My name is Stephanie Plum and tonight is my thirtieth birthday party. I wasn't sure a few months ago how much I'd have to celebrate – I mean looking on the bright side I no longer have to catch the train to work and I get to sleep in. The downside is that I was made redundant from my job as a lingerie buyer, and I no longer have a job.
Luckily my husband Dickie just got promoted at his job, and being a lawyer who works long hours makes enough money that we don't have to worry financially too much.
He encouraged me to take a break from work, relax at home. Secretly I think he was just hoping that I'd do his ironing for him, clean this overly gigantic townhouse that he insisted on buying and turn into a housewife inspired by my mother. No thanks. Instead I took all the ideas I had as a lingerie buyer that the company thought wouldn't be successful, and turned them into Plum Lingerie.
To kick off, I'm starting with a line of maternity lingerie – Plum Blossoms. My best friend Mary Lou told me enough times during her pregnancies how uncomfortable her maternity wear was, and how hard it was to find something to feel good in. So that was first on my list. Mary Lou's mother's group members were the testers for my prototypes (thank goodness Mary Lou has access to a supply of women who need maternity wear because that's not my scene) and feedback has been positive. So we're about ready to launch.
I've been working hard on this for the past few months and it's been taking up all my time. I guess it's lucky then that Dickie works so much, so he's hardly ever home to notice that this is a more than fulltime job. As long as there's food in the fridge when he comes in, he's happy (luckily there's a great deli nearby that sells pre-made meals – saves on time and cleaning, and also I don't set anything on fire or explode mashed potatoes into the ceiling, and hey, did you know that if you leave a pot on long enough it is possible to set water on fire?).
Tonight though is going to be a different – I'm taking a night off. My parents wanted to have dinner for my birthday. I suggested going out to a restaurant but my mother acted like I'd suggested we eat poison. So dinner at home it is, but with Mary Lou coming too. She's excited because she gets to leave the house without any children. She's been planning her outfit for a week even though she's only going two streets over from her house.
Dinner party guests (besides the guest of honour) include my mom, dad, Grandma Mazur (she's been living with my parents and driving my dad insane since Grandpa Mazur died two years ago), Mary Lou, and Dickie.
Dinner starts promptly at six, as always, and I've reminded Dickie a million times not to be late. He was due home ten minutes ago and I'm starting to think I've been stood up.
My phone rang. Dickie.
"Steph, I'm sorry," he started.
"Oh no. But it's my birthday."
"I know, honey, but it's a crisis meeting. I can't get out of it. I tried, really."
"My birthday!"
"I'm sorry, Steph. I'll try to make it for dessert, okay? Then you and I can celebrate later at home."
I hung up. He might be really sorry but he's done this too many times already. And now I'm in danger of being late! The pot roast will be ruined. At least since it's my birthday I'm guaranteed cake.
I made it across town just before six pm and had just enough time to say hello to Grandma and Mom and pour myself a glass of wine before the doorbell rang.
Mary Lou was bouncing when I open the door. She could barely contain herself.
"Steph! You'll never believe what Lenny told me! He found out from Eddie Gazzara when he stopped by his work." She paused for emphasis.
"Spit it out!"
"Joseph Morelli has gone FTA."
"FTA? What's that mean?"
"It means he didn't show up for his court date! They're sending bounty hunters after him! If he doesn't show up to court soon, your cousin Vinnie is out the bond, and he has to try it and get the money off Mrs Morelli. I heard she put her house up as collateral!"
What a happy day. Not only is Joseph Morelli in imminent danger of going to jail, but my cousin Vinnie is going to be out money over it. Vinnie is awful so I couldn't feel bad for him. I'd feel slightly bad for Mrs Morelli except that I doubted Vinnie would ever get the courage up to take her house. Poor Vinnie, stuck between the Morelli Clan and his father-in-law, Harry the Hammer. I don't know which was one scarier. Harry could make Vinnie disappear, but that would make his daughter Lucille unhappy so he probably wouldn't do that. Joe's Grandma Bella would put The Eye on Vinnie if he tried anything to get his money back. Her powers were legendary.
Grandma Mazur appeared. "Where are you girls doing lurking in the doorway?" she asked. "Come in, Mary Lou, sit down, we've got a few minutes until dinner is ready. Now, what were you girls talking about? Bedroom stories? I've got a few of those I could share."
"No Grandma," I said quickly, before she could share. "We were talking about Joseph Morelli.
Grandma's eyes lit up. "Isn't that a pip of a thing?" she said. "And your cousin Vinnie's bounty hunter Morty Byers had to get his appendix out, so he can't go after Joseph. Vinnie might actually have to get out of his office and do some work."
Grandma gestured us towards the table and poured some wine. "Now, Stephanie, where's this husband of yours? Dinner's almost ready and your mother doesn't deal well with late guests."
"He can't make it, Grandma, he's got to work late."
"On your birthday? That man is a horse's patootie."
I was saved from another round of "Your husband is a horse's patootie just like your grandfather, God rest his soul, said before he passed away". It's a popular topic at dinner. No wonder Dickie stays away.
"Dinner's ready!"
Saved. No one would dare hold up dinner. Everyone quickly settled into their places as my mother brought out the food, my father appearing from the safety of the den and sliding into his chair at the last second.
"Happy birthday, pumpkin, hello Mary Lou", he said as he sat down.
"Hello Mr Plum, Mrs Plum, thank you for inviting me for dinner," Mary Lou said, showing that you're never too old to show off that your mother instilled manners into you. Especially in The Burg.
"Mary Lou, how are all your boys? Your mother must be thrilled to have so many grandchildren nearby," my mother said. I wasn't sure if that was a dig at me for not providing any grandchildren, or at Valerie for moving so far away. Let's put that one down to Valerie.
The pot roast was excellent, the mashed potatoes and gravy perfection, and the cake was pineapple upside down cake, my favourite. Mary Lou and I both left loaded down with containers. Her phone started beeping as we got to our cars and she pulled it out to check her messages.
"Oh no, Kenny's started vomiting. I've got to go home and help Lenny out with the kids. I'm so sorry, Steph, I was going to suggest that we go out for a drink."
"It's okay, Mare. Really. We'll catch up for a drink soon and do a girls night out. I'm too full from dinner to go out now anyway, I'm going to go home and hit the couch."
I hopped into my car and headed home, thinking that at least I wasn't going home to deal with vomit. It's the small things that make life brighter.
