Story: "Who Am I Now?"
Chapter: 1: "Introduction"
Author: SensesFaillxx

Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN "CATS"! I don't own the Rum Tum Tugger, Munkustrap, Mistoffelees, or any other characters in future chapters. All rights go to Andrew Lloyd Webber, T.S. Eliot, and all those cool people…

AH Warning! All of the characters have human characteristics (reading the Bible, just reading in general, having a room and bed, believing in a God) but I still have them living in a junkyard-type setting. It's obviously more civilized than an actual junkyard, but it's just the idea that all the Jellicles live in one area together.

Slash Warning! Please, if you have real criticism, send a review. But if you just don't like slash, don't bother me with a rude comment. I touched up on it briefly in this chapter, but in future chapters there will be actual Tugger/Misto contact. They'll eventually get together…

Another warning…this story is pretty religious. It's based on the Catholic religion. It's going to go into the religious aspects of being homosexual, and how Tugger learns to cope with his issue. I really don't want this story to seem like only Catholics will like it…that's not my goal at all…But again, if you're gunna be nasty about it, just don't read…

Also note…Tugger's the narrator, and if the words "He" or "You" are capitalized, Tugger's referring to God. Notice that as Tugger gets frustrated with what he reads in the Bible, he starts to call it just "the/that book".


My lifestyle. The life that I chose to live every day. My condition. My condition is bad. It's a sin. It's morally wrong. It's forbidding me from entering the Kingdom of God. It's edging me into the gates of Hell. As it stands right now, I'm destined to Hell.

I just don't understand it. I can't grasp the concept of it. Why is it that He doesn't love me like I thought He did? He welcomed me into his life with open arms. He's the one who guided me through my period of depression. He's the one who forgave me after all the trouble I used to cause. He told me that He loved everyone equally. He told me that things like race, gender, and size didn't matter.

"There is no longer Jew or Greek
There is no longer slave or free
There is no longer male or female
For we all are one in Christ Jesus."
~Galatians 3:28

That's what the Bible said. That's what He said. Well…He lied to me. He was lying to me the whole time.

How could You do this to me? How could You lie to me like this?

He convinced me that everyone was equal. But I discovered otherwise.

~x~

It was a rainy night. But to call it rainy…that's just an understatement. That unbelievably pouring weather trapped me in my room for the night. I would have much rather been wandering at the time, exploring the nocturnal features of the junkyard without the kids running around…but I hate getting wet…

It was exactly three years after I admitted to myself that I was gay. It was exactly two years after I was rejected by the love of my life. It was exactly one year after the therapist diagnosed me with depression. It was exactly ten months after I discovered God. But Man, that rejection sucked…big time. He wasn't mean about it at all. He tried to be polite, but I just couldn't take it. Mistoffelees doesn't understand how much I love him…I don't know why. I guess he can't see me as being faithful or whatever. But God, fortunately, was there for me. He helped me get through it, but I still don't feel like I ever got over the rejection completely. After all, I wasn't lying. I do love Misto. I love him with everything I have…But it's just…every time I kiss him, I pull myself a little closer to Hell. But I just can't help it. It's who I am.

Who am I now?

I'm trying to drag myself out of this depression. I'm finding myself a lot happier these days. But, even then, I'm still more quiet and reserved than I used to be. I don't think I'll ever be the same guy I was. Remember the cocky, arrogant, stubborn Tugger…I had that carefree attitude and playfulness that I thought nothing could take away. I was always looking to have a good time. I was a prankster, but not a Mungojerrie/Rumpleteazer kind of prankster…I was never trying to hurt anyone, it was all for my own fun. I was a man-whore though…I slept with everyone imaginable…Looking back, I'm not really proud of some of the things I did, but all of these qualities made up who I was. And I'm never going to get them back…

Who am I now?

The sudden roar of thunder startled me a bit, as I turned the page of my worn-out Bible. This Bible meant a lot to me. It wasn't just a book; it was my life…or at least a big chunk of my life. It was a gift from my older brother, Munkustrap a while ago. He thought I could use some faith in my life when we discovered that I was depressed. He was right…He was sitting right next to me when I was diagnosed. God brought light into my life. He brought me happiness, an emotion I could never truly grasp beforehand.

I took a moment to cross my legs and scratch my head before I continued to read on. My eyes widened and my heart hardened as I read some surprising words. My mind started to race with all sorts of questions. I needed answers. Instantly. I needed faith. I needed God. I needed…Munkustrap?

Of course, Munkustrap comes now…I'd love to ask him about what I just read, but he doesn't know that I'm gay!

I felt his presence walking down the hall. And just as I predicted, he came right into my room. I picked up my Bible, and slammed it on the bed. I grunted and started to pull at my hair.

"Tugger?"

My body froze. I just wanted to be alone! No, that's a total lie. I should really be making more human contact than I am. I know he was just doing his daily check-up on me. Next he would go visit his girlfriend, Demeter, and daughter, Jemima. Before me, he visited our father, and leader of the group, Old Deuteronomy. But he's been paying special attention to me these days. I can't say I don't like the attention, but it just feels…weird…that someone hasn't completely given up on me yet.

"Yes?" I shifted my body around and put my feet on the ground. I had to fake a smile…just to get through the moment.

"How are you?" Now his smile was real. It wasn't a big smile, but it was 100 percent real. That made me feel bad…I was being totally artificial to him, when all he did was care for me.

"Alright. How 'bout you?" Of course that was a lie…Damn, I gotta stop lying to him… "Munk…?"

"Yes, Tugger?"

"I just…read something…interesting in here."

"Oh?" He walked over and grabbed the book. "What is it?"

I snatched it away just as quickly…I held it by my chest, close to my heart. "It was just…I thought God loved me…"

"Tug…what the hell did you find in there to make you think God stopped loving you?" He became serious now. I know I probably pissed him off by saying that.

"He never did…" Why am I continuing to provoke this? I should just let it go before he finds out my secret…

"Why would you ever think that…?" His tone didn't get angrier, but it suggested that he was becoming more worried than pissed off. "Tugger…I'm concerned."

I'm the Rum Tum Tugger. I provoke things. It's just what I do, no matter how deeply depressed I may be.

"He told me something once. He told me that He created all men equal…"

"And He did, Tugger. He did. So what's different now?"

"Well that's a lie." Now I was serious too. I was all fired up from what I read in that book.

"I still don't understand…Just explain to me what you mean…"

Now he was getting angry once again. I know he didn't like what he was hearing. This argument continued on for a few more minutes. We kept basically repeating ourselves, getting more mad every time…

"Tugger…!"

"I'm gay!"

Oh my God…Oh my God…Oh my God! My heart stopped right then and there…What the hell did I just do…? I think I'm gunna throw up…

I clasped my hands firmly over my mouth. A spur of realization spread over Munkustrap's face. Now it was clear to him. Now he understood why I don't feel the same about God anymore. He knew damn well that the Bible was strongly against homosexuals. He knew. Now his face drew in an angry mood. Now he was pissed off….or at least he looked like it.

I ran…I ran and ran and ran…I sprinted as far away from my room as possible. Where was I going? …I didn't even know. I decided to run to my father. Seeing as Munkustrap looked like he wanted to kill me, I need to go find Father…