NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR: Thought I'd give you all some holiday cheer a little early this year. My family's going thru some very difficult times (roommate lost her job, and just yesterday, her mom passed away, and because of all of the preparations for that, we're cancelling our Thanksgiving celebration. Keep us all in your thoughts and prayers, we really need your support. Anyway, here's a few holiday flavored texts for your reading enjoyment:)
Disclaimers: Not mine (except for Anna). Other OC's appear courtesy of their respective authors.
TFLN Wrestling Style, Holiday Edition
Keyword: CHRISTMAS
To: Matt Hardy
From: Shannon Moore
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
To: Twitter
From: Eva Marie
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
To: Twitter
From: Kelly Kelly
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
To: Rob Van Dam
From: Mr. Anderson
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
To: Anna Hollenbeck
From: Maryse
Subject: Miz
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
To: Maryse
From: Anna Hollenbeck
and then ...
To: Anna Hollenbeck
From: Maryse
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut
To: Twitter
From: Ryan Shamrock
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
To: Twitter
From: AJ Lee
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attached. Also, Merry Christmas.
To: Jeff Hardy
From: Edge
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
To: Connor Lawson
From: Cooper Lawson
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
To: Jeff Hardy
From: Edge
Subject: Threesome with Jericho and Christian
We were supposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
To: JBL
From: Michael Cole
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
To: Twitter
From: Heath Slater
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
To: Farooq
From: Bradshaw
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
To: Steve Austin
From: APA
Subject: Shawn Michaels
Shawn got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
To: Twitter
From: Brian Kendrick
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
To: Luke & Erick
From: Bray Wyatt
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
To: Twitter
From: Anna Hollenbeck
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud:)
To: Heath & Jinder
From: Drew McIntyre
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
To: Twitter
From: Christian
Subject: Trish Stratus
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
To: Chris Jericho
From: Fandango
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
To: Twitter
From: Christian
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
To: Tommy Dreamer
From: Scott Levy (Raven)
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
To: Ryan Shamrock
From: Anna Hollenbeck
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
To: Brie Bella
From: Natalya
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
To: Christian
From: Trish Stratus
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
To: Twitter
From: Steve Austin
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
To: Twitter
From: Rob Van Dam
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
To: Twitter
From: James Lawson
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"...successful drunk Christmas shopping
To: Twitter
From: Rob Van Dam
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
To: Maryse
From: Miz
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
To: Twitter
From: Edge
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
To: Matt Hardy
From: Christian
Subject: Anna Hollenbeck
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
To: Twitter
From: John Morrison
Subject: CM Punk
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
To: Twitter
From: Bray Wyatt
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
To: Lita
From: Anna Hollenbeck
Subject: Anna's Date
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree...not great but still made the cut.
To: Twitter
From: Jeff Hardy
im spending all my christmas money on new years paraphernalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
To: Twitter
From: Stephanie McMahon
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
To: The Hardyz
From: The APA
of course we have a beer bong
To: The Hardyz
From: The APA
how else would we feed our christmas tree
To: Chris Sabin
From: Alex Shelley
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
To: Seath & Roman
From: Dean
This dude is being a total douche
To: Dean
From: Seth & Roman
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps.
To: Dolph Ziggler
From: AJ Lee
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over here and FUCK. ME. NOW.
To: Summer Rae
From: Fandango
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
To: Twitter
From: Mickie James
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
To: Christian
From: Edge
Subject: Jeff Hardy
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
To: CM Punk
From: Daniel Bryan
Subject: Brie Bella
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
To: Antonio Cessaro
From: Jack Swagger
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
To: Matt Hardy
From: Shannon Moore
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
To: Twitter
From: Bradshaw
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
To: Jinder
From: Heath & Drew
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
To: Cooper Lawson
From: James Lawson & Undertaker
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
To: Matt Hardy
From: Edge
Subject: Jeff Hardy
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
To: Twitter
From: Kaitlyn
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
To: Shannon Moore
From: Anna Hollenbeck
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
To: Anna Hollenbeck
From: Shannon Moore
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
To: Stephanie McMahon
From: Lita
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
To: Chris Jericho
From: Christian
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
To: Twitter
From: James Lawson
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
To: Anna Hollenbeck
From: Ryan Shamrock
Subject: Val Venis
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
To: Twitter
From: Connor Lawson
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
To: Jeff Hardy
From: Edge
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
To: Ric Flair
From: AJ Styles
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
To: Twitter
From: Matt Hardy
Subject: Annual Christmas Party
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
To: The Undertaker
From: James Lawson
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me...too ghetto?
To: Justin Gabriel
From: Wade Barrett
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
To: Twitter
From: E & C
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
To: Twitter
From: Chris Jericho
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
To: Anna Hollenbeck
From: Christian
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie
To: Twitter
From: Heath Slater
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
To: Anna Hollenbeck
From: Mindy Stratus
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
To: Zeb Colter
From: Jack Swagger
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
To: Twitter
From: Lita
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
To: Trish Stratus
From: Mickie James
Subject: Last Night's Party
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
To: Trish Stratus
From: Mickie James
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
To: Twitter
From: Randy Orton
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
To: Christian
From: Chris Jericho
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
To: Chris Jericho
From: Christian
I could have done it in 2
To: Twitter
From: Seth Rollins
Subject: Practical joke played on him by Dean & Roman
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
To: Anna Hollenbeck
From: AJ Lee
Subject: CM Punk
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
To: AJ Lee
From: Anna Hollenbeck
Marry him. Now.
To: Twitter
From: Rob Van Dam
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
To: Twitter
From: Michael Cole
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
To: Twitter
From: Evan Bourne (college)
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
To: Twitter
From: Matt Hardy
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
To: Bradshaw
From: Steve Austin
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
To: Farooq
From: Bradshaw
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
To: CM Punk
From: Colt Cabana
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!
To: Trish Stratus
From: Lita
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
To: HHH
From: X-Pac
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
To: X-Pac
From: HHH
It's 2 pm...
To: Rob Van Dam
From: Chris Sabin
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
To: Anna Hollenbeck
From: Seth Rollins
Subject: The Shield's Christmas Party
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
To: John Cena
From: Randy Orton
Subject: Cody Rhodes
He's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
To: Twitter
From: Ryan Shamrock
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
To: Twitter
From: Chris Jericho
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
To: Everyone on their phone lists
From: Matt & Jeff Hardy
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
HAPPY FREAKIN' HOLIDAYS!;)
REVIEWS = LOVE
