this is a direct follow on from the 'coming home with you/ between two heavenly bodies/ the last red alert' stories and precedes 'Indiana Idyll'. Yes, I am weaving back in time, mostly because I want to write some more light hearted small fics having just finished the rather epically longer than expected 'crossing the rubicon'! This one, however, just seemed to have a plan of its own.

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I awake pinned down. Deliciously, Kathryn is sprawled across me, our legs entangled, her arm across my chest, and her head nuzzling my side, snug under my arm. Occasional snuffling sounds escape her. i cannot help the huge grin that plasters across my face. This is peace, this is home. This is exactly how our life should be. Half of my brain is just internally swearing in surprised delight, overwhelmed with the last 12 hours of love. The rest is starting to replay last night in glorious technicolour. That moment when our destiny came. The moment when we kissed, hell more than kissed, when we finally stopped resisting what has always been between us and instead launched together. That kiss, etched forever in my soul. Fuck. Here I am, in my bed, with Kathryn, and we spent most of the night... Spirits.

Most of me is outrageously smug, heart expandingly overwhelmed by the enormity of the situation. Spirits, I have Kathryn in my bed, kathryn who loves me. still loves me, has always loved me. Part of me is terrified. Yes, i am terrified that she will regret me, that seven years of concealment has hidden who we really are. I am not that proud, trim, angry warrior, semi-feral and strong. The years have been hard, and I have lost some of my pride, sense of who I really am. The dalliance with Seven being a symptom of this. I am terrified that when we start talking, really talking, the bitterness over some of our poor decisions may blow us apart. Or we might hold together out of a doomed sense of loyalty. As I follow these thoughts, my joy starts to diminish.

I look down at Kathryn. My heart flips over, and the doubts recede. She looks peaceful. I know that she is confident about us. I will need her to be confident for both of us. It is a very long time since I woke up to a lover in my bed. It suggests a level of commitment that I have just not been able to make. In the dreams I have held onto, I have wanted Kathryn, I have wanted her partnership, love, a future and a family. Now that it seems possible, part of me just wants to run, run before I mess it up, or before the heartbreak if I lose her. Spirits, how did I become such a coward.

I become aware that her breathing has changed, and looking at her again, her blue eyes are gazing at me. My heart stretches again, as i am filled with love. I cannot help but smile down at her, as she pull herself up on my chest and kisses me gently. I deepen the kiss, and let the doubts be pushed to the edge of my mind. This is the woman I love, the woman I have always loved. As she wraps her fingers in my hair and slides herself over me, increasing our connection. I feel my body sing with my heart, I know that this is right.

Her hands start to trail down from my hair, caressing my face and rest on my chest. I can feel her thinking, a question forming and I stop her pushing up from me by the simple expedient of flipping us over. Now it is my hands tracing, investigating, feather soft. My lips and tongue questing, pressing, desiring. Her thinking trails away with a low moan and whispering of my name as if I am her answer. It is the love in those three syllables that is my undoing. No one has ever said my name like that. I murmur endearments as I worship her, she breathes out my name. I am strong in this love, I am centered, I am both proud and humbled. I am complete. together we share our love, our delight, releasing the last seven years. together we receive absolution.

I have never felt the transcendent power of lovemaking like this. Collapsing by her side i keep our hands entwined. Facing each other, we have mirrored grins. 'I love you, Chakotay' she breathes. still panting, resplendent in post arousal bliss. I bring my lips to her ear 'I absolutely love you, Kathryn Janeway'. She laughs with pure joy, and as the computer tells me it is time to wake up, she swings out of bed and walks to the head. There is something settling about watching your lover shower and joining her. Laughing as you soap. Sneaking a caress here and a kiss there.

Showered, dressed and I see my lover, Kathryn, transform back into the Captain. I stand beside her, First officer again. But this time, she has her hand on her tilted hip, her 'winning' face on and her voice is gravel as she smiles up at me. 'so, what will it be, Chakotay? we have spent seven years suffering with my parameters and protocols. You have command.' i hesitate 'Kathryn, I'm not sure what you are suggesting?' I swear that she has rolled her eyes at me. 'Chakotay, I have made my feelings for you damn clear' and she wafts her hand at her still wrapped present on my table 'and I am committed in every way. But since we have run my way until now, and I am not overwhelmingly successful at relationships, I think you can take point. your speed, your direction' I am not sure where speech has gone, and she moves closer to stroke my tattoo 'second thoughts?' with worry clouding her face, and I shake my head 'never, Kathryn, I guess, I have really not thought alot ahead of where we are now!' clearly this is a lie, as I have thought about this for seven years, but now it is here... instead I draw her close and gently kiss her. 'breakfast?' i suggest. She grins 'in the mess?' and I escort her there.