It was better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

Those are the most grim, sad, hopefilled, and brave words I have ever heard in my life. I pondered over those words every night before I went to sleep, for two straight years, the years you were gone. Not much has changed except my perspective. You're not stupid, Shepard but I'm hoping you'll be stupid enough to forgive me, a man who has lost the woman he loves a second time. I would strive prove to you that forgiving me would not be an act of stupidity or ignorance. I would try to repay you for your forgiveness with every step I take.

Ash once told me that if I had trouble talking to you I should woo you with Shakespear. I started with reading one of the classics, Romeo and Juliet. As time passed I started seeing the melancholy similarities. I don't understand why people have problems with happy endings. Everyone says they're cliché but in real life they're anything but. I realized this similarty later. I'm not sure if you've ever read it, one of the many things I hadn't been able to ask you, but if you have, then you know how Juliet feels to find Romeo dead. I felt like Juliet when you left, and I keep telling myself to wake up and see you laying next to me, safe and sound.

But I was not dreaming and just like with Romeo, you did not leave poison on your lips for me to taste, a last chance to kiss you while in the land of the living. We didn't even have remains to lay in peace. My only moments of serenity was when I was alone with you on the first Normandy and I hope you found serenity in those moments as well.

It funny how the words love and lost start with the same two letters but the last two put them on opposite ends of the scale. Love is when you breath for a person and are willing to stop breathing just for them.. Just for you. And when you lose them your heart dies. If you touch your wrist or neck you can feel its beats but when I would sleep at night and try to wrap my arms around you just to find more emptiness, I would feel the cold constricting pain grow ever stronger in my chest.

My last attempt at explaining Horizon was pitiful, even to me, but to my drunken eyes it must have seemed like a fitting excuse. There is not an excuse for what I said. When i saw you I lasped back into a memory that never healed. I could see the flames and could feel the burns on my finger tips from when I scrambled to get my armor on in minst of the fire. I could hear the screams of fellow crew mates and the crack of Pressly's skull as his head hit the hull... I could hear the last call of your name before they stopped searching for you.

Its better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

I have loved you- I still love you- and I'm praying I haven't lost you forever.

-Kaidan