Alex grumbled and tried to straighten her hair.

"I-bloody-hate-this," she grumbled and the dog she named Sirius barked.

"You're not helping," she snapped.

"Um, miss?" Tobey started.

"It's Alex,' she told him trying to straighten her shirt. "Ark, bloody collar..."

"Yes, anyway, why are we at platform 9 and ¾?"

"Because there have been a number of high sue-sightings in this area," Alex gave up on her hair and started looking around. "And I need to kill something."

Tobey's eyes widened and he leaned away.

"Seriously, I've been through puberty once, I don't see why I have to do it again," she glared.

"So how young did they make you?" he asked nervously.

"Sixteen. They could have at least made me half vampire but no, Mac says it's too risky to play hybrid characters."

"Why?" Tobey asked. "It could make you stronger, give you an advantage over the sues."

"Because JK Rowling never really described her vampires so we don't know enough about them, we'd risk breaking the cannon rules. And it could make us targets for freelance hunters, ones that don't work for the SSU. These hunters are the worst because they've never been through training, especially the training that teaches them how to tell sues apart from other characters. Untrained hunters tend to kill any female character that is pretty and popular with the boys, and if she's a hybrid of any kind it doesn't help."

Then Alex remembered she was supposed to be teaching Tobey about sue hunting and asked him a few questions.

"Now Tobey, how could you tell the difference between a sue and the girl I just described?"

"Um," he thought about it for a few seconds. "A healthy character can still be attractive and popular as long as she has flaws."

"Such as?"

"Fleur," he said in a whisper. "From Goblet of Fire. She was beautiful and popular and she loved her family but she was a little stuck up. It wasn't a random flaw, since it was probably a result of people sucking up to her all the time. She could also be blatantly rude sometimes as she criticized Hogwarts while at the same time going on about how great Beaubatons was. Mary sues can be stuck up the same way but the difference here was that JK Rowling didn't expect everyone to love her."

"Very good Tobey. And why are freelance hunters so dangerous?"

"Because they focus on the character's strengths without looking at the weaknesses, and often attack characters who aren't sues, or sues that can be rehabilitated."

"Very good Tobey," Alex told him, scanning the crowd.

"I don't see any of them here," Tobey told her.

"True." Everyone she could see were pretty average looking. "Most sue writers tend to skip this part, we'll see more on the train. Usually every compartment is conveniently full so she can find an excuse to sit with Harry." Alex rolled her eyes.

Alex, Tobey and Sirius boarded the train once they'd checked out the train station.

"Are you sure he's allowed?" Tobey asked. "I mean, the letter said a cat, an owl or a toad only."

"And JK Rowling negated that rule when she gave Ron a rat. Trust me, with all the wolves and unicorns the sues are bringing in, no one's going to notice a dog."

Suddenly, Sirius's nose was in the air and Alex nudged Tobey.

"See that? He's caught the scent."

Sirius started barking and pushed his way through the students.

"Sirius!" Alex hissed. "Slow down! Get back here!" She gave Tobey her trunk and told him to find a compartment for them and she rushed after her dog.

Sure enough she found him slobbering all over a stunning girl with "brilliant flaming locks of auburn" that went down in ringlets. Her eyes were "glistening gold with emerald flecks" and rather than black, her pupils changed colour like tacky mood rings. Hunters were trained to see the words used in a sues' description and each word hit her in the face like a slimy dead fish. Alex didn't even want to look at the sue's dress which was "strawberry pink satin" and had ruffles and lace and beads. The sleeves were big and puffy, and there was dark pink lace around the hem. She wore little white socks with pink shoes with butterfly clips on the shoe laces. Alex made a face, it was clearly written by a twelve year old who spent her free time playing dress up.

"Oh," the sue made a sudden noise, her "delicious cherry lips parted as she spoke, with a voice like an angelic nightingale."

"Is this your dog?"

"Sure he is," She smiled. She didn't want to talk to the sue any longer than she had to but it never hurt to be polite. "His name is Sirius."

"Oooh, Like Sirius Black?" She asked, her voice full of admiration. "I have a unicorn call Sunshine!"

Bingo Alex thought. That was the Author speaking, a normal Harry Potter character wouldn't say his name like that, since he's supposed to be a dangerous criminal.

"Close, I named him after the star." Myth had it that Sirius the dog had been the hunting companion of Orion the hunter, and so it was a name that suited her new hound perfectly.

"Oh, okay. I'm Cherriellabelle," the sue stuck out her hand for her to shake, her perfect pink nails glittered in the sunlight.

"My name's Annabelle," she gave the sue the false identity she had been given back at Headquarters.

"That's pretty," Cherriellabelle nodded approvingly.

"So's Cherriella, I'm jealous."

The creature giggled. "Most people can't say it properly. It's pronounced cherry-ella-belle. My full name is Cherriellabelle Tiffany Crystal Lisa Marie Presley Prescott Mary Bella Moonstone, but you can call me Cherri. I'm looking for Harry, have you seen him?"

And idea came to Alex that made her smile with genuine joy.

"Um, no. But why don't you come back to my compartment?"

"No, I really should wait for Harry," Cherri insisted stubbornly.

"Oh there'll be plenty of time later. We can find him at the sorting."

Cherri looked at her suspiciously.

"Not that I'm like, interested." Alex flicked her hair and giggled like a fan girl. "I'm far more interested in..."

Damn it, think of a Gryffindor guy.

"Seamus!"

"Seamus? The Irish guy?" She sue wrinkled her nose. "He's like, not as hot as Harry..."

"Like, I know, right? But his accent is so cute." Alex giggled sending a silent apology to the entire Irish nation. She glad that the hunters had all been taught how to speak fluent sue. She secretly studied her prey, according to the handbook sues were more likely to be themselves around other sues. If she thought she was fan girl like herself, she might open up. It worked.

"So, lyke, if you're one of us why didn't you make yourself prettier?"

"Because I didn't want every guy in school after me, just Seamus." Alex fluttered her eyelashes and giggled again.

"Soooo true," the sue giggled again. Alex wanted to spew.

"So, like, do you want to come and sit with me? We can find the guys later."

"Sure! We're lyke, going to be best friends!" Cherri grabbed Alex's hands and jumped up and down giggling. Alex followed suit as enthusiastically as she could. The infamous Mary sue mating dance, where the sues discovered a "super-duper best friend" and man-hunting companion.

We sound like chipmunks on crack. She thought angrily.

"I'm soo glad to have a friend!" Cherri said as "a tear like pure liquid diamond" trickled down her cheek. "My life has been so tragic I am happy to have a friend on whom I can truly depend..."

"Oh tell me about it." Alex meant to say it as a dismissal, but Cherri took it as a literal invitation.

"My mother died when I was a baby and my father worked all the time and he was never home." Cherri's eyes glazed over as she told her story. "And our butler was very cruel to me. He made me do all the servant work and used to beat me if I didn't do everything he said. He would lock me in the attic too and said I wasn't lady like enough because I didn't like to wear dresses. My only true friend was the servant boy Jonathan who worked for our family, when the butler starved me he brought me food and soon we were in love. When the butler found out he..." Cherri took some time for a dramatic sniff and a wail. "Killed him and buried him in the backyard. Then he beat me almost to death, I ran away and I came to Hogwarts..."

It wasn't the worst sue story Alex had ever heard, just more of the same old crap. Cherri started sobbing and Alex put an arm around her awkwardly. Of course Cherri didn't get a snotty nose or blotchy eyes like a normal sue. Only a sue could cry and still look pretty, the bitch.

"And now Harry will fall in love with you and you'll be happy forever."

Cherri sniffled and nodded. "He'll love me, I know he will."

"Of course he will," Alex smiled and led her to the compartment Tobey had found for them.

"Ooh, did I tell you I can also heal people?" Cherri told her and Alex fought a groan.

Cherri was still chattering about her "tragic past" and was telling Alex what she planned on naming the thirteen children she and Harry were going to have once they got married. As soon as they entered the compartment Tobey had secured, Alex clamped a hand over Cherri's mouth and wrapped her other arm around her body, pinning her arms to her sides.

"Hmmmm!" Cherri protested.

"Oooh, don't worry sweetie, this'll be over real soon." Alex purred in her ear. People always told her that she enjoyed this too much. It wasn't enough to just kill them, she enjoyed their fear and loved to see their pain. It was scientifically proved that Mary Sues had no soul, so it technically wasn't murder. She had been an assassin before she was a sue slayer, she had killed plenty of times before. She had always enjoyed a bit of blood, even before she became a vampire.

"Tobey, get the window," she said quietly. She could have laughed, this girl obviously wasn't a warrior sue. She was struggling, but not good enough to escape.

Tobey opened the train window and they pushed the girl through kicking and squirming. Alex waved and blew her a kiss as she fell, and she looked on with Tobey as she was crushed beneath the wheels of the Hogwarts express, her blood splattered all over the train tracks and her tacky "strawberry pink satin" dress was stained with the red goo as her body was broken and battered, and her head split open like a watermelon under a sledgehammer.

"Is it always that easy?" Tobey asked as they sat back down.

"Not always, she wasn't expecting an attack and she was a damsel-in-distress sue. Sues like her always rely on the lead male character to rescue them and we got her just in time. We also got to her before she got to know anyone, no one will notice her missing."

"So does this mean we go home?" Tobey asked.

Alex shook her head.

"Not unless we get a call from command." Alex sat back. Sirius trotted over and put his head on her knee.

"Fat load of good you were."

Sirius wagged his tail and whined.