What do people like? Heroes. That's what people like. And in this world of monsters and freaks that want to take over the world, that's what people look up to. Heroes that can punch through a twenty-foot dragon without even blinking. Heroes that can lift boulders with just their pinky fingers and not even break a sweat. Heroes that can take on the impossible and end up coming out on top. That's the stuff that people like.
But those are action heroes. What about those puzzle heroes that can figure out how to reroute an entire drainage system with just the parts they've got without having to get new ones? What about those platformer heroes that can bound ten feet in the air and land without spraining their ankle? What about those strategy heroes that can command an entire army against an unending hoard and end up driving them back? And what about those point-and-click heroes that end up saving the world from threats that no one even knows about?
Judging from that last sentence, you've probably guessed which hero I am. That's right, the hero of this story isn't some shmuck that can beat a monster in with his own bare fists. Or be able to use any of those flashy moves or wield impossibly large weapons. Nope, I'm just your average point-and-click hero.
Oh yeah, still haven't introduced myself. Name's Cain Doeet. I wear a large black duster coat with a short red scarf around my neck and a black and red rimmed beanie on my head. For the rest, I have a red long sleeved shirt, black jeans, red socks and black boots. Oh yeah, and for facial details, I have red eyes and black hair with the bangs colored red. If you looked at me, you would have assumed that I'm just some weird hobo with an affinity for black and red. Well you'd be half right. As the main importance is on action heroes, quests that ask for finding some rare, well-guarded object isn't always on the quest board. So the only other option is to do normal, everyday work. Like work at an item or weapon shop. But since I'm a point-and-click hero, I don't ever work.
No, for me, I usually work with whatever objects I can get my hands on to support myself. Plastic cups, nuts and bolts left on the ground, empty bullet shells, anything that isn't nailed down. I can use anything if I can get my hands on it. I think those "professionals" at those mental hospitals call it, "kleptomania," or something. Speaking of which, I once escaped a mental hospital by using my toenails as makeshift screwdrivers. Yeah, let that roll around in your head a little bit.
Anyways, for me, life is just one adventure after another. Start off by finding something that seems out of the ordinary, get chased by a bunch of goons that want it back, end up stopping them and then end up saving the world. And no one's the wiser. And that's the big issue. With those action heroes, they pull off some flashy moves, guzzle down some health potions, spend several hours pointlessly grinding, and end up saving the world with a big parade in their honor.
And for me? I end up nearly getting my throat cut by a crazy hobo with some rusty hedge clippers, use a pair of granny panties and a makeshift fishing rod to get a key from a poisonous dogoo, and end up having to talk an insane mall Santa out of blowing up the suburb. And what do I get? Nothing. No one ever knows I end up saving them, because its all, "Cain, you can't just take my egg beater without reason! Cain, you can't poison my dog so that you can get a squeaky toy from his dog house! Cain, you can't enter my secret underground laser guarded laboratory without asking!" It's as if they don't respect me for all that I do for them out of the goodness of my heart.
Speaking about the goodness of my heart, that's what ended me up in another great situation. Another situation that's going to end up in me making new friends, alienating those friends, and then saving the world without even a thank you or a pat on the back. And it all started at an ice cream parlor with some weird little kid in a yellow and black jacket.
After managing to gain some change from the local fountain by distracting the guards by framing a guy for breaking a window, I took my well-earned wet change to a local ice cream parlor. I ordered a medium chocolate milkshake with fudge and whipped cream as the toppings. Even thinking about it makes my mouth water. I dive into it, savoring each bite when some weird little kid walks over.
The kid is wearing a black and yellow jacket with some stars on her sleeves. The ends of the arms and her collar are covered with some white fluff and her shoes are white and red with some black on the sides. Her hairs adorned with two red bobbles that I'm guessing hold her hair back. If you're wondering why I'm going into such detail about her appearance, it's because as a point-and-click hero, its best to be able to recognize someone that you'll most likely see again down the line.
The kid stares at me with her big blue eyes and ends up taking a seat at my table. Curious, I decided to kindly ask her why she's sitting at my table.
"Hey kid, why you bothering me while I eat?" As I said that, I remembered I barely have any shred of kindness in me.
"I dunno. Just sitting," the kid says, kicking her feet from her chair. It seemed that she wandered here alone and her parents aren't anywhere nearby looking for her. Now even though I'm a self-centered jerk that doesn't care about anyone other than myself, I knew that just letting a kid wander around without supervision is bad news. Especially after I heard about that fat dinosaur freak nabbing up little girls. The image of that guy grabbing this kid sent shivers down my spine. Yeugh.
"Where are your parents?"
"They're not here," the kid says, acting like it's not unusual for her to be alone. The answer makes me wonder what her parents are like.
"Well do you have any siblings? Or friends? Or people that give a crap about where you are?"
"Oh yeah, they're around here somewhere."
Now I'm worried. The kids just acting like leaving her friends or family that must be worried sick about her as if it was nothing. Deciding to make myself useful, I offer the kid if she wants me to help her find her friends. Maybe I'll get something in return for returning her. "Hey kid, you need help finding your friends? They're probably worried about you. Probably."
"Hmmmm." The kid goes into some kind of deep thought process as she moves her head back and forth. She looked like one of those cheap bobble heads you find at those weird ma and pa thrift stores. Hopefully she'll be able to understand that I just want to get her back to her friends, but not figure out that I hope to get something in return.
"OK!" I sigh to myself, and imagine that this must be the start to a short and simple adven… "But first I want some ice cream!" Of course, an adventure can't start without a tutorial sequence. Figures.
A waiter walks over and asks the kid what she wants to order. "I want a large double chocolate and vanilla sundae with hot fudge, sprinkles, nuts, powdered sugar, topped with whipped cream and a cherry!" As the waiter writes it down, I start to regret offering to help this kid. Fortunately, I have enough change to cover it, except for a dollar.
"Oh uh, give me a minute," I say to the waiter, sheepishly. "I have an extra dollar around here somewhere." The waiter walks off and, as one of the perks of being a point-and-click hero, puzzles take place in extended time and the solution is always nearby, yet contrived. As the waiter walks away, I glance around, looking for a spare dollar, or better yet, something that can act as a makeshift dollar.
Oh good, the guy behind me has a dollar peeking out of his back pocket. I just need to grab it and pay the…
"Wait a minute," the kid pipes in, interrupting me. "Isn't that stealing?"
The kid looks at me with her blue eyes as I turn around and roll my red eyes at her. "No, it's just borrowing."
"But it looks like stealing. Don't steal! It's wrong!" I should have known that it wouldn't be that simple for a tutorial puzzle. This is obviously leading me into a dialogue puzzle where I need to distract the kid. Thinking of a good distraction, I point behind the kid with my finger.
"Kid, look! It's a three headed dogoo!" Alright, so thinking of something good isn't a strong suit of mine, but I hope it distracts the kid.
"Really! Where?" The kid turns around in her seat and looks behind her, turning away from me. "Where is it? I've never seen a three headed dogoo before!" Oh yeah, I forgot. Kids are incredibly dumb and gullible. Anyways, I turn back to the man and swipe the dollar from his pocket, pocketing it in my inventory. The kid turns around just as I put it in my pocket. "I didn't see any dogoo!"
"Oh, you just missed it. Sorry kid."
"Aww, I really wanted to see it. If you see another one, could you show it to me?"
"Yeah, yeah, sure. Maybe I'll catch it having a tea party with a dragon or something." Man, kids are dumb. I take out the dollar from my inventory and place it on the table with the rest of the change I have and call the waiter over. "Hey, we'll have that sundae now!"
"Coming right up," the waiter says, taking the money. A minute later, the waiter comes back with the sundae and a spoon and sets it down on the table. "Please enjoy your meal." The waiter bows and then leaves, just as the kid digs into the large sundae. It seems like she's going to be at it for a little while so I decide to ask her some questions about her friends and family. Another useful thing to note for point-and-click heroes, always ask questions. Even if they seem pointless.
"So kid, where are your friends exactly?"
The kid pauses from eating her ice cream that barely looks like it's been eaten at all despite the large scoops she's been eating and looks at me. That's another one of the perks of being a point-and-click hero. You can take all the time in the world to ask someone a question and it's like time never passed. "Oh, they're around." The kid then goes back to eating again as I think of another question to ask her.
"Do they know where you are?"
Again, the kid stops eating and looks at me. "No. I don't think so." Blunt answer from a blunt kid. Should have expected it. Looking at the ice cream again, it seems to have shrunk to half of its original size.
"Don't you think they're worried about you?"
The kid stops eating again, this time with some of the ice cream on her lips. "Yeah, but they always find me. They always do." She then goes back to eating her ice cream which has just shrunk down to filling the rest of the bowl. Deciding this conversation is drawing to a close, I ask her if we can go find her friends now in the kindest way I can put it.
"Alright kid, you done? Can we go find your friends now? You eating that ice cream like that is making me sick." The kid finished her ice cream, burping and putting the spoon down in the bowl. She lies back and pats her full stomach and lets out a cold, gleeful sigh, ignoring my question. I really hope that I get paid well for this. I don't think I can stand this kid any longer.
Just then, across from the ice cream shop, a purple haired girl wearing a big white jacket, and another purple haired girl wearing what seemed to be pajamas, appeared. They were calling out some weird name and the kid turned her head to them. "Peashy! Peashy, where are you?" "Peashy! Please come back, Peashy! I'm tired and want to take a nap!"
The kid then perks up seeing them and hops out of her chair. "Oh! Those are my friends! I told you they'd find me! See ya mister!" The kid then starts running off towards them as I just realized my meal ticket is getting away! No way am I letting a kid cheap me out of buying her some ice cream! I hop out of my chair and give chase after her.
"Kid wait! Stop! You owe me for that sundae!" Yes, I sound greedy but when you're not appreciated for all the kind things you do for people and not get recognition, you deserve to be! I reach the kid just as we're half way to them and grab her shoulder. I slow down, gripping onto her to make her slow down so we could approach them kindly and not make it look like I want to…
POW! This kid just sucker punched me! And not like a punch that you can just walk off after a few seconds! It felt like a bullet train hit me directly on my solar plexus! I think some of my ribs may be broken! I fall on my back, clutching my chest, hoping that none of my broken bones punctured any of my internal organs.
"Yay! That was fun!" This kid is cheering as she watches me cower in pain on the concrete! This kid's either a demon in disguise or as mean as me! I groan to myself as I hear the pitter patter of shoes and slippers as they approach.
"Peashy! Don't go around punching people!" One of the voices seems to be scolding the little girl. She deserves it for injuring someone that wanted to help her! "That's rude!"
"Sowwy Neptuna. I won't do it again! I pwomise!" God, I can just hear that kid playing it up as if she's not the victim here. The person scolding her can't possibly buy that crap!
"Oh Peashy, I can't stay mad at you! Come here!" I can't believe what I'm hearing. That kid just got away with it! "Let's go back to the Basilicom and get you some pudding! You can even have mine if you want!" Oh hell no, I'm not letting that kid get away that easily! After I bought her that ice cream she wanted and helped offer to return her to her friends out of my own kindness! Hell no!
I turn over to face the girls that just picked up that annoying brat. "HEY! In case you haven't noticed, your kid just broke several of my ribs!" The three girls then looked at me, surprised that I yelled.
"Whoa, don't sneak up on us like that! That's my job!" The girl in the white coat holding that damned brat doesn't seem to even notice that I'm bending over in pain in front of her! Dammit, this is not my day! Even if it starts out well, it's never my day!
"Well it's your job to tell your kid not to injure people when all they want to do is help! Oh god, it hurts. I think one of my ribs is poking my spleen right now!" I feel like throwing up right now, but it's not good to puke in front of someone that's going to reward you. At least I hope I still get my reward. I'll be lucky if they even help cover the hospital bills.
"Heeeey," the girl in the pajamas says, kneeling down to look at me. "It's not nice to yell." And now I'm being scolded!? Dammit, I just want to lay it on them about how terrible their parenting skills are and how their child nearly killed me with her punch of doom, but it's unsightly for a hero to yell at people he wanted to help.
"Dammit, I just want to get rewarded for buying the kid a sundae and helping return her to you. That's all I want," I say with as much honesty I can muster because I am just done right now.
"Peashy, is that true?"
"Yeah! He bought me a large sundae with everything and even let me play with him!" That last part is a lie and you know it, brat!
"Really? Well, that was awfully nice of him." The revelation of me helping their dumb kid just got through their thick skulls. I think I'm feeling faint. Either from the joy that they finally got it or from the broken ribs. No, wait. It's the ribs.
"Well if that's so, what do you want then mister…" My eyes are feeling heavy now. I don't think I can respond to her question.
"Hey mister ice cream man, you okay?" Feels like I'm losing consciousness. Really hope I don't have internal bleeding.
"Dude, are you okay?" For the love of god, please let these idiots take me to a hospital. I don't want to die like this.
"Is it nap time now?" Never mind. I'd rather die right now that trust these dolts in saving me.
Thanks for reading my first attempt at a fanfic! Feedback is always appreciated. Hope you look forward to the next chapter of Cain Doeet's adventure with the Neptunia gang!
