The umbrella disclaimer for all chapters: I don't own anything.
||Note (from the actual author and in between these four lovely linebreaker things because I don't want you peeps to get confused): This is a combination of a parody and a crack fic. I repeat: a fucking crack/parody. I have no idea how it's going to work, so bear with me. I am inspired and have eaten miraculous candies that have induced this mess of a story. This is probably the last time you'll see an AN that's written by me: the rest would be from GlitterRainbow736xxx (made up username), the author of this extraordinarily bad fic (named "Hawwt Marauders Story!11!").
PS: I know that Lily doesn't have blue eyes, and Peter does factually exist, and Remus can't have Werewolf Magic ™. I have common sense. Thanks.||
And the parody starts in 3...2...1. (Enjoy)
Chapter 1: In Which Lily Evans is Actually Mary Sue
The girls clamor to be around Sirius Black, for some reason, though everyone knows that he is just an arrogant, childish player (with a hot body!)
He enjoys their attention too, even though he has a boyfriend by the name of Remus Lupin, who is a bookish, smart guy (also with a hot body!)
The other person in their friend group is James Potter, who has Quidditch-toned body, and a jawline that could break literally everything in his way. He is also a boy with a great sense of humor and even though he has shagged almost every single girl in his year (with his hot body!) he is looking for an intelligent, witty, slightly horny girl with tumbling red hair and curves in all the right places who might be willing to commit.
(Oh yeah there's also Peter, but we'll just ignore him...)
||Right, there's Petter, as well as the looming Wizarding war, and the concept of Holidays (™?), and the concept of parents, and the concept of school, and the concept of Britain, and the concept of society, but we'll ignore all of that. Starting now. Welcome to SPOOKY MORMON HELL DREAM—sorry, wrong musical. Welcome to "Hawwt Marauders Story!11!" And please be liberal with the curses to my name.||
/
Meanwhile in the Gryffindor common room…
(Nobody's POV!)
A girl that goes by the name of Lily Evans is wallowing in pain from her suicidal brother, drug-obsessed mother, and father with commitment issues who has left her family and caused her low self esteem and trust issues, even though (quite coincidentally) she is normally an intelligent, witty, slightly horny girl with curves in all the right places (think C-cups and tumbling red hair) who is willing to commit.
And James Potter has never seen her before in his whole life, even though they've been in the same house for 7 years, just a note.
Lily Evans, the previously mentioned girl, has stuffed herself inside ugly sweaters and has miraculously procured a half Scottish half American accent though she had been living in the middle of Britain for all of her 17 years.
She's smart, as I've established before.
Suddenly, a very hyper Sirius Black pops out of nowhere, pushing Lily down the couch while tossing his sexy, smooth, black hair around as if in a shampoo commercial.
"Ouch!" She yells indignantly, "Watch where you're going, asshole! Aye!"
(She has successfully executed her knowledge of the so called "American" language, with a perfect American accent, no less, except for the weirdly Scottish "aye" added at the end, inspite of living for her entire in the United Kingdom.)
Sirius sneers at her, just because, and Lily suddenly starts to cry, the tears roll off her cheek in huge blobs, and Sirius screams girlishly, facing the demon of hormonal emotions and salty, watery monsters that's still dripping off Lily's extremely-sexy-and-hot-AF (only when she's not crying) face.
Lily screams back and cries more, of course, which is what most girls do in the shadow of a predicament like this, causing Sirius to scream even more.
After roughly 73 seconds of mind-piercing screams that was heard by all faculty members and students alike (Dumbledore reconsiders his decision of letting the mermaids roam too close to Hogwarts grounds, shrugs, and continues his crossdressing show along with Professor McGonagall), Sirius faints, way too anticlimactically, whispering for the gods of "white, fluffy bunnies" under his breath.
Lily doesn't know what to do: she is a depressing loner, so she doesn't have any hot friends to help her out, but James saves her by sweeping in from the doors with his convenient long robes and posh accent.
"I require a unicorn, a lifetime supply of white chocolate, 10 centaur butlers, 25 different species of rare tropical fish, and a pool of galleons. ASAP!" James snaps at Lily, his hazel orbs (eye contraptions, melting wood colored, eyeballs of light) glinting dangerously as he surveys Sirius and looks around him.
Lily has the annoying urge to start crying again. Not a day has passed since she first glanced at James Potter in that bright, luminous Spring day that she hasn't thought of him without waves of wanton lust. He could command her all he wants (with his hot body!) and she would never get tired of it. But at the same time, she is a respectable female with a high sense of pride, so she simply refuses to be bossed around like that, even if the commander in question is her long-lusted-after James.
After a long silence, James looks up from Sirius to Lily, who is trembling with her eyes suspiciously bright. James looks deep into her sky-blue eyes, reading the love in them, and ignoring Sirius' unconscious body, he says:
"Wanna fuck?"
AN: *looonnngggg squeee* Cliffy! Gasp! Le Drama. Is Lily going to accept his offer, showing her passion for him through long, arduous coitus, nevermind the fact that they probably have school? Would James' order of unicorn, a lifetime supply of white chocolate, 10 centaur butlers, 25 different species of rare tropical fish, and a pool of galleons ever be fulfilled? Have they forgotten about Sirius and his absolutely sexy hair? Read to find out more. -GlitterRainbow736xxx (your fabulous author!)
