"Oh, c'mon, Luce—you know I'd die for you."
Those words have haunted me for months. I can still hear it even now; the soft, almost joking tone in which Lockwood had filled me with joy and plunged a cold knife into my heart in the same breath. The way his lips had quirked into a gentle, lighthearted grin did nothing to ease the pain his words brought me.
The worst part was that I knew he'd meant it. After all, I had plenty of proof—just a few weeks beforehand, in the Wintergarden house, he had almost killed himself in his attempt to save me. Not to mention the countless times in the previous eighteen months when he had put other's safety above his own.
Don't get me wrong; I don't think Lockwood wanted to die. He was protective, not suicidal. But that didn't mean he wouldn't put himself in harm's way for me over and over again. I knew he would.
That was just the kind of person Lockwood is.
"You know I'd die for you."
If the words of the Fetch hadn't catalyzed my fear for the future, Lockwood's certainly had. He was right. I did know, and it terrified me beyond words to think about.
But this was all easily solved. The Fetch had told me that it was my doing, so I simply needed to remove myself from the situation. Without me, Lockwood would live.
No matter how much I loved him, there was no way in hell I would be selfish enough to stay and endanger him further—and yes, you heard me right. It didn't dawn on me until the drive home to Portland Row after the Chelsea incident, but I finally realized why my heart ached and my breath nearly stopped every time he looked me in the eyes… or why the sight of the Fetch, in that grisly, deathly disguise, had driven despair so deep into my soul that it seemed it would never leave me. The revelation put the whole dilemma into startling clarity—and if anything sharpened my resolve.
Anyone'd be hard pressed to get me to admit my feelings out loud, least of all to Lockwood himself. I had no idea what response that kind of thing would elicit from him, and a large portion of me never wanted to find out. Telling him, telling anyone, was beyond my capabilities, and would likely be a waste of time anyway.
Now that I was gone, though, at least I could admit it to myself. It's not like I would be seeing him again.
I don't know if I would be able to bear it if I did. As it turns out, my heart is a lot more delicate than I'd wanted to believe.
A/n: that line has been echoing around in my head for the past week and a half, and it made ME feel like all the wind had been knocked out of me - so you can imagine how that affected poor Lucy.
There might be more drabbles/one-shots later, but I'm waiting for some rando to return the TCS audiobook to my school library so I can listen to it. I am beyond impatient about this, which has led to me breaking my #1 rule about fanfics: don't start reading anything until you've caught up, or you'll get spoiled. And boy, have I... now I need to hurry up and read TCS so I can stop myself from coming up with horrid theories about everything. Don't you spoil it for me!
A/N 2: LMAO THE SECOND I POSTED THIS I GOT A NOTIFICATION THAT THE BOOK WAS AVAILABLE... im literally so excited I could cry right now. J. Stroud knows exactly how to hook me on a book series...
