The light streamed in through the freshly cleaned windows and created a stretched silhouette of a figure picking up a small cup. The figure belonged to a girl with a tiny frame and deep red hair that only brushed her shoulders. Her eyes were large and were similar to looking into forest. They were full of emotion, or maybe there was a lack of emotion completely; but she stared out the window and her shaky hands brought the cup to and from her mouth unsteadily.
A knock came from the door and echoed around the previously silent room. The girl snapped her head towards the door, "come in," she said in a hoarse voice and the person outside obeyed. "Oh hello, Armin," she said quietly, whilst softly smiling at the blonde boy.
"Hey Cass, are you holding up alright?" Armin questioned, worry etched into his face. I really hope she tells the truth this time, he thought, fidgeting with his hands. He looked down at the ground and tried not to think about what emotions might be in her gaze for just a moment.
"Honestly Armin, I'm not too great," she spoke lightly, looking down at the table, averting the eye contact Armin had reconnected. "I guess I'll get better eventually, today just isn't when." She exhaled heavily, "but that doesn't really matter, now does it? Humanity is busy dying and I have no time to worry about myself. I'm the least of anyone's concerns, including my own. I need to make sure I am prepared for our next expedition, because I won't do any good to our team if I'm dead, now will I?"
Armin stared in shock, "Cass..." his voice trailed off because he had absolutely no idea of how to respond to that. He walked over to where she was sat and kneeled in front of her, covering one of her bony hands with his own. "I know how much you think about that night..." he stopped, "how much you just think about them, and how much you just wish you could have done something, but Cass- look at me. Cass, no matter how much you blame yourself, we were all rookies. Just because soldiers like Mikasa were born to fight doesn't mean all of us were and however much you blame yourself it's not your damn fault!" Armin looked down and tears clouded his vision. "I'm so sorry Cass, I didn't help either, all I did was stand there, you were so scared, you were so small, and I didn't even help." He snapped his head up, "this Cass, this is why we're in the Survey Corps. You've grown so much from that helpless girl I saw on those rooftops not even a year ago. You're strong."
Armin stood up and walked away towards the door. "That day will come," he spoke without looking back at her and exited the room. Cassidy's small frame shook with a sob escaping her lips.
They always said some people were scarred when they made it back from their first mission, and they say some people never heal from the psychological toll the deaths of their friends caused. Cassidy was an example of this, yet she still found the will to fight. Maybe that will that she contained was from the vision of her friends screaming hopelessly while they were ripped apart, or from the memory of her standing on that rooftop screaming for help as she held the dead body of her life long friend in her arms, not believing that they had taken their last breath.
Hope is a weird thing that comes out in the strangest of times, and clings to your heart even when all else is gone. Will and hope are strung together in cords that stream throughout your body, but are only noticed when the worst of situations happen. These two things may be the only reason anyone in the Survey Corps is still alive.
Chapter One
Screams emerge from the throats of hysterical soldiers, ill prepared for the upcoming expedition. They were meant to leave in less than twenty four hours and realization is just beginning to lodge itself into the brains of previously braggart soldiers. The same people who less than a day ago were talking themselves up to be prepared for the fight of a lifetime were the same ones who held their hands in their hair and dropped to their knees, trembling and murmuring about how 'this can't possibly be real, this is hell.' Some still stood their ground though, their impassible sternness present on their emotionless faces. Maybe at one point these were the ones who were also on the ground quaking in fear, but by now they have all seen what hell truly looks like. It's not some blazing underground pit of torment, but rather the open field, crawling with creatures that ripped the same comrades they learned to love apart. It's the nightmares that haunt your dreams for months, the same feeling of weakness you felt in that moment when you realized you couldn't save them coming back to you every night in your sleep. Hell was a thing you grew to live with.
The faces of soldiers such as Cassidy, or Levi held this sternness to such an extent that you would believe they didn't have emotions. This wasn't the case though, it was rather that they learned having emotions gets you nowhere and only hurts more in the end. This is a battle field and if you care about people openly you learn the hard way what that will do to you.
Cassidy resides in her room for the time being, studying the routes and where their destination is. Looking at the different types of aberrations that have previously been encountered, and seeing where there have been herds of titans. The flame from within the lamp flickers and casts a dull flame over the large maps and small books that have been made over the years of terror within the walls. She yawns sleepily but continues reading, she's not ready to go back to nightmares.
A knock echoes through the room and Cassidy silently questions who it could be. She grips the handle of the lantern and pushes her self up out of the chair and over to the door. She slowly opens it with one hand and rubs her eye with the other while stifling a yawn. After she's done rubbing her eyes she looks up and inhales a little sharply when she sees Jean standing in front of her. "Oh uh- I- I'm sorry I'll put out the light and go to bed I'm so-" she was cut off abruptly by Jean's words.
"No that's not why I'm here," he says quietly. Cassidy looks at him strangely and tries to think of any other reason he could be here. Sometimes he delivered messages from the superiors so maybe Commander Erwin decided I wasn't fit to be a soldier after all, she thought, no he needs all the help he can get, she silently assured herself. "Cassidy Argon, I assume you are as well having trouble sleeping, I was making my way to the mess hall to brew some tea, and I wandered across your room and saw there was a light on. I wanted to know if you wanted a cup as well," he stated while staring at the her without any emotion crossing his face. He let out a yawn and took a step back, "care to join?"
"I would love a cup of tea, thank you," Cassidy said stepping towards the hallway. I wasn't aware that he even knew my name, she thought, I suppose I have been one of the rather hard to forget soldiers though, what with my mental break downs and isolation. They began walking towards the mess hall in silence for the most part, aside from the small yawns that occurred every now and then.
Once they reached the mess hall Jean held up a hand and gestured for her to sit at a table. You could hear the whistling of the tea pot and both Jean and Cassidy just hoped it wouldn't awaken any of the sleeping. There weren't any rooms too close by, but they just didn't want to take the risk of anyone waking up, so after the tea was brewed Jean got two cups and the pot and took them outside. Once the doors were closed Jean turned to Cassidy, "any particular reason you weren't sleeping well?"
Cassidy looked into her cup of tea and shivered a little bit. "You never really forget.." she trailed off not exactly sure what she was saying. She looked over at Jean who looked back expecting her to continue, when she didn't and just looked away for a moment he let out a little noise, 'hm?' She got her thoughts together and sighed. "Them. You never really forget them," she spoke, looking up just a bit. "The way they smiled and laughed," she looked back at him for a moment, "the way you couldn't save them," she added looking down. "I'm scared it will happen again, Jean," she spoke even softer than before.
"I understand Cassidy, I dream about him sometimes," Jean said looking up to the stars. Cassidy looked over, "Marco," he spoke answering the question that she held in her thoughts. "He was important, and I wasn't there when he needed me, and now I can never be there for him, so I understand. It hurts a lot," with the last words his voice quivered and he stopped looking at the sky. "No one knows how he died, no one was there. He came to save my sorry ass, and I just don't understand why," he paused. "Why he had to die. He was always so happy, and I was always so rude to everyone, he was my best friend, and he kept me in line."
Cassidy looked at him with pain etched into her features, "Jean I'm so sorry," she spoke so lightly it was like she hadn't even said anything. She understood that feeling of blame that you point towards yourself, and all she could think was how Jean didn't deserve that weight on his chest, weighing down his heart to the point where he would give his own life to see that Marco were alive. Jean may not have said that, but Cassidy knew what thoughts the feeling brought upon a guilty mind all too well.
"I just wish I at least knew how," he sighed, "I wish I could avenge him, but I don't even know the damned titan that did it." He looked over at Cassidy, "and that's why I'm in the Survey Corps. For him. I want to be able to at least do something to know that him saving me wasn't a complete waste. I can't sleep right now because I just keep thinking how much better I would fight having my best friend beside me, and knowing that I haven't fought since his death. What if I let them all down, ya know?"
Cassidy nodded slowly, taking a sip of her tea. "I know we haven't talked much at all- I was surprised to see you at my door- but for what it's worth, I don't think you'll let them- let him- down," she spoke and drank a little more tea. For a little while neither one said anything, and it was actually a comfortable silence. Knowing that someone else could relate to what they were feeling, without just taking pity upon them was something neither were really used to. Everyone just tried to apologize without actually being empathetic, but now it was heartfelt and it was like saying 'I'm sorry that anyone would have to go through the same thing as I did.'
After they both finished off all the tea they still sat there a little while. It was cool outside and it just felt like they were free of worry for at least a night, even knowing what awaited them tomorrow.
They felt the cool air wisp across their cheeks, and watched the trees dance with the wind that blew them in the distance. The occasional movement of a horse was heard and only added to the serenity of the night. This was how a night before an expedition should be spent, it should not be panicked and tense, it should relax one until they feel like death would be alright.
Which is exactly how Cassidy felt, she felt like death could come at any moment and that would be alright because this is the first peaceful moment she had felt in years. The moonlight glistened off the small drops of tea left within the cups and reflected light onto Cassidy's porcelain face.
She stood up and offered Jean her hand, "I think I can sleep now," she spoke lightly and Jean nodded. He took her outstretched hand but still picked up his own weight. They opened up the doors and went into the kitchen on the other side of the mess hall and washed the dishes they took. They placed them back into the cupboard and made their way back down the hall.
"I think I can too," Jean spoke once they reached Cassidy's room. She gave him a light smile and opened her door, waving to him as he walked farther down the hall until the shadows engulfed him and she was all alone. She walked over to the desk and close the open books, folded the maps, and picked up the lantern. Once she reached her bed she put out the flame within the lantern with a quick puff of air escaping her lips. She climbed under the covers and let herself drift off to an unusually peaceful sleep, and when the sun shone through the window she didn't awake with heavy breathing and a rapid heart rate, but rather with a small stretch and quick yawn.
Once she got out of bed she quickly went to the bathroom and made her way down to the mess hall, which she smiled lightly at. She made two cups of coffee and made her way over to Armin, handing him one as she sat next to him. "Good morning, Armin," she spoke quietly giving him a small smile.
"Good morning, Cass," he looked at her for a moment, then gratefully took the glass of coffee from her small hand. "How are you?" He spoke almost hesitantly and his eyes flickered from his coffee cup back to her foresty-green eyes.
She smiled once more at him, "I think today is the day Armin." He snapped his head up from the coffee that he had been gripping roughly. She nodded her head.
"R-really? You're not just saying that to stop me from worrying about you, are ya Cass?" He spoke slowly trying to assure her that she didn't have to lie. She shook her head.
"I honestly feel like something has changed, the feeling in my heart that held this guilt, it's just not weighing down anymore. It feels like maybe today will be the day that I can finally do something that is worth dying for, maybe I will live, and maybe I will die, but either way I just don't feel that guilt anymore, Armin." He smiled at her, an honest smile, and put his coffee down.
Suddenly his arms were around her and he was squeezing her very tightly. "I've been waiting forever for the day that you said anything along the lines of that, Cass. I'm so glad that you don't have that blame holding down your heart anymore, it's honestly so relieving," Armin spoke with such a joy in his voice, and after he stopped talking he let her go. His face flamed up with a red tinge, "uh sorry Cass," he said and quickly brought his coffee up to his mouth.
"Don't worry about it."
Within a few hours of waking up they were assuming their positions that they would be in for the expedition, and much to Cassidy's surprise she was in a position that was only a few people away from Jean. For a good hour they rode without any interruption, any smoke signals that showed for titans were taken care of, and none had seemed to come their way. It was strange, really, usually where she was stationed in expeditions had a uniquely dangerous route, she became lost in her thought and when she looked up her captain told the squad to find a spot in the trees they were approaching. Hm that's different, she thought, usually we don't go into the forest because while there are advantages, there are disadvantages. While she was propelling herself into a tree she heard a rhythmic slamming growing louder, and closer. Jean came up into a tree next to her, his breathing ragged and eyes wide. "Cassidy! Titans, they're everywhere that way, some are even above the ten-meter class," he exclaimed. Cassidy looked out and saw one titan running for the forest, it looks like an aberrant, she spoke in her head. "Cassidy we need to get higher in the trees, it'll be easier to take them down if they're distracted on finding a way to get to us." What Jean was saying made sense, but what if there were people in the forest? She thought frantically.
"Jean... There's an aberrant, and they're running straight into the forest, I think I saw one of the squads enter, I have to go help them," she spoke, her eyes darting from Jean, to deep in the forest. Jean's eyes widened, and he leaned against the tree and stuck a hand into his hair.
"God no..." He mumbled to himself. "No I'll go in you stay here and protect the rest of the squad, they're not trained as much as we are," Jean spoke hurriedly and got ready to hook himself to a tree in front of him. "I'll be back," and with that he propelled into the tree just a few meters ahead.
Cassidy didn't have a chance to speak her words of disagreement and watched him swing ahead. 'What are you doing Cassidy! He's going to die if he's all alone!' She spoke internally and quickly followed behind. She saw him but he couldn't see her, she was gaining speed on him.
She was almost to him but he shot down, she didn't see what he hooked onto, but he wasn't down for long. He came flying back up with a force that couldn't be that of the 3D Maneuver Gear. He slammed into a tree at least twenty meters away from her, and within a few moments he began getting up. She shot herself forward and began approaching the area where he stood, when he turned and saw her and gave her a disapproving look. He shot at a tree closer to her, and just as his hook reached it a hand shot out.
Everything moved slow for a moment and Cassidy found herself stopped on a tree. The hand withdrew from where it was and the only thing left was Jean's mangled body half embedded into the tree he was trying to get away from.
