To: All Lord of the Rings Fanfiction Writers

We the undersigned request the following:

That Aragorn and Legolas stop being forced to fall in love with all these Mary Sues. Arwen is not happy, and Aragorn is getting rather annoyed at constantly having to break it gently to these girls that Arwen is his wife and he actually loves her, while simultaneously explaining to Arwen why he was being romantic with someone besides her. Legolas has been muttering about Mary-Sues starting to appear in his nightmares for a month now.

Elrond, Thranduil, Legolas, Glorfindel, and Haldir want to A. Stop falling in love with human females—look, it just isn't done that way; and B. not be forced to involve themselves in slash—they are not happy.

Celebrian is not happy about the story titled after her—she's been muttering about sending Elladan and Elrohir out to get the author.

Elladan and Elrohir want to stop looking like idiots, and/or being forced to fall in love with human females.

All of the guys want to stop either looking like A. arrogant would-be rapists or B. lovestruck adolescents.

The girls want the guys to stop being taken away from them.

Faramir wants his brother's honor back.

The humans are getting tired of looking like pigs in favor of the elves.

Gimli and the dwarves want the same amount of attention they have now.

Merry, Pippin, and Sam are annoyed with the slash as well, but otherwise are fine.

Eomer is curious as to why no one has come for him yet. We have told him that it is much, much, much better that way, and he agrees. He wants his uncle's honor back.

Elrond is, as you might imagine, annoyed at being separated from his wife.

The remaining members of the Fellowship are growing annoyed with constantly having to retake the journey with Mary Sues—they wouldn't mind so much if they were reasonable, but Sues? They've decided to kill the next one.

We therefore request that all of the activities inveighed against be ceased, and that all activities requested begin soon. In order to further this, we have formed a union—Lord of the Rings Characters Association. If you do not heed us, we will go on strike.

Respectfully,

Elrond, Haldir, Legolas, Glorfindel, Gimli, Gloin, Eomer, Eowyn, Aragorn, Arwen, Celeborn, Galadriel, Celebrian, Elladan, Elrohir, Meriadoc, Pippin, Samwise, Faramir, Thranduil