Seinfeld Fanfiction: The Bikelock System
STANDUP:
Jerry: Why do they call it Jay? IT'S NOT HAY!
(the audience roars with laughter, a clear sign that Jerry Seinfeld is going to die in this episode)
ACT 1:
(Jerry is making a piece of toast using nothing but his feet, causing his to slice his big toe off)
(Kramer destroys Jerry's door)
Kramer: Mr. Jerry, did you see the playoff at the Super Bowl? Kakrsa Satan killed half of the members!
Jerry: No Kramer, I haven't, but I recorded it! Yay! Woohoo! Yeah! Oh wow! Yay!
(Kramer and Jerry cheering goes on for another minute until Jerry punches Kramer in the face)
Kramer: What be that for mah frand?
Jerry: I don't like you and I don't like your face!
Kramer: We can work something out! :)
(the background changes from Jerry's apartment, to a beautiful rainbo)
Jerry: I'm so sorry for punching you in the face! I should have punched myself in the face!
(George suddently walks in to Jerry's apartment with a look of guilt on his face)
Kramer: What's wrong Mr. Gargfield?
George: You know what.
Jerry: No we don't! Tell us before I stick a pencil in yo eye!
George: No!
(Jerry grabs a pencil and pokes out George's eye)
George: AGGAGAAGAGAAGAG!1FNSRGR AAHAAHAHA! NO NO! OW! OOWWOWOWOW!
Jerry: Will you tell us now?
George: NO! ERAH! ERAH! ERAH!
(Jerry pokes out Georges other eye, blinding him for the rest of his life)
[the setting is now at Monkey's Cafe or whatever it's called]
(Elaine is sitting with a strange man is a black coat)
Man: You gotsa my money?
Elaine: What money? Monkey? Monky?
(the audience members begin roaring with laughter, however, most of the members are seven year old children and forty year old men)
Man: Justa give it toa me!
Elaine: Okay, but you owe me! I can't afford to loose anymore kittens!
(Elaine gives the man jaksakazillion dollars)
Man: Thunk Gawd ya gave me da money! Nowa I won't havea to kill you!
Elaine: Better then you killing my mother! Ha haer!
Man: I KILLED HER! WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH!
Elaine: That's okay, mother is just a term for robots made to murder internet cel-
(Elaine breaks down into tears because this is the 90's and she spoke of the internet)
(the set explodes and the actors are wounded)
[the classic music plays as the strange man pulls out a pocket knife and runs out of the building]
ACT 2:
[the setting is now back at Jerry's apartment where screams of terror can be heard]
Jerry: Hey Krazalamata, you want a drinkzalamata?
Kramer: Of course! Who do you think I am? Cleverbot?
(the audience is confused and the actors break into tears for fifty minutes)
George: Anyways, where do you think I can find a new woman?
Jerry: I know where you can, but you have to tell us the secret!
George: FINE! FINE! Fine, fine. Okay, I was out on a date, and I threw my wife out of the window!
Kramer: Wow, that musta suckaed! Why?
George: Shut up Kramal! Tell me where I can find a woman!
Jerry: At Markaosmkfmdgk Avenue, go to the sewers and eat a beard! Then jump off a b-
(the DVD is frozen, just give it a second)
(DISC IS FIXED)
George: Wow! That's all I have to do? Wow!
Jerry: Yeperayams!
(George grabs some mustard and throws it at Jerry Seinfeld)
Kramer: Mwahahahaha!
Jerry: Lawl
George: HA
(Elaine walks into the apartment, never mentioning the events that took place in Cafe Monkey)
Elaine: Jerry? Can I have seventeen million dollars?
Jerry: Why?
Elaine: So I can pay for some TV! Gahl!
Jerry: No. Way. No. How. No. Cheese. No. Kill. No. Die.
Elaine: NO NO NO NO! SHUT UP AND GIVE ME THE MONEY!
(Elaine grabs a gun and shoots out Jerry's window)
Jerry: Awa! Comea on! I have to pay for that!
(The two get into a brawl which leads to them falling out of the window)
George: Where's Superman? He'll save us!
Kramer: Let's see what's on TV!
(Kramer uses a kitchen knife to turn on the TV)
THE NEWS: George Coachstanderbell was seen at the site of the crime, for now, we have reason to suspect he is responsible for the death of Joarka Coachstanderbell.
George: Oh no! They know!
Kramer: This is stupid!
(Kramer changes the channel to Beavis & Butthead, which causes Kramer to have seizures and pass out)
George: Why are Beamvis and Bertherd eating a bana?
(George grabs a bana and jumps out of Jerry's window)
(The remaining footage of ACT 2 is a still photo Kramer passed out on Jerry's floor)
ACT 3:
[the setting is now at the hospital]
Some Guy: Mr. Kramer, I'm afraid they're all dead.
Kramer: Wha? Huh?
Some Guy: They died on impact.
Kramer: I was passed out, so I wouldn't know.
Some Guy: I'm so so sorry, you want a bana?
Kramer: No, I'm going to protest Velis & Baerbhet, that show gave me seizures!
Some Guy: NOT IF I CAN STOP YOU!
(Some Guy pulls out a gun and shoots Kramer)
Kramer: Nice try! I'm imortal!
(Kramer shoots lazers from his eyes, killing the doctor instantly)
Kramer: Alaavista. BABEH!
(Kramer turns into a werewolf and jumps out of the nearest window)
{THE CREDITS ROLL AS IT IS THE END OF THE EPISODE}
