Hey you guys! This is my second fanfiction entitled "Why Guy's shouldn't write in Diaries". Don't ask- lol.

Chapter 1:

Pig Guts

January 21st

My room, my bed, 9:30 PM

Hello world.

My name's Oliver Oscar Oken or the triple O as I prefer. Or the Okenator… or Smokin Oken… or... okay, I'll stop there. The list would go on for all eternity.

I seriously cannot believe I'm writing in this thing. Yes, I'm writing in a DIARY. Okay, I don't want to refer to it as a diary exactly. But. You know. Okay, back to the journal thing. Yes, that's good. It's my journal. My journal… that smells like Axe and Miley's perfume. Gags.

Now I don't want to sound like Miley talking about how she writes in her diary daily… anyway. Yeah, Miley has decided that it would be a funny idea to give me this stupid brown worn journal for my sixteenth birthday.

For heaven's sake, I got my driver's license and now I'm forced into writing in this! Anyway. This is ridiculous. I cannot stand journal writing. If I hated writing in them when I was six… wow I sure do hate doing it at age sixteen.

"Oliver, happy birthday!" Miley said as she handed me her present.

I had already opened Lilly's, which was a $50 iTunes card. I tore back the paper on Miley's paper… and found a box.

"A box, Miley?" I asked. "Yes!" She grinned. "Oh, thanks. I sure could use one…" I muttered under my breath.

I opened the box and found a smaller box. "Another box?" I asked. "Yes!" Miley said, laughing.

Lilly was howling with laughter at this point, for no apparent reason. It really wasn't that funny, if you ask me.

Funny is when I saw Miley's face when I gave her a bottle of Axe for her fifteenth birthday. She wasn't at all pleased with that gift….

After about three more boxes, I got to a small to medium package covered with tissue paper. It was completely covered in Scotch tape.

"Ugh… Miley… why do you always wrap stuff like this?" "Careful- that's…" She started, but it was too late. The Scotch tape wasn't in fact the wrapping tape. "MILEY, WHY DID YOU WRAP IT IN DOUBLE SIDED TAPE?"

She joined Lilly at that point and started to double with laughter. Finally, I had managed to get all the tissues paper off… only to find… something covered in hot pink duct tape. "Press it!" Miley said. "Okay…" I mumbled. I pressed it. "Pop, pop, pop!" It went. "Oh… Miley… you didn't cover bubble wrap with duct tape, did you?" "Yes!" Lilly managed to get out.

"Awh… man… this sucks monkey ass." Lilly paused from her hyenaness and asked, "Monkey ass?" She started laughing even harder than before. God, girls sure do laugh easily. Or get mad easily. But I prefer them to laugh like idiotic monkeys than slap you across the cheek like crazy… mountain lions.

Finally, I managed to get off all the duct tape (only to find myself with hot pink duct tape all over my jeans). I peeled off the bubble wrap and then… "AGHHHH! FEATHERS!"

Yes, beneath the bubble wrap was feathers. I got feathers all over myself. "Finally!" I said. I peeled back the tissue paper and…

"What's this?" I asked disgustedly as I pulled out a brown leather notebook. "Do you think I am a poetry writer or something?" I asked Miley. "No! You are a diary keeper!" "I'm… a… what?" "Well, remember how your New Year's Resolution was to use every gift you would ever receive?" "Uh huh…" I said, wondering what she was getting at. "Well, I decided to get you this journal… and you have to write in it every day till next year!!!" "I have to… what?!" "Yep!" She grinned as Lilly continued laughing.

And that's exactly why I have to write in this journal till next year. Yippee. Yay me. Goodbye, Journal.

My Room, my bed, 10:00

Seriously. I need to stop. But I can't sleep. This is ridiculous. I don't understand why I have to write in this thing!!! I mean, sure, I said I'd you any gift that I would get… but I mean, come ON! THIS IS A FREAKING DIARY FOR THE LOVE OF TRIANGLES!!! Yes, for the love of triangles. I think they are a hilarious shape. Seriously. Do I say seriously a lot, Journal? Do I? Do I?!

Wow. I just lost every ounce of manliness that I have. I was actually EXPECTING and answer from a JOURNAL. What in the world, it's like me trying to talk to Lilly when she's rambling about the new 'hottest guy, oh my god!' or whatever. Pst. Girls make me wonder sometimes.

I do NOT want to go to school tomorrow, Journal. Just because I spilled pig guts all over Mrs. Welker give me the chance to be nicknamed 'Guts'. And by the way, pig guts don't smell at all pleasant. Yuck. I swear though, I felt awful about it. Welker smelled strongly of pig for the next three days. Woopee. Pig guts totally rock! Yay pig guts!

Hmmh. Anyway. I don't feel like talking about pig guts cause it's making me nauseous. (. Uh oh. Lilly's calling.

My room, my bed, 10:15

That was… odd.

Lilly just called and was yelling about how she can't believe we have school tomorrow. I don't understand why. I guess she forgot today was Sunday or something. She was yelling about how she forgot to do her 500 page essay on why talking is a disturbance.

She got in trouble during World History and so she got the choice of writing the essay or cleaning the bathrooms. Eh. I would rather shove the toilet scrubber thingy up the teachers… er, never mind.

I have decided not to write anything vulgar, in you, Journal. I don't want any ahem certain ahem females to read it and get disturbed or worse, angry about my use of language. Honestly, I don't know why girls give a shit. Sorry, Journal. I didn't mean that. I'm sorry. Truly, Journal. Forgive me? Pretty pleaseee? Ok, good. I'm glad you don't feel any… um… feelings for me. Because you're a Journal, Journal. No offense. You don't have feelings. AND I DIDN'T MEAN IT LIKE THAT!

Wow, someone sue me. Seriously, before I fall in love with this piece of crap. Sorry, Journal. Again. Seriously, is there anyone out there that owns some dynamite? Cause I'd like to set off and explosive in you so then nobody can read this stuff I write in it. Because it's embarrassing. Beyond anything I've ever done in my teenage years. Except maybe that one time… eh, I'm not finishing. It's vulgar, and we have agreed no vulgarness in you. Right? Thought so.

God, Journal, I DO say seriously or serious or any other form a serious… wait is there only two? Or three… serious, seriously, seriousness… I think that's all. But who knows. I'm not a serious expert! HAHAHA! Wow, lame joke.

Anybutt. Who says anybutt, anyway? Oh, I know. Me. Ha. But yeah. I think I'm gonna go bury you in the back yard. It'll be like your funeral, Journal. I'm sure you'll rest in peace. And who knows? Maybe in thirty years some kid with ADHD will find it and take pleasure in reading you. Although that would be incredibly suckish because I have written some things that little two months old don't need to know. If two months old could read, or even talk at that, that is.

Wow. Who knew Smokin Oken could be so… Chokin Oken? Eck. I did (.

Oh yeah. I forgot an aspect of that call from Lilly. She was talking about Miley a lot and she asked if I felt anything for her. It's like… she's my sister. Yes, I have feelings for her! And then Lilly gets all aggravated and screams like a… a… mountain lion. In heat. Ew. Ummm… yeah. Girls are SO confusing.

Oh god, speaking of girls… there's this totally hot brunette chick in my Geometry class (and wow I sounded like Miley right there. But it wouldn't be chick, it would be guy)… I swear, I needed a bucket of (ice, ice cold) water to the head. Haha, I needed ice, ice, baby. What's up with me and lame jokes? Wow. Great. Now I have Ice, Ice, Baby stuck in my head. I'm unfortunate.

Hang on. I'm gonna grab my iPod so I can listen to REAL music. Not that song's fake. But… it kinda sucks.

My bedroom, my desk chair, 10:45 PM

Well THAT was embarrassing. Okay, so since I was in bed earlier, I was in my sleepwear (boxers). I didn't know mom would be back from work… but she was. So anyway, back to the story.

I walked through the hallway blindly because all the lights were off and entered my kitchen to get my iPod and a mid 10:00 snack. When I walked into the kitchen, I found my kid brother, Michael and my weird mom standing in there making peanut butter sandwiches. "MOM!" Michael exclaimed, "Ollie's in his boxers!"

Without looking up, mom said "Oliver, get some clothes on!" "What?! I just got out of bed to get my iPod!" "You're Nanoooooo?" Annoying little brother asked. "Yes, my Nanoooooo. His name is Freddy by the way." "Isn't your bear's name Freddy?" "YES!" I said.

Oh yeah, Journal, don't tell anyone I have a teddy bear named Freddy. It would be social suicide if anyone at school happened to find out. And I don't want to find out what they would say. Anyway, back to the story... again.

"Stop yelling!" Mom yelled. "SORRY!" I yelled back. Then all of the sudden…

"Hey Oliver, I need to borrow you're…" "MILEY!!!" Michael said, "I LOVE YOU!!!"

Yeah, did I mention that Michael has this massive crush on Miley? "Ummm, thank you?" Miley asked questioningly. She laughed a bit and weird annoying little brother stared at her as if she were… um… a huge swan… attacking my mom's hair. I don't know how to say it! He was starved raging teenager. I can't imagine what he will be like when HE'S sixteen. Yikes.

"Hey Oliver… I need to talk to you. I have a huge question." "Okay... we can go to my room, but it's really messy." "I TOLD YOU TO CLEAN FIVE WEEKS AGO!" "And I DID," I answered mom, "Come on let's go before she tries to stab me to death with her butter knife." Miley laughed and we quickly exited the room.

"Sorry about my outfit but I rushed over." Miley said as we entered my bedroom. "Oh… it's okay," I said. I glanced up and down to take in what she was wearing… and she looked kinda… um… never mind. "Look what I'M wearing!" I said. Miley giggled. "Yeah…" She said, "I've seen you in your boxers before though!" "I know, I know." Suddenly, I became very self conscious of myself and slipped on a robe.

"Anyway," Miley began, "I need to talk to you about something." "Okay, shoot." I said, still feeling nervous and shaky. "Well, I have this friend and she has like, a massive crush on someone." "Really? Who?" I asked her. She shot me a look and said, "I can't tell you. I promised her I wouldn't tell ANYBODY!" Miley said. "It's one of my best friends…" She continued. "OH MY GOD LILLY LIKES ME." I said, literally spazzing out. "NO, NO, NO! It's not Lilly, so chill your butt!" She said. "Okay, sorry. I just got kind of freaked out for a second there." "Obviously," Miley muttered under her breath, "So," She said aloud, "What should she do?" "Why don't you ask Lilly?" "Becauseee she said she's doing laundry." "At… 10:20?" "Yes. Apparently." "Wow." I said. "But seriously, what should she do?" "She should tell the guy. Wait. It IS a guy, isn't it?!" "YES IT'S A GUY, you donut!" She said to me, whacking me over the head with my pillow." "OW!" I said incredibly loudly. "Sorry." Miley said. "But yeah. She should tell him." "How?" She asked. God, girls ask a LOT of questions. Oo. "Just go up to the guy and say "I like you." And then that'll be that." "Um, Oliver. Girl's just can't go up to a guy and say "I like you!" Especially if it's their best friend…" "Wait, hold up for a second. Do you like me?" "Yes of course! You're like, my brother!" She said.

For some reason, my heart seemed to drop.

"Okay." "But Oliver!" She said, resting her hand on my knee. For some INCREDIBLY absurd reason, this made my heart quicken its pace and my face burned. I'm sure it was as red as the shirt Miley was wearing.

"What?" She wanted to know. "What?" I asked back. "Never mind… I thought you were gonna say something." Yes, I was. And that was to please take her hand off my knee so I didn't feel like this. Seriously, it was SO weird. My heart started like beating five times faster and all of the sudden I was worried my knee felt out of shape.

Yeah, Journal, don't ask. I have no idea why. "Well," I said to her, "I'm kind of tired." "You? At 10:30?!" "Yeah. I've had a long day." "Me too…" Miley yawned, "I had a Hannah thing." My nose furrowed or whatever the expression is and I said, "Why don't I ever get invited to Hannah things?" "You never asked." "I. You. But. Fine." I said. Miley laughed a bit and then she spotted you, Journal. "Hey, have you been writing in this?" She asked me, picking you up. "Yes. No. Maybe!" "Can I look?" She questioned me. "Sure…" I said.

She opened your cover and noticed the purple pen that I was using. "Purple pen?" She scoffed. "Yeah, what's wrong with purple?" "Nothing… I just thought you're more "macho" than that." "Eh." I said, shooting her a look. "Who's this brunette in your Geometry class?" Miley asked me.

Oh my god, Journal. I figured out that the totally hot brunette wasn't just any totally hot brunette. Miley. The totally hot brunette is Miley. Um… can you say weird? Anyway.

"Erm…" I said. "Me?" She said, flashing a smile. "Um…" "I'm just kidding Oken." She said, getting up. "Where are you going?" I wanted to know. "Home. I have to pick out an outfit for school tomorrow." "Why?" "Because I want to impress someone." "Who?" "Oliver, are you a person working for a magazine?" "No…" I said. "Then why do you keep asking questions?"

Burn. And it was hot, too. Wait. That sounded wrong. Whitening that out… now. Wow, white out really DOES work miracles. But I'm feeling a bit light headed and tingly now. Kind of like how I feel when I look at Miley's hotspots. The two that are on the upper half of her body, I mean. Oh my god. Whiting that out… now! Well, I think I'm getting tired. No, actually, I am.

Good night, Journal. Have pleasant dreams. I know that I'll have great ones. Hurrah! Wow. That could sound… wow. Okay, where's my white out? Eh. Oh well. I'll do it in the morning. Nighty night, Journal.

Oh my gosh, I'm so proud! I seriously didn't think I'd get this chapter up until Friday but I got some time on the computer so I got to put it up! I'm super busy this week, jsut to let you all know so I probably won't be updating until Saturday. I don't know for sure though. Anybutt (haha) I hope you guy's enjoyed the first installment of my newest fanfiction, Why Guy's shouldn't write in Diaries. Yay! Reviews would be kindly appericated!