Nights
They say it's better to love and lose than never to have loved at all. Bullshit. It hurts like hell to lose the one you love. That's why I feel now like my guts are being torn out of my body. Why do I keep on loving when all I do is lose? I lost Genevieve, I lost my children, and I lost...Chris. Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating a little. My kids will visit me again and Keller will be out of the hole soon. The only one I've really lost for good is Gen, and that ache is not going to go away. God, I loved her so much. Now she's gone. Maybe she was right. Maybe I did kill her. I wouldn't share myself with her, not completely. I suffered alone. In my heart, my real lover, the only one did trust, was booze. Sometimes I wish it was me that died in that crash instead of that little girl. Then I would have only destroyed one family instead of two. I've never felt so lonely before. I feel like I'm going out of mind, really crazy instead of just pretending to be. Oh god, why did they have to take him now? Now that I know that I love him. Man, I love him. And wasn't that hard to admit, especially to myself. But when I saw him there, feeling like shit because his wife got married again, the same way I would feel if Genevieve got married again, I had to reach out to him. The same way he reached out to me when I found out about Gen's suicide. I just wanted to make him feel good. So I steeled myself and I took the plunge. And I can't believe it myself, but I came out on the other side, feeling new, feeling free, feeling loved again. I wonder what Grandmother would say if she knew. Probably have a heart attack. Probably turn her middle-class world upside down. Hah! What a joke. Everything that used to make sense to me, to all of us, doesn't even come close to that now. Like my life. My life. Jesus, I need a drink. I need a drink. I need a drink. No I can't. I have to be strong for once in my miserable life. Gen died hating me, but she loved me too, and she would want me to be strong. My kids would want me to be strong. I want that too, for them. But it's so hard. Goddammit! Why does it have to be so hard? Too hard. Too much! I didn't expect prison to be a carnival ride, but this is ridiculous. One thing on top of another. Too much. Oh, Chris left some moonshine here, as if he knew. He knew I'd need it, and I do. I need this so much. Just until he gets back, just until then. How am I ever going to get through tonight without it? And what about the nights after that, until who knows when he comes back? When he does, things'll be, if not okay, at least tolerable. Just one sip and all will be right with the world. Just one sip and I can breath again. Here's to my loves. Bottom's up!
They say it's better to love and lose than never to have loved at all. Bullshit. It hurts like hell to lose the one you love. That's why I feel now like my guts are being torn out of my body. Why do I keep on loving when all I do is lose? I lost Genevieve, I lost my children, and I lost...Chris. Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating a little. My kids will visit me again and Keller will be out of the hole soon. The only one I've really lost for good is Gen, and that ache is not going to go away. God, I loved her so much. Now she's gone. Maybe she was right. Maybe I did kill her. I wouldn't share myself with her, not completely. I suffered alone. In my heart, my real lover, the only one did trust, was booze. Sometimes I wish it was me that died in that crash instead of that little girl. Then I would have only destroyed one family instead of two. I've never felt so lonely before. I feel like I'm going out of mind, really crazy instead of just pretending to be. Oh god, why did they have to take him now? Now that I know that I love him. Man, I love him. And wasn't that hard to admit, especially to myself. But when I saw him there, feeling like shit because his wife got married again, the same way I would feel if Genevieve got married again, I had to reach out to him. The same way he reached out to me when I found out about Gen's suicide. I just wanted to make him feel good. So I steeled myself and I took the plunge. And I can't believe it myself, but I came out on the other side, feeling new, feeling free, feeling loved again. I wonder what Grandmother would say if she knew. Probably have a heart attack. Probably turn her middle-class world upside down. Hah! What a joke. Everything that used to make sense to me, to all of us, doesn't even come close to that now. Like my life. My life. Jesus, I need a drink. I need a drink. I need a drink. No I can't. I have to be strong for once in my miserable life. Gen died hating me, but she loved me too, and she would want me to be strong. My kids would want me to be strong. I want that too, for them. But it's so hard. Goddammit! Why does it have to be so hard? Too hard. Too much! I didn't expect prison to be a carnival ride, but this is ridiculous. One thing on top of another. Too much. Oh, Chris left some moonshine here, as if he knew. He knew I'd need it, and I do. I need this so much. Just until he gets back, just until then. How am I ever going to get through tonight without it? And what about the nights after that, until who knows when he comes back? When he does, things'll be, if not okay, at least tolerable. Just one sip and all will be right with the world. Just one sip and I can breath again. Here's to my loves. Bottom's up!
