A/N I don't own anything except a plot bunny that won't let me rest.
Please read the A/N at the end if my writing does not lose you before.
Chapter 1: Hermione cannot stop cryingAfter Madam Pomphrey fixed my teeth I did not return to the dungeons. I was still crying. I think I'd never cried so long in my life. I went to my room and tried to cry myself out before dinner. Only I couldn't. There was really no reason to cry. On the contrary. I finally had perfect teeth and I met Viktor Krum who was so nice and helpful. I needed to find him and to thank him. Dinner would be a perfect time for that. But, I needed to stop crying first and I had no idea how.
I went to the bathroom, freshened up, smiled at myself in the mirror. But, it did not help. I could not read. I could not talk to anybody. I could not think of a single person that would not make a fuss and insist on why I was crying. I wish I knew.
I left the Gryffindor Tower while everybody was at dinner and went out to the lake. I walked past the Durmstrang ship and followed the lake shore until I was far enough. I transfigured a dry branch into a soft armchair and placed it in front of a wide tree trunk. The sun was down and the light dim so I expected to be virtually invisible from afar. I sat and watched the blurry lights across the lake. I would wipe my eyes and get a sharp picture only to lose it as tears filled my eyes again. All this was so new. Abnormal. Exciting. But the lack of control over my tear glands frightened me. There must be some explanation. If only I knew what was going on, I would know where to start. What are the tears saying? I don't know. How do I feel? Devastated. Why? I don't know.
I tried to find the source of the unhappiness, but I managed only to deduct the negatives. It was not the hex, the hex caused fear (horror, rather, and I knew that I had overreacted). It wasn't Malfoy, I never expected anything better from him, and even if I had, the hex wasn't meant for me. It wasn't Harry who shouldn't have duelled. He was under so much pressure, I could not blame him. It was not Ron who showed my teeth to Snape, he only wanted to prove the damage that his Slytherins caused. It wasn't Snape, he was cruel as usual. If I'd cried whenever he was cruel to me, I would have cried all the time.
I noticed somebody walking towards me and knew it was Viktor before I could see him clearly. He did not seem surprised. I was not surprised, either. It was as if we'd agreed to meet here. He stopped in front of me.
„Vot is the problem?"
„I can't stop the tears."
„How long?"
„All the time, since before I ran into you. I had the Calming Draught in the Infirmary, but it lasted only five minutes."
„Vot do you feel?"
„Very sad. As if I lost something dear to me. As if somebody died."
„Do you vant to talk or do you vant my shoulder?"
„I want to talk. I have been thinking very clearly all this time, even when I was running like mad. You know, I ran into you on purpose because I could not stop on my own. I was crying and running while my brain worked as if nothing was wrong. I told myself to stop running, but I couldn't. My legs were not listening to me."
„And nau your eyes are not listening to you."
„Maybe I should try your shoulder again. It helped with my feet. You embraced me and almost immediately I regained control of my legs."
Viktor transfigured my chair into a sofa, sat beside me and embraced me. I leaned into his chest and waited for the tears to stop. It did not work. I told him everything that happened in the dungeons and where my reasoning failed.
„I tink that your body is giving a message to your mind."
„What message?"
„I don't knou, it is your body and your mind, but I knou this split does not happen without good reason."
„Can you guess? I can't imagine why this message should be so cryptic. The last thing I need now is internal puzzle."
„Wot is the first thing you need now?"
„I need clear eyes and clear mind so I can help Harry. And Ron, the git."
„Wot is the first thing you need for yourself?"
„I need time to learn all that I want to learn, so I don't feel so inadequate."
„You have a very clever body, then."
„What do you mean?"
„Your body said: You are not good to me. I won't let you control me any more. Your body came to me. I told you: walk, and your body agreed."
I straightened and moved out of Viktor's embrace.
„Tell me to stop crying."
„So you can help Harry and Ron?"
„Yes."
„It vill not vork."
„Why?"
„Your body cares about you, not about Harry and Ron."
„I don't have time for me right now."
„I can give you time."
I looked at him with my mouth open until his face blurred. I was shocked, but I believed him.
„How much time can you give me?"
„As much as you need."
„Who decides how much I need?"
„Your body, of course."
„I cannot imagine how all these tears can be helpful for either my body or my mind."
„I do not know, but I can guess."
„Please do."
„Your body thinks it is important you understand who died."
„And I need time for this."
„Yes."
„How can you give me time?"
„If you want it, I need your Wand Oath that you will keep my secrets. I trust you, but the Oath will help you, and me, live more easily."
I pulled out my wand and started to say that I will never reveal his secrets, but he stopped me.
„Words are important. Don't waste the Oath and mind your safety. Say, I will not reveal Viktor's secrets unless it is dangerous for him to keep them."
„How will I know that?"
„The Oath will take care of that."
I was gaping like a fish again. Then I did as he asked.
„My first secret is that I can speak English quite well. Which is lucky, because botching it gets tiresome pretty fast, just as listening to it does, doesn't it?"
„Why do you do it, then?"
„It is very useful. It discourages small talk. It makes me look like a semi-literate barbarian. I get underestimated as a rule."
„And that is good because...?"
„That is good, full stop. It is an advantage when it really matters."
„But it is a lie!"
„And this is bad because...?"
„Because it is dishonest."
„Excuse me? I would call it a basic human right."
„It is like failing an exam on purpose."
„Yes. My exam. My mark. My right."
„It is cheating."
„Why do you think that I owe the truth about my language skills to anybody?"
„Because one should be truthful."
„To everybody?"
„As a matter of principle, yes."
„Are you truthful to everybody?"
„About my skills, yes."
„Why would you want your enemies to know the limit of your skills?"
„I don't think about enemies. I would not disrupt my life in order to deceive them."
„How would your life be disrupted if you kept to yourself how much you know about, say, hexes?"
„I would have to hide my knowledge, and that would be lying."
„So we are back at the beginning. The Big Bad Lie. Have you ever lied?"
„I have, and I felt very bad about it."
„Why did you lie?"
„To protect my friends."
„Does it mean that some lies are good?"
„Not good, but necessary."
„Did you ever lie to protect yourself?"
„I did."
„Good."
„Good?"
„Very good. You protected yourself. Unlike truthfullness, that is a priority."
„Truthfulness is a priority among friends."
„No white lies to avoid hurting them, no lies to protect your privacy?"
„Well, yes, but that is not what we are talking about."
„No? Truthfulness is not a priority among friends, then?"
„Not the first one. But I do not lie to my friends about important things. They need to know what I know so they can rely on me."
„When you return from the library, do you tell them what you'd learned?"
„Er, no, because they are not interested."
„So, do they believe that you know more than you do?"
„They might. They are always behind in their studies and, of couse, I know everything they ask me, but I think they have this image of me as a know-it-all."
„And you are not?"
„Of course I'm not."
„So, you are not lying to them, but you are letting them believe that you know more than you do so they can rely on the knowledge which you do not have. How safe is that?"
„I can't help if if they don't listen and don't think! But I do not lie to them on purpose."
„It might be safer for them if you lied that you do not know things which you know. They might not overestimate your reliability so much then. Right?"
„I guess I wasn't thinking about it like that. There are so many things which I don't know, which I wish to learn. But, I never have enough time and there are things that cannot be found in the library and there are things that cannot be learned from books and nobody teaches them at Hogwarts."
„Like what?"
„Occlumency, Memory charms, Animagus training, Wandless magic, Portraits, Portkeys..."
„I see. How much of the curriculum have you covered?"
„I've read all of it but I need to practise and revise. I've been occupied with other things since the Tournament started, so I doubt I would get all Os if the OWLs were tomorrow."
„You must be bored during classes."
„Not really. I like to review. And I need to help my friends, so it is not boring at all."
„My second secret is: I have a time-turner and I use it often."
„I was using one last year, but I was so exhausted I gladly gave it up."
„I don't go back hours, but days. I take a full day off to do what I want and sleep as much as I need. I don't take any risks. I always spend these extra days in my sanctuary. We can go there now and you can have a day or two or three to get rid of the tears and come back here well before curfew tonight. Will that help?"
„Oh, Viktor. It is a real Deux ex machina. It is too good to be true. Forgive me for asking, but I really must. I have a good feeling about you. I feel that I can trust you. But, why are you doing this for me?"
„Remember how we met? For lack of better explanation, we are destined to work together. I noticed you during the World Cup. I trust my magic, and this feels right. Hogwarts agrees."
„Hogwarts?"
„Also, I like you. I have been watching you since I arrived. Malfoy pointed you out."
„Malfoy?"
„I am a celebrity and a pureblood, he was sucking up to me. So he told me why I need not worry about Potter, and I'm sure you know what he says about the three of you. You are a curiosity on that basis alone, not to mention that you ran into me when your body needed saving."
I did not like having my body in the spotlight. He was joking, I knew, and I did not feel threatened, but still I blushed.
„I have never seen you watch me."
„I did not want you to. But I can assure you that I don't enjoy being stalked by giggling girls in the library any more than you do."
„I admit it is a relief they don't stalk me. What do you mean by Hogwarts agrees?"
„The castle set us up. My guess is that Malfoy's hex hit you so you could run into me. You need help which I can provide. Simple."
„Why would Hogwarts do that?"
„You and I need to get together. Don't you feel it?"
„I feel comfortable with you. But, that's exactly why I need to worry."
„My intentions are completely friendly. But, we need an Oath for both of us. I want you to be sure that I will not harm you, but I must not jeopardize my mission to help you break through your blind spot. You have been crying for five hours now. I doubt that stopping it can be painless."
„Blind spot?"
„When you ask yourself: why do I cry and suddenly turn dumb – you've hit your blind spot."
„How about ‚I will act in your best interest to the best of my ability'?"
Viktor pulled out his wand, touched the tip of Hermione's and said: „I vow not to harm you needlessly and when I work with you to act in your best interest to the best of my ability."
„When you work with me?"
„I need to be free for myself some of the time. You wouldn't want me to obsess about you, believe me. Shall we go?"
We stood up. I turned the sofa back into the branch. Viktor showed me the ring on his finger and as soon as I touched it we were gone.
They appeared in a small candle-lit room, facing a door.
„My gift of time to you, Hermione. When we enter this door, we shall step into this minute of yesterday. When twenty-four hours pass, we shall be banished to this spot, even if we are asleep, even if we are, which we shall not be, on another continent. Then we can take another 24 hours if we want. You go first. Touch the door with your fingers and wait for the green light to go in."
She did. Writing appeared on it:
13 November 1994 12 November 1994
Hermione Jean Granger,
15 y 1 m 24 d 15 y 4 m 3 d
It stayed there for just long enough to be read and then it flashed green and disappeared. I pushed the door and went in.
I entered a dark room. Viktor soon joined me and before lighting any candles he led me to the window. It was a clear night and the sky was full of stars. The Moon was not up yet, so little of the ground could be seen.
„Where are we?"
„In Bulgaria. High in the mountains. It is a beautiful view if you don't mind hights. There is no road to here, not even a walking path. Nobody can apparate or portkey here without my permission. There is a terrace on top where we can have breakfast if the weather is nice. A beautiful view. „
„How did we portkey from Hogwarts? I thought it was impossible."
„You mean, you read it in Hogwarts: A History."
„I did. Have you read it, too?"
„Of course, I have. And it is true, so we didn't portkey out of Hogwarts, as it is quite impossible."
„Very funny, but I prefer to know."
„What you read in the book is true, normally. I have a privilege."
„Dumbledore..."
„… knows about it, of course, but he did not give it to me. The castle gave it to my ancestor and recognized my right when I arrived."
„Oh."
„I'm sure there are many things I could interest you with, but I would prefer you stop crying first. It is your priority now."
„It really is. I tried by getting angry, but it did not work."
Viktor nodded as if he understood perfectly. There was a soft ‚pop' and a big tray with tea and cookies appeared on the table.
„Tide is getting impatient. Let me introduce you to her. Tide, do come, please."
A house-elf appeared immediately, glaring at him.
„Hello, Tide. This is Hermione Granger, a student at Hogwarts. She needs some time to stop crying and if I guess correctly she will need more time to learn a few things which will present themselves in the process. Hermione, this is Tide, my friend and master."
„I wish. You don't keep your master waiting. You are lucky the friend part is true. Miss Granger, please have some tea. Are you hungry? I can bring you real food if you are up to it. How long have you been crying, dear?
„Er, six hours."
„Uh-huh. I'm sure Viktor will know what's to be done. I will prepare a room for you. If you need anything, fresh robes or food or anything, just call me, all right?"
„Thank you very much, Tide. I am so glad to have met you. House-elves in Hogwarts are quite different and I have been upset about it ever since I learned about them. I am Muggle-born, you see, and I did not know there were house-elves slaving away in Hogwarts until a month ago."
„I think I know what you mean, although I've never heard it described that way."
„Are you hungry, Viktor?"
„No, no thank you. Tea will be enough."
„All right. I'll talk to you later."
She popped away. Soon the two of them were sitting in armchairs and drinking tea.
„Is Tide free?"
„No. She is bound to my family."
„She is wearing clothes."
„She likes to dress up, but she makes her own clothes, she does not get them from us."
„It is horrible how wizards enslave elves."
„I haven't studied the elf-binding magic. We've been happy with our elves and they've been happy with us. I know you are obsessing about them. You can talk to Tide about it if she lets you, but it is hardly your priority right now."
„What do you suggest?"
„First you need to define your goal."
„I want to stop crying."
„When exactly did you start crying?"
„When I got hexed and felt my teeth grow."
„Which one of these two is it?"
„Wait, when Ron pulled my hand from my teeth to show them to Professor Snape, I saw his sneer quite clearly. So I wasn't crying yet. I don't know."
„Have you ever used a Pensieve?"
„No, but I've read about it."
„Pensieve can be used for many different things. I first used it for studying. I could not go to school, so I used memories of my schoolmates."
„I could take my NEWTs next year like that!"
„And when would you take your OWLs?"
„I can take them tomorrow if they let me."
„And what would you do then? Leave Hogwarts at 16?"
„I need to think about it. Harry needs me, I can't off and go my way."
„Today, we can use the Pensieve to pinpoint the moment when you started crying. Then you might remember exactly what was on your mind. There is probably a single sentence which is repeating in the back of your mind and keeping you crying. You need to hear it and say it aloud."
„Won't it make me cry even harder?"
„Probably, but not like this. You will know what the problem is and you will be able to solve it."
„How can you be sure? What if the problem can't be solved and that is why I'm not facing it?"
„Every problem can be solved, this way or that. You may not like the solution, but only unrecognized problems remain unsolved."
„Poverty, pollution, global warming, ..."
„Oh, that. You can't solve other people's problems, only your own."
„I know, I was trying to be funny."
„Or difficult."
„Do you have to go with me to my memory?"
„I need to go with you to some memory in order to teach you how to move around and what to look for. If you really want to stop crying, you better use my help where it counts. It is no guarantee, but it may help."
„You mean, it may not be enough?"
„I don't know you, Hermione, but if it were so easy, don't you think you would have stopped crying by now?"
A/N I have a novel length story in mind and several key chapters in the middle already written. It is ultimately a SS/HG story, but Hermione has a long way and many men to cover first. I don't plan to repeat the last four books because I often find it boring when others do it. I have a canon-compliant story in mind, with a surviving Snape and EWE, but most of it escaped the esteemed JKR's attention. Much of it happens behind Harry's back. I have never written any fanfiction before, I can't judge if this would be interesting to read and I would very much like to have a critical, and I do mean Critical, reader. This is a test run so to speak. I know that I have a lot to think/change/write/discard before I have something to send to a serious beta. Since English is not my mother tongue, a literate native speaker with good knowledge of SS/HG ship who would be willing to beta would be most appreciated. If this is potentially worth the trouble, that is. That's what I'm asking. Don't spare me. True feedback is needed here. Thank you.
