"
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I calmed down without doing anything. I let go of myself and let my hands fall like a doll loose on strings. My emotions got under control, but it was like they left me after that. I felt empty inside and nothing but thoughts about her last comment.
"I wish you never had been born. Everything would be easier without you!"
I did not even argue with it. I just thought…. She was right. My sad smile formed on my lips as I concluded it. She was right… She is right…. It would be better without me. I collected enough energy and courage to take my school bag and left the apartment. I wished for somebody to help me, but I did not want to a burden to anyone. Maybe I could forget about it in school… I hoped so.
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"I must not let them know at all."
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I made it to school. As I sat in the classroom all by myself, I had my notebook in front of me. I looked down at it while I felt my hand holding the pen, tremble. I had to get my feelings down on paper before anyone would arrive. I made it.
As I had written todays little note. I hid it away in my bag. I felt a bit better, but only enough to put on my typical façade. They all came in soon after and were talking with one another. I greeted them like I always did, a fake smile that seemed real to them. That was good enough.
"Good Morning Nagisa!" Kayano greeted me with a warm smile. I smiled back and greeted, but I somehow got this evil thought inside my head.
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That was a fake smile. She doesn't like me.
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"Good Morning Nagisa!" Sugino also greeted me with a warm smile.
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Another fake smile. Why do they even smile at me? Why act..?
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I had had these thoughts about everyone since a week ago. My mother had told me that everyone were lying to me. They all did not like me at all and lied to me in order to have me close to them. I thought she was right once again about her statements. It had made me think nobody liked me in the class. Well. Not for real at least. Karma entered the classroom right before class would start. I gave him one of my only true smiles. I liked him a lot. I thought I loved him at the very least. I knew, today was the day I had to know if he had the same feelings for me. We were very close after all. So I wanted to know if anyone in this world really cared about me.
The school day went on as it always did. Assassination attempts on Koro-sensei. I joined in some of the times a well, just to keep up the façade. Lunch time came and I knew this was the time to know the true colors of my red haired friend. I took out my little box. It was actually the one from yesterday. Like I would have any appetite today. I did not prepare anything for today. Why would I? I might not even need it…
ALL POV
Karma came over to Nagisa's desk and smirked at him. The bluenette smiled awkward up at him as they both already planned from the morning that they were going to have lunch together.
"So, Are you coming?" the red head asked and smiled as he had a very little lunchbox and a strawberry milk with him. Nagisa nodded with a nervous smile and picked up his lunchbox. They went outside and farther up the mountain to were Karma often would be hiding when he would have lost to the octopus in some way. It was Karma's idea for going up there as he wanted to go away from the classroom as he was a bit tired of all the people around him all the time. They reached the edge and sat down some meters away from it. They sat by a tree stump and held their boxes in front of one another.
Nagisa was silent the first few minutes. He looked at his box and did not feel like doing anything at all.
"Aren't you going to eat anything?" Karma asked out of the blue. Nagisa smiled sadly and looked up at the red head who had started with drinking his strawberry milk. Karma looked a little confused at him and then just leaned back to relax.
"Karma…?" he got his attention and smiled a bit more to keep the façade. "Do you have someone you like?" he asked. Karma looked surprised at him and let his hand with the milk rest on his lap.
"What? What do you mean by like? In love like or in… well… no forget it. But, why?" he had not seen the question come and smirked a bit at it as he could not take it seriously.
"W-well… I just thought… You might like somebody… Do you have somebody you like in the love way?" Nagisa chose to ignore the little smirk. He hoped it would disappear after he would have said it. Karma sighed shortly as he could see it was a bit serious and thought about it. He chuckled shortly.
"Well… Not really… Not what I have thought about…" he smiled a bit and drank a little more before looking at the bluenette once more. He could see something was on his mind and it made him a little worried and was not sure what else to say or even think.
"I am just curious…" Nagisa decided to say. He clenched his grip in the lunchbox before proceeding with the conversation. He was very nervous about telling the red head about his feelings. He was not even sure what he would feel about a rejection. He knew it was possible, but somehow, he could only hope for a rejection. It was like… he expected it.
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Can I do this? What will happen if I get rejected?
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"Nagisa?" the red head caught his attention. Nagisa looked at him and noticed the worried look on his face. Nagisa put on his façade once again and smiled warmly. He just said it. He knew nothing would happen if he said nothing. He had to know the truth.
"Karma… I am in love with you…" he blushed a bit and looked down. Karma froze at the words and looked shocked at the bluenette. He was not sure what to say.
"Huh?" he was sure he heard wrong and smiled awkwardly at him. "What did you just say?" he whispered with a chuckle as he could not take it seriously. "Love me? You must be joking…" He started to laugh. Nagisa could feel his broken heart sink and his head just hang on his neck. He looked down on his box. He smiled very little.
"I am not joking…" he said and glanced at the red head. He could feel that he had to be ready for the final sentence. Karma stopped his laughing as he now knew it was serious meant. He scratched his neck shortly before finishing his milk. He gulped and looked at the bluenette once more and had to be positive, even with the answer he had to give.
"Nagisa... I really can't return your feelings... I don't feel that way for you." He answered with a wry smile and was somehow joking about it. Nagisa's world fell apart and knew he was not needed by anyone anymore.
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I knew it. Nobody wants me… They are all better off without me.
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"O-okay..." he chose to answer and placed the lunchbox beside his leg. He silently rose. He smiled with tears in his eyes and walked over to the edge without a word.
"Nagisa…?" Karma followed the bluenette with his eyes and was confused over his movements. He rose with his box in his hand and looked confused towards the bluenette. Nagisa stopped by the edge.
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Karma… I hope you will be happy.
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He turned around to face the red head with a hurt face. He smiled sadly, closed his eyes and within a second he just leaned backwards.
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Everyone. Be happy.
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Karma dropped everything he had in his hands as he saw it happen. He rushed over to try to catch the bluenette, but he fell before reaching the edge. He slid over the edge with his over body and had a hand reaching out for the fallen bluenette.
"NAGISA!" He screams out his name and was in shock. He saw the bluenette disappear between trees. He had to go down there. NOW.
He hurried to get down from the mountain and went to where Nagisa should be. He found the bluenette's body. It was a terrifying sight which made the heart inside of the red head's chest begin to race. He walked slowly, shocked over to it and realized it was true. The bluenette really did it. He fell to his knees and screamed out.
"WHY!?" he panted in his screams. He bend over and punched the ground right beside the body. "WHY NAGISA!? Why did you do it!?" He screamed out in shock. As he finally stopped screaming and calmed down, he started crying.
As the time went by, Koro-sensei went out to look for his students. It was normal for Karma to be skipping, but when Nagisa was the one not showing up, he decided to go look for them. He found out what had happened and was very shocked over the situation. An ambulance drove away with the body. The class got to know about the incident and everyone was shocked over it. Karma was asked if he wanted someone to talk to, but he rejected them. He felt so frustrated inside and did not have any strength to talk with anyone. He could not stop the questions he himself had inside. Why…?
Nagisa's family got to know about the suicide and the one who felt most devastated was his mother. She told the police that she had no idea about why he would do such a thing.
Karma on the other hand, had another idea, but he wanted to know if his fears where to be.
Under the burial, he had permission to go into the diseased bluenette's room. He looked around and sighed sadly as he remember last time he was there. Remembering the good moments he had with his friend… was like a nightmare to him now.
He started to look for notebooks. He knew the bluenette was writing a whole lot down. He hoped to find something like a diary or notes. He sighed as he did not find anything. Properly nothing… He was about to walk out of the door while glancing at the bed, as he noticed something under the madras. He hurried over to it and took out the thing he saw. It was a diary. He sighed shortly releaved as he knew this was what he was looking for.
January 1st 200*.
Dear Diary. My parents got divorced. I don't understand why. My mother started to blame me for being born a boy. Why?
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Dear diary. I knew it was her true feelings when she said those things to me. Once again, she told me she wished I was born a girl. She hate it that I am going to start in the E-class after the break.
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Dear diary. She told me she wants me to change classes. I rejected and talked back at her which resulted in her slapping me. She slapped me. Am I a bad son?
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Dear diary. I no longer feel loved by my mother at all. We only fight when we are together.
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Dear Diary. I have lost every single faith I had in anyone.
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Dear Diary. My mother almost made me turn down my friends as she told me they would not even care if I did. Maybe she is right. Even so. I am glad I went with them. We had fun…
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Dear diary. I need somebody to love me.
The entries got more and more depressing as Karma turned over the pages. He reached the last page and it was a few months old. He knew there had to be more. He looked at the school bag hanging on the chair. He gulped and rose from the bed after leaving the first diary on bed. He searched the bag and found the other diary. This is quite new…
"Karma…?"
Kayano knocked on the door as she entered. She had red eyes from crying and had just stopped crying. He looked surprised at her and held onto the book in his hands. "What is that?" Karma looked at it once before looking at her as he decided it would be okay for her to know.
"I had a feeling that he had a reason for doing what he did… So… I was checking for diaries.. There are entries in these two from a few years back. There were more and more entries after Koro-sensei appeared in our class." He explained. She looked surprised at him.
"Are you saying… he was mentally unstable…? How can that be? He was smiling all the time…" she said frustrated and felt like crying. Karma read some of the first pages in the other diary.
"Read this… It might explain it…" he said with a soft voice and showed it to her. He clearly showed of some frustrated glance.
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Dear Diary. Hiding my true feelings really saves me from getting hurt even more. Kayano always gives me that kind smile. I hope to see more of those…
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"He was hiding it…" she concluded. They both read the rest together. It was getting worse…
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Dear Diary. I was slapped again today. She said she wanted me to stay in my room without dinner. I am hungry… Maybe I should make my stomach used to more rarely to get food?
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Dear Diary. I have started to feel weird when I am around Karma. What is this? My heart cannot relax when I am around him…
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Dear Diary. Mother was cruel to me today. Convinced me in that my friends doesn't like me. None of them never told me their true feelings… I want to get away. But… I need to get through with my education. I still have a future… right?
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Dear Diary. I have realized it… I like Karma in a way far more than just friends…
Kayano read it and stared at the red head to see his reaction. His calm look made her confused and chose to ignore it for now. She read the rest along with him. They read through the entries and reached the latest. The latest four entries.
Dear Diary. My mother called me things. Things I can't even mention. My heart has been broken by those things. I feel my heart is no longer possible to repair. Do I even trust anyone?
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Dear Diary. Another day with criticism by my mother. I didn't say anything as she scolded me for nothing. She was just in a bad mood once again today. She told me that my friends doesn't like me again and I should drop them. Maybe she is right?
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Dear Diary. Here I am. I am me. I know I am me. Or.. am I? I hope so. My mother told me I am nothing. She hate me for not being the child she wanted. She is properly right. I am not the child anyone wants…
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(The day he committed suicide)
Dear Diary. My mother really said it. She wished I never had been born. Nobody wants me. Those fake smiles. I hate them. I have decided to take a last chance. I will tell Karma about my feelings. Will he accept them? I hope… or else… where should I go? Maybe… I should just disappear.
Karma looked at the next page, but it was blank. He could feel his heart get heavy and tears were trying to force their way out of his eyes. Kayano looked shocked at it. Did she really just read this?
"Karma… Did he confess to you?" she asked in a shock and looked shocked at him. He nodded shortly before letting his tears fall. "What did you answer?" She asked even though she knew the answer.
"I rejected him… I… rejected his feelings…" he felt very guilty now. The red head felt so bad about it all and bend over. "If I had accepted them… He might not have jumped…" He whispered and covered his mouth. Kayano could see it. He felt guilty. She then looked at the last entry.
"How could a mother say such a thing to her own child?" She blamed the mother more than her red haired classmate. She began crying as she thought about Nagisa again. She missed him and wished very much for she had known so she could have helped. Karma decided to let the book fall and embraced the girl. "Nagisa was so strong until his mother started breaking him… She broke him…"
"She has to pay…" Karma whispered and held her close. They sat there for a while.
As they both had calmed down, they walked out from the room with the diary in his hand. They agreed that it should be shown to the bluenette's mother.
Hiromi stood by the picture of her son which was surrounded by flowers and more. She was still sobbing as she turned and saw the two of them approach her. She saw a book in Karma's hand and saw Nagisa's name on it.
"I told you, you mustn't touch anything in there!" she exclaimed in anguish and was about to reach out for it, but Karma made sure she did not grab it.
"I want you to read this. Nagisa left behind one kind of a suicide letter! I want to hear why you would say something like that to your own son…" he said with a cold look and was pretty angry with the woman. Everyone looked shocked at them as they heard what Karma said. They did not know what was going on, but they heard most of it and knew it had something to do with Nagisa.
Hiromi looked confused at him and then at the book. She reached out her hand to receive the book. He was not happy to give it to her, but he hoped for the right reaction after she would have read it.
He opened the diary and found the last entry once again and then handed it over to her. She read it and soon after a shocked expression showed on her face. She covered her mouth and fell to her knees. Karma was relieved to see her in pain as she started to cry for real. She now knew, her words drove him to the edge. No. Over the edge.
Karma himself, came over it. He knew that there was nothing more to do. He saw a bit pain in the bitch's face and it was enough for him. He could finally blame someone than himself for the bluenette's actions.
He did wish for a chance to turn back time to save his bluenette.
Sounds like it would awesome with another chapter about Karma saving him, but nope. Won't happen. Goodnight guys and thanks for reading ^^
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