AND TEN STEPS BACK AGAIN...

Hey, guys, I was stunned when I checked some SPOILERS after watching the Fox previews... I can't say that I'm very pleased with that turn of events but hey, it shows I definitely don't own House (if I did he wouldn't have slept with anyone during his rehab at Mayfield...). Any hope of seeing House and Cuddy together crushed, I'm still waiting for season 6... We can't always get what we want indeed...

Anyhoo, enjoy...

Chapter one – ooops...

House had been in Mayfield psychiatric Hospital for a month when Cuddy decided that it was time for her to visit him. Both Wilson and herself had decided against it, thinking it would be too hard for House. Now she couldn't take the distance anymore, not seeing him barge into her office or knocking on her door at all hours of the night, pulling unbelievable stunts, looking at her with those intelligent piercing blue eyes, challenging her, staring at her breasts and ass... She missed all that, even the banter, the arguing... Everything about him.

Decided to visit him, she called Wilson, asked him to babysit Rachel. He didn't even have to ask where she was going: he knew all too well where she was headed. He thought about asking her to wait but knew it was useless: her determined voice was unequivocal: nothing would stop her from seeing him.

She drove an hour an a half and arrived in front of the gray and quite scary facility, taking a deep breath and squeezing the wheel in her hands, making her knuckles turn white. She glanced at her face in the rear view mirror, taking in her tired eyes and exhaled a sharp breath before getting off the car. She looked at the depressing gray clouded sky, her hair streaming around her face from the insane wind that threatened to send her flying but she kept walking. Her brain was in overdrive but her thoughts just came too fast for her to process anything.

She got in and watched around: the eggshell color of the walls was supposed to be soothing but really made her nauseous, but not as much as the atmosphere: people talking to themselves and a little old guy crying on her right, ready to be discharged but begging the nurse to keep him there.

'God', she thought, 'what if House didn't want to get out of there when he's relatively cured?'

She wiped this thought from her mind, along with the worried expression on her delicate face and asked to see Gregory House.

Hearing the name, a doctor came to introduce himself, "Dr Nolan" he said, shaking her hand.

"Dr Cuddy, Dean of med..." she started. "I know who you are Dr Cuddy" he stated with a knowing yet professional smile, and asked her to follow him. She figured he knew her name by reputation.

Cuddy walked beside him and Dr Nolan opened a door, letting her go first. She stopped abruptly at the sight before her: House was kissing a blonde doctor. Not believing her eyes, she blinked, then shut her eyes hermetically. When she opened them again, the pair were still kissing before her eyes.

She was petrified for a minute and Dr Nolan, who was behind her and who had been paged just before entering the room, told her it was an emergency and that he would be back in half an hour to discuss House's treatment with her, seemingly oblivious of the scene she was witnessing, of her hurt and shocked expression.

She couldn't breathe, her brain was overwhelmed with thoughts. She was thinking, putting all the facts together: what Wilson had told her about House's delusions, House's weird behavior, shouting that he slept with her, asking her to move in with him, and before that the kiss they shared, every single clue leading her to think that he was in love with her, giving her hope, making her realize she loved him too, had loved him for more than 20 years. Then came the usual feeling of disappointment she always got from him, like that one time she had wanted to thank him for the desk and had found him flirting with a hooker in HER hospital.

Those thoughts were followed by acceptance, the idea that no matter what, he would never love her, the notion that he would never change occurred to her. She was done. All she could think next was that this blonde doctor was unprofessional: how could she kiss someone who obviously had mental issues? Cuddy had felt guilty for wanting House when he was sane (well, as sane as he could be anyway) because she was her boss. She had felt guilty even if she had known him for half her life and here she was, this blonde woman, kissing him shamelessly when she just met him and when he was a patient in a psychiatric hospital. And what about him? It had only taken him 20 years to kiss her and here he was, jumping the first woman he saw!!?

'Okay, now everything is clear: he's an emotionless ass and I'm an idiot' she thought bitterly.

She realized she was an idiot to care about him. She decided she was going to forget all that had happened and move on. All that she had said in her office about them not being able to have a personal relationship, him reaching the final straw, those words which had made her feel guilty for the past month were finally the sad truth.

When he heard the sound of the door opening, he smirked, expecting one of his doctors or a nurse. He looked up, still kissing the woman who hadn't noticed anything, and stopped dead, a shocked expression matching the one on Cuddy's face.

His face went blank, staring at her, astonished. Hers was the exact opposite of blank: every single feeling was displayed in her face, one emotion replacing the other: he could witness the surprise, hurt feelings, disappointment, betrayal, sadness, crushed hopes, resignation, her Dean of Medicine face of disapproval and finally a mask of indifference. At that sight, at that precise moment, he knew that she had given up on him. He witnessed her trying to decide how to react, whether to leave or stay, both sides of Cuddy fighting, the hurt woman wanting to escape and the administrator that needed to stay to be updated on his medical situation.

The Dean and administrator won, as usual. She finally mumbled a vague "excuse me, I just wanted your authorization to look at your medical file".

He looked at her and without even realizing it, he whimpered an uncertain "huh, sure..."

With that, she gave him and the woman a cold nod and left the room, trying to keep her composure and succeeding. Her administrator mask was on and was there to stay.

A split second after she got out, he rushed after her, leaving the blonde confused behind him. He ran after her as fast as the throbbing pain in his thigh allowed him to and looked around. He finally noticed a movement near his psychiatrist's office and limped towards it as quickly as he could. He caught her by the wrist just before she could get in Nolan's office and made her turn to face him.

"Damn' you're fast, even in those high-heeled stilettos of yours..." he said, staring at her, trying to read her, not knowing exactly what to say.

He didn't know how to deal with her so he unconsciously decided that the safest route was being an ass.

"Still got my mojo, little Greg is happy wherever it goes".

He was waiting for her to react, to get upset, to roll her eyes, something... anything.

She shrugged, delicately freed her wrist from his grasp and said distractedly, ignoring his rude comment "what pain medication are you taking right now? What dosage?"

He furrowed his eyebrows, not at all satisfied, bothered by her total indifference. She acted as if he wasn't even there.

"Heroin, a hundred milligrams" he deadpanned.

She shrugged again and said "it doesn't matter, I'll ask your doctor anyway. See ya" She then entered the office and slowly shutting the door, leaving him dumbfounded.

She had resisted the urge of slapping his head off and slamming the door in his face. She sat down and avoiding to look at the same doctor that led her to her horrifying discovery, she asked him for House's medical file.

Dr Nolan looked intently at her, and said calmly "so, you're doctor Cuddy, House's Cuddy, right?"

She looked at Nolan, surprised. So House had mentioned her? As the "she-devil" she was sure...

"I'm not HOUSE'S anything but his boss".

He had a knowing expression, got up and stood right in front of her.

"He's scared of what you mean to him, he's trying to distance himself from you, it actually helps his recovery... at least for now" he said, searching for her reaction. He continued "don't you think I would have put a stop to that kiss immediately if I didn't think it would be therapeutic somehow? I'm not used to allow this kind of behavior in my hospital".

Cuddy was first surprised: 'so he did see House and the woman she came to name 'Dr Hooker' in her head kissing...' she thought.

Then she nodded and finally looked at him in the eyes "I don't agree but it's not my place to criticize, is it?" she said, a tired expression dulling the shine he had seen in her eyes when they first met in the lobby, when she was apprehensive but happy to see House.

"Look, it doesn't mean anything to him, I mean he doesn't feel anything for her, he told me so at our session yesterday when I mentioned that any doctor/patient fraternization was forbidden, especially in his state" he said reassuringly.

"What it means is irrelevant, it's not very professional but as I said, it's not my place" she lectured nevertheless. "Look, I just want the details about his therapy and the treatment he's currently receiving so that I know what to say to the board when they ask me if he can get his job back and when". Cuddy said tiredly.

He sighed, getting the information she wanted in the top drawer of his desk and handing her a thick file.

"There it is, Dr Cuddy. And if I may, Dr Wilson was right: you're as stubborn as he is" he said, annoyed.

"Funny, I was just thinking that you reminded me of him...", her tone implying that it was not a compliment. The last thing she needed was to deal with another matchmaker...

"Thank you for the useful information" she said sarcastically, "let me know if there are any changes I need to know about. Nice to meet you, Dr Nolan" she finally said more warmly.

He looked at her, impressed at her calm demeanor, her detached professionalism and shook her hand "goodbye Dr Cuddy" and added, with a slight hesitation "will you visit House soon?" he asked, raising one eyebrow questioningly.

"I don't think so, I have all the information I needed" she said bitterly and with that, she got up to leave the office. He watched her walk out and turned to the window, wondering why House hadn't told this amazing woman what he felt for her. "He really must be crazy" he sighed.

When she opened the door, she bumped into House who had been listening to the whole conversation, his body pressed against the door. He grabbed her shoulder to keep his balance given that he had forgotten his cane, leaving it behind him when he ran after her. Her entire body shivered against his and he noticed that her discomfort matched his own. It made her think that the last time he had grabbed her shoulder like that, it had been for emotional support, when he first discovered that he was suffering from delusions.

He slid his hands slowly from her shoulders to her arms and his hands ended up on her hips in a tender motion. He stared at her gray stormy eyes with his piercing blue orbs and all he saw was exhaustion and hidden disappointment. She wasn't even mad. Usually it was her anger that turned him on, but since his delusion, whenever he saw her, his heart raced and he found himself craving for her.

She looked up at him for a split second before regaining her composure and leaving him burning with desire.

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TBC – If you think it's worth updating anyway... Oh, and I'm French, so if my English sucks or if I made any mistakes, please tell me so.