I got past the part where [SPOILERS] Yuugo and Lucas died, and I still really hate yet understand why they died. Doesn't mean I ain't gonna vent. Yuugo was my favorite character! If I had to choose between Yuugo's life ending and any other character, I would pick Yuugo every time. No other character has ever really gotten into my soul like that through the entire manga/anime.
Can't wait until they do animate Yuugo. Though I do hope that they give him a good voice. And that they nail his character.
Anyways, I should stop ranting on and on about this, so I'm just going to write random stuff about Yuugo. I'll start a while before he meets the kids from Grace Field. And, really sorry, but this is for me, not for anyone else. So...
If you don't like, then don't read. It is for me, but if you want, you can read it, too.
And now, I'll stop ranting.
The silence overwhelms my senses as I hold the broken tea cup, shaking ever so slightly. They sit around the table in their usual seats, laughing at each others's jokes. None of them seem to see me, but it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter that they are sitting around the table and drinking tea with me.
Their corpses have already been digested by them. Crying out as their lives were cast away like nothing, I can still hear them screaming at me to run and survive without them. To be the sole survivor.
The memory makes me nauseous.
Why me? I was the one that dragged them into that mess. Every choice I made got them killed. Throwing them time and time again at something we couldn't defeat, at...
This time, the bile reaches the top of my throat before settling again.
Stop it! Stop thinking about them! It all happened a long time ago! It's over. There's nothing you can do to change it...
But I just can't help it. What if I could have saved them? Would anything have let them sit here with me, enjoying tea and cookies with me? They would be living the high life with me, too...
But their bodies were left to rot on the forest floor, then dragged away and eaten by them. Those things that killed them all!
I can hear them shouting more clearly. They want me to join them...
But hadn't they told me to live? To escape? So why...
When I rush to the toilet for the first time in a month, I see Lucas leaning against the wall, grinning at me. "Good to see ya haven't kicked the bucket yet," he tells me.
"Fuck off, Lucas. I don't—!" My stomach churns at the thought of his name. I heave on the floor, just a few feet away from the toilet.
"Are you okay?" His hand lands on my shoulder, feeling just how I remembered. Soft and comforting and warm.
Nothing that I deserve to have.
So I pull away from his touch, baring my teeth at him. "I told you to fuck off!" It will pass, I tell myself. He will disappear soon, just like the rest of them.
But he isn't fading away. Lucas persisted, refusing that I get up on my own. "You need someone to help you. You can't just sit here like this, all by yourself."
Before I could hold myself back, I snarl, "Oh, and who was the one that left me to be like this?"
The sentence sinks in its greedy little claws, tearing both of us down with how bitter and hurt I sounded. After that, Lucas disappears, joining the others in the tea party. Regret hit me like a truck full of cattle children. It wasn't his fault that we couldn't beat them...
But it still felt like a betrayal. To leave their mangled corpses like that. To leave Lucas to die like the rest of them.
Then I could hear myself talk. My old self talk about seeing the human world. I walk into my room, feeling all woozy and shaking violently, but I won't stop talking. My words are so... sappy and cheesy.
"Let's go to the human world, together!" Really? Are you that stupid to follow me? Just because I said a few inspiring words?
I blink a couple of times. I'm in my room, staring at the wall. The names stare back at me.
I wish you were here, Lucas. I don't want to be alone anymore.
{Time Skip}
It became easier to ignore the clawing regret in my head as I slept. The nightmares had gone away, too. But it always comes back the moment I open my eyes. Every waking moment was a stab to the gut, and all I could do was take every blow.
Today is no exception. I go through the motions, feeling any energy I had from this morning evaporate into thin air. It's too hot, too cold. What temperature should it be on? 38 degrees C or -12 degrees C?
I like to feel my skin burn, but the fruit also rot much faster. But when it's cold, the water is frozen. So what temperature? Which one, Lucas?
22 degrees C? That's not one of the options, though. I trust you, Lucas...
After all, you save me even when I don't feel like being saved.
{A Month Before Grace Field Children Enter}
Pain feels wonderful, especially when I use a knife. A gun only makes it harder to walk and move, but a knife allows me to cut a sliver of my skin without hindering me at all. Lucas hates it when I cut myself; scratch that, everyone hates it when I cut myself.
But it makes me feel alive.
Though the gun is tempting. Just one shot and all of it is over. It was appealing even while I was feeling better, trying hard to stay alive, but now, after 13 years, it's so hard to resist just ending it all. I can see Lucas again if I pull the trigger.
But he always frowns disapprovingly anytime I look at any gun like that. And I just can't hurt him any more than that. Perhaps I can just have a man-eater eat me...
...Yeah, right. I couldn't do that. Seeing any man-eater makes me almost blind with rage.
Even more so the thought of him.
I set the knife down, gleefully examining the cuts on my arm. They would heal rather quickly and wouldn't scar. That I made sure of. But I can still enjoy my red blood trickling down my arms.
If I lose enough of it, I can laugh more easily with them. I could see them once more. Only Lucas seems to be able to see me, so if I die, I could see them again. All I needed to do was one quick slice across each wrist...
And I would have to watch Lucas's horrified eyes when he sees my corpse.
No, I can't. I can't kill myself. It's unfair how easily they can throw their life away, but I can't do the same.
Coward.
Before Lucas can even surprise me my cuts are already bandaged and covered by my long sleeves. His warm smile brings out just a tiny ray of hope, that I can last a bit longer before I finally die. I can almost ignore the bodies piling up when I see his smile.
Sniveling bastard.
Their blood seems to pour down the walls. It's not so terrifying anymore, however. All I have to do is stare at my gun until it goes away.
You deserve to die.
I'm staring into the barrel now. Just a jittery finger would kill me right now. The empty darkness feels colder than it should be. Perhaps...
Lucas should have been the one to live.
...Help me. Please. I don't want to die alone. I want to kill them. But I can't do it by myself.
I'm too much of a cowardly bastard to do so.
{A Week Before Grace Field Children Enter}
I crouch below a wild man-eater that's waiting in the trees for its next victim. The stupid thing hasn't even thought that its prey could be hiding right beneath it in the bushes. All it knows is that if it sees a human, it should pounce.
So when the bushes start rustling, the man-eater tenses up, ready to chew whatever comes into the clearing. The thought of a tasty human makes it salivate. But the only thing that comes out is a demonic elk-like creature. To the creature, it was disappointing. It had hoped for a human. But anything was better than nothing any day.
So the man-eater pounces on the elk-creature, devouring it with one gulp before climbing up the trees again. As it climbs, it never notices me sneaking past the clearing to climb a large apple tree by the waterside. With ease, I silently pick a few apples before stealthily climbing down the tree. I wait until it looks away before darting over to another plant to pick some more fruits before soundlessly diving into the bushes.
It never sees me as I walk back to the shelter. Lucky for me. I don't have to kill that man-eater and waste my bullets. Not that I'm low on bullets, but I'd rather save them for him.
I reenter the shelter and put everything away before I head to my room. They started the party without me. Everyone ignores me again, and I just laugh with them, even though they can't hear me.
Well, all except for Lucas.
His eyes watch me, waiting to see if I need help. Honestly, he doesn't seem to notice that half of his face has already melted away. All of them are rotting, their skin falling off their bones, but I laugh anyways. I pretend that they're still alive, that they're actually here.
"The cookies are delicious as always," I say, and only Lucas agrees. Only he hears me. The others don't even look my way.
I need them to see me.
So I take my knife and hold it right above my skin, watching them stare at the knife. Now they see me. Now they shake their head and tell me not to kill myself.
But what's the point of staying alive if your friends ignore you? They seem to stare right through me. Once I put down the knife, they ignore me again.
A bit of my tea cup breaks off. The broken thing can barely stand me moving it. I excuse myself and head to my room, ignoring Lucas calling out to me.
The door locks behind me, and I sit in front of the wall again, reading my mad scribbles. I read the names out loud, trying to match faces to names. But some I just can't remember. All I can remember are their rotting faces, devoid of life.
The knife flashes as it cuts through my skin. But I just can't stomach it anymore. I set the knife down, willing myself to let them go. Ignore John crying in the corner, he isn't real.
"He's dead."
Saying it out loud doesn't help. It makes it worse. I am the reason he's dead. My choices drove him to the grave.
Happy families don't exist for very long. They all fade away. I still remember that one group that somehow got here with half of its members still alive. And I hated them.
How?
How are they still alive?
They needed help.
Help.
They needed help dying.
I helped them.
I. Helped. Them.
They didn't deserve to live here.
I chased them out with my gun when they refused to leave.
Shoot.
One went down.
The others cried. They couldn't stand their friend dying.
They were just chumps.
After they left I couldn't stand up anymore. I shot someone.
I shot a child.
A child that wouldn't have lived anyways. I gave him a swift death.
I was left all alone, and I'll keep it that way.
Anything to keep me from forgetting the pain.
I deserve the pain.
{Right before Grace Field Children Enter}
They're gone! They're gone!
Lucas is gone as well! They left me again! They're all gone!
Nobody showed up to the tea party today. I'm left alone again. At least I could hear their voices, no matter how much they ignored me. Now they're gone.
I need to see them again. I need them. I can't be alone again.
The cool feel of the gun's metal against my head is reassuring. I can see them again. All I have to do is pull the trigger, and I'll see them again. And they'll be able to see me again. Not just Lucas.
But before I can shoot, I hear children talking. About fifteen of them. And they all seem happy to be here.
Cattle children. They must be cattle children.
To see a dead man's body would scar them for life.
So what? I already killed a child. What's a few more scarred children?
Even so, I put my gun back in my pocket. Not a moment too soon, for the door opened right afterwards. There are numbers on their neck.
They're from Grace Field.
They're the 15 children that had escaped a week ago.
I want to vomit. They're all there. Not a single one had died. They're all one big, happy family.
Jealousy slithers through my veins. I can see how happy they are and how much they love each other.
Why?!
Why are they all together? Why are they allowed to be a family, while I'm forced to be alone? They're chumps that know nothing. So how are they still alive?!
They interrupted me. They're keeping me from joining Lucas.
"You've come a long way. Congrats...and welcome to Shelter B06–32."
Though none of you will last for long. I guarantee it.
So, that's all for now. First chapter. I just—I don't know what I was going for. All I want to say is that I'm setting up the mindset Yuugo is going to have for the rest of this story.
That's all for now! See ya!
