A/N: This particular one-shot came about from a Skype conversation that my fellow authoress and I had one night. She returned from a task saying she had returned and I thought it would be funny to reply in a Christine-like manner and what you all are reading is the end result of that conversation. Just for reference, there is a Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em reference toward the end: if you like, here is the episode it came from (Australia House)-the reference comes from the first five minutes of the episode. So here is the link: http : // www. youtube. com / watch ? v = Jh_ sfc DKF9M Just take out the space obviously.
Also, there is a Georgia Nicolson-ism...some of you may know it...and if you don't, sorry then.
Disclaimer: My fellow authoress would like to disclaim that she has no ownership over Gaston Leroux's The Phantom of the Opera, ALW's "Love Never Dies", but I've got Erik here sitting in my wardrobe. We would also like to disclaim that we own none of the glory of Frank Spencer and Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em, except what we get from our box sets or Youtube videos.
Beneath the Paris Opera House…
Erik: I'm baaaaaaack! (He cackles)
Christine (looks up from her novel with wide eyes): Well, Erik this is a pleasant surprise. I wasn't expecting to see you until later when you were finished stalking up in the catwalks. Speaking of which, you are going to bring me up to the roof soon right? I've been stuck in these cellars for weeks! I'm turning yellow for God's sake!
Erik (scratches his head and looks down to the floor): Well...about that. Actually Christina--I mean, Christine, (curses inaudibly) I will be unable to keep the appointment due to a disaster I must orchestrate at the Paris Opera House. It is an annual event you know, to signify the fact that my love will never die, so I do not think it possible to meet with you. Please, do not cry...it pains me to see you cry.
Christine (she stands up and clenches her fists to her sides, her book falling to the floor): Dammit Erik! You keep abandoning me for this so called "Love Never Dies"!!
Erik: I must apologize my dear, but one must heed the call of one's duty. Being a phantom is no small task, attending to all the lovely ladies who seek my company so ardently is not easy either. (He smirks under the mask) I am bit of a Don Juan you know...
Christine: Yes, you have made that one quite clear Erik! Fine. Go keep your prostitutes in good company with your acts of debauchery. I'll be in the arms of a handsome Count, and I'll never sing again!
Erik (he gracefully advances toward her and is in front of her in three strides. He cups her cheek and speaks in a soft, but dangerous voice): So it is to be war between us...ah Christine, always beauty that draws your eye is it not? Always beauty...and alas, you find it in that insolent fop! That accursed slave of fashion! Go! If you must bestow your love elsewhere, then I have no need of love! What good has it ever done me? Go Christina--damn it all!--Christine, and leave me to my truest love: my music...my music!
Christine (she reaches frantically for Erik's arm as he turns to leave): No, Erik, wait I didn't mean it! You know I cannot bear to live without my Angel of Music! But...but, it's just.... you cannot leave me! I shudder at the splendour of your genius! And for you to waste your talents and time and leave me all aloney on my owney...well, it's almost as blasphemous as Andy Lloyd creating a musical about you and I on Coney Island...oh horror, horror, horror!!!! (She buries her face in her hands)
Erik: Oh Christine...why must you torment your Erik? Ah but of course, I can deny you nothing. Therefore, since Christine has given her love to her Erik, Erik will keep her here with him, and oh how happy they shall be. Erik has his Christine, and his music! Yes...Christine must stay with Erik where she will be safe and loved, for nothing in this world adores her the way her Erik does; for Erik will be her angel of music! Oh my Christine, shall we sing?
Christine: Yes, yes, but Erik I have a request?
Erik: Yes?
Christine: I would like to sing "The Beauty Underneath".... you know how I adore singing, "Yes!!" in ecstasy.
Erik: My dear, Erik is in no mood for ridiculous jests. Surely an aria will suit you..."The Beauty Underneath" is not for your ears...nothing written by that arrogant fool Webber is worthy of your angelic voice.
Christine: As you wish it: my Angel knows what is best for my voice and my wellbeing. Perhaps I shall hum it instead when you are in a black mood...Oh I said that out loud didn't I?
Erik: I think you must go to your room, Christine. It has been a trying fifteen minutes, and I fear you will grow faint if you do not rest.
Christine: Of course. Because I cannot stand, think, and speak without becoming tired. How silly of me to think a woman like I could do something so strenuous!
Erik: Yes, yes child, go and rest. Perhaps we shall progress further tomorrow. Goodnight, my dear. (He locks the door of the bedroom with an audible click)
Christine (she turns at the sound of the click and pounds furiously on the door): Damn you to hell Erik!! Fine! I shall sit on my bed like a dutiful wife, and knit a noose and strangle you in your sleep!!!!
Erik: Nonsense wife, it was necessary for Erik to keep you locked up safely. There are many dangers in these cellars, and Erik must go run some errands, and will not be able to protect you should you come into difficulty.
Christine: How could I run into difficulty if you have locked me in here?!? Hmmm? Perhaps I shall do as I did the night you sent Raoul away! I'll bang my head against the door again, I swear it, unless you let me out!
Erik (in a sing-song voice): Goodnight, Christine. I think you will find doing so more painful than fruitful. No matter, Erik will return to tend to you as he did before. Now I must go. Be my good girl and do not try to escape, Christine. Erik loves you too much to let you go, little bird.
Christine (yelling at the door): You controlling, manipulative bastard! Let me out this instant! I will screech at you and ruin my pianissimo if you don't unlock this blasted door!
Erik (he comes into the room and leans menacingly over her): Christine would never dare damage her beautiful voice, would she? She would never hurt her Erik in such a way? (He strokes her cheek, but eyes are blazing)
Christine (leans into his hand): Unless you let me out, I shall. (She looks up at him with a devilish grin) Perhaps I will become like Carlotta and sing like a toad?
Erik (he begins to chuckle and eyes slowly return to a benign gold): If Christine insists, Erik will unlock the door. Come, I will play for you if you wish. (He unlocks the door and Christine flies into his arms)
Christine: Dear husband, I do love you so! Will you play Mozart's "Elvira Madigan"? You know how much I swoon with delight when you play it. And when you are done, I shall stroke your cheek affectionately, kiss your forehead, and tell you I am yours.
Erik: Yes, yes! Erik will play whatever his Christine desires! (He scoops her up and walks towards the couch, sets her down delicately, and starts to play the organ)
Christine (She leans forward on the couch, and when the song is finished, she goes to Erik and places her hand on his shoulder): Tell me I belong to you, my dear Erik. I need to hear it from your lips.
Erik (he turns slightly on the bench and looks into her eyes with a serious look on his face): You will always belong to me.
Christine (she takes his hands and pulls him to the bedroom): Come. Let us retire for the night. All this petty arguing, followed by your unrivalled hands on the organ have made me weary.
Erik (he comes to kneel beside her seat, places one hand on her knee and looks very hesitant, like a little puppy):Erik...Erik has a small request...Erik would like...Erik would like...
Christine (taking his face in her hands): My dear Erik, you know you can tell me anything you so desire. Tell your lovely wife what you would like.
Erik: Erik would...ah he should be killed for asking such a thing from his Christine...but then she is his living wife...Erik would like a kiss.
Christine: Nonsense! You should never wish such a fate upon yourself. I will not stand for it! And I will of course, oblige my handsome husband for a kiss. (She leans in and presses her lips against his cold, dead ones)
Erik (the tears start)
Christine: Now, now, none of that! You have no business there crying on the floor!
Erik: Erik loves you so! (He pulls her into his arms very hesitantly, as though afraid she will pull away)
Christine: Come Erik, I am tired, and I want to sleep in my husbands arms tonight. Will you grant your wife that much?
Erik (he begins to climb into bed and she lays down): Of course I--what is that noise? I hear a voice...calling "Meg" in an alarmingly nasal voice! Erik shall go investigate! Stay here my love, I will return shortly.
Christine (she sits up quickly and reaches for Erik with one arm): Oh! But Erik! One more thing!
Erik: Yes, Christine?
Christine (in a breathy, exasperated voice): Harry's hoop is hangin' in da hall.
Erik: Don't force it...you must fill your lungs!
Christine: Six thick thistle sticks! Six...thistle...thick…(She looks around cautiously and spits to put the candle out)
A/N: So, putrid piece of garbage or somewhat enjoyable? Flame if you feel it is necessary, but we do enjoy de nice reviews.
