Sharing Is Caring!
Mao/CC/Lelouch
crack oneshot
A/N: This is the first thing I thought when I saw episode 15.
He revved up the brand new chainsaw with much gusto, watching the already injured young woman wince in pitiful anticipation before the spinning blade of death in his grip. A murderous and cocky grin was plastered all over his face, teeth barred as if he was ready to take a large bite of juicy steak.
"Don't fret about it so much! You'll be much more portable this way, after all." Mao assured her, hungrily deciding which position would lead to the nicest cuts of fresh CC. The meat in question squeezed her eyes shut tight – being able to mail herself to Timbuktu like she had dreamed as a child wasn't as illustrious as it seemed now that she realized she wouldn't be able to sightsee in 6.5 pieces.
"Mao." Came a dignified joke cloaked in static. Both of them turned dramatically towards it's source, a large screen that had laid previously unnoticed, which held a static-y webcam view of Lelouch, who looked as fabulous as he always did. He smirked, though it was hard to see through the pixel blur and Hello Kitty poster in the background.
"What the fuck do you want?!" Mao asked belligerently, waving his chainsaw of doom around recklessly. "Can't you see I'm busy here?"
"Well, kinda – It's hard to see much through this webcam. It's pink though – totally fabulous!" Lelouch said, going off on a bit of a tangent. "But yes, I'm here to stop you from committing this evil deed! You cannot do this, Mao! What would Jesus do?"
"... Who's Jesus?"
"I also have video proof, and the police are coming to take you away as we speak!"
At that, he began to panic, turning his chainsaw up a knob to reassure himself. "W-woah there, Lelouch! Let's sort this out! Do you want CC? If you want, we can share!"
The pompous jerk known as Lelouch was about to continue on his Xeneos Gambit rant before he paused, drawn quite aback by this statement. "Share? How exactly would you go about that?" he inquired curiously, and the smile on Mao's face returned.
"Yes! I'm not a stingy old man, I know how to correctly share a woman." He said proudly, winking at CC. She scooted a bit backward. "I was thinking straight down the middle, a clear 50-50? Does that sound reasonable to you?"
Lelouch thought and stroked his invisible goatee, nodding occasionally and murmuring as he debated deeply over this deal. "That sounds quite fair, yes! I'll take you up on that offer!" he finally said, nodding again definitively. CC's eyes grew wide in horror, body beginning to tremble. She should have known better than to count on such a easy-to-persuade businessman!
Mao grinned wickedly, hands tightening on the large motorized weapon in his hand. "Twas nice doing business with you!" he said, taking a slight bow and turning to the terrified woman at his feet. "I'll make a very clean job of it, don't you worry." It did nothing to quell her tensions, though Lelouch's were debatable.
"But there's just one more matter," the jerkass mastermind said aloud, such an earnest look on his face. "Who gets the half with her heart in it?"
"A good question – a good question indeed."
