And I asked myself about the present: how wide it was, how deep it was, how much was mine to keep.
— Slaughterhouse-Five, Kurt Vonnegut
"Stand down," Steve ordered, glaring at the guns aimed at his best friend. He shot Fury a glare, who nodded, ordering his agents to stand down.
He turned and beamed happily at Bucky, who, with a roll of his eyes, smiled back.
Steve's life had only gotten better since Bucky came back into it. He could see the purpose to the time between missions, he could smile at the little things again, and the once ever present feeling of guilt was now gone.
It disappeared with every lingering caress of Bucky's fingers against his skin, every smile directed towards him.
Something was still wrong though.
It wasn't the time, no- Bucky loved the 21st century (well... certain parts of it.) It wasn't the Avengers- they all got along well- Clint and Bucky went shooting together every week and Tony had designed a new, better arm for Bucky.
Steve couldn't put his finger on what it was, but he knew that something was still not completely right.
24 days had passed since Bucky's return when Steve figured out what was wrong.
It was the looks Natasha sent Bucky- and the looks he sent her.
He told himself that he should be happy for them. After all, they were perfect for each other; they fought together like a well-oiled machine, they had survived a hellish imprisonment in the Red Room together- hell, Natasha was the perfect height for Bucky to wrap her in his arms and-
(No, no, he wasn't going to go there.)
Other than waiting for Bucky and Nat to finally admit they were together, everything was perfect.
Ok, no, everything was crap.
The wait for the news was even worse than when he had thought Bucky was dead. It eat at his heart and soured the happiness that had been ever-present since Bucky's return.
With a sigh, Steve let his shoulders slump as he sat in the Avenger's conference room, watching the two of them talk to each other in Russian.
Yeah, everything was crap.
52 days since Bucky's return:
He hesitantly asked Bucky, "Would you like to watch the game tonight?"
Bucky tilted his head slightly as he considered the offer before nodding. "Sure."
Steve's face barely had time to light up when Bucky grabbed his cell phone and said, "I'll call Tasha and tell her to come over."
He completely missed the heartbroken look the filled Steve's face and the pain in his voice as he halfheartedly said, "Sounds like a plan."
Natasha and Clint came over about 15 minutes later and the four of them watched the Dodgers game together.
70 years apart was a long time. Throw in being frozen and brainwashing and thinking your lover- or best friend or whatever the hell they were now- was dead and it was easy to see where things could get lost in translation.
Steve wasn't sure where he and Bucky stood. Were they still dating or were they only friends now? Bucky hadn't touched him in so long, hadn't even attempted to hold hands or offered to go dancing, like they had always promised each other they would.
A part of Steve wished Bucky would just break up with him or at least tell him that he was with Natasha now. The wait was killing him
A life where you were waiting for your best friend to break up with you and finally admit he was in love with someone else is a hard one.
A life where you have to work side by side with both the man you love and his potential lover/your very close friend was even worse.
Especially when half the time the you're all in a life-or-death situation.
So, you could say that Steve's life got about ten times harder when Bucky joined the Avengers.
68 days since Bucky's return:
Steve nodded absently as Sharon talked about her last mission, hands moving to describe the fight she had been in.
He startled at the feeling of her hand on his shoulder and refocused on her as she asked, "Steve?"
"Yeah?"
"Are you ok?" She looked up at him with worry in her eyes. "You're being awfully quiet."
He sighed. "I guess I'm just tired." He stood up. "I think I'm gonna go home and hit the rack."
She smiled and patted his cheek. "Sleep well. I'll talk to you tomorrow, ok?"
"Ok." On impulse, (or maybe a growing need for human contact) Steve leaned down and hugged her. Once she got over her surprise, Sharon hugged him back, murmuring, "I know you said you're only tired, but I know there's something going on, Steve." She pulled back and stared at him. "You look horrible."
He snorted, a smile pulling at his lips. "Gee, thanks Sharon."
She laughed and shook her head. "You know what I mean. Go home, Steve. Get some rest."
Neither noticed Bucky step into the room or how he froze at the sight of them and quickly backed out again.
81 days since Bucky's return:
The Avengers' had started a monthly movie night tradition when they had all moved into the tower. It had started as a way to get to know each other and had morphed into much looked forward event. The date changed depending on the crisis/bad guy of the month, but they had, so far, been able to do it at least once a month.
This movie night was missing Thor, who was in Asgard, and Clint, who was on a top secret mission to Turkey. The two had told the remaining Avengers to go ahead with their plans and had promised to hold an extra movie night later to make up the one they were missing.
At the moment, Tony was curled up with Pepper at one end of the giant couch that took up the majority of the room. They were talking quietly about Stark Industries' newest products and smiling at each other happily. Next to them in the love seat was Bruce and Darcy, who casted each other loving looks every now and then. On the other end of the couch from Tony and Pepper was Bucky and Natasha, the two of them murmuring to each other in Russian. Steve sat next to them in the Lay-Z-Boy Tony refused to admit he had bought for him (though he totally did).
Steve was trying to focus on the movie (it had been Tony's turn to pick out the movie and he had chosen 'The Hangover', which Steve found rather tasteless, though at times it was funny) and ignore the fact that Natasha was practically in Bucky's lap.
Halfway through the movie, Nat stood and excused herself to the bathroom. Bucky stretched slightly and caught his eye. He offered him a smile and Steve attempted to smile back, though it came out as more of a grimace.
Bucky frowned and opened his mouth, a question poised on the tip of his tongue. He hesitated, for a beat then closed his mouth, turning away to refocus on Natasha as she resettled herself at his side.
Steve slunk down in his chair and tried to ignore the sudden pain blossoming in his chest.
93 days since Bucky's return:
Sitting despondently on the plain white Shield hospital bed, Steve allowed his lips to twist into a frown. He fingered the bandage covering his shoulder and winced as he accidentally bumped a particularly nasty bruise.
It was a small price to pay though. If he hadn't taken the hit, Bucky would have-
(Nope, he wasn't going to go there.)
"You're an idiot." He looked up to see Bucky leaning in the doorway with an unreadable look on his face.
Steve let out a weak laugh. "I was saving your life, jerk."
With a roll of his eyes, Bucky sauntered over to his side, gracefully settling himself on the bed. "I would have been fine." He ducked his head slightly, trying to catch Steve's eye. When he refused to cooperate, Bucky frowned.
"What's up with you lately?"
Steve looked up. "What do you mean?"
Bucky gestured his hand. "You've been acting weird. What's wrong?"
He shook his head. "Nothing, Bucky. I'm fine."
"You've always been a crap liar, Steve. C'mon," Bucky gently bumped shoulders with him. "What's up?"
Steve shook his head and looked away, refusing to answer.
After a minute of no response, Bucky sighed and stood up, moving towards the door.
He hesitated for moment, staring at his best friend, searching for something. When there was no forthcoming response, Bucky looked down, nodded to himself, and left.
Steve let out a shaky breath and turned to lie down, silently repeating his new found mantra in his head.
I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine.
115 days since Bucky's return:
"We need to talk."
They were the words Steve had been dreading and hoping to hear. He looked up at Bucky and asked carefully, "What do we need to talk about?"
"Why have you been avoiding me?" he asked, moving further into the room.
Taken back, Steve shook his head, "I haven't been avoiding you."
"We share a floor and I haven't seen you once in the last ten days," Bucky pointed out, crossing his arms.
"It hasn't been that long!" he protested, knowing that it had only been 9 days, 22 hours, and about 32 minutes- not that he had been counting or anything like that.
Bucky glared at him and demanded, "Why have you been avoiding me?"
"I haven't been avoiding you!" Steve defended, glaring back at him.
"Yes, you have!"
"No, I haven't!"
"Yes, you have!"
"No, I haven't!"
"Yes, Steve, you've been avoiding me and I want to know why!"
"Because you're in love with Natasha!"
They both froze at Steve's words, shock and disbelief on Bucky's face and embarrassment and hurt on Steve's.
Before Bucky could respond, Steve blurted out, "I- you and Nat are great together and I'm happy for you guys, really! I mean, she's beautiful and smart and you're so lucky that she fell for you, but I just wish you guys would hurry up and tell me because waiting is killing me, Bucky. I- I know things between us have been weird and I don't even know where we stand, but please just tell me that you guys are together so I can be miserable in peace and I swear I am happy for you guys, I just-"
Cutting Steve off, Bucky pressed him firmly against the wall and kissed him, desperation clear in his movements. Steve kissed him back for a moment, before coming back to himself.
He pushed Bucky away and demanded, "What the hell are you doing? You're with Natasha!"
Bucky let out a breathless laugh. "With Natasha? What the hell are you talking about?"
"You're always with her and you guys are so close-"
"And that means we're together? Steve, I'm not in love with Natasha."
Steve felt a jolt run through him. "You're... not?"
"Steve," Bucky pulled him close and locked eyes with him. "I do love her and yes, once upon a time we were lovers, but even then- even then, it felt like I was betraying someone by being with her. I'm not in love with her, Stevie."
"But," Steve faltered. "You've been practically attached at the hip and-"
"I won't lie, I'd have put a bullet in my brain to quiet the ghosts... if not for Natasha. We've been through so much together, her and I, but I'm not in love with her and she's not in love with me, not anymore. She's in love with Clint."
Steve blinked in surprise. "Natasha and Clint?"
He nodded. "They've been together for a while now."
"I-I didn't know."
Bucky's lips twisted into a wry grin. "I kind of figured."
"I'm sorry, Bucky. I never should have assumed-"
"Steve," Bucky cut him off. "I'm not upset or anything. It's just... how long have you thought that Tasha and I...?"
Steve's shoulders slumped. "Since... you got back?"
"Since I...? Jesus Steve," Bucky yanked him into a hug. "I'm so sorry. I never thought-"
"I shouldn't've assumed that you and Nat..." Steve buried his face in Bucky's neck and hugged him back tightly.
He shook his head and ran metal fingers through the blond hair tickling his chin. "This whole thing is one big misunderstanding. I'm not angry at you for assuming anything." He pulled back to catch Steve's eyes. "Got it?"
He nodded, a faint blush on his cheeks.
"And for the record," Bucky rubbed the back of his neck. "I thought you and Sharon were..."
"Me and... Sharon?" Steve looked surprised. "How did you come up with that?"
Bucky sighed. "I saw you two hugging and I-" he shook his head and let out a light laugh. "I thought that things had changed between us. I mean, 70 years is a long time."
"I was asleep for most of it, Bucky. And... I've been in love with you since we were kids. Why would you think...?"
"Yeah, well why would you?"
Silence overtook the room for a moment before Steve chuckled.
"We've both been idiots, haven't we?" he asked in exasperation.
"Yeah, we have." Bucky sighed. "Listen, I'm gonna make this clear now, ok? I love you, Steve. It's always been you and it's always gonna be you." He stepped closer. "I love you."
"I love you too, Bucky," Steve murmured, wrapping him in a hug.
After a minute, Bucky pulled back and cleared his throat.
"Well, I don't know about you, but I remember promising a certain someone that we would go dancing."
"Should I make myself scarce then?" Steve asked, a teasing tone in his voice.
Bucky rolled his eyes. "Go grab your dancing shoes, Rogers. We're going on a date."
117 days since Bucky's return:
"So, James tells me that you thought we were still lovers."
"Yeah." Steve rubbed the back of his neck with a sheepish grin. "I'm sorry."
Natasha shook her head, a fond smile on her lips as she patted his cheek. "I take no offense to it, Steve, but next time something like this happens, just talk to one of us, ok?"
"That's not what I was apologizing for, Nat," Steve looked down.
"Then what...?"
"I'm sorry for all that bad names I called you in my head when I thought you two were together," he told her earnestly, eyes conveying how horrible he felt.
Natasha's laughter could be heard across the Helicarrier as Steve looked at her with a kicked puppy expression.
Bucky found them two hours later, Steve in a headlock and Natasha still laughing.
So, this is the sequel to "Love of Mine (I Cannot Follow You)" and the fourth installment of this series, which I have named: "Of Vibranium Shields, Lost Loves, and Building Futures Together". I have a sequel to this story in works now and I am planning on writing a few more, including a prequel to "What Could Have Been (And What Could Not Ever Be)", a prequel to "Love of Mine (I Cannot Follow You)" about Clint/Bobbi, and a sequel to that one about Clint/Natasha. I'm also playing with the idea of adding a Pepper/Tony story too, but we'll have to see. I hope you enjoyed this story and would love it if you would review!
