In Memoriam
Once Loved and Almost Lost
She starts running, panic and urgency surging through her veins.
After the baby died, she lied in bed and then slowly after that began walking, but the walk progresses into a fearful run as her cellphone lies forgotten on the floor of her condo. She fumbles with her key for a moment before opening her car door and sliding it into the ignition, revving the engine to life. She backs out, narrowly avoiding a rear end collision before heading out on the highway, as it's the quickest way to the hospital from her neighborhood. Her hands grip the steering wheel to try to force herself to stop shaking and her vision is blurry at best and she blinks away the stinging in her eyes.
She pulls into the hospital parking lot and rushes out of the car, sprinting through the automatic doors and gripping the edge of the reception desk before she knows it. "Ben Boykewich," She says quickly. "He was just admitted; I heard he was in a car accident."
The receptionist blinks, bewildered for a moment, before typing in the name in the computer in front of her. The elderly woman nods, "Yes, he's in the ICU, but only family is allowed in there for the time being."
"I'm his wife," Adrian blurts out before she can process the words.
The woman's eyes widen considerably. "He is barely eighteen years old."
Adrian raises up her left hand and confronts her with the large sapphire resting on her engagement ring finger as proof of her point. The receptionist's eyes practically bulge. She nods quickly, convinced, "Proceed down the hallway through the double doors and the room is on the right."
Adrian says her clipped thanks before rushing off, leaving the receptionist stunned in her wake and she finds the small room lined with a few chairs, a snack machine and three sets of parents, and Alice and Henry, seated on opposite sides of the room.
Leo and Reuben are the first to see her and the latter sighs at the sight of his daughter.
Cindy walks up and embraces Adrian, but Adrian is numbed at the lack of answers. She regards Leo, "How is he?"
With a heavy sigh, Leo shakes his head with a crack in his normally calm voice, "Not good. He's still in critical condition."
Adrian's breath is lodged deep in the back of her throat and she's biting her lower lip, suppressing a whimper. Her eyes well and she doesn't even try to prevent the breaking of a sea of tears from escaping. One tear stream down her cheek, then another down the other, and Cindy grips her that much tighter.
The room after that becomes otherwise silent.
She doesn't know how to feel about this. She's worried and scared, and angry and distraught. What if he dies and she never sees him again? When she received the phone call it was as if a blow had been delivered right to her gut and she was breathless. She wanted to believe it was a joke at first, and she began laughing, hysterically, but her mother was deathly silent over the line and as soon as it hit her, she dropped her phone without another thought and left the condo.
So here she is, in a dreary increasingly small waiting room, and she keeps looking at her sapphire, twisting it around her third finger until she can't see it anymore because her world has become a flurry of colors and dim light. "Adrian," her father whispers by her side. She looks over and he's blurry too and her face feels wet and she doesn't know why.
Rueben wipes her tears, "He's going to be fine."
"How do you know?" Adrian hears, and it sounds as if the question had come from a strangled animal and not her own full lips. "What if he's not?" She whispers harshly, low enough so that Leo can't easily hear her.
"You have to stay strong for him, Adrian."
But how can she when her world is tilting on its axis, again? How can she when one more important person in her life is on the cusp of leaving her? Is she truly meant to be alone, is this what this all means?
Adrian doesn't answer. She just nods, numbly. She has to stay strong, she just has to.
It's been a while. Seven hours, to be exact. They've been here all night and no one's really said a word. Alice and Henry have maintained a distance rivaling Asia and Antarctica, as impossible as that seems. Ben cut Henry off months ago so the fact that he's here now is something she wonders how he managed, but then again, she's here too, so who is she to judge?
Leo solemnly stands by the glass of the room, staring. And by his side is Camille, stoking his back in a loving fashion. If anyone didn't deserve to have this happen, it's him. She feels sorry that she contributed. Sorry that he became a young grandfather and that his son divorced before he was eighteen and is now in critical condition because of a habit that he probably would've never developed if she hadn't stepped into his Honda that one night. She isn't so dense not to think that her one action didn't carry a rippling effect on everyone in this room because it did.
Bunny, the woman with a quick tongue, has been quiet except for the occasional sob, a tear down her cheek. Her husband rubs her back consolingly and her other daughter sniffs, wiping her eyes.
And finally, Adrian is between her parents, Cindy on her left and Rueben on her right. The fact that they're here, it almost wants to boggle her mind but the fact of the matter is that Cindy developed a soft spot for Ben, admiring him for how he was with Adrian during the pregnancy and after, and Rueben typically regarded Ben as a son; who knows how many times she walked in on them having a phone conversation or exchanging advice. Or the fact that Cindy texted Ben daily while they were married, and even after they got divorced.
Just the fact that they maintained such a bond with him almost angers her because she's their daughter and he's an ex, but it's very halfhearted at this point, an almost nonexistent smoldering below it all. If they didn't share such a bond then she might not have known he was in a car accident tonight, or rather yesterday night, now that it's early morning.
It'll happen that Rueben will pace the room or Henry will chew on the crescent of his thumb or Alice will tap her foot or Bunny will break out in a muffled sob and the stifling silence of the room is broken.
It's when it returns that Adrian panics again. It was like the one and only time she dared to go to Mercy's grave, her funeral. The sun was tauntingly bright but the air was still and the birds were silent and everything was quiet and wrong, wrong, wrong. Mercy should've buried her and Ben, not the other way around.
It's just like that, all over again. She stands and leaves the room and it isn't until she reaches the end of the hallway that she breaks down, sliding against the wall and crouching down in her heels with her head in her hands.
"You know, crying isn't going to make this okay."
She doesn't look up. Adrian nods, wiping her face, and clearing away the lump in her throat before standing. Because of her boots, Adrian stands taller than the five foot tall Asian girl.
"You're talking to me." It's a statement, not a question.
"Ben told me what happened," Alice supplies.
"I still slept with your boyfriend." Adrian counters.
"Ex."
"It's not like you two aren't going to get back together, eventually," Adrian says practically.
Alice crosses her arms. "Do you want me to hate you?"
Adrian considers this. Alice wouldn't be the first to do so, and is most likely not the last in her lifetime, and even though the girl never warmed up to her, and probably never will, she doesn't want to burn anymore bridges. Not now and probably not ever again if for some miracle Ben makes it through this. "If you're going to do it, then do it, but..." She says this lower, "No, I don't want you to hate me."
"Fine, I don't."
"Good."
The girls don't say anything after that. It's not like they've really talked before, or really consider each other friends or anything like that so she guesses they've said all they have to say.
"Ben asked me what he should do, last night, and I told him he should go out with Dylan," Alice blurts out unexpectedly.
Adrian looks over at her and then back to the opposite wall. "It's not like you're a clairvoyant. You didn't know that this was going to happen."
"He wanted to go see you," the small Asian girl continues. "And I told him to go have fun with Dylan and now-"
"Stop right there," Adrian cuts across her declaration, knowing where she's heading with it. She looks directly at her so that the girl doesn't misunderstand. "Look. We're not going to make this a rehash of the time Grace blamed herself for her father's death. The fact is that you were trying to be a good friend to Ben and there was no possible way for you to know that this would happen."
"Didn't you hear me, Adrian?" Alice reiterates quietly, "Ben wanted to go see you."
"I heard you," she says, wishing she didn't. "But this is not your fault, it's no one's fault, and all we can do is hope they're going to be okay. And Ben? He's going to be okay, he's a lot stronger than people give him credit for. And Dylan's Bunny's daughter so she'll be okay too." She says this firmly, so much so that even she believes it, even if for a moment. The truth is that she's so scared she'll say anything to boost morale. Her eyes are red and puffy from crying and a lack of sleep and it reminds her so much of how she felt a few months ago after she had Mercy.
"Listen, you and Henry need to stop this. Learn something from Ben and I's mistake. Life is too short for this and I know Henry loves you, and I know you love him."
"Henry broke up with me!"
"Then don't let him walk away!" Adrian retorts. "And don't say that you're respecting his wishes, it's all bullshit! All he talked about was you, and I see the way he looks at you when you're not looking. Stop thinking of reasons why you shouldn't be together and start thinking of reasons why you should."
Alice blinks, and then nods quickly. Adrian doesn't know if she was talking about her, or herself.
She wants to just crawl in a hole and just sleep, but she has to stay strong.
She has to.
They head back to the waiting room and it's close to six in the morning now. Alice heads to Henry's side by the snack machine, and holds his hand, no words said and Adrian wishes them the best because they deserve it. Camille and Leo have both settled down into seats and Adrian decides to stand by the glass, too filled with adrenaline to sit down. Cindy stands up, goes by her side, and rubs her lower back and Adrian rests her head on her mother's shoulder.
A few minutes pass and through one of the double doors, a doctor emerges. The room stands still on alert. Dylan's parents and Leo are quickly out of their seats and on the other side of the room where the doctor meets them. "Your daughter is going to pull through," he breathes and a visible weight is literally lifted from their shoulders. "She's going to pull through just fine."
"And Ben?" Leo asks, voice gravelly. "What about my son?"
"Your son is going to be fine as well, he's in the last stages of his surgery, and family can come in, in about another hour or so." The doctor nods. "Who is kin here?"
"Everyone," Leo says, and Adrian takes her head off of Cindy's shoulder to look at him. "That's his sister and brother," Leo says, regarding Alice and Henry. "And that young lady right there is my daughter-in law," and Adrian's eyes well over. Even after everything she put his son through, he still considers her family. He doesn't owe her anything, and yet he still finds a way to give her everything.
The doctor nods, surveying everyone, and doesn't question it. "It's going to have to be one at a time, at the moment. Since there are so many. For right now, his physical state is stable but unlike the young lady, he suffered severe head trauma so only time will tell how he will react upon waking up."
Adrian knows there's more to this; there has to be because why mention it? Always with a legal state of mind, she knows he's putting all of this delicately and on a need to know basis.
But her heart is swelling because Benny is going to be fine. He's going to be fine and everything is as it's supposed to be, with Ben still alive.
She exhales and finally, it's like she can breathe again. Ben's alive. It's all that matters.
Bunny and her family go into Dylan's room at the same time, since it's only the three of them.
The waiting room is quiet, but there's a renewed energy, especially now that Leo has gone in, but then who gets to go after that?
She's being ridiculous. Adrian knows she's being ridiculous. She has the least claim over going at all. She's just an ex. She once mothered his child and she's not in his life anymore. All she really has is a ring, her gorgeous sapphire ring. She looks down at it again, and it's more than just a ring. It's symbolic of their time together, it's his favorite color, and even if it takes him 20 years, he wants that ring to be hers.
Alice and Henry come up to her, hand in hand. "We want you to go before us," They say in unison, and she never thought she'd be happy to see them back to their dorky Asian selves. Adrian shakes her head automatically but Alice isn't hearing a thing of it. "I told you he wanted to see you last night, and I'm sure that there was a reason for that," Alice says with a small smile.
Adrian finds herself growing fond of this girl. No wonder she's Ben's best friend. She nods and stands nervously when the waiting room door opens and Leo comes out, brow line creased. Immediately Camille goes by his side, "How is he?" The blonde asks.
"His condition is stable, thank God," Leo breathes. The crease grows deeper, "He just looks so…broken, you know? He's not going to be awake for a while," He shakes his head and turns to the room at large. "The room is open guys, only one at a time."
Alice and Henry turn to Adrian, Henry giving her an encouraging nod, and Adrian takes a deep breath and walks up to Leo. She bites her lower lip and she's so grateful for the man in front of her but doesn't really know how to convey it. "Mr. Boykewich…"
He gathers her in his large arms and she leans her head on his shoulder, "Thank you." She says finally.
She lets him go and walks past him to the double doors, dreading every step it takes to get to his room.
On the way, she sees Bunny and her family leave Dylan's room which is opposite of Ben's, and Bunny looks Adrian up and down before leaving. And yes, Adrian knows the woman doesn't like her, and Adrian couldn't give two fucks. As far as she's concerned, Dylan got Ben high and rode passenger with him behind the wheel; she's no one to judge her. She stands with her head held high and walks right past them without another glance. So what if their daughter is Ben's girlfriend and she's his ex? That doesn't mean that she doesn't care about him, not by a longshot.
She grips the handle to the room, and pauses. She closes her eyes, takes a shuddering breath, and opens them again. And then she twists the knob.
The room is a single, of course, and spacious, but still a hospital room with a hospital bed and the same sterile, cold chill that death passed by here at one point. Ben, or a shadow of Ben at least, is on the cot, covered by a sheet and one leg suspended in the air by a lift and concealed in a cast. The blip of his pulse from the heart monitor mirrors the speed of every step it takes for her to reach his bedside and when she finally is close enough to peer at his face, she almost wishes she didn't.
A gash, neatly stitched, is above his left eyebrow and the entire right portion of his face is bruised a purple deep enough to almost match obsidian. A wire connected to the septum of his nose for oxygen, another through his deltoid for the IV. From his brow line up, covered in gauze, and she brushes her fingers against the bandage and underneath is a tuff of hair. So the doctors didn't have to shave of his head, and there's one thing that's normal, at least.
She lightly traces the pad of her finger across his left cheek, and winces when she feels another cut that was out of view before. She retracts her hand like it was something scalded, and then returns her thumb to run across his lower lip. His right eye is swollen shut, and his left is plainly untouched, as if it could open at any moment.
"Damn it Benny…" She murmurs with a shake of her head. "What'd you do? Why couldn't you just-"
"Call me," Adrian smirks with flirtatious eyes, and the pad of her manicured thumb brushes against Ben's stunned lips.
Adrian's eyes squeeze shut defiantly and she covers her mouth to suppress the sob bubbling from her throat. She swallows past another lump and opens her eyes, red and focused, "I would have come. I would have been pissed at you, but I still would have come. And why are you doing this? Why are you doing drugs and hurting yourself like this? You're a -"
"-rich kid. He's been totally protected his whole life from anything messy like this. I mean, he's a nice guy. He's a romantic guy, but I don't think he can deal with reality. Not this kind of reality, not without suffering the rest of his life."
Her eyes start stinging again, and she wipes it with her index finger. Settling down in the seat next to his bedside, she finds his hand lying limply by his side, a bandage around his palm from where he tried to stop the impact, and she reaches out and clasps it in her own. Her hands are small and warm and his is large and cold and she traces on of the protruding veins with her thumb, rubbing her hands against his and hoping that some of the warmth with transfer to him, somehow.
"Ben Boykewich," Adrian says clearly. "You're not going leave me, okay? I can't deal with it. You promised me that you'd never leave me-"
"Even if we're nothing more than friends," Ben tells her with the confidence she adores.
"And you don't lie, so don't start now." Adrian shakes her head, "Remember when you told me that we'd always need each other, and I told you I didn't need anyone?" She asks, heart pounding in her ears, not waiting for a reply. "I lied. I lied because I didn't want to get hurt the way I did when Mercy died, ever again. And I didn't want to rely on anyone the way I relied on you because it hurt me when you didn't want me around. And I wanted to hurt you the same way you hurt me, so I pushed you away. And I kept pushing you away because I didn't want to face you after everything I put you through. I couldn't even face what I put you through and you know that I never regret anything," She says with a teasing smile, as if Ben would wake up in the next moment and agree.
He doesn't. The only thing that answers her is an echoing blip.
Her smile wanes. "The only thing I truly regret is hurting you. We both hurt each other, intentionally and unintentionally, and… I need you, Ben." She rests her chin on the rail beside his bed with half lidded eyes.
The room is quiet again with the exception of his pulse, still there, still beating, still strong, and she still rubs his hand, which has warmed considerably since she started and for the first time in a while, she lets the blip…blip…blip…
Lull her to sleep.
Crap. Another story. Somebody stop me!
But seriously, this plotbunny has been in my mind for a while. You're going to have to bear with me (like usual) and it will make more sense as it goes on. I'm in university now, so I'll try to keep updates frequent (but I suck at that, so, no promises)
I tried to keep things as accurate as possible, with HIPAA in mind, and the waiting room and whatnot, but I'm sure I got something wrong (so I ask that this is ignored).
Reviews save baby seals, so you should save one. :)
DAC
