The feeling had come on like a sickness – ice cold spread through her body as she stood alone on the balcony of the penthouse, staring aimlessly into the darkness. The million pinpoints of lights of Los Angeles usually captivated her, but tonight everything seemed bleak and empty. Chloe felt a chill continue through her body, despite the warm south California night. She had never felt so tired or spent, maybe when she'd have birth to Trixie or when she'd been poisoned, but that had all been a blur. In a way, this was too. She'd said the words "I love you," her heart beating madly because she was so scared to say them out loud. A year ago, she would have said it and her biggest worry would have been if Lucifer would stick around, would he get bored, what would people think? He could be selfish and thoughtless and she often thought he saved the best parts of him to show to her. She had to really be paying attention sometimes, but the goodness was always there.
After she saw his true face, the world seemed so much smaller. People who didn't know about heaven and hell seemed so clueless and oblivious. Part of her longed for those days when she was one of those ignorant people, occupying their minds with grocery lists and family vacations and upcoming job performance reviews for some mundane occupation. But heaven and hell existed. The true battle between good and evil. And she'd been amongst these celestial beings for years – angels and demons…the devil. Talk about clueless.
Chloe had been through every emotion, rational and irrational and thought since that fateful day when she'd seen Lucifer's true self. What he really was, or so she thought. She never imagined she'd ever see him again like the old Lucifer she knew before. It had taken her so long to reconcile those two faces – one so beautiful and perfect, the other terrifying and unworldly. But everything he had told her over their time together had been the truth. Damn right he was scarier and rawer in his other form, but when she told him she loved him, she could honestly admit she accepted both sides of him, because there really was only one. It was like seeing two separate piece that didn't really make sense until they were put together.
Chloe blinked, remembering where she was. She reluctantly turned away from the balcony because she knew he wasn't coming back. He'd said goodbye twice – one meant for her and she thinks the second goodbye was to make it real to himself, so he would go through with it. She surveyed his trashed penthouse. She felt like how it looked – disarray, chaos, broken. Her body ached. She was so tired. She momentarily considered laying on his couch – where she and Maze had roused him from sleep just hours earlier, but she couldn't stay a moment longer. The emptiness of him not being there with her anymore was too much for her heart to take. She walked to the elevator, stopping, wondering if she should take something of his to hold onto – a dress shirt that she had admired him in or one of the fancy, cut-glass liquor bottles that he drank out of so often – she knew he wouldn't care. But it felt like removing a belonging of someone who had died. Besides, she didn't need any reminders – the man was everywhere – in her heart and head, on her lips and skin. His presence was a tattoo, a permanent and constant reminder of his absence. Chloe stepped into the elevator, leaning her head against the back wall, closing her eyes so she wouldn't have to see the doors close on a place she may never see again.
Chloe lay awake, eyes open in the darkness, the loneliness of being awake in the middle of the night amplified a hundred fold. "It's you Chloe. It always has been." The words echoed painfully in her ears. Words she'd wished to hear from Lucifer's lips so many times, seemed haunting now. Part of her wishes she'd never heard them because after he had left, she could have eventually accepted that he didn't feel the same way. She would have assumed that Eve was Lucifer's first love and what she felt for him wasn't reciprocated. She would have been sad and certainly missed him, but knowing he had loved her for so long and she could finally truthfully accept his love was excruciating. For that brief moment, seconds even, they had it – perfect love. One feeling the same way as the other, accepting every good and dark side of the other. Words pairing, lips knowing, tear melding. Knowing he loved her too, was crushing her. Chloe turned over on her other side, the tears flowing freely and silently. Not that she couldn't have had a good, loud, sobbing cry followed by a bottle or two of wine. Trixie was at Dan's so the house was absolutely quiet and still.
Where was he, she wondered in the blackness. Was he thinking of her, feeling the anguish of their distance or was he having to forget everything that had happened just so he could carry on? She wanted to forget everything to make the pain stop, but she wanted to remember every moment too. Especially if Lucifer didn't have that luxury. She would remember for the both of them, she decided. Although as hard as she held onto the memories, they may just die with her. Would he ever return to her? Would she be old and frail by then, a stark contrast to his unchanging, beautiful tempting face and body that resembled a sculpture that should be roped off in a museum, where only the most priceless art was displayed. Chloe closed her eyes, willing sleep to come to put her out of her misery. So this is what a hell loop felt like, she thought.
The next day, Chloe called her work and took some personal time. Dan had dropped off Trixie after school, giving her a look of concern that was almost her undoing. Chloe held her daughter tightly after Dan had left. Trixie pulled away, an eyebrow raised in confusion. "I was only gone one day," she reminded her mom.
"I know Monkey," Chloe said, trying to smile. "I just really missed you." Her daughter took in her pale face and dark circles under her slightly swollen eyes. Sliced cucumbers only got you so far.
"What's wrong Mama?"
"Chloe shook her head. "Nothing's wrong. I just haven't been feeling very well. I took off a few days from work."
Now her daughter looked concerned. "You never miss work," Trixie reminded her.
Yes, Chloe was driven, hardworking, dedicated – sometimes to her detriment and even if she was sick, she often dragged herself to work. But that impressive attendance record was partly because she had someone at work waiting for her, to bounce ideas off, to try not to laugh at his frequent, off-colour jokes and to roll her eyes at his flirty remarks – sometimes just a look, a wink, a brief touch was enough to fluster her and make her babble on about the case they were working on. It was all to cover up the fact that she was not immune to Lucifer's charms. She was only human and imagining those dark eyes, seemingly looking into her soul, made her sigh even now.
The following night was the same for Chloe. Awake, fresh tears, thoughts flowing – hopes, fears, loss, longing – looped around in her mind again and again. Why did they finally find their way to each other, only to be torn apart again? Chloe knew the world wasn't fair. All they'd gone through, the pushing and the pulling, the laughter and smiles and tears and frustration followed by the fear and mistrust and finally coming around to mutual love. What a cruel twist of fate that had been awaiting them. Hell actually existed, Chloe reminder herself. Maybe this is what it felt like.
The next day, Chloe had gotten Trixie off to school then crawled back into bed, trying to forget, then finally succumbing and yearning to recall every moment – his soft touch, his hand on her cheek, wiping away tears, lips against hers – that one brief fleeting moment. Could she have said more, done more, she asked the torturous question again. She'd practically begged on her knees for him to stay, crying with no control, which she'd never done for anyone before. Lucifer had looked at her with hope and love, maybe even a little pity, then loss for the both of them. But Lucifer had it so much worse, she reminded herself. Chloe was here on Earth with her daughter and family and friends while Lucifer was in literal hell. He was carrying out his obligation that needed to be fulfilled to keep everyone safe. The man who could be selfish and thoughtless had committed the ultimate act of sacrifice, leaving the place and people that had made his first home to protect them all…to protect her. It had been his final act on this earth and it had been in love. Lucifer had denied himself his first love to keep them all away from the depths of hell.
As Chloe closed her eyes and eventually succumbed to a restless sleep, so exhausted that her body wouldn't be denied, she could swear as she drifted off, that she heard his voice – sweet, playful and seductive, the word she longed to hear with all her heart…"Detective."
