My "I Hate Orleggy Bloomleaf" stories. I mean no physical harm to Orlando Bloom, or the character of Legolas.

Just him. Bwa-ha-ha. Don't read if you're squeamish. :P

Legolas Greenleaf was dancing through Mirkwood one fine day when all of a sudden, he felt a sharp pain in his left leg! He looked down in amazement to see what could be causing his poor footsie such pain, when he saw a rabid chipmunk! It was gnawing his ankle furiously.

Almost as furiously, he pulled out his bow and arrow, and shot himself in the foot! With a scream, he fell on his back, and sobbed like a baby! Blinking away the tears, what did he see above him looking into his face but a giant spider! The spider opened its mouth, revealing giant fangs! Its breath was so bad, the elven prince almost passed out. Snarling furiously, the spider clamped onto the elf's soft, sleek, smooth hair and dragged him across the woodland floor to its web, so that it could punch its poison stinger into Leggy's chest cavity and then suck his bloody pulpy bodily organs out through his nasal passages with a straw.

Legolas screamed like a sissy girl, and then poked the spider in the eye. The spider roared with anger, and then Leggy dislodged the rabid chipmunk from his ankle, and threw it at the spider. The two animals fought furiously, and Leggy-boy was able to hobble away. But soon, he discovered he was lost in the most spidery part of Mirkwood, with night coming on!

All of a sudden, an one-eyed very angry spider dropped onto his head! The elven prince's neck was broken instantly! Needless to say, there was at least one well-fed spider in the woods that day, along with its best friend the chipmunk.

The end.

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