Chapter One: Like Humans Do
AN: We would like you all to know that we did, in fact, sit down and plan out this entire story. THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT MAY COLLAPSE.
Disclaimer: Good Omens belongs to a lot of people, none of which are named Krissy or Julie.
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"Oi!"
"Crowley," Aziraphale said mildly, "I do have a name. And it is not 'oi', whatever you may think."
Crowley made a face at the angel. "But 'oi' is so much easier to say!"
It had been a week since the world had not ended, a week of (for Crowley and Aziraphale, at least) waiting around expecting people to jump out at you and demand that you get back to work. Except less with the jumping out bit and more sort of with an summoning of darkness or a brilliant flash of light or what have you. The constant expectation of certain doom was starting to take its toll on Crowley's nerves, causing him to say things like "oi" and "shakalabbits". Which was never healthy.
Aziraphale eyed Crowley with concern. "Do sit down, dear, you look quite pale. Would you like a cup of tea?" Tea was usually Aziraphale's solution to everything, including internal bleeding and the flu.
"No tea! I'm full of tea! You've been feeding me tea five times a day for a week!"
"It's good for you."
"So is spinach, but I don't see you drinking that all the time!"
"Don't be ridiculous."
Crowley sat down.
"Now," said Aziraphale, pushing a cup of tea at him, "I've been thinking."
"Oh, good. Marvelous. I'm very proud, I'm sure."
"Hush. The past couple of weeks have been very stressful for us both, and I was thinking that maybe we should take a vacation. Rest up for a little while."
"Nghk." Crowley grunted noncommittally.
"Somewhere warm."
"I'm plenty warm."
Aziraphale gave the demon a Look, the sort of Look that was usually reserved for sinners and people the angel found annoying.
Crowley sighed. "Well, why don't we just go traipsing off to Tibet then?"
Aziraphale beamed. It was a truly terrifying sight.
"Oh, no," Crowley moaned, burying his face in his hands.
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i.e., Crowley.
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"Do stop sulking, Crowley, it is very unbecoming."
"But why do you insist on taking a plane?"
Aziraphale started folding his underwear. "I thought agreed that we would do this the human way."
"You agreed, yes. I don't recall that you gave me a chance to say anything about it." The conversation had gone something like this: "Crowley, wouldn't it be marvelous if we took a vacation from our powers too? Did everything the human way?" and then Crowley had made a noise like "flkdjf!" because he was incredibly drunk and thought the angel was talking about biscuits and where to get them.
He had later realized his mistake, but by then it was too late. The angel had even insisted on paying for the airplane tickets.
"Stop looking at me like that and pack." said Aziraphale, who was now rolling up his socks into neat little balls. A bag appeared in front of Crowley, already fully packed. The angel frowned at it disapprovingly.
"You pack your way, I'll do it my way."
"Hmph."
Crowley gave him a satisfied little smile. He could at least have something his way on this trip of Aziraphale's.
Then Aziraphale calmly picked up a candle and lit Crowley's bag on fire.
"My goodness gracious me, what have I done?" he said, and then went back to packing. Crowley yelped and tried to douse the flames, but for some reason they refused to go out. They simply blazed on cheerfully, burning Crowley's bag to a crisp while not touching anything else in the room. Such as the floor.
"Lucky for you I have an extra bag!" said Aziraphale, shoving a hideous green and yellow tartan suitcase into Crowley's arms. "There you go."
Crowley almost dropped it, but decided not to. You never knew what the angel might decide to light on fire next.
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