Do you ever see These shadows over me And all the things you've left that leave me hollow {"How I feel...inside me…I wish I couldn't feel anything Sammy…I wish I couldn't feel a damn thing"} Most of the memories Sam had weren't good ones. He and Dean had been through more bad than good in their life times and they'd both gotten mental and physical scars over the years. Scars caused by pain, grief, lies and death. Sometimes Sam was grateful for the physical scars, he would watch them heal and soon they wouldn't hurt anymore. But with the scars in his mind, his heart…the pain was always there. There were times when he'd feel it burning away at him and others when the pain was dormant but he could feel it crawling inside him as it waited until it could pounce when the next tragic event occurred. Almost every memory he held had been a scar in the making. Memories of Jess reminded him of the nature of her death, how he'd dreamt it days before it happened. The fact that she'd died because of him and he wished that he could go back. He wished that he'd never been in her life….he wished that he could bring her back. The pain of losing her was still inside him, it'd been a scar in the making but now it was fully formed, it was like a shadow that would always be over him, blocking him from the light. But you had to learn to live with those scars, you had to fight them and not let them hold you back. That was what Sam told himself when he had a rough night, when they were trying to get the better of him. He had to keep it together, for Dean's sake…for his sake. Memories of his Dad…the way he'd been angry at him just before he'd died; the fact that he'd never been able to make his peace with John just brought about more pain. He'd always wondered why his Dad had been so hell bent on revenge for Mary's death but now he knew why. John's death had been another scar in the making. John had been the best, neither of them had even contemplated him dying…he'd been invincible to them. Suddenly he was gone and all they had left was each other. Once it became obvious that John had died in order to save Dean, Sam realised that all John had ever wanted was for them to be safe….for them to be alive. As he watched his brother he realised that his memories of hell were destroying him, burning away at him. Losing Dean hadn't been easy but he knew it didn't compare to what Dean was going through. Sam had been broken when Dean had gone to hell. He'd been consumed with pain and grief and he'd become lost. Lost inside the hollow pit that had formed inside of him, an emptiness that couldn't be filled up. Sacrifice was something that he knew all about but he'd been unable to sacrifice himself the way his Dad and Dean had so he'd turned to revenge. He was so determined to avenge Dean's death, to make Lilith feel even more pain than she'd inflicted on him, to make her suffer more that he had during his entire life. He'd been so consumed with anger and rage that he still wanted to do those things to Lilith even though Dean was back. He knew that he'd never be able to forgive himself…not until she was dead. Sam looked up again at Dean as he sobbed silently and he knew then that Dean's memories of hell would never be scars in the making. They would be scars for life; they'd always be there in Dean's mind. A constant reminder of what he'd been through and what he'd done. And for that Sam was sorry, that Dean had made the deal, sorry that Dean had gone to hell because of him and sorry that he hadn't been able to save him. Sorry that he himself had been a scar in the making.
