S/J Double drabble. Written for Penguin's Challenge 24. Prohibited thing; desire thing. –French saying. Just trying to get my mojo back. Nothing to see here.

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He wonders, sometime around the eight month mark, if he only finds her attractive because he knows she is so out of bounds. And out of his league. And it would never work anyway, so shut up and stop thinking about it.

He wonders again, when he catches her crying over her father's newly discovered diagnosis, if he only cares this much because he knows he can't do anything for her anyway.

When he learns that there is another version of them who placed rings on each other's fingers, and he kisses her, and she kisses him like she knows exactly what she's doing, he considers if he could ever imagine himself doing the same.

He knows his answer barely a year later.

And then he wonders no longer. Because he knows now. He wants her because he can't have her. And then he wants her some more.

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Saudade: a word that has no immediate translation in English. Saudade describes a deep emotional state of nostalgic longing for an absent something or someone that one loves. It often carries a repressed knowledge that the object of longing might never return.