If only he knew just how much damage he has caused.

Sometimes, it hurts.

Hurts really bad, like… like someone reached in and ripped out my heart, then stepped on it.

The pain sometimes seems bearable… but sometimes I have to blink and hide my tears.

The pain every time I have to see him with her.

The pain every time I have to fake a smile.

The pain every time I see him hold her, touch her, kiss her…

But I hold in the pain. I refuse to let the tears fall, because I am Maka. Maka does not cry, does not show weakness… But how did she manage to fall in love with him? Maka, the tough girl with her drunk father who was almost never home, fall in love? It seems impossible. But it isn't.

I started to fall for him since the day we met. I thought he was kind of cute, but I refused to let him through my iron defence. I only had allowed one other person inside, who is my best friend today. But, when he befriended my best friend, I let my defenses down, just the tiniest bit. That was how he clawed himself inside.

He was like a parasite there. He stole away my defenses, and I paid for it later, when he broke my heart.

He never knew he broke it, and never will.

I do not intend on telling him. I do not intend on telling anyone. I refuse to show weakness. I refuse to let them know I was hurt inside. Broken. I refuse to let anyone care for me. For my pains.

Because deep down, I know I don't deserve it.

But, it seems like a longing… no, need…for my broken heart to find refuge. I wanted somewhere safe where no one could break me… like he did.

When I wanted to get him off my mind, I wanted to take Soul to the dance. When I was rejected, I went to get a smoothie. It never bothered me that Soul already had a girlfriend. In fact, I didn't like him at all. I just wanted a distraction from him. But when I walked into the Death Smoothie, what more could I have seen then him, dancing with her, holding her close.

Sometimes, I imagine me being the one he was holding so close. Me being the one he was unstoppably in love with. Me being the one for him, and him being the one for me.

But yet, the pain still wanted to follow me.

Not even 2 months after, he pushed her out of the way from that truck, and one of my worst fears had been realized. She fell for him.

I pretended not to notice when that girl flirted with him and she pulled him into a long kiss. I pretended to have just walked in. Hiding my pain and tears, I faked a smile and gave some witty remark. He looked annoyed, but I took any attention that wasn't trained on her I could get.

In honesty, I am not mad at her. She is my best friend, and even he can't step between that. She will always have the small part of my heart that he doesn't hold absentmindedly and unaware in his hand.

I made another witty remark, and it confused him. He wanted to know what I was talking about. Finally, a bit of my anger and pain came out in a flurry of word. I told him that she only liked the thing he did, not him.

They broke up.

But here, a few months later, she still did love him.

They got back together.

Sometimes I long for my heart back. I wanted to shove a bottle of super glue at him and tell him to give it back in one piece. I wanted him to fix it.

But the only way for that to happen was for me to get over him.

But I couldn't possibly do that.

I love him with all my heart. Just letting him go… that would kill me emotionally. But holding onto the small piece of me that says that he might love me back will just kill me slower and more painfully. It would be better to just break it off and get over it, but I am afraid of what would happen.

Maka Albarn, afraid.

Afraid of what would happen after I began to ignore every thought of him that tried to claw itself into my mind. Afraid of the thought that he might just love me too. Afraid of the pain he already gave me, and afraid of the more to come.

I wanted a refuge so badly… for the pain just to end. To wake up from the nightmare I was engulfed in.

But I wouldn't stoop so low as to suicide. That is the coward's way out of pain. I may be a broken hearted, depressed girl, but I am not a coward. I will myself not to cry for the pain that you somehow manage to bring. I need a refuge!

But, as much as I'd like a refuge, my heart has no home. Though if longs for the beating to return to its broken shell, nothing comes. There is nothing to fix it.

Sometimes he actualy has the nerve to ask me what's wrong, can't he see he's just making it worse. Then he leaves and I start crying and I run to my room and I pretend to sleep so if he comes in he won't suspect a thing