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Becoming a Mum

~*~

Grace Beauchamp

Born: 1st May 2007

Holby City Genral Hospital

8:30pm


You see this time, last week i was so close to switching of my daughters life support machine, i mean she couldn't breathe on her own, seeing her in that incubator, nurses around her every 5 minutes, it just broke my heart...

It's a miracle she's here with me now, tucked up in my arms, wrapped up in so many blankets keeping her warm, my beautiful baby Grace, her big brown eyes staring up at me, her little mouth opening wide, yawning as i take here to the car..she's still so small and fragile, i don't really won't to move her, scared i may drop her...but putting her in the car seat i smile, my brightest smile..her big brown eyes close, and before i know it she sound asleep...

Closing the door quietly not wanting to wake her, i check once more, i have got everything, before i leave the hospital... Nappys, blankets baby grows ...

Of course i know, that from now on my nights, will never be peaceful. waking up at 2/3 am in the morning, knowing Grace will want a feed, it's just something i'm going to have to get used to...

Arriving home, i take Grace inside, i smile at her as she still sleeps soundly in my arms, in the silence all i can hear is her breathing softly, walking in to the living room..i place her on the sofa, she stirs slightly, her mouth opening and closing as i gently, unbutton the bottom of her baby grow, in order to change her nappy...

*

I wake up, to the shrill, crys of a baby..feeling confused, i sit up in my bed looking over to see a cot at the end, jumping back to reality i climb out of bed, and walk over to the cot, where i see Grace curled up, the blankets still, wrapped around her...i lift her out slowly, and cuddle her..feeling the warmth of her body on my chest.

'Hello you' i whisper

'Your a hungry little girl, aren't you?'

Trying to calm her down, rub her back gently...as her crys get louder i take her down stairs, putting her mosses, basket that lay on the floor in the living room,i walk briskly in to the kitchen, to start making up her bottle...

A few moments later i walk back in, to see her chewing her fingers gurgling, with a stray tear, down her face i pick her up and place her in my arms....i begin to feed her stroking the top of her fore head gently in circles before wiping the tear from her cheek, i hum a tune to her..as smile with joy.

I mean...

Who says it going to be easy i know full well it's going to be hard, first time mother and all, but it all worth it, to know my bright baby girls going to grow up healthy..i love her with all my heart.

***

My first day back at work has arrived, a couple of months to look after a newborn baby, isn't that long off i know, but i have a hospital to run, and to be honest i feel like the place has been running riot without me!...i wondering whether to take Grace to the on-site cresh but to be honest i think she's a bit to young at the moment, so until i get a nanny i have no other option but to leave her with Sam...

Waking up at 5 means i have to wake Grace up as well, it's surprising she's slept in for once, but i suppose as she growing, her sleep pattern changes too. As i walk over to the cot, i lift her out rubbing her stomach gently, she starts to whimper, i cradle her in my arms before taking her down stairs ready for her breakfast....

Feeding her i found hard this morning, she wouldn't seem to take the bottle she kept pushing the it away i mean every morning she would guzzle it down like there was no tomorrow!, but this morning she just wasn't having any of it, i had been trying for the best of half hour.

She was looking all hot and bothered and agitated...from trashing about...

'Oh, i give up Grace',i put the bottle on the table next to where i'm sitting, and lay Grace on the soft mat near the television, while i sort myself out ready for work...

*

Now 6:30 i decided to give Sam a ring, he had a week of himself, so was quite happy to look after her, and her was due to arrive at 7

With Grace, dressed and ready for the day, i made myself a quick coffee before Sam arrived...i sat on the sofa watching Grace chatting to the television, in her own little world...

*

Sam held Grace in his arms, rocking her from side to side..as i started of the conversation

'Now Sam i'm going to make this clear to you, first off check her nappy often, you do know how to change a nappy don't you?'

Sam rolls his eyes 'Oh, come on Connie of course i do'

'I hope you do, and if there's any problems ring me, sterilised bottle's are on in the dishwasher..., put the used bottles in a sink full of hot water when finished'

'Connie!'

'Don't give her any solid foods stick to, milk and baby food ONLY right hand cupboard in the kitchen'

'Connie!'

'And listen out for the baby monitor if she falls asleep an-'

'- Connie! i will be fine here, go on your going to be late for work!'

'Don't forget to wipe up any sick!' i shout as i walk out the door...

****

Arriving back home, after a busy day..i get out the car, and walk up to the front door...

I throw my keys on to the side, and hang my coat on the rack...walking in to the living room finding Sam asleep on the sofa, and Grace asleep on her soft mat on the floor...

'Sam!, Sam get up' i shake him

'ummm, what?'

'Hows Grace been?' Sam sits up rubbing his eyes

'What?'

'For goodness sake Sam! hows Grace been? for the second time'

'Well she hasn't eaten much today, at lunch i had to force her to take her bottle, she was having a right tantrum'

'Well she didn't take her bottle when i feed her this morning before you came either'

I walk over to Grace, and instantly touch her forehead...

'Sam, she's burning hot'

I then touch her hands, which seems cold enough

'What was she like when you feed her at lunch?'

'Agitated...'

I nod, then pick her up, of the mat...she wakes up, but a few moments later starts crying, i try calm her down, but her cries seem to get louder, Sam looks at me worriedly...

'Holby...?'

Sam nods 'could be nothing, but better to be safe than sorry'

*

Walking up to the children's ward, in the hospital, butterflies start to flutter in my stomach feeling queasy as i look at my daughter instantly thinking the worst, i mean it's weird how she can fall i'll only 2 months after born...looking down i wipe a tear from her eye, she had stopped crying but was still whimpering

Walking along the corridor, with Sam we finally reached the ward i pressed, the buzzer and they let us in...explaining the situation, to the nurse they took Grace off me & took her in to a side room...i couldn't help but stand there and shake, i mean Sam could be right it could be nothing but you never know with little ones...

****

What is it about Hospitals, that when your in a situation like this, it makes them seem eary, i mean i work in one everyday,but it just seems different.

I watch Sam pacing around from out the corner of my eye, he looks as half as worried as i do, with all the nurses fussing around her...i tap my fingers on the edge of my coffee cup..just wishing this whole ordeal had never happened.

'Sam sit down' I say in a dulcet tone, he walks over to the chair sits back down, twidderling his thumbs..

'Sorry it's just you were making me feel uncomfortable, do you think she'll get through this?'

I watch Sam for a moment, as he stares at the ground, then looks up.

'yeah she'll get through this Connie she's a fighter like her Mum'

I smile, weakly, taking a small sip of coffee...

*

After 2 hours of waiting, walking up and down stairs, along corridors from ward to ward all the while being sick with worry, the doctor finally comes out...i mean we've seen him walk in the room, during the last few hours just to tell us, 'Everything will be okay' or 'Were still dealing with her to find out what the problem is'

I jump to my feet, as he stands in front of me staring at his name tag 'Dr, Wright', blankly for a couple of seconds, jumping back to reality as i hear the sounds of his voice...

'Is she okay?' I say quickly

Dr Wright looks at me

'As a result of Grace's high temperature' he pauses

Sam cuts in 'yes'

'She has come out in a rash, and were glad to say it's not a meningitis rash, we rolled a tumbler glass, on to her stomach and the rash has disappeared instantly. but she still has, a very high temperature, she will have to stay on this ward for a couple of days until her temperature comes down...

'Okay thankyou' my smile appears on my face, a little bit brighter than before

'Can i/we go sit with her?' Sam smiles at me

'Yes you can but try not to wake, the sleeps doing her good'

I nod, in agreement as i pass the doctor and walk in to the room, seeing her in the big blue cot makes, her look small and fragile, as i walk up and sit beside..her cheeks were glowing red...

I sigh as a tears start to run down my cheeks, i hold her warm sweaty hand, rubbing her fingers softly, happy it's nothing serious..I watch Sam as he sits beside me, as we look at your beautiful daughter Grace...