A/N: Warning - total crack to follow. This was written as a present to someone who likes Sebastian and Kyoya an awful lot. 'Cause if you see one guy, you think it's cute, but two guys, all over each other, with wind blowing in their hair... that's sexy. I'm incapable of writing anything serious, so this... is what I came up with. It's a snarkfest, so if you don't like seeing your favourite characters being mocked to the point of it just being fuckin' ridiculous, then go elsewhere...
But stick around if you want to see these guys dicking it. (Who wouldn't?)
Kyoya watched as Tamaki layered on can after can of deodorant.
"I must smell like the divine! The prettiest of kings, the gentlest of knights, the most fanciful courtier!" Roses seemed to fall out of nowhere into the air, and they littered the floor of the changing room soggily. Kyoya said nothing, he just dried off his hair and started entering the combination for his locker. Class 2-A had just had an hour long lesson in the gym, and everyone was around the boys' locker room, getting changed. Kyoya, having just taken a shower, was wearing nothing but a towel, (and of course his glasses, which were a main addition to his character). The steam still drifted away from his body from the pure hotness of the water. Renge had no less than fifteen cameras hidden about this location, and the various scenes are available for an extortionate amount of money. Tamaki was sparkling, as always, next to him. He would have said that he smelled like a French whore, but he was a French whore, so it wouldn't mean much.
Kyoya, never giving a fuck about anything ever, just kept drying his hair. He had to stay cool about these things in order to keep up his appearances as a neutral evil character. He was perfectly content to just get through the day, and go back home to do some work.
Fate, it seemed, had other plans.
On the other side of the locker room, was Nekozawa. He wasn't altogether that into sports, as he always tripped over his long black cloak when running, but physical education was a required activity. If the mens of Ouran weren't forced to do excessive amounts of training, they might become fat, and therefore not attractive enough for a shoujo manga. And Nekozawa was having a breakdown, talking to his P.E. instructor.
"Swimming?" Nekozawa asked incredulously. "We have to go... swimming?"
The coach put his muscular arms firmly on his hips. He'd had enough of Nekozawa's excuses over the years, and was getting fed up. He always skipped out on P.E., and it was becoming pathetic. "Yes, so take that dingy robe off, and get into your speedo!" He held aloft a thin, skimpy little bathing suit with one finger.
"Never!" Nekozawa insisted. "I shall not embrace the light for that purpose, or any other!" He snickered from underneath his hood, thinking he'd gotten away from skipping P.E. once more. "So if you'd kindly excuse me..." Nekozawa made an attempt to creep towards the door, away from the changing room.
But the coach wouldn't stand for it, he snatched towards Nekozawa's cloak, attempting to pull it off. "You're going to go swimming!" the coach insisted. "And you're going to look totally gorgeous and hot while doing so!"
"Noooooooo...!" Nekozawa cried in a whisper, now flat out running towards the door. But the coach chased after him. Everyone in the changing room stared at the pair, Tamaki's mouth dropped to the floor. The coach managed to grab ahold of Nekozawa's cloak, and pull hard on it. The black magician wailed, as his shroud was taken from him. His hair was exposed to the light, all shimmering and golden, as his wig, too slipped from his head. The fluorescent lights of the changing room glared down at him, and he let out an almost animalistic howl. "Cover! Shadow, I need shadow!" he pleaded, looking about himself in the rawest of frantic desperation.
It just so happened the Kyoya was the closest thing to him. Nekozawa was practically burning in the light, and he had no other choice if he wanted to live. So he pulled the damp towel from around Kyoya's waist, and put it above his head to shadow his face. A muffled sigh of relief came from within the towel. "Ahhhhhhh, darkness again."
Meanwhile Kyoya was completely stark naked in the middle of the changing room in front of everyone. He himself let out a sigh of exasperation, as everyone around him panicked. Knowing full well that he was confident with his appearance, Kyoya just let them look. It wasn't as if they'd get another opportunity. Hidden cameras zoomed in. Yes, let them see...
Wait.
Stahp.
They couldn't see, or they would discover... the secret.
Because – on nothing less than his left ass cheek – was a pentacle. A glowing star within a circle, branded onto the flesh. It was glowing purple, creating a dim hue of ethereal light.
"Kyoya! I didn't know you were so metal!" Tamaki exclaimed, looking down at Kyoya's bared ass. "When did you get that done?!" He bent down to closer inspect the megane's butt. "Wow, that must have really hurt! I've only ever been able to put on temporary tattoos, even they hurt sometimes when you have to scrub them off..."
Kyoya just looked around for his pants, eager to get the attention away from his nether region. "It's not a tattoo, Tamaki," although he suspected explaining it would be in vain, he might as well tell everyone now, before rumours started spreading. He slammed the door of the locker closed as he pulled out his Ouran uniform, and started putting it on. "It's a symbol of a covenant that I made. To represent a contract."
"Woah," Tamaki's eyes widened, and he looked appalled. "I didn't realise you did such intense things in order to gain business contacts. I know your father was harsh on you, but... sheesh!"
Kyoya pushed up his glasses slowly with a middle finger. His pants were back on now, and he was working on his shirt buttons. Everyone was looking at him, but the rest of the school thought that the Host Club was a bunch of homo-bags anyway, and this wasn't all that different from their normal questionable activities. So nobody really cared all that much. "It's not for that kind of business deal. I sold my soul in exchange for having an immortal demon servant who is completely overpowered and will do anything I bid. He will eventually eat my spirit, and bring me to a realm of hell and oblivion."
Tamaki smiled, relieved. "Oh," he closed his eyes and tilted his head, "I'm glad. I thought your father forced you into some kinky dealing. You should follow your own heart Kyoya. I always knew you had a way with demons." He was no doubt thinking of all the high blood pressure evil lord situations.
Kyoya didn't say anything in response to his kind words. His head was pounding from staying up until 7pm last night, and he wanted to get back so he could go to sleep before his proper bed time. Sebastian would be there, but the like-minded butler wouldn't do anything to hinder his work but tuck him into bed, button up his shirt and clean his underwear.
First he had to endure two hours of the Host club.
