Arkham Oddyssey

"Booooring!" groaned J.J., throwing down the book he was reading and rubbing his eyes.

"I know it is, but we have to get through this for Lit class," muttered his twin sister Arleen, her eyes focused on her copy of the same book.

"No, that's what Wikipedia is for," retorted her brother, turning to his laptop. "It's so you don't have to read books for school, and can rip plot summaries off the internet instead. God bless technology."

"That's cheating, J.J.," said Arleen, looking up to glare at him sternly.

"It's only cheating if you get caught," retorted J.J., typing in the web address.

"Is that what you tell your girlfriend?" asked Arleen.

"I don't cheat on my girlfriends – they all know about each other," retorted J.J. "Aunt Ivy says that's the future of romantic relationships – completely open with no jealousy on either side."

"Uh huh," said Arleen, skeptically. "I can't see that catching on with Mom and Dad, for instance."

"Well, Mom's obsessive love for Dad can hardly be considered normal," retorted J.J. "Anyway, it would've saved a lotta trouble in that story," he said, nodding at the book. "If Helen of Troy had just told Menelaus that she just wasn't into him anymore, and he'd let her go with Paris, there probably wouldn't have been a ten year war. Which, by the way, is how long it feels like it takes to read that book."

"I think it's kinda romantic," said Arleen. "Starting a war over the one you love – at least it shows you really care."

"Now you're starting to sound like Mom," retorted J.J. "That's probably just the kinda thing she'd find romantic. Personally, the whole concept seems incredibly outdated to me."

"What, romance?" asked Arleen. "You get that from Dad."

"I'm just saying, today's modern, strong, independent women shouldn't want or need to fall back into dated stereotypes about being wooed," said J.J., shrugging.

"I think you're letting Aunt Ivy influence you more than she should," retorted Arleen. "She doesn't speak for all modern and strong women, you know. Shockingly enough, like any group of people, we all have individual tastes and ideas and preferences. And personally, I like a little romance."

"Have you told Damian?" asked J.J. "That's your problem with him – waiting for him to make the first move."

"I'm not waiting for that," snapped Arleen. "We're just friends."

"Sure," said J.J., rolling his eyes. "And me and Aunt Ivy are just family."

"What's that supposed to mean?" asked Arleen.

"Nothing," said J.J., hastily. "Anyway, here's a detailed plot summary. Sure you don't wanna cheat?"

"I'm sure," said Arleen, firmly. "I have principles."

"Well, as Dad always says, principles are for suckers," said J.J.

"You know, you don't have to take all of Dad's sayings as gospel," retorted Arleen. "I mean, do you want to turn out exactly like him?"

"I don't see why not," said J.J. "He's the greatest supercriminal in Gotham, and he's always happy. Seems like a pretty great role model to me."

"I'm not saying he's not a role model, just…don't you have the desire to…I dunno…kinda break outta his shadow?" asked Arleen, slowly. "And maybe…forge your own destiny?"

"I think I can forge my own destiny in Dad's shadow," said J.J., shrugging. "I'm not gonna be identical to him – see my belief in multiple relationships, for example. But his life has given us a pretty good springboard to live whatever life we wanna."

"Except maybe a non-criminal one," muttered Arleen.

"I'm sure Dad wouldn't mind if you wanted to try being one of the good guys for a while," said J.J. "But I'm betting you'll get bored pretty quick. Good guys are all a buncha boring sad sacks, everyone knows that."

"What about the guy in this book?" asked Arleen, holding it up. "The story may be boring, but he's not."

"Nor is he strictly a good guy," said J.J. "I'll say one thing for the Greeks – stories were better when your protagonists didn't have to be good people. You got a lotta interesting protagonists in Oedipus and Medea and Jason, for example, who were all horrible people. That's not even going into the stories of their gods, who were basically universally awful. But the stories are still entertaining, and frankly, that's what's missing in creative works today. Stories with horrible people at their core, who you nevertheless are interested in. Bad characters who are nevertheless compelling. Now everyone thinks all characters have gotta be role models of some sort. I think our good guy obsessed society just isn't ready for an irredeemably bad protagonist, sadly."

"Maybe," agreed Arleen. "Thank God we always had Dad telling us stories growing up – at least he made his protagonists interesting and not preachy, like every other kid's story ever."

"Shame he can't summarize this story for us with his own twist," sighed J.J. "But I doubt Dad's read it."

"You doubt Dad's read what?" asked the Joker, entering the room at that moment.

"The Odyssey," replied J.J., gesturing to the book he had tossed aside. "We're doing a thing on Homer in Lit class."

"Homer Simpson?" asked Joker.

"See?" sighed J.J. "No, Dad, it's an ancient Greek epic about a guy called Odysseus trying to get home after the Trojan War…"

"Oh yeah, that thing with the horse," said Joker, nodding. "You'd think the war would be the story, not the getting home."

"That's in the other epic by Homer, The Illiad," replied J.J. "This is kinda the sequel."

"Odysseus insults Poseidon, the God of the Sea, which is kinda stupid because he has to use the sea to get home," explained Arleen. "So Poseidon keeps crashing his ship and making it land on random islands inhabited by strange creatures, so with the ten year war and the ten year voyage, it actually takes him twenty years to get home."

"Seems like a bad move to insult him, but then again, the God of the Sea seems kinda petty, so maybe he had the insult coming," commented Joker. "Is this just one of those stories where everything could have been resolved easily by people just not being idiots?"

"Pretty much," agreed J.J. "But you can't say those stories aren't true to life, since most people are idiots."

"True," said Joker, nodding.

"Anyway, we have to read this whole thing, but it's kinda a slog to get through," said Arleen. "And J.J. was saying it's a shame you couldn't just tell us a version where you get the gist, but still make it fun, the way you used to do all your fun versions of stories when we were kids."

"Yeah, that would be cool," said Joker, nodding. "And an epic sounds like the perfect kinda story for the 200th. It's kinda epic that she's held on this long, after all - I honestly didn't think the kid would last ten stories. Not that I don't bear some credit for being fabulous and fun to write about."

"Who's she?" asked Arleen, confused. "You haven't told 200 stories, have you?"

"No, but the Greenleaf girl has…never mind, I'll tell you when you're older," said Joker, waving his hand. "Anyway, there's no reason why I couldn't take a stab at telling a version of this, assuming somebody can get the plot summary up on Wikipedia for me."

"Already done," said J.J., nodding at the screen.

"Look how handy that is – I love technology," said Joker. "It gives you the plot, and a list of themes found in the work. I wish we had this kinda stuff in my day – cheating in school would have been so much easier."

"See?" said J.J., sticking his tongue out at his sister.

"I told J.J. that sometimes it's better not to cheat on schoolwork," said Arleen.

"Well, yeah, if it's something important or useful it's good to learn it," said Joker, nodding. "Like chemistry so you can make Joker toxin. But English Lit? C'mon, it's the most useless subject out there. Analyzing books is gonna have zero real world applications or future uses, so it's kinda a waste of time. So why not cheat and do something fun with all your free time? Though I do admire your ethics, sweetness," he said, nodding at Arleen. "You certainly didn't get them from me."

"It's just something I'm experimenting with, ethics and morality and stuff," said Arleen, shrugging. "Probably won't last."

"Probably won't," muttered J.J., nodding. "Probably will pass along with the Batman crush."

"Shut up!" snapped Arleen, throwing her book at him. He ducked before it could hit him.

"How are you gonna read it now?" he demanded.

"Pipe down, you two, I'm trying to read here!" said Joker, who clearly hadn't heard as he was intently scanning the screen. "Yeah, there's lots here to work with," he said, nodding. "I mean, a guy encountering island after island of random weirdos really does lend itself to our friendship group…ooh, I know who that's gonna be!" he exclaimed, pointing excitedly. "It fits her to a T! Plus we already live in a world full of beings with god-like power – the superfreaks are a shoe-in for those gods. Most of 'em are just as stupid, selfish, and petty too."

"Puddin', can you not talk about people like that?" sighed Harley, entering the room. "You'll give the kiddies a bad attitude."

"I'm talking about the superfreaks," retorted Joker.

"Oh. Well, in that case, say what you want about those self-serving, self-righteous, bullying jerks," said Harley.

"I don't think Batman's as bad as the rest of them," said Arleen, lightly.

"From a certain point of view, he's the worst," retorted J.J. "You can kinda see why those with super powers might mistakenly believe they have a duty to help the less powerful, but an otherwise normal guy in a bat costume? What right does he have to elevate himself above the rest of humanity?"

"I don't know, but at least he isn't annoyingly flawless," retorted Arleen.

"Yeah, he's got a lot of flaws," agreed Joker. "But so do I, and people don't call me a hero. Although they will in this story!" he chuckled. "Gotta say, that'll be pretty epic, and make a nice change. I don't think I've ever been a hero before, and suddenly I'm a hero in both this and an actual comics series, which is also pretty epic..."

"You're telling a story, puddin'?" asked Harley, eagerly.

"Yep, The Odyssey," said Joker, nodding. "Or I guess that should be Oddyssey if it features me and the Arkham freaks, huh?" he chuckled.

"Am I gonna be in it?" asked Harley.

"Of course, pooh – we all will be!" said Joker. "Apparently in the original story the hero only has a son, but we'll change it to a son and daughter in my version, just so no one's left out."

Arleen smiled. "Ok, Dad, you've convinced me," she said. "I'll listen to your version, and then read the plot summary on Wikipedia."

"That's my girl!" exclaimed Joker, kissing her cheek. "Principles are for suckers, after all. And my character is still gonna think that in this story, even though he's a hero. Now let's begin at the beginning, since nobody ever wants a prequel to anything. The setting: a kingdom in ancient Greece called Arkham, ruled by a guy named, surprisingly enough, the Joker, who has just received some very bad news that makes his normally beaming smile turn into a frown – because a guy from Troy stole a guy from Greece's wife, Greece has declared war on Troy, meaning the Joker's off to war, leaving his young family and his young wife behind. And as much as the Joker enjoys violence and killing people, the fact that he has to leave his family for such a stupid reason is a joke he doesn't appreciate…"