Thank You, Heavenly
Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day
SEASON 5
EPISODE 27
Airdate: May 14, 2017
"Our Very First Flashback Blooper Clip Show"
Special Guest Stars: Kira Kosarin as Lynne (archival footage only), Amy Cimorelli as Herself (archival footage only), Lisa Cimorelli as Herself (archival footage only), Lauren Cimorelli as Herself (archival footage only), Dani Cimorelli as Herself (archival footage only)
#TYH527
SCENE 1
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
An exterior shot of Sparky's house is shown at night. It is raining heavily. Cut to Testicular Sound Express sitting on the couch inside.
SPARKY: Hi everyone. My name is Sparky MacDougal. And welcome to tonight's very special episode of Thank You, Heavenly.
RK: Haven't we already done a very special episode? Like, nine times?
SPARKY: Not like this. Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, we have a special treat for you, the fans. We've got...wait for it...bloopers. The funniest bloopers on network television. But that's not all.
JAYLYNN: We've also decided to look back and reminisce about the past five years of Thank You, Heavenly. It gives each and every person watching tonight a chance to relive their favorite episodes.
RK: But they can already do that online!
WADE: RK, would you please try to get in the spirit?
RK: No, I'm not. This is a damn clip show and I can't believe we're stooping this low for ratings. I mean, for God's sake, this episode is going to be on Hulu six hours from now!
SPARKY: RK, if you don't change your tune, I'm going to make sure you don't get paid for this episode.
RK: But none of us are getting paid for this crap! Remember? The network allowed us to do one episode for the fans and in exchange, we all lose our salary for it.
BUSTER: Great. I forgot. Well, there goes my weekly hair curlers.
SPARKY: When it comes to episodes like these, Thank You, Heavenly likes to do it with style. So not only are you getting bloopers and old clips, you're also getting clips from episodes that were never finished.
WADE: Also, during this episode, we'll be answering questions from viewers so make sure you send in those thoughts before the night is over.
SPARKY: Alright, let's kick off the proceedings with a clip from one of Jaylynn's favorite episodes. Jaylynn?
JAYLYNN: Thank you, Sparky. This clip is from "Thank You for Being an Enemy" all the way back in season three.
RK: That was two years ago. That shit was literally less than two years ago. You're not doing a good job.
JAYLYNN: Shut up. Anyway, here's one of my favorite scenes in the whole series.
SCENE 2
The Saleh Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
"Thank You for Being an Enemy" (season three, episode 20; June 14, 2015)
The scene starts when Jaylynn walks inside Anja's house to confront Lynne about their newfound friendship. They stare each other down for a few seconds.
LYNNE: Bitch, do you want something right now?
JAYLYNN: Yeah, I...wait a minute. Did you just call me a bitch?
LYNNE: Yeah.
JAYLYNN: And you have absolutely no feelings for me.
LYNNE: What, are you insane?
JAYLYNN: Oh my God. LYNNE, YOU'RE BACK. THE REAL LYNNE IS BACK!
Jaylynn hugs a confused Lynne at that point, and she briefly smiles before getting upset.
LYNNE: Okay, could you please get your hands off the merchandise?
JAYLYNN: How come you hate me again? I thought we were friends.
LYNNE: Look, Jaylynn, I had a dream last night about what would happen if we stayed friends. It wasn't pretty. We can't get along or else things would be more awkward than they already are. I feel like I'm at my best when I'm tearing you down. Just like you feel the same way with me. By next week, things would have changed anyway.
JAYLYNN: I don't think we can be sure about that.
LYNNE: Believe me, I know what I'm talking about.
JAYLYNN: Well, at least I'm off the hook. Things are back to normal.
LYNNE: Yeah, because I was becoming a creep with you as my friend. I guess some things rub off, don't they?
JAYLYNN: I guess they do?
LYNNE: I mean, I was letting you get inside my head. Degrading myself just so a big fat loser like you could like me? Yeah, right.
JAYLYNN: Okay, I get it, we're enemies again, the end.
LYNNE: I know you think Anja is going to do nothing and that's true because she loves me a lot more than she will ever love you, you little worthless piece of shit.
JAYLYNN: I'm giving you a warning to shut the f*** up before I hurt you, stop playing with me.
LYNNE: Oh, so you can make empty threats and cry to your boys about how much you hate me? I know all the games, Jaylynn. I'm going to be even worse to you and there's nothing you can do because you're just a pathetic, cowardly...
Jaylynn screams, and punches Lynne in the face, knocking her down to the floor. Jaylynn then kicks Lynne multiple times in the stomach and then tosses her into the front door. Anja runs down the steps at that point to see the commotion.
ANJA: What the hell happened here?!
LYNNE: Jaylynn just put her hands on me!
ANJA: JAYLYNN!
JAYLYNN: I don't care what you think anymore, Anja, I had to do it.
*brief pause*
ANJA: Nice job.
LYNNE: WHAT?! Anja, aren't you going to break it up and tell us to get along or some crap?
ANJA: No, I'm not. Look, Lynne, you're my little sister and nothing will ever change that. But I'm not going to be anybody's enabler. Jaylynn is like family to me and you better start showing her some respect or I'm kicking you out.
LYNNE: I'll take it back! Remember, Jaylynn? We're buddies?
ANJA: You know what? Jaylynn, how would you like to take Lynne outside and continue your fun?
JAYLYNN: I would love to.
LYNNE: YOU'RE GOING TO LET HER BEAT ME?!
ANJA: Fight your own battle. You're being an asshole, so you get what you deserve.
Jaylynn opens the back door and throws Lynne outside. Lynne's screaming can be heard as Jaylynn continues her assault. Anja has a big smile on her face as she walks upstairs.
LYNNE: SHIT! MY ARM!
JAYLYNN: TAKE IT LIKE A MAN!
Jaylynn then kicks Lynne in the face, and the clip ends on an artist's rendering of that moment. Dissolve into the present day.
SCENE 3
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
BUSTER: I just don't get it. If Timmy is an average kid, how come nobody can understand him?
WADE: I always thought that was the joke. Like, it's some kind of irony.
BUSTER: Eh, I don't even like that show anymore. Hey, isn't the next clip supposed to play?
SPARKY: You guys interrupted the clip by talking.
BUSTER: Oh. So, Jaylynn, how did it feel to finally get to give Lynne a beatdown?
JAYLYNN: Oh, it was beautiful. The director said I could do whatever I wanted with Lynne so I pitched like, six different beatings to the writers and they went with my second choice. It was a great day.
SPARKY: Oh, look, we have the first question coming in. It's from Steve Wardenson in Philadelphia. He says, "Guys, this episode is so stupid. Where are the jokes?" Okay, that's not a good question, Steve, but at least your name's on TV.
WADE: Okay, so what's the next clip?
SPARKY: Well, before that, here's another question from Big Dave in New Orleans: "Dear guys at Thank You, Heavenly, I feel like RK is the biggest asshole on the planet. It's why I don't watch the show as often as my friends do. Are there any moments of him being sympathetic?"
RK: Hey Big Dave, go to hell.
WADE: See, stuff like that doesn't really help your case.
SPARKY: Well, there are plenty of moments of RK being a sweet guy. In fact, we have the tapes to prove it.
SCENE 4
The Mitchell Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
"Young Black Prepubescents" (season five, episode 11; November 6, 2016)
With Buster in tow, RK opens the door and stares down Tyrone.
TYRONE: What do you want?
RK: Shut the f*** up and let Wade go.
TYRONE: I have no idea what you're talking about.
RK: YOU KNOW DAMN WELL WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. GIVE ME BACK MY BEST FRIEND!
TYRONE: Why should I? He's the one who can't accept transracial people!
RK: Okay, consider this a warning.
RK pulls out his gun and shoots Tyrone in the knee.
TYRONE: Ah, son of a bitch!
RK: There's more where that came from if you don't tell me where Wade is.
TYRONE: I don't know where he is, I swear! He was here with me like, ten minutes ago.
BUSTER: RK, I don't think he's getting it.
RK: You're damn right he isn't. Alright, Tyrone, this next one's coming straight for your head.
SCENE 5
The MacDougal Household
Interior Kitchen
Seattle, Washington
"My Thanksgiving with the CimFam" (season four, episode 6; November 22, 2015)
Buster and RK are confronting Amy and Lisa Cimorelli in Sparky's kitchen after a kitchen fire ruined the Thanksgiving food.
AMY: Look, we're really sorry about what happened. But what are we gonna do?
RK: Well, first off, I don't know why you're sorry. This is all Lisa's fault.
LISA: Hey, don't put that thing at me!
RK: I wasn't even pointing. And anyway, if you had just listened to what Christina told you, none of this would have happened in the first place.
SCENE 6
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Principal's Office
Seattle, Washington
"The Code" (season four, episode 12; April 10, 2016)
RK is in the principal's office with a look of sadness.
PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Thank you for bringing this to my attention, Ryan.
RK: Uh-huh. Hey, listen, you think you could call me RK? Ryan's so formal.
PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: No.
RK: I didn't think so.
The rest of TSE walks into the office at this point.
SPARKY: RK?
RK: Howdy.
WADE: You're the one who dropped the dime? How could you? What happened to the code?
RK: The code died.
WADE: What?
RK: Look, Wade, I feel like this whole thing is my fault. If I didn't give you such a hard time about snitching, you would have never become so militant about the code. Sometimes, keeping things to yourself just isn't worth it.
SCENE 7
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
"The New Sparky MacDougal" (season four, episode 8; January 31, 2016)
A beaten Jaylynn and RK are making amends after fighting each other at a restaurant.
JAYLYNN: RK, I'm sorry I tried kicking your ass. We let things go too far and almost ruined your friendship.
RK: I'm sorry too. I should have given you more of a chance, but I just didn't want anything to change.
JAYLYNN: You know, even though you almost gave me a concussion, I still love you.
RK: I love you too, man. You're the closest thing I have to a sister.
RK and Jaylynn hug.
SCENE 8
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
"Sparky Inflates the Grade" (season three, episode 13; February 1, 2015)
The gang is at Sparky's house trying to console him after he was caught cheating on his math test.
RK: I'm sorry, it's just that...all my life, I was constantly struggling in school. Never reaching that promise land that Sparky and Wade did. I kinda felt jealous because I never thought I would be able to pull it off. But thanks to Mr. Robertson, there's hope for me. I finally feel like school matters now.
SPARKY: Well, RK, I always thought you were a smart guy. And I'm glad you want to strive to do better in school now.
RK: Thanks Sparky. And trust me. If Mr. Robertson drops the hammer and fails you, I'm going to be the first in line to protest.
SCENE 9
The Chachinski Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
"Positive Rein-dunce-ment" (season three, episode 10; December 14, 2014)
RK and Wade are tied to chairs in a room as Anna and Adriana confront them about the conditioning they have been using to control the two.
*to RK* ANNA: You used it on me weeks ago, remember?
*to Wade* ADRIANA: And you've been using it on me for days, haven't you?
RK: I obviously did it, but I don't really see what the problem is if it brought us closer together. You were getting distant, I used it twice and that's it. I just needed it to save our relationship.
ANNA: Wait a minute. You used it because you wanted my attention again and I wasn't giving it to you?
RK: Yes, that was my ONLY intention. I love you and I would never take advantage of you. I'm sorry if I made you feel like an object.
SCENE 10
The Reverend's Household
Exterior Entrance
Seattle, Washington
"Night of Divinity" (season three, episode 6; November 2, 2014)
REV. REVEREND: So you stole the money and framed your friends for it? That's a very serious offense, Ryan.
RK: I know, but if you have to kick someone out of Hearts of Worship, please don't do it to Sparky and Buster. They love going to church. A lot more than me these days. See, I only did it because I was jealous of them getting all the attention and respect from you, and they had all the enthusiasm for Christianity that somewhere along the line, I lost. So please, don't punish them just because of my own selfishness.
SCENE 11
The MacDougal Household
Interior Kitchen
Seattle, Washington
"Goodbye 2016, Hello 2017" (season five, episode 15; December 30, 2016)
RK: STOP! DON'T DO IT! IT WAS ME! I TRICKED SPARKY INTO CAVING!
MANNY: What?
RK: Sparky's an innocent victim in all this. All he wanted was for us to follow through on something, but we failed him. He's the only one that challenged us to do better. So if anyone's going in that chair tonight, it's going to be me.
Dissolve to later on, where RK returns with a shaved head and everyone screams in shock.
RK: Yeah, someone had to do it.
SPARKY: RK, you shaved your own head?!
RK: Of course I did. Look, Sparky, you were right. We promised hair and for once, we're going to follow through.
RK gives the grocery bag full of his hair to Manny.
JAYLYNN: I can't believe you went through with it. You always said your hair was a part of you.
RK: Eh, well, it looks like I'll have to start over. I kinda like it. Makes me look like a badass movie star who can't act, but he's good for promo.
SPARKY: RK, you didn't have to do this. The contract was ripped up.
RK: Doesn't matter to me. You just wanted us to commit to something and I almost made you pay for it. This time, I was gonna make sure we keep our word.
SPARKY: Ah, RK, you're the best.
SCENE 12
The Saltalamacchia Household
Interior Basement
Seattle, Washington
"You're Welcome, Hellish" (season five, episode 13; November 27, 2016)
The guys are all locked in the basement together after being attacked and dressed down by their evil clones.
RK: Oh no. The clones were right. We are horrible people!
SPARKY: No, we're not. Wade just lost his temper there.
RK: No, Wade has a point. This always happens. I put the battery in his pack every time and that's why all these things happen. The time machine, the Body Swap, the hamsters, Homework Hal...it's all coming back to make us pay. Wade, I'm sorry for taking advantage of you all these years. I guess I'm not as good a friend as I thought I was.
Cut to the present day.
SCENE 13
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
BUSTER: Hey, that was actually kinda sweet.
JAYLYNN: Yeah, I guess RK really does have his moments where he's not an ogre.
RK: Do you guys really think I'm that evil? I guess I have to look in the mirror.
WADE: Oh, they're just kidding, man. We all know you're a nice guy.
SPARKY: Yeah, you're one of the nicest people I know, RK. I remember that one birthday you bought me these muffins...
Cut to a flashback of Sparky walking in his kitchen and seeing a muffin basket on the table.
SPARKY: What is this? Bitch Clock? Bitch Clock?!
Bitch Clock walks into the kitchen.
BITCH CLOCK: Yeah?
SPARKY: Damn, that was fast. I wanted to know if this muffin basket was for you.
BITCH CLOCK: Oh, no way. Nobody's went out of their way to get me presents since my wedding day.
SPARKY: You used to be married?!
BITCH CLOCK: Yeah, but it was only for three months. She wanted kids and for some unknown reason, she thought my drinking would stand in the way of that. Good thing I got that prenup.
Bitch Clock walks away while pulling out a flask and drinking from it. Sparky looks closer at the basket.
SPARKY: Then this has to be for me. Unless Santa's Little Helper has friends I don't know about. Hey, look, a card.
Sparky takes out the little card from the basket and reads it.
SPARKY: "To one of my all-time favorite people. Happy birthday, kid, and many more. From RK." Well, thanks, RK.
Cut to the present day.
RK: I didn't have many ideas in mind for a present. Then I just thought, "How many people really give out muffin baskets?" After that, it was a wrap.
SPARKY: Well, it's still one of my favorite presents.
RK: It was the least I could do. I mean, thanks to you guys, I always feel like I'm part of something special.
JAYLYNN: Oh, Lord, I'm in my feelings now.
BUSTER: Hey, look, another question's coming in. This is from Kayla in the Bronx. "Hey guys, how come Anja and Jaylynn got their names changed? I've been watching your show ever since it first came out, and all of a sudden, it's like they're completely different people." Um, are we allowed to talk about this?
SPARKY: Legally speaking, we can't go into details for the next two years.
BUSTER: Well, could we give her the gist of what happened?
SPARKY: Sure, why not?
BUSTER: Well, Kayla, some people got mad, we went to court, we lost both times, and now we understand why the network gets nervous whenever we insult celebrities. Hope that answers things for now.
WADE: You know, all the controversy from those lawsuits reminds me of the Geraldo Rivera incident.
SPARKY: Geraldo Rivera?
JAYLYNN: Yeah, remember last year? When "Heterosexuality 101" came out and there was that whole thing?
SPARKY: Oh yeah, I do remember now. Hey, while we're all here, why don't we show the clip for anyone that never saw it?
BUSTER: Roll that tape!
SCENE 14
Cut to a clip of the November 14, 2016 edition of the Fox News show The Five.
ERIC BOLLING: There was a lot of controversy raised last night as the adult animated series Thank You, Heavenly aired an episode entitled "Homosexuality 101." In it, the ten-year-old main character Jaylynn takes a pill designed to turn her from lesbian to straight. Because, apparently, ten-year-olds are aware of their sexuality like that. So, anyway, Jaylynn ends up realizing that she's fine being lesbian after falling for her friend Buster. KG, thoughts?
KIMBERLY GUILFOYLE: Ugh. Oh, please.
ERIC BOLLING: You didn't like it?
KIMBERLY GUILFOYLE: I didn't like it, it was a really dumb episode. I mean, yeah, there's some kind of lesson lodged in there, but it doesn't move me. It doesn't turn me on, it doesn't excite me, it doesn't make me want to take my shirt off and start putting lotion on my legs. I wasn't feeling it.
GERALDO RIVERA: And this right here is what I don't understand about prime-time television. When did our values sink so low to the point where we started letting this stuff on the air?
ERIC BOLLING: It's definitely not trying to be Family Ties.
GERALDO RIVERA: And it definitely can't be. There is an agenda, and when I say agenda, I mean it. An agenda in place to promote homosexuality wherever you go, and to have these child characters just accept that they're homosexuals, it's disconcerting. A kid shouldn't have to be exposed to a message like that.
DANA PERINO: I mean, it wasn't like the show was misconstrued in the media as being something it wasn't. It wants to be taken seriously, it wants to be seen as intelligent and satirical and edgy. But it's not nearly as smart as it thinks it is, and like you said, Geraldo, this is a dangerous and inappropriate episode.
ERIC BOLLING: It glorifies homosexuality for children.
DANA PERINO: For children! That's what bothered me the most about this episode. It gave me this really awkward feeling for a half hour. I mean, at some point, you have to know you went too far. I mean, it takes, what, nine months to make an episode? You're telling me that during those nine months, not one person could say no? The writers, the voice actors, the animators, the network, nobody could try pulling the plug on this?
KIMBERLY GUILFOYLE: See, I have a son that just turned Jaylynn's age. I don't want him to start watching Thank You, Heavenly and think looking up to Jaylynn is okay. I don't want him to start thinking that being gay is what he needs to do in order to be liked. I mean, if you're going to have a message, have a message, but at least let us see the creativity in it.
GERALDO RIVERA: And that's why I believe the LGBT movement will end up killing America. It's just misguided, lazy shows like this that don't really provoke thought. They just exist to offend people and I can't support that.
ERIC BOLLING: This episode is gonna turn people gay.
Cut to the present day.
SCENE 15
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
RK: Were they smoking crack that day?
JAYLYNN: I feel like they just missed the point of what that episode was about.
BUSTER: It's all Trump's fault. He let this happen!
WADE: He let a bunch of stupid conservatives on a conservative network talk badly about us on a conservative talk show?
BUSTER: Oh. I thought I was on to something there.
SPARKY: How much you wanna bet that they never even watched the show before that?
RK: I mean, we're kids, so the show is obviously for kids. Guys, we're going to jail because apparently, South Park never existed.
JAYLYNN: Their argument didn't excite me. It didn't turn me on, I wasn't feeling it.
At that point, all the kids start laughing.
SPARKY: Oh, man! When we get back, we're going to show you some bloopers alongside some never before seen clips. But now, here's an unaired Sprite commercial starring RK.
RK: That's right, Sparky. It's not well-known, but before LeBron James got the Sprite gig, it was actually supposed to be me. However, it was only on TV for a few hours and taken down because...well, see for yourself.
SCENE 16
August 26, 2016: MTV Studios (Times Square)
Cut to RK smiling in front of a green screen while holding a Sprite bottle.
DIRECTOR: Sprite commercial 2016, take one!
RK: Hey, everyone. I'm RK Jennings from the hit series Thank You, Heavenly. Are your parents out of the room? Cool. Older brothers and sisters? Alright, good. What's up? I'm here to tell you guys a secret about Sprite: It's good. But I would never tell you to drink it. Even though these cameras are making me uncomfortable, and I'm smiling like an idiot promoting a drink I haven't had in almost two years, I still wouldn't tell you to drink Sprite.
DIRECTOR: Um, that's not the line.
RK: Yeah, whatever. Even if I told you that Sprite was a chick magnet, and it ended up being exactly what girls wanted because they enjoy the nice, refreshing lemon lime scent on your breath, I wouldn't tell you to start drinking Sprite.
DIRECTOR: That's not the line either.
RK: See, let's go a different direction with what I'm saying here. Even if Sprite caused you to lie, steal, turn on your friends, and gave cancer to you and your family, I wouldn't tell you to stay away from it either. Because it's your choice. But hey, your dumb ass will probably drink it anyway.
DIRECTOR: RK, none of this is in the script. What's the matter with you?
RK: SHUT UP! So even if the camera zooms in on me dramatically...
As RK talks, the camera slowly zooms in on his face.
RK: And I made a joke about how I was going to take this bottle of Sprite, stick it straight down your throat, AND HAVE YOU SWALLOW EVERY LAST DROP WHILE I WATCH YOU DO IT, I WOULD NEVER TELL YOU TO DRINK SPRITE. BECAUSE DO I LOOK LIKE THE KIND OF WEIRDO THAT WOULD DO THAT TO A KID LIKE YOU?!
DIRECTOR: Okay, can someone just cut to the f***ing bottle?
("Do What I Do" by William Davies plays in the background)
Cut to a shot of the Sprite bottle on a table while the hashtag "#WannaSprite" shows up on the side of the screen. Fade to black.
SCENE 17
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Cut to an exterior shot of the house, and it is still raining. Cut to the kids inside.
SPARKY: Hello everyone. And welcome back to tonight's very special episode of Thank You, Heavenly.
WADE: During the break, you sent in a few more questions so here we go. This one's from Mark in Switzerland? Okay, Mark, we'll bite. "Guys, out of everyone in the cast, who do you have crushes on?"
BUSTER: Is it wrong that I've always had my eye on Anja?
JAYLYNN: I knew it! I knew you liked her! I called it months ago!
BUSTER: Hey, she's cute. I'm not going to lie about that. But she'll never like me back. You know, because of that thing on her head?
RK: It's a hijab. You know, to save you from being accused of being culturally insensitive. Well, guys, that's all the time we have for tonight. There's an NBA playoff game on right now. Conference finals, I think.
SPARKY: Oh, no, you don't. We still have plenty of time left.
RK: But the Warriors are on! Anyone else rooting for the Warriors this year? I like their chances.
WADE: Yeah, I'm pretty sure 95% of America's basketball fans are rooting for them.
SPARKY: Anyway, it's time to show you guys some of the best bloopers and outtakes from the series. One thing we've learned doing this show over the years is that the camera is not easy to be in front of. We all make pretty dumb mistakes. So with that being said, here's our worst mistakes.
SCENE 18
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
"The Blight Before Christmas" (season five, episode 14; December 23, 2016)
Sparky hangs up the phone and ends up tripping in an exaggerated fashion into the kitchen, knocking down Bitch Clock and himself.
SPARKY: Oh, no. Guys, I messed up. I messed up. Oh no, what did I do? Am I gonna have to sit this one out?
Cut to Sparky attempting the same trip and doing a cartwheel.
DIRECTOR: Sparky, what was that?
SPARKY: I was going for some pizzazz. Make it more lively.
Cut to Sparky getting it right on the third try. Beat.
SPARKY: Shit, what was my line again?
Cut to Sparky getting it right again on the fourth take.
SPARKY: Okay, that was weird.
BITCH CLOCK: Cut to Bitch Clock standing over Sparky while eating an apple.
Cut to Bitch Clock standing over a confused Sparky while eating an apple.
SPARKY: Dude, you just said the stage directions.
BITCH CLOCK: Oh, shit, f***!
SCENE 19
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Sam Puckett Auditorium
Seattle, Washington
"Worst Election Ever" (season five, episode 3; September 25, 2016)
SPARKY: Cut the balls off, cut the balls, CUT THE BALLS! HELP THESE PEOPLE! My God, Wade has the bolt cutters. GET IN THERE, GET IN THERE, ALL OF YOU!
Wade and RK can barely contain themselves and start laughing, which causes Sparky and everyone else to laugh.
SCENE 20
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Mrs. Bernstein's Classroom
"Night of the Radioactive Hamsters" (season four, episode 11; April 3, 2016)
BUSTER: I wish I could buy that hamster farm too, but I'm not allowed in the pet store for two more weeks.
RK: Why, what did you do?
BUSTER: I fed the fish too much fish food when that old guy told me to stop feeding the fish food and now the fish...wait, what was the line?
Cut to Buster having a second take.
BUSTER: I fed the fish too much fish food when that old guy told me to stop feeding the fish the fish food and now the fish...ah, f***, I'm never going to flipping get this frigging line.
Cut to Buster having a third take.
BUSTER: I got it! The fish that eat the fish food get the fish food free.
DIRECTOR: Buster, that's not the line.
BUSTER: THERE'S TOO MANY WORDS THAT SOUND THE SAME! THERE'S NO START OR END TO IT!
SCENE 21
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
"Super Bowl Cum-Day III: The Story Box" (season four, episode 7; January 31, 2016)
BUSTER: RK'S GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA!
RK walks away from the scene laughing.
SCENE 22
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
"Super Bowl Cum-Day III: The Story Box" (season four, episode 7; January 31, 2016)
Later on, RK is clutching his Super Bowl tickets with a nervous look in his eyes.
RK: WHO'S OUT THERE?! HUH?! WHO WANTS TO KNOW ABOUT THE JIVE?! HUH?! Beat. AND WHO WANTS TO TELL ME MY NEXT MOTHERF***ING LINE?!
SCENE 23
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
"Slice of Fantastica (Part II)" (season three, episode 4; October 19, 2014)
BUSTER: We kissed one time in first grade. IT WAS AN EXPERIMENT!
JAYLYNN: Wait, what was an experiment? What did he just say?
SCENE 24
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
"The Time Machine" (season two, episode 28; May 18, 2014)
RK: You can't fool me into thinking this guy is another guy, Wade. Maybe you might be another guy. Maybe we're ALL another guy. Maybe this damn camera is another guy!
RK runs to the camera screaming and knocks it over. Cut to the present day.
SCENE 25
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
SPARKY: Is that...is that all we have? We average like, 100 bloopers an episode. What is this nonsense?
JAYLYNN: Sparky, you do have to remember we're a half hour show.
RK: And I'm very grateful for that. They don't pay me enough to grind this out for 45 minutes every week.
WADE: Well, another question's coming in. This one is from Chantal in Baltimore. Chantal says, "Guys, could I see some of Buster's all-time stupidest moments?"
BUSTER: We have a package for that?
WADE: I don't see why we wouldn't.
SPARKY: Fortunately for Chantal, we do have a package for something just like this. Roll the tapes!
SCENE 26
Seattle, Washington
"No Snow Job's Chance in Hell" (season two, episode 17; February 16, 2014)
BUSTER: I don't get it. Your machine broke down, can't you sue Wade for malpractice?
SPARKY: Buster, do you even know what malpractice means?
BUSTER: Yeah, practicing at malls.
SPARKY: I assume you think photosynthesis means the synthesizing of photos?
BUSTER: No way. What kind of dumbass combines two words and thinks the definition is just a combination of those two words?
Sparky gives Buster a bored look.
SCENE 27
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
"Talking Turkey" (season two, episode 8; November 24, 2013)
WADE: Hey Sparky, why did you leave? I have more Thanksgiving facts to share.
SPARKY: Sweet Yeezus. Wade, I don't want to know more facts!
WADE: Don't worry, this one will be icing on the cake.
BUSTER: We're having cake for dessert? I came here for pumpkin pie, people!
*long pause*
SCENE 28
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Lunchroom
Seattle, Washington
"The Bad Boys Club" (season two, episode 9; December 1, 2013)
BUSTER: He promised me a stick. See.
Buster holds up his stick.
WADE: You have to be f***ing with me. Your mind is so feeble that you were persuaded by a freaking stick?!
*imitating Michael Caloz* BUSTER: A stick from the park where you PROMISED TO TAKE ME TODAY!
*long pause*
SPARKY: We all need help.
SCENE 29
The Newman Condominium
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
"Illuminati's for Idiots" (season two, episode 13; January 19, 2014)
WADE: OK, look, do you accept or decline?
BUSTER: Accept all the way. But let me tell you this, Saltalamacchia. This won't end up like the sleeping challenge.
WADE: Why?
BUSTER: Because I've always had a knack for competition. Remember when I beat you in that sleeping challenge?
WADE: Buster, I beat YOU in that challenge. And you just referenced it saying it wouldn't end up like that!
BUSTER: Oh.
SCENE 30
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
"KG Learns How to Use the DVR" (season one, episode 17; August 3, 2013)
RK: Oh, KG, HELP ME! SOMEBODY HELP ME!
KG: RK, oh my God!
RK: Yeah, I injured my spine going rollerblading. I think girls call it chlamydia.
SCENE 31
The Newman Condominium
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
"Not Sparky's Fight to Fight" (season one, episode 18; August 17, 2013)
BUSTER: Damn. If it's Julio, tell him I know nothing about the drug raid.
Wade opens the door to see an adult Caucasian male.
WADE: Who are you?
CAUCASIAN MALE: I'm Lester Tate, agent for Chief Keef.
WADE: Oh no.
BUSTER: Hey, you're not Julio.
SCENE 32
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Sam Puckett Auditorium
Seattle, Washington
"S-P-A-R-K-Y the Letter Man" (season four, episode 2; October 4, 2015)
BUSTER: Sparky, you need someone you trust to help keep you on the right path. Someone with a strong mind. Someone sophisticated and cool under pressure.
SPARKY: Buster, you were scared of foil paper for three years.
SCENE 33
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
"Fake It" (season four, episode 5; November 7, 2015)
BUSTER: HELLO RK, MY NAME IS BUSTER! IF I IGNORE YOU OR DON'T RESPOND TO WHAT YOU SAY FAST ENOUGH, IT'S OKAY! DON'T TAKE IT PERSONAL! ALSO, I ADVISE YOU DO NOT TALK IN THIS TONE! PEOPLE FIND IT VERY ANNOYING AND YOU SHOULD ONLY DO IT IF YOU'RE TRYING TO GET SOMEBODY'S ATTENTION!
SCENE 34
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Lunchroom
Seattle, Washington
"The Little Salesman That Couldn't" (season five, episode 19; February 19, 2017)
BUSTER: What if you bought yourself a bunch of chocolate and then sold it to yourself? Not only would you be selling chocolate, you would be making your own money along the way.
RK: What? I-I don't...I don't see how that would even, because I lose mo...you know what, forget it.
SCENE 35
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
"The Seattle Cycle" (season three, episode 18; May 22, 2015)
Sparky and Buster are both writing letters meant to be sent to Nickelodeon brass.
SPARKY: Okay, I'm done with my letter.
BUSTER: Almost. How about yours?
SPARKY: I just said I was done three seconds ago.
BUSTER: I thought you were asking me about my letter.
SPARKY: But then you would...never mind.
SCENE 36
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
"You're Welcome, Hellish" (season five, episode 13; November 27, 2016)
SPARKY: That does sound pretty cool. Alright, Curious George, let's go see what Wade's up to.
BUSTER: What? Sparky, my name's not George. It's Buster.
Sparky sighs in disappointment. Cut to the present day.
SCENE 37
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
JAYLYNN: One of those clips wasn't even Buster's.
SPARKY: We had to put something in there.
RK: Dude, what was wrong with your voice back then?
BUSTER: What was wrong with yours?
RK: I had a lisp back then! I couldn't help it!
WADE: Do we have more clips of Buster being stupid?
BUSTER: Hey, be quiet, Wade. All you do is slam people. That's your calling card.
WADE: Hey, I only act like this out of a burning desire to comment on the absurdities around me.
BUSTER: Pffft, like that age-old excuse still works.
RK: You know, Buster's right. Wade has plenty of moments like that.
SPARKY: Actually, we all do if we're being honest. Let's check them out.
SCENE 38
Pacific Place
Interior McDonald's
Seattle, Washington
"Heterosexuality 101" (season five, episode 12; November 13, 2016)
RK: Hey Buster, you want to buy that cheese pretzel now?
BUSTER: Would I?! Wait a minute. I thought you said I couldn't have one.
RK: I just realized that I can teach you how to eat one. Jaylynn, you can wait for us outside. This is strictly man-to-man shit.
RK starts winking multiple times.
JAYLYNN: Dude, are you trying to hit on me in front of everyone here?
RK gives Jaylynn a bored expression.
JAYLYNN: Oh, I get it now.
RK: You're an idiot.
SCENE 39
The Mitchell Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
"Young Black Prepubescents" (season five, episode 11; November 6, 2016)
WADE: You know something, Tyrone? At first, I thought you were just pretending to be black. Then I thought that all you needed to know was that it was wrong to be something you never could. But now I realize you're a mentally deficient, sick f*** who needs the highest form of counseling. And you're surrounded by people who enable you because they have no balls. So I'm just going to look the other way and never acknowledge you again.
SCENE 40
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
"When Satan Takes the Wheel" (season four, episode 14; May 15, 2016)
RK: You know, Jaylynn, I don't know how your brain works so well, but you've done it again. This plan is beautiful.
JAYLYNN: You're being sarcastic, aren't you?
RK: If my hand movements weren't enough to indicate that, I wasn't doing a good job.
SCENE 41
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
"The Tussauds-Seattle Experience" (season five, episode 7; October 16, 2016)
RK: You son of a bitch, you won't let me sit this one out? I'm ten years old, Wade. I'm not as young as I used to be, at some point, I have to slow down.
WADE: Shut up.
SCENE 42
The Saltalamacchia Household
Interior Basement
Seattle, Washington
"The Fourteenth Year" (season four, episode 1; September 27, 2015)
WADE: Guys, it's impossible for your voice to sound that deep because you're sick.
RK: And how do you know?
WADE: Because I'm eight years old and I skipped a grade, dumbass.
SCENE 43
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Freddie Benson Gymnasium
Seattle, Washington
"The Creamy Crack Manifesto" (season three, episode 7; November 9, 2014)
HALLEY: By the way, what do you think of my hair? I just dyed it.
RK: I would say something about that, but I don't want to say anything you're not going to like.
SCENE 44
The Saltalamacchia Household
Interior Basement
Seattle, Washington
"The Valentine's Dance" (season five, episode 18; February 12, 2017)
RK: Sounds like a plan. But just so you know, I'm going to be shitting on this dork dance from now until my throat goes sore from all the shitting. God, I love shitting on crap.
WADE: I worry about you every single day.
SCENE 45
Space Needle Diner
Interior Booth
Seattle, Washington
"Imperfect Friends" (season three, episode 8; November 30, 2014)
JAYLYNN: They are so freaking stubborn, I want to poke my brain out with a pencil just to make the pain stop.
LYNNE: Wouldn't that just cause more pain?
JAYLYNN: Thank you, Inspector Gadget.
LYNNE: It's not my fault you're an idiot.
JAYLYNN: Don't make me slap you, I'm not in the mood.
SCENE 46
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
"Cinema Thieves" (season two, episode 16; February 16, 2014)
JAYLYNN: Did you know they charge $3.25 for a pack of Skittles? And 58% of moviegoers across the country complained of poor customer service last year?
*bored* WADE: And did YOU know that according to recent Gallup polls, 1 in 12 middle fingers suggest I don't give a f***?
SCENE 47
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
"Harvest Week" (season two, episode 3; October 13, 2013)
WADE: Buster, I only treated you bad because I thought you were dumb, not because you were a thief.
BUSTER: You think I'm dumb?
WADE: That's not related.
SCENE 48
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
"KG the Carnegie" (season four, episode 9; January 31, 2016)
KG: RK, you and I both know that nobody has ever learned anything from watching TV. Besides, I'm trying to make sure the Jennings empire exists in the future. Who do you think is going to take it over after I die?
RK: We don't have an empire, and if this keeps up, I'm going to make sure I'm dead before you are.
SCENE 49
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
"Our Very First Flashback Blooper Clip Show" (season five, episode 27; May 14, 2017)
RK: That was two years ago. That shit was literally less than two years ago. You're not doing a good job.
JAYLYNN: Shut up.
Cut to the present day.
SCENE 50
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
SPARKY: Okay, who showed a clip from earlier on? What the hell, man?
WADE: I think the producers are genuinely getting tired of this.
RK: Well, this is what happens when we have no story. Hey, look, another question. This one is from Bill right here in Seattle: "Hey guys, are you going to wrap up this dumb shit soon? I tried showing my friends their first episode of the show so they could see how funny it is, but they've been rolling their eyes the whole time. You're ruining my Sunday night, jerks." Wow, even I felt violated.
BUSTER: I thought we were going to get to see some never before seen clips.
WADE: Yeah, what happened to those deleted scenes anyway?
SPARKY: You know what? Just show the f***ing shit already.
SCENE 51
Exterior Unknown Barn
"The Zombies Come Out at Night" (season five, episode 10; October 30, 2016)
RK's car pulls up to a nearby barn late at night.
BUSTER: Sparky, I'm scared.
SPARKY: I know, Buster. But what else can we do? We hide here, the zombies won't be able to catch us.
RK: You know what, guys? I really don't think we should be at this barn. Surrounded by animals who piss and shit every which way, suffering from hay fever. It's not worth it.
WADE: RK, we have to do something! These zombies are going to feast on our brains and now is not the time to second-guess all of our decisions.
RK: Look, you guys don't understand why we can't do this. See, I have very bad experiences involving barns.
BUSTER: What bad experiences do you have?
RK: I was four years old when my family took a summer trip to northern Kentucky. *camera begins to slowly zoom in on RK* My great uncle Corky bequeathed to us his old farm after he died choking on a bean bag. At the time, I knew almost nothing about farm life, but that was about to change. I then spent the next six weeks helping my parents and KG pick okra and get verbally abused by a turncoat friend of the family. I never even met the guy after that, but to this day, I can't even listen to "Sweet Home Alabama" without thinking about the trauma of getting called a buttmunch by a 55-year-old social worker in a Starter jacket.
JAYLYNN: HEY!
The camera zooms out to include a visibly annoyed Jaylynn in the shot.
JAYLYNN: ARE YOU SERIOUSLY TELLING US THIS FAKE ASS STORY WHEN OUR LIVES ARE IN DANGER?!
RK: We should probably get inside that barn.
The kids run into the barn and try using a piece of wood to board the door.
BUSTER: Okay, that should hold them off.
OLD MAN: What are you little kids doing here?
Cut to a man in overalls and glasses snorting cocaine on a nearby table. He then picks up a machete from a shelf and points it at the kids.
OLD MAN: This is my barn. And you punk-ass kids don't belong here.
RK: Oh, great. In an effort to escape evil zombies, we end up at the mercy of a murderous crackhead. What kind of life are we living?
SPARKY: Look, sir, please don't kill us. We're travelers from Seattle trying to escape a terrible zombie invasion.
OLD MAN: That zombie invasion I'm hearing all over the stations? Oh, man. I don't want you punk ass kids to die in here.
JAYLYNN: Because you care about protecting us from the invasion?
OLD MAN: No. Because I'm insane and if you kids die in here, I'm going back to jail.
Beat.
WADE: So what else happened in that barn story, RK?
SCENE 52
The MacDougal Household
Interior Tree House
Seattle, Washington
"Mort & Carl's Man Cave" (season five, episode 4; September 25, 2016)
SPARKY: Buster, can you believe this? Just because we decided to use this tree house as a party place, we made forty dollars in one night.
BUSTER: This is amazing. Let me crunch the numbers for a bit. If we throw ten parties a year for a rate of ten dollars each, we could both make...like, eight thousand bucks.
SPARKY: I don't think it will be that much. But maybe we shouldn't have to stop at this one party.
BUSTER: What do you mean?
SPARKY: I mean, this could be our ticket to a very lucrative business. This is where you and I become party planners, Buster.
BUSTER: Yeah, I don't think so. Taking away our sanctuary even more? This is probably how the Giants felt when the Jets threatened them into sharing.
SPARKY: Is that what happened?
BUSTER: Probably.
SPARKY: Oh, come on, man, it could be fun. You and me throwing dope parties every week and getting paid for it? It's like bags of money getting thrown at our doors. Picture it.
Sparky and Buster look at the ceiling in the tree house.
BUSTER: Is something supposed to happen?
SPARKY: Just wait for it. Last time, it took 45 minutes.
("Gin and Juice" by Snoop Doggy Dogg plays in the background)
Dissolve into a mansion. Sparky and Buster are wearing cheetah print robes as they walk towards their thrones. A bunch of adult females walk towards them and offer them drinks.
FEMALE #1: Your apple juice, Mr. MacDougal.
SPARKY: But, of course.
FEMALE #2: Your fruit punch, Mr. Newman.
BUSTER: You're too kind.
At that point, a chimp climbs up on both Sparky and Buster, and they throw their heads back and laugh. Dissolve into the present day.
BUSTER: Oh my God. Chimps in suits?! I'm in!
SCENE 53
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
"My Thanksgiving with the CimFam" (season four, episode 6; November 22, 2015)
BUSTER: Hey, you guys used to promote Subway a lot. What happened to that?
LAUREN: Oh, it was actually our parents that told us to give up the deal. You know, because of...what happened.
BUSTER: What happened?
DANI: You know, the thing. The whole scandal thing.
BUSTER: I have no idea what you're driving at.
Wade whispers something in Buster's ear.
BUSTER: Oh, I get it now.
LAUREN: Yeah, we couldn't even eat there for like, three weeks after what happened.
Cut to the present day.
SCENE 54
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
SPARKY: Well, we've been told that we ran out of time. Alright, in that case, it's time to say good night, Seattle.
BUSTER: Hey, wait a minute! We haven't done our closing introductions yet!
SPARKY: Okay. Go ahead.
BUSTER: Um, I'm Buster, and...yeah, thank you for tuning in tonight! Our thoughts are with you, Barry!
RK: What? We here at Thank You, Heavenly would like to thank you for your continued support. I mean, it's been five f***ing seasons, someone has to still be watching this.
WADE: We hope you've enjoyed our clips, bloopers, and deleted scenes. This wouldn't have been possible without the love and loyalty of our fans.
JAYLYNN: Join us next week when we close out the season with a doubleheader, including the episode that no one ever thought would happen.
SPARKY: Wait a minute. There's one last question.
RK: What is it?
SPARKY: It's from Anita in Kansas City. She says, "What does the future hold for Thank You, Heavenly?"
The kids look at each other with confusion and uncertainty.
JAYLYNN: Um...
Cut to black.
("Dust My Shoulders Off" by Jane Zhang featuring Timbaland plays in the end credits)
©2017 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS
