June 17th, 2017
I wonder what most people think about first thing in the morning when they wake up. Like, what will I have for breakfast? Or what time will I go see my friends or boyfriend? Or have I fed the dog? You know, normal day to day things. But I don't think about that when I wake up. I don't think about any of that stuff hardly, to be truthful. A certain darkness always lingers over my thoughts. Any good thought I have, there's a twisted bad one in the shadows behind it. And for some reason, I always pay more attention to the dark ones. I feel like my headspace in general is just on a lower, darker, sunken level. Like a body of water that barely moves, but just sits there, seemingly empty and emotionless. That's how I feel in my head always. The first thing I think about when I wake up is killing myself.
Well, scratch that. The first thing I think anxiously about is how difficult today will be and how difficult everyday will be, because that's what life is like when you live with a mental disorder. Then I think about killing myself. I mean, what's the point if every single day is going to be like today? I don't want to live like that forever. But sometimes I get a glimpse of a beautiful light that helps me hold on just a little longer. Whether it's a nice conversation with my best friend, or a hot summer day by a pool. There's some little good thing that will happen that will have me believing hey, this might be what normal people feel like. Maybe I won't be like this forever, maybe things will get better. Then I'm sucked back to reality when I look at my best friend and see how great she looks in her swim suit, and how pale and lumpy I look in mine. Then I'm pulled further down when I look down at my thighs and wrists and see what I've done to myself. And for the cherry on top my brain suddenly will decide to go over and analyze every failure in life I've ever had - which is a lot. And going through all these emotions and dark thoughts is scary enough as it is, let alone going through it alone with no one to talk to about it. The only thing worse than feeling lonely, is feeling lonely and actually being alone. I am lonely and I am scared. It's days like this when I think my friends and parents won't care if I shoot a bullet through my head, because why the fuck not, right? Sometimes I see absolutely no reason to live, as selfish as that sounds. I'm a terrible person, honestly. My best friend, Riley, though, she's a saint. The most beautiful, silly, bubbly girl I've ever met. She sees the good in everyone, and stands up for what she believes in. She is rainbows and butterflies and I am depression and pain and I don't know how we became best friends. As sweet as the girl is, she is oblivious to the things I've been going through. Not that I blame her, I have done my best to hide it. But sometimes I wish she would find out. Anytime I think I've mustered up the courage to tell her how bad I've been feeling, I think of her brown puppy dog eyes getting wet with tears and her permanent smile turning into a frown and I can't do it. I can't lay my burdens on her like this, it's my mental issues to figure out, right? But on the other hand, I honestly don't know if I can do it alone. I think I might end up trying to kill my self. But anyway, my hands starting to hurt and I'm losing my high so I'm done for tonight. Until next time,
-Maya H.
