Chapter 1: She's not okay
"God, It's Cold, It's cold in here, it's freezing", Jude said as she paced the waiting room floor. "Two, Two, just two, two words, that's all I'm asking. What time did they take her into surgery?" She asked Jamie who sat on an uncomfortable hospital waiting room chair. "Four Hours ago at least" "Two words, that's all I need, Patsy's fine, that's good. There just fixing her, or She's ok." Tears come to Jude's eyes at these words. "They can't fix her" Jamie says. "Shut up. Two words, two...words... "
"Jude?" She heard someone call her name. Whipping around she was sure she had just heard her cousin Kristins voicem sure enough She saw walking towards her.
Once Kristin had caught up with Jude, in her panicked state, She tried to catch her breath, asking. "What's going on Jude? What happened? She asked looking at her. Sadie told me you were here but didn't tell me why".
Jude looked at her, sorrow and guilt showing in her eyes."It's Patsy Kris, She got into a car accident, and she's in surgery right now." she responded tears forming in her eyes again.
Kristin put a hand to her mouth, feeling overwhelmed."How? I mean what caused her to get into a car accident?" Kristin looked at Jude then Jamie searching for an answer.
Jude put her head down, looking at the floor as she spoke. This was her fault, she felt so guilty she couldn't barely comeprehend a normal thought inside her head. She spoke softy, almost inaudible, trying to explain what had happened.
"We had gotten into an argument and she stormed off. S-she was drunk. We let her go. She drove off and I went home and got the call that Patsy was in the hospital." Jude said almost whispering because she was trying to hold back her tears. "She could be still okay if only I had gone after her." Raking a Hand through her hair Jude stepped her foot out, to beging to pace somemore.
"Jude it's not your fault. You can't blame yourself for what happened." Kristin tried to reassure her pulling her into a hug. "Jude it's okay to be scared. I'm here for you though." Jude looked up at Kristin, looking into her face.
"Kristin, yes it is. I was the one who let her go off. I was the one who should've taken her keys from her. So don't tell me it's not my fault." Jude pushed Kristin away some. She was angrier with herself then sad right now.
"Jude why don't you sit down and let me go grab you something to eat or drink. What do you want? "Kristin asked Jude as she stood next to a chair waiting for Jude to sit down.
"I'm not hungry. Something to drink maybe coffee would be great though Kristin." Jude looked at Jamie and took a seat bouncing her leg up and down a bit, nervously. She became more apprehensive by the minute.
"Ok. Jamie do you need anything?" Jamie shook his head no, and Kristin walked over to a coffee maker and made some coffee. She added a tiny bit of sugar and cream and brought it back to Jude.
"Thank you Kris." Jude smiled some as she took the coffee and took a sip. Do you think you could go see if you can find something out about Patsy? Please?" Jude said softly looking at her cousin.
"Yeah, sure. I'll go try and find out something." Kristin walked over finding a doctor. "Umn excuse me I was wondering if you could tell me about Patsy Sewer."
"I can't release that information unless you're a family member. I'm sorry." The doctor looked at Kristin.
"I'm her step-sister." Kristin said looking at the doctor.
"Well she's got some severe head trauma. Also some fractures to her body. As of right now she's still in critical condition." The doctor nodded as she told Kristin about what was going on.
Jude could hear what the doctor said, and her heart jumped through the roof, Feeling cold and numb, all she could think was that she was going to die, the tears start to fall, and she stood up shakily, making her way towards the washroom, before she completely lost it.
Kristin looked towards Jude as the doctor walked away. She saw Jude get up and walking towards the washroom, and walked in there. "Jude?" She said after her in a concerned tone."Yeah?" she said from one of the stalls. She sat leaning over the toilet bowl afraid that her nerves would get the best of her worse than the day of the Instant Star competition...this is worse, letting the tears run freely down her face, she can't help but think it's her fault. She knows she should have run after her.
Kristin stood by the sink. "Come out Jude please?" She said softly looking at all the stalls waiting for Jude to come out.
"I can't, " she said in a quiet tone." Leaning her head down, feeling cold on the inside, and sick at the same time, maybe even numb"
Kristin walked up to the door from where she heard Jude's voice. "Jude, come out please. You can it's just us. I locked the door so no one else would come in. so we could talk about your feelings." She said standing next to the door.
"I can't, I don't think I can," Jude's nerves making her body tremble...
Kristin sat down next to the door. "Jude you can. But I'm not going to force you to. Take your time." She said softly. "You and I both know that you weren't the reason this happened. "How come I don't feel that way," Jude responded "I feel like somehow this is all in with everything. Like I could have prevented this, and the more I think the more sick I feel, and my body feels funny, like something I can't explain. What does that mean"
"You feel like it because you don't have control over what happened." She said looking up at the mirror" it's like a sick joke that you don't want to believe that something so bad can happen to you. Unfortunately it does." Kristin pulled her legs up towards her chest and wrapped her arms around them. "It sucks and it's hard but its things like these that make us stronger. Does that make sense Jude"
"I guess it does, but it's not fair, I can't shake this feeling inside, almost like a cold numbness, like she's gone, or like i don't know," Jude began to cry again involuntarily " Why Patsy though? Why did it have to be her? I don't get it, couldn't it have not happened, I mean, I pray, I believe but this just hurts so much, and I'm so afraid..."
"I know Sweetie. But sometimes the things we thought couldn't happen to us do. It's a test of life to strengthen us. Patsy will always be apart of you. She's in your heart along with all the good memories. I know it hurts Jude but like I said it's a test. Only you can do what you feel is right." She said to her cousin. "life is full of twists and turns...ones that are good and ones that are bad. We can only hope for good ones."
"Do you think she could be okay Kris? Maybe they can save her? Is that getting my hopes up or? I just...Don't want to lose her, it's almost like losing a sister, I don't know, she just got so close to my heart, I just wanted to do what was right for her, to protect her and I failed..."
" You didn't Fail Jude, You did what you could, sometimes people just can't be saved."
"Thanks," She sighed. She couldn't stop the trembling in her body and the sick feeling that kept washing over her intensely, almost like her body knew what could be happening.
"You're welcome Jude. It's going to be okay. I promise you. She said softly
"Kris...?"
"Yeah Jude?"
"Why does my body feel so funny?"
She sighed softly. "I think it's because you're feeling all these different emotions coming over you."
"Maybe, I just feel so, so sick, and..."
Kristin looked at the mirror. "It's okay Jude. I promise you it'll be alright. You're just in shock right now. So take a few deep breaths and come out here...splash a little water on your face". She said softly.
Jude stood up wobbly, and unlatched the door, taking Kristin's advice she walked out of the stall, and over to the sink, She looked at herself in the mirror, then down at her clothes beginning to remember the day she'd spent with Patsy now.
Kristin gets up and walked towards Jude. Standing next to her "Just say that 'it's going to be okay' to yourself. It will be Jude. I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere."
"I. I know your here, and I'm glad for that. It's just so hard to be strong right now. I always thought I was strong, I'm really not, How do I know? How do I know it will be okay? "
"Because in your, heart it will be. It just doesn't seem like it right now. It's going to take sometime to get used to this." She said looking at Jude. "Patsy's going to be alright." Kristin heard a knock on the door, as she looked at Jude.
Jude looked at Kristin then towards the door, not sure who it was, but she had a bad feeling in her chest, almost like a knowing. The tears began, forming, in her eyes already.
Kristin walks towards the door and unlocks the door, opening it to reveal the OR Doctor " I'm sorry but we couldn't save your sister." The doctor said looking at Kristin. "Ok thanks for letting me know. I'm going to notify our family right now." "okay I'm very sorry for your loss" The Doctor responded solomly "Thanks." Kristin shut the door walking over to Jude with her arms already to pull Jude into a hug.
"Kris...I...I…Oh My God, Oh my god, No, no please, no. This isn't happening, it can't be. She's lieing. Tell her She's fine, Kris she's lieing," She began to sob.
Kristin pulls Jude into a hug holding Jude close. "Shhhh just let it out Jude. Just let it out." She said continuing to hold Jude in her arms
"I'm… I can't… I'm, I think. I'm going to be sick,"
Kristin looks at Jude concerned as she ran for the nearest stall and basically threw herself over the toilet bowl.
Kristin followed her and grabbed her hair pulling it back from her and rubbing backt it out. Let it out Jude." She said continuing to rub her back.
She got sick, whilst crying. Feeling like she can't control herself. When she finished, she got up, blindly in search for the sink. Feeling like she couldn't breathe.
Kristin leads Jude to the sink "Here Jude." She said grabbing Jude's hand and puts it on the faucet.
"I can't breathe!" Jude grabbed her chest and bent down at the waist.
Kristin looked at Jude all concerned "ok...hold on...hold on". She said running to the door and yelling for a doctor "someone please help me?" Kristin looked a doctor who came to Kristin. "I need help. She's not able to breath." The doctor grabs Jude's arm and leads her to a room with an oxygen tank and grabs the mask placing it to Jude's face "Here Miss breath into this. try and calm down"
She breathed into the mask, trying to calm her breathing, her fingers feeling numb, and feeling very dizzy. "Wha, what's happening to me?" Jude managed to ask.
The doctor looks at Jude and says "You had a panic attack. You should lay down here for a bit." Kristin looked at Jude as she made her way over and grabbed her hand "Yeah maybe you should lay down. You need to relax so you don't have another panic attack."
She laid back, closing her eyes, trying not to allow any type of picture to form in her mind" Thanks Kris" She whispered. "You have always been there for me, thank you so much"
"You're welcome Jude." Kristin said smiling as she stood next to her bed. Watching Jude sleep. "Just get some rest."
"Stay with me Kristin?" Jude asked softly as she slowly closed her eyes
"Always, Jude." Kristin replied to Jude as she pulled up a chair next to Jude and sat down next to her waiting for Jude to fall asleep.
"Goodnight Kris." Jude said softly as she fell asleep
"Goodnight Jude." Kristin sat there still watching Jude fall asleep. She decided to get some sleep herself and got comfortable on the chair next to Jude and shut her eyes falling asleep.
