Come Back
If only I could know for sure.
Everywhere I look, I see your eyes, dark and accusing.
Everywhere I look, I see your face, pleading, needing.
If only I could know for sure.
You were a part of me, larger than I'd dare admit most of the time. It wasn't normal for me to rely on you nearly as much as I did; it wasn't fair of me to take so much of you without giving back. I was the older brother, the one who was supposed to be strong, set the example.
You were always the strong one.
Four months. Four fucking months.
I had to let you go. You know that, if you're out there, don't you? My survival instincts kicked in, no matter how much I didn't want them to, no matter how much I tried to fight them.
I've always been the weak one.
Goddamnit, Peter, where the hell are you?
I miss you.
I need you.
You were the one who stood alone, who stood strong, even when no one believed in you. You were the one who managed to carve out a life of your own, one that truly belonged to you and no one else, not Dad, not Mom, not me, not anyone else but you. You were the one who always did what you thought was right, no matter the consequences, no matter how stupid or dangerous it might be.
Don't tell me that bravery I always admired in you is what tore you away.
I look in the mirror, and I think it's you for a brief, split second. Hope. It's a bitter taste four months later, sourer than the alcohol on my tongue in the morning after a long night out. Maybe it's better when I see you burned, charred, angry. Maybe it's better when I think you blame me.
Better than forgiveness.
You forgave me for everything I ever did to you, Peter. You shouldn't have. I screwed up-- I screwed up so many times. No matter what I did you kept coming back to me. I was your big brother. You always came back to me.
Come back to me now. I can't stand it by myself.
I should've put you first. I should've listened to you. I should've told Dad and Mom and Heidi to go fuck themselves when they messed with you. I should've stayed with you.
So many should'ves. I would change the world if it would bring you back.
Without you, I can't change anything. Without you, everything around me is turning into madness. Heidi's gone. She took the kids. Mom's disgusted with me for ruining her plans and trying to go with you. There's nothing left of me but a shell.
You were always the strong one, Peter. Without your strength, I'm nothing.
You held the family together, you held me together, and now you're fucking gone, and I can't do anything but sit here night after night and wait like some damn lovesick college kid. You have to come back to me, Peter.
Come back.
