Hello Everyone,

I am not new to fanfiction, for I had a former account before this one. Because I am a college student with horrible english, this is my way to practice writing when I do not have to do it on a technical term, so positive criticism is needed, love, and much appreciated. Also, if you believe I need a beta, if someone can recommend me to one, that would be great.

Sanity now presents... Love is Blind!


I choose not to remember.

Like many countries, my past is bloody and violent. There are a hand count that were better, and a sea that were worst. There are some that made it through the struggle, and some were not strong enough and die at the very beginning.

Does that make me a survivor? Or a cheat because of my entrustment in General Winter?

I tend to wonder about that a lot. But when I do, visions of my childhood, of my past- my history seen through my eyes; I get rid of them before they get too imbedded in my head, too permanent for me to handle. Throughout all of my years as a nation, I have had many names, as of others. Some were lucky enough to keep theirs for their entire history. I was not as lucky, for my name changed throughout the courses of time. However, I had one that stayed with me since I was very young.

Vanya

Even before the idea of Christianity, Vanya was the name my sisters gave to me. They were the only ones to call me that. Katyasha and Natasha; those were their names. Everyone called them that.

They knew most of my childhood, or at least they claim their do. When I was taken away from them, they were as well- to a better place, or at least I believe so. When Katyasha visited me, she was a bit peeved, but was always happy. I know back in those days, she smiles a lot. However, my memory of that is limited. Usually, before or after I see her, my memories would replay all of the cold events the Golden Horde would do to me.

I was his servant, his slave, and he was my master, my shepherd. I would never say that out loud, but back then, in the middle ages, if I wanted it or not, that was the truth. I did not know how to create a resistance, though, I felt my children creating one in the pit of my heart. My children kept me alive for the most part. But as revolutions and resistance began to fall, and the scent of their blood hit my nose, I was beginning to lose hope and fate. There were nights in which I believed that I was going to die, many nights. I tend not to think about it now.

But when I do I think about it, everything is… fuzzy would be the best way to describe it. According to the books, Lithuania was my enemy for a while before he allied himself with Poland to become the Commonwealth. I do not remember Lithuania, per say in those days. I remember someone looking like him when my sisters were taken away. He took care of him. For a second, I thought it was Lithuania when I see him in my dreams; when they want to dream of dreams before they become nightmares. But he had green eyes, and Lithuania had blue. Both had a soft face, or at least I think he did; by the time I saw Lithuania, the man had a more youthful appearance. My memory is always crooked whenever I want to remember the goods. It takes a lot out of me.

I do not remember his name, nation or human. There were many nations and empires back in the medieval times before they died. Perhaps he was a city of Lithuania- that would explain why he looks so much liked him. Or a nation he'd conquers that died out eventually. I do not remember correctly.

He always talked to the Golden Horde. They were friends for a while. A part of my land was his, and that was the beginning of the goods, I believe. Once in a while, the Golden Horde would let me stay with the man for a little while. He asked what was my nation one day. I had no way to answer him; I was under the Tartar's rule. I was no nation.

Then he asked for my human name. I told him it was Vanya.

"Vanya…"

My name felt smooth against his voice. It was never liked how my sisters said it. It felt powerful; warm almost. I like anything warm, so he was no exception.

I do not remember what happened between us. I remember that whatever he did, I felt loved and warm. I tend not to think about it much. In the end, I would always be reminding of that damn Golden Horde I had to go back to.


The first time I have heard my Christian name was when Prussia went to talk to Golden Horde. I never liked that German man. Out of everyone, I remember him the most because I hated him so much. He was a Christian man, I believe. That fate was being brought out to the world. Back then, Prussia was known as the Teutonic Knights. He and the Grand Duchy of Lithuania were main rivals, according the to history books.

Golden Horde told him my name. He laughed and called me 'Ivan'. I did not like the way he ruined my sisters' name for me, but I did not complained. I became use to it. Ivan sounded powerful, and that was my goal at some point.

The man with the green eyes only calls me that whenever he talks to Prussia. Other than that, he would still call me Vanya, or whatever I was at the time. I do not remember my name at that time as a nation, but Vanya was good enough.

I valued him. He was strong against the knights Prussia owned. He was able to protect his people, and they were proud of him. He was able to calm my sisters down when they were becoming a little too rough. Ukraine was not as soft as she is now, and Belarus was a bit more ruthless. I always wondered what had happened to them; when had Ukraine become so weak and Belarus become so crazy.

When did I become so strong and unstable to make everyone afraid of me?

But he… even if he could see me now, he will never be afraid of me.

I do not know where the emotions began to arise, but soon, I fell in love with the man. Or at least, that is what Ukraine said I was experiencing. She did not seem to like that thought, but she did not disapprove of my feeling either. Belarus did, and gave the green-eyed man more trouble than he needed.

There were days after he lost a battle or so, and his people were feeling down, he would not show his eyes to me. Did he think I would find him worthless? Shamed? Never! But I never got a chance to tell him that. I was too scared that he would disapprove of such weakness.

It was days like those in which I would see a quick glance at Lithuania. It was only a quick glance, as his people were crowded around him and his rulers. Our eyes only caught once and he quickly looked away, almost scared that I saw him. I did not know why, as he was more powerful than me, but I did not ask because of that reason.


A man from a rising country name Poland visited my sister when I was with her one day. Just one look from him, and we can tell that he was neither city, county, country, nor empire. He was a messenger. He spoke in a language so similar to ours that we were baffled, but still different enough that we had to decode it. He wanted my sister to talk to Lithuania, and she declined.

"If you really wanted to talk to Lithuania, then you shall see him yourself." She spat. That was the angriest I have ever seen her. For a small while, I feared her. I did not like that feeling. But the man continued to return, and my sister said the same message, until one day, he did not return.


I am not sure if this is a nightmare or not, but I remember my sisters waking me up one night in a panic. While I am usually happy to see her, that day, I was very afraid. It was those days in which I tried to see the green eyed man on my own, a few days before the arrangement. Golden Horde did not like that, and he beat me for it. I was completely sore, but I refuse to let a tear slip for him. I use to cry a lot, but whenever he was around, I refused to do so.

My body was still sore from the beating and I was sure I could not move my leg properly. Ukraine ended up carrying me that night. My sisters were talking to each other. I do not remember what, but I hear the word 'de-flowered'. Fear settled in after that. The Golden Horde was known for ravishing the land after a conquer. It is around here that remember that I am in a nightmare.

That was the first time I met China, too. He had shorter hair at that time. If I have not heard that tick of his, saying 'aru', then I would have never have guess that I would meet him when I was expanding my empire. China was very serious back then, always quiet and thinking. I only saw him once, and never again as he instructed my sisters to run with me in a certain path. As we ran deeper in the forest, I looked behind me, seeing Golden Horde running up to China, who stood there, waiting for him. He gave a powerful slap across his face, forcing China to the ground. He stood over top of him, taking his armor off before Ukraine covered Belarus and my eyes. That was the last I saw of him, but his fading pleads to stop echoed in my head for centuries to come.

Ukraine took Belarus and myself to the green eyed man, and I never felt happier to see him. He had talked to her for a while, and she cried before she left. I never knew why she did not stay with us. I never knew why the green-eyed man did nothing to stop her from crying and keeping her here. It took me forever to get Belarus to sleep, as she would not let go, afraid that I was going to leave her like Ukraine did. From that day on, Belarus never wanted to leave me again unless needed.

The green-eyed man did not stop my sister's tears, but he had try to stop mines. He held me tightly in his arms and allowed me to cry silently after a failed attempt I do not remember. I do not know exactly what I was crying about- my sisters? China? My innocent? I do not remember. All I know is that I let everything out.

After that day, I only cried once more.


The Green-eyed man was talking to the messenger from Poland once again. He seems worried, as his armies were starting to fail him. I would help, but my people were still too weak to battle. Most of them were still under the Golden Horde.

I was afraid to go back there. The Golden Horde would take my innocent away. Ukraine taught me everything before, and by the way she described it, it was something to keep hold of. However, I felt that if I did, then it would be taken away before I could even fight for it. The only one that I could trust with it was the Green-eyed man.

He seemed shocked when I came to him about it. I do not remember how most of the conversation went, but I do remember it ended up with me underneath him, moaning in delight and pleasure. Happiness, maybe? It has been so long, I do not remember pure bliss such as that night properly. I was extremely warm, his body on me with my limbs around him. For the first time, I openly wanted and needed someone, and it was him. That night, he called my name over and over again, and I called his. I do not remember what it was, but I know that if felt great on my tongue and lips.

When the Golden Horde did finally have his turn with me, I felt violated, but not afraid and regretful. I gave my innocence away to someone I trusted and love, and that was enough for me.

I do not know what had happen, but I was more life-like after that day. I became bolder to try to see him and defying Golden Horde. I smiled a bit more, as did he. For a while, I believed that he loved me, too. We started to kiss and laugh like the people in the streets who walk around with their hands linked together. I use to be so envious of them, but now, I can join them in the blissfulness that I had never truly understood before. A week of torture with the Golden Horde was worth a weekend with the Green-eyed man.

One day as the Green-eyed man was healing my wounds from a rampage I had with the Golden Horde, mostly on the head if I remember correctly, I made him promise me something. Marriage. I heard that countries could create a union through marriage. Most of them are political, but some are through love. I loved him, he loved me. I asked him if he could ask Lithuania if it was okay for the both of us. He was shocked by this, but agreed to it.

When I became free, we were going to get married.

The sudden excitement helped boost my people up. They began to fight and resist more. I do not know what had happen, but according to the books, China ended up defeating him. I was free, but was not satisfy.

If he was a country underneath Lithuania, I was going to become a stronger country and he would be under my rule and care, like I was with him.

If he was a county or a city, he would soon become mine after I agree to an expansion of territory agreement between Lithuania and I.

I became stronger. I became wiser. But, my head and stomach started becoming fussy. I was love sick, and I could not wait until the marriage.

But it never came.


When I became the Duchy of Moscow, the green-eyed man came to me. It was then I noticed some differences. One, I was at his height, and not at his shoulders. He noticed that I looked eighteen like him, instead of fifteen. I became more muscular, but that is only because I had to find a way to work of the sin of gluttony that made its way into my mentality.

The sight of him was not one of joy. Despite Lithuania agreeing to the marriage, his Grand Duchy decided against it, and went with the proposal Poland sent.

I was angry, upset, and more. He tried to talk to me, but I just ordered him out before I could cry for the final time in my life. My guards escorted him and I went to my room. That entire night I cried. Thinking back on it, I was quite childish. But back then, I felt betrayed and used for land and my innocence. I trusted and love him, and those feeling were lies in return.

I decided to go for a walk after a while, still crying my heart out. I do not know how far I went, but I felt terrible. The warmth in my heart was painful. For the first time in my life, I long for the warmth to leave me. I do not know what came over me, but I tore it out of my body, annoyed at how such a tiny thing can make me so weak; how one simple man could make me so… vulnerable.

I met General Winter that night. He saw me crying and laughed, pointing at my heart. He said that he had watched me for a while; saw how weak I became and how strong I arose. He said that he could prevent me from becoming weak again.

Then I wondered… if I was stronger back then, could I have had the green-eyed man? Would he have become my bride, my life? If I become stronger, I will still have that chance?

He made a deal with me. He would be with me for all of eternity until I have what I desired most. He would give me strength and power beyond my imagination, but I must become his biggest ally.

Giving him my heart, I made a deal with the devil, and I felt cold for the rest of my life.


The Commonwealth was formed, but I worried about that later. I became obsessed with expanding and conquering. At the time, I became a large empire. I completed the first goal on my list.

The first time I saw Poland was he and he alone. I hated him from the beginning. Prussia told me that he could never die, and returns stronger than before. A phoenix, I believe. My first fight with him turned out to be a failure. He smiled as me with green eyes, but it was nothing like my green-eyed man that he took away from me. It was harsh and cold as he gazed at me, almost… jealousy?

"Violet eyes." I remember him faintly saying. "Belarus has that same color. And Ukraine has that same anger, or at least use to." He laughed, pointing his sword towards a defeated me. "What is supposed to be mine keeps dreaming of you. He falsely fell for your younger sister to try and escape the reality that you will never be his and that he will never be yours. Eyes that use to shine like mines now are covered in sapphire of sadness."

I knew he was talking about the green-eyed man, but as I spoke, I realized that I could not remember his name. Has it been that long since I have seen him? Has it been that long since I had the pleasure of saying his name and hearing his voice?

I lost that battle with Poland that day, but it fueled my determination to get my green-eyed man.

I was able to join forces with Prussia and his cousin, Austria. He was strange for a country of war; he did not seem to be the brutal type. Instead, he seems like one of those noblemen whom sits on their thrones and sends the knights out. A country or empire has to at least join in battle with their people at least once, but he seems too classy. I did not like him, but he proved himself most helpful in the battlefields.

After long years, I have finally destroyed the Poland-Lithuania Commonwealth. I can finally get my green-eyed man.

I will not lie, I did like Lithuania for a while when I was with the green-eyed man. Lithuania was strong like him. I felt happy that I was able to defeat a superpower; that meant I was getting stronger.

After I separated Lithuania from that freak Poland, I brought him to my house. I tried to be as careful as possible, but he was trying his hardest to get away, avoiding my eyes at all cost. I had to hit him to show him that I was in charge now, but it was slightly funny to see his eyes widen in shock and fear like that.

I remember this day perfectly, because it was one of those days; those horrible, cold snowy days that I could have done without. Lithuania avoided looking at me until I decided it was about time to talk to him.

"Hello Lithuania."

"You use to be so soft-"

"You use to be so strong-"

"I am a little bit worried about that." I blinked, confused by his statement. Noticing it, he finally looked me in the eye. "You were raised by Mongolia. He was pretty brutal from what I could remember."

"Is that what he is called now?"

"Yes." Lithuania gave a weak smile. "You have grown so much. You are taller than me now." He stuttered then turned away. "Well, I guess it is no use then. We were going to end up crossing paths again somehow, especially since Poland provoked you."

I smiled. "Good. Just tell me what you care to share first, then I will tell you mine."

Lithuania nodded. "I am… sorry about the marriage, Russia. Believe you and I, I did not want to marry Poland. You do not know how many tears I have held in since that day."

"… Poland has not been treating my sister right like you did?"

"I barely had a say in it. I became a minority after Poland gained his power as quickly as he did. He is not right in the mind." Lithuania locked his blue gaze with mine. "Like him, I am worried about you. You have gained your powers a bit too quickly."

"I had no choice but to in order for me to survive."

"And I do not blame you." Lithuania stated. "Just, slow down a bit for me, please." He smiled. I would be lying if I did not say that it reminded me of my green-eyed man. But it was then I noticed how weak Lithuania became, and not just from our battle. He seemed tired and worn out, his spirit drained. For the first time, I felt panic for another. "Lithuania… where is the green-eyed man?"

Lithuania's eyes widen. "W-What?"

"The Green-eyed man who took care of me when I was younger." I stated. Lithuania's shoulders tensed, shaking his head as his blue eyes started to turned a slight shade darker from the tears forming at the corner. "R-Russia… do you not remember me?"

"I do remember you, Lithuania. My first memory of you was seeing you in a crowd of your people with your monarchy." I stated. Lithuania slouched back in his seat, shaking his head, mumbling the word 'no' over and over again.

I asked once more. "Where is the green-eyed man?"

"You cannot be serious!" He raised his voice at me. "A-After everything? Y-You… you… You cannot remember? You were no younger than me! We were the same age!"

I was getting annoyed. "Stop avoiding the question, Lithuania. Where is he? Was he your county? A city? A country you took over? I cannot remember his name, but you seem to know whom I am talking about. Tell me!"

Lithuania shook his head. "I… I cannot…"

"What happen to him?"

"… he is gone." Lithuania finally said after a long silence, shaking his head. "The man that you use to love and admire. He is gone, Russia. I am sorry."

I knew at the moment, I was supposed to feel pain and grief. I was suppose to feel sadness that he was one of the countries that fallen during that age. I was supposed to feel angry that Lithuania did not keep him safe.

"… If I did not give my heart to General Winter, then I would be crying right now." I mumbled. Lithuania perked his head up. "W-What?" he questioned, but I continued.

"I did not like the way it felt for our engagement to be put off like that. I felt used. So I gave my heart to General Winter. He promises to keep me safe from others until I could get what I wanted. Power, which I have. My sisters, which I will soon get from you. And the green-eyed man that I love so much. He is gone, therefore, I will always be under Winter's hand."

"… Why?" Lithuania's tears fell. "Did you love me- I mean, him that much?"

I nodded, getting up and leaving.

"Your mind will slower fall into insanity at the rate you are going at, Russia." Lithuania stated. "Please, slow your pace."

"You did. And you are now under my rule. I will no longer be under anyone else's rule again." I said, leaving him alone to cry silently.


I do not remember much after that. Everything became a blur, full of horrible memories that I wished were never put into the history books. The green-eyed man I could barely remember, and I can feel that his memory, everything that he had done for me was slowly slipping away. General Winter promised to take the pain away. And with that, he took away the happy memories, and left me with insanity.

One good thing did come from this, and that is my sudden feelings for Lithuania. It came a lot stronger than I though, a lot quicker than the green-eyed man. I will try and not to forget him, but Lithuania… I wished I could have loved you first. Then I would not feel like I will be betraying him going after you.

There is nothing to remember but my bloody history. All of the good has been taken, the one ones left over are followed only by nightmares.

And for that, I choose not to remember…