Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi.
I would recommend reading my one-shot Sunrise. This is a sequel to it.
"God, Eli. This is your fifth time coming in today. Don't you have a life?" The man behind the counter says tiredly, running his fingers through his already thinning hair. Eli rolls his eyes and scans the rows of books and movies.
"It was three times, and," Eli glares and runs his fingers over the books on the shelves, "I heard that you have that new...film." Eli becomes distant as he travels down each row.
"We don't sell porn here, man."
Eli scoffs and snickers, his hair falling in front of his eyes. "God, I'm not using code. I'm looking for that new film? The one about reptiles?" Eli walks back up the row and looks at the smirking man, "You know? They have scales?"
"Reptiles? Scales? Is that what kids call them these days?"
"Fuck you, man." Eli laughs, but mutters a thank you when the middle-aged man yells that the film was in the fifth aisle. His curious eyes scan every single book that he passes. He has always had a passion for literature, but he's found that every year older, he appreciates books a little more. Eli loves the rustic smell of books and loves how with every book he reads, his mind opens up a little bit more.
Eli reaches the fifth row and squints his eyes in concentration. He searches on the one side, and finds the film posing in the front because its release date. Eli reads the back description excitedly, but when he turns around, a familiar side view of a lady greets him. His mouth drops and he stares at the girl in front of him. She's a woman now and unfortunately, she still has his heart. Even though it's been how many years?
Three, was it?
He licks his lips and tries to speak, but he's not much of a talker and she knows that. And her curves are distracting him. And her lips look so red and plump and he just wants to ravish her. But she simply stands there and smiles and the man is starting to wonder if she's real. He's beginning to think that she's too perfect to exist. The woman shifts and continues to read the book in her hands. She doesn't know that he's there.
He still has time to flee and run away for good.
But...she's so beautiful. And so lovely and he just wants to wrap his arms around her and call her his.
"Hello, Elijah."
His throat closes and he can't breathe. Her voice has grown and is now slightly husky. For the first time in years, he blushes. He's blushing so hard and she looks like she's about to giggle.
"Edwards." He says, and he's surprised that he can even speak. Eli moves the film around in his arms; trying to hide it, but Clare smirks down at it.
"Reptiles?"
"Don't mock."
And she smiles and snaps her book closed with a slam that makes Eli jump. "What are you doing here?" She says lightly and moves a bit closer to him.
"It's a bookstore. Do I need an excuse?" Eli responded mockingly, his mouth falling open slightly. But a smirk morphs onto his mocking lips.
"No," Clare said, smiling lightly, "I just haven't seen you in...um...about-"
"Three years. The night of prom. You wore your blue dress that brought out your eyes." Eli blurts out and then slams his mouth shut. His eyes close with humiliation. But he hears a faint giggle coming from Clare and he relaxes slightly. Eli turns to the bookshelf, wanting to smack his forehead against it. He knows that he probably just sounded like a complete creep; knowing the last time they talked and what she wore. And Eli is sure that she probably doesn't even remember what his last name was.
Clare walks closer, her hips swaying, and Eli knew that it wasn't on purpose. "You're right. How do you remember all that?" Clare bit her lip and watches Eli's expression change. Now, his adam's apple bobs erratically. Eli closes his eyes, slightly wincing and Clare cleared her throat, "Um. Never mind. I, er-I have to go."
Eli watches her as she shifts through her bag and hates himself for driving her away with his unresolved feelings. "Yeah. Me too." Eli lies, and knows that he'll just go home and watch the documentary about reptiles he bought. Eli mentally slaps himself for being so pathetic.
"But, hey," Clare continued to look through her bag, and when she found what she was looking for, she let out a small "ah!" and pulled out a ripped piece of paper and a pen, "My friend is having a party tonight and it would be cool if you could come! Here are the directions, and when and if you come, just ask for me. I'll come and we'll catch up!" She hands him the scrap of paper and he shivers at the sight of her familiar writing style.
He follows her to the check-out and they glance at each other every now and then. The man behind the counter watches their flirtatious stares and bites his lip to keep from laughing. Once Clare's book is in a bag, she nods shyly at Eli and walks out the door; with both men looking at her in rather inappropriate ways. When the door slams, stopping the flow of cold air, the man behind the register lets out a sigh and glances at Eli, his eyes twinkling with laughter.
"Does she know about your...um..."films", Eli?" The man snorts, but quickly shuts up with a glare from Eli.
And as Eli steps out of the bookstore with his book, the piece of paper with directions burns a hole in his pocket.
It's almost as warm as she is.
.
.
.
When Eli arrives, he immediately wants to leave. The music is blasting and it's some crappy pop song that makes his ears bleed. And the ground is covered with beer cans and used cigs. He wants to puke at the drunk teenagers yelling and hitting on each other. Parties were never Eli's scene, and most of the time, he's the awkward boy in the corner who doesn't talk.
He shoves his keys in his pockets and squints his eyes in the night. He just wants to find Clare and then drive off into the night-preferably with her. But he'll take what he gets. Eli steps forward and swallows the lump in his throat. He almost feels the stares of everyone as he walks into the house. The flashing of thongs and the chugging of beer makes him scoff, and sure, he does feel a bit superior. Because, for fuck's sake, while these kids are getting wasted, he's getting somewhere in life.
Eli doesn't even know why Clare is here. He knows that she's probably in another room; reading. Or doing something to avoid this nonsense. He smiles at the thought of her and travels around the house. Most of the furniture is pushed away and people are against the walls and on the floor. Eli watches in horror as he spies a girl and boy being intimate. Afraid for humanity, Eli continues his journey around the house. He sets his jacket on the couch that has the least people on it and walks down the hallway. He looks at the portraits of the family on the walls and wonders if the uptight parents knew that their son was having a party. Eli smirks at the idea and shakes his head.
"Hey, bro! Watch the fuck out!" A voice screams and Eli stands flush to the wall, making way for the two men struggling with a keg of beer.
"Goddamn." Eli mutters and shakes his head at the two guys. He flips them off quickly and rolls his eyes. Eli has never wanted to leave anywhere this badly. He feels his patience wavering and he wants blow his brains out with every beat of the music.
Turning around, he notices an average looking kid sitting on a chair, his glasses slipping down the slope of his nose. Eli doesn't feel intimidated by the geeky looking kid, so he walks slowly to him.
"Do you know where Clare Edwards is?" Eli asks quickly, his anxiety getting to him.
"Clare Edwards?" The boy says slowly, and Eli nods his head vigorously, "She's in the room on the left. She's...well...you'll see her." The boy smirks and Eli backs away in confusion.
But when he walks into the room to the left, he understands.
She's on someone's lap and giggling. The man that she's on top of is slowly drifting up her shirt. Eli waits for her to tell the guy to stop, but she doesn't. And Eli feels his heart tear in pieces that will never be found. He steps back in pain and tries to find his way out of the room, but he can't tear his eyes away from the couple. His heart hammers pathetically as Clare tosses her head back and laughs; still oblivious to Eli's presence.
But when the man starts biting her neck, Eli can't take anymore and turns around, clashing with someone else. Eli tumbles to the ground with the man that he collided with and he feels the stare of everyone in the room. Even her.
Without a word, Eli stand up; brushes his clothes off and walks out the door. His head hurts and he just wants to sleep. He just wants to forget the girl that haunts his every move. His breath is ragged and sharp, but he knows that he can't stop. Not until he reaches his car and leaves. He can't stay. It'll bring up memories that he has tried so hard to hide.
"Eli!" He hears as he pushes past people. Her voice calls out to him three more times, but with every echo of her voice, he walks faster.
"Eli! Please! Stop!"
When he slams the door open, people jump back and fall onto the deck. But Eli waves them off and mutters a sorry, but jogs down the driveway
"You don't have your jacket." And at that, he stops. She's got him and she knows that. Eli lets out a light groan and turns around to face the girl. Her hands are on hips and his jacket is wrapped around her waist.
"Just give me my jacket. I'm cold and I don't want to be here." Eli steps forward and reaches out his hand, but she steps further back, hiding the jacket behind her back, "Clare, seriously. I'm not playing games." He runs his fingers through his hair in frustration but she simply blinks at him.
"I'm not playing games either, but, I'll give you your jacket back after we talk," When Eli rolls his eyes, she raises a finger, asking for his silence, "We can have one of our Urban Adventures. We can stay out all night and talk. Just like we used to." Clare looks at him, her eyes hopeful. And Eli's resentment is fading with the stare of her blue eyes on him.
"Fine," Eli mutters grudgingly, "But come on, let's leave now." Eli starts walking to his car, but stops when he hears no footsteps behind him. He turns around to see a nervous Clare. He looks at her, waiting for her to speak.
She twiddles her thumbs and bites her lip. "Well, they were just going to get more beer. We should stay for a little while. You could meet my boy- um- just my friend and when I left, they were about to play quarters and it looked fun-"
A forced laughter breaks her in mid-sentence and she watches as Eli shakes his head in disbelief.
"God, who the fuck are you? What the fuck have you changed into?" Eli snaps, and she takes one step back. Eli fumes silently as he waits for her to answer but when she doesn't, he barks out a laugh, "You know what? Never mind. This is bullshit. This party is bullshit. You are bullshit. This whole fucking idea was bullshit." Eli turns and pulls his keys out of his pocket and angrily jingles them around as he tries to find which key will open his car door.
"And you're a coward!" Clare finally responds back, her voice shaking, "I swear, the minute something changes, you freak out. What the hell did you expect me to do? Did you expect me to be a little girl forever? It's been three years, Eli. Three years. You've changed; I can see it in your face. And I've changed; for better or for worse, I don't know. But don't you dare judge me. Don't you dare."
Eli turns around, a smirk apparent even in the dark. "Judge? It's kind of hard not to when you were pretty much humping that boy. And fuck, Clare. This isn't you. You aren't the girl to play beer-pong and take shots. You aren't the girl to spend your nights with people who don't know you. That's not Clare Edwards."
"Oh, enlighten me. Who is Clare Edwards? Is she the fifteen year old girl who was naive? Please, tell me. I'm dying to hear what you have to say. I mean, I'd love to hear the view who spends his days renting films about reptiles."
Eli's eyes become dark as she stays silent, and he wants to cry. This was all a bad idea. "You see, that's how you changed. The Clare Edwards that I know would rent those movies with me. The Clare Edwards that I know would never be here," Eli runs his fingers through his hair and he bites his lip, "I should go. It was nice to see you, but this isn't going to end well."
"No. We're going to talk. We can't keep hiding from each other." Clare breathes and he watches her body move with every breath she takes.
"Hiding? Please. That's complete shit. We've moved on with our lives. We're older and we just needed closure. So, goodbye." Eli adds a half-wave and turns around; secretly hoping that she'll call him back. But when he hears no sound from behind him, he sighs in frustration.
"Come on. We'll talk." Eli yells when he reaches his car. And when Clare lets out a sweet "ha", he feels a smile forming on his lips.
"I knew that you were bluffing." Clare mutters smugly, and Eli rolls his eyes and backs out of the driveway.
"Oh, yeah? Really? How?"
"Because we'll never have closure. And you know that."
.
.
.
"So. Um...What do you do with your life?" Eli asks after a couple of silent minutes. He sips his coffee thoughtfully and tries not to make any facial expressions. In a way, he almost doesn't want to hear what she's been doing with her life. It will just prove to him how much everything has changed.
"You mean when I'm not whoring myself out?" Clare asks, cocking her head to the side. And Eli groans, regretting what he said about her and the boy.
"I was stating a fact; you were very...loose with that boy," Eli pauses and looks at her, his eyes wide, "Do you even know him?" His voice is sharper than usual and Clare leans back, her face twisted in horror.
"God, Eli. Who do you think I am? Of course I know the kid. He's been my best friend for years."
"Friends with benefits?" Eli asks cockily, a smirk growing steadily on his plump lips.
Clare licks her lips, and stares out the window of the restaurant. She watches as the dark figures of the night walk past and sighs, "No. It's more of an I-like-him-but-he-doesn't-know-how-he-feels-about-me-situation, you know? Which, sucks. Because I think I really like him." Clare bites the inside of her cheek and looks down at the table with thought.
"You sound pathetic." Eli blurts out without thinking, his own widening at what he said. He opens his mouth to speak, but Clare slams her hand down on the painted-red table, startling many customers.
"You know what? I think that you were right. We should have just left our separate ways. I'm going to go and be what you've termed me as, a "whore". And you can go and be an arrogant jackass. Have a great night and I hope that when-and if- I ever see you again, you won't be such a jerk." Clare drinks the rest of her chilled coffee and presses money on the table. She throws his jacket at him and Eli watches as she gets up without another word, and walks quickly to the door. With the opening of the door, comes a strong wind that chills Eli more than it should.
He closes his eyes and ignores the chatter around him. Everything is shifting and morphing together, and suddenly, he feels like the screwed-up sixteen year old boy. The boy that was so in love and so fucked up. That's him now, and he knows that. And that's scaring him. Because while everyone is getting older, he's staying the same. And he can watch all the reptile documentaries he wants, he'll still be in a stand-still. He's frozen in time and the ice has no mercy. It's pulling him further and further down into the ice water, and he just sinks. He never fights.
But he'll fight for her.
And with a slight smile on his face, his eyes snap open and he pushes his chair out with a screech. The sharp sound makes everyone around the restaurant wince. Nut Eli ignores it and reaches into his deep pocket and pulls out the bills that are wadded and folded up. Without finishing his coffee, he rushes out the door in a hurry. The air greets him with its bitter and black hand. Eli zips up his jacket and jogs to his car; prepared to spend his night looking for the auburn-haired girl.
Eli opens up the semi-frozen door and his breath puffs in front of him. As he climbs into his car, he sees a shadow in the passenger seat. He springs back and holds onto the car door for support.
"Oh my fuck."
"Hello to you too."
Eli finds his breath again and shakes his shaggy hair around, trying to hide his blushing cheeks. He rolls his head around and climbs back into the car, his heart still trying to get back on track.
"I was cold. I'm not here because I want to." Clare sniffs, and Eli tries not to chuckle, but a snort comes out. Clare opens her mouth to let out a retort, but Eli raises his hand to silence her.
"You're not here because you want to be. I get it." Eli says quietly, starting the car.
"Well, at least you know."
"I didn't mean what I said in there." Eli said suddenly, his gaze on the steering wheel. He closes his eyes as he hears Clare shift around.
"I know," They stay silent and wait for the cold car to warm up. Eli beats his hands against the steering wheel, but quickly stops when Clare's voice cuts through the silence, "That reptile movie sucks." Clare adds, still not looking at Eli in the eyes. But he lets a smile wiggle on his lips.
"Really?" He says softly, his heart softening.
"The narrator was a twit who recited facts from a Wikipedia page. Nothing that I haven't seen before."
Eli stifles a laugh and drives, but before they go too far, Eli hands her the jacket. And she takes it without complaint.
.
.
.
Her voice screeches along with the song on the radio and Eli winces and tries not to chuckle. He glances at her quickly and her head is back and her mouth is open and moving. Her eyes are closed and she's wailing. Clare's hands are on her lap and they clench with every high note she sings-which, is very often, much to Eli's dismay.
She's so beautiful and he watches her pink lips. He feels his mouth water as she lets out a giggle. Her laugh is bubble-gummy and it reminds him of the happy days.
"What are you staring at?" She questions as he stops at the red light, and Eli gulps; unaware that she felt his stare. The song dies down and switches to another one.
"You."
Both of their breaths pause and stop completely. Clare turns around to stare at Eli, and is surprised when Eli is already staring back at her. "Why?" She whispers softly, her voice almost lost in the thump of the engine.
The cold air wraps around their lungs and they can't breathe, and that's why they move closer. The breath that coats the air tangles itself into their hair and onto their skin. Their eyes dart back and forth, unable to describe what was happening.
"Green light, Eli." Clare whispers and sits back. Letting go of his frustration, Eli slams his foot down and they shoot off down the street.
Silence clings onto their every movement. The ice from the outside reaches their bodies and freezes every warmth that has found them.
"Where are we going?" She asks softly, her voice shaking and rolling.
"You'll see." Eli replies simply.
.
.
.
The car stops and Eli feels his stomach drop at the familiar sight in front of him. The stone has crumbled away and while there is still stone, it's falling apart. The once thick walls are broken down and weak; giving the air of age. Everything is older and broken and dead, and Eli can't help but feel sick at that thought. Because he knows that-in a way-he is the broken walls. He is the mossy remains and the sandy droppings. He's nothing more. To him, he's never been anything more than ancient stone.
"I haven't been here in ages, Eli." She breathes, breaking his morbid thoughts.
Eli shakes his head lightly to get the thoughts out and he gives her a light smile and opens up the heavy door to get out. She does the same and they walk together like magnets. And it's like nothing has happened. They are still the two stupid teenagers in this little sanctuary. They are sixteen and laughing. They are the teenagers hopeless is the soft love.
But really, everything has changed. Things have grown and died. Situations have blown in like a hurricane and knocked everything onto the salty ground. Pain has swept over the landscape of their lives and ruined their grounds. Bitter acid flows through their once nourished bodies. They are older. But not wiser. They are gaunt. And so very, very dead.
With every step they take, they move closer to each other. Eli's jacket is wrapped around Clare's shoulders; keeping her from the cold. Slowly, but with every step, their hands tangle together. Their skin is burning and molding together and it's the most heat that both have felt in months.
Their feet crunch over the sharp leaves. The cracks of the frozen branches echo into the night. Eli feels his stomach shift, and he knows that it's coming. The wave of emotion that carries him into the bitter sea of regret. But now, he feels it because he's so vulnerable. The silence eats on his weak insides and he lets out a sigh.
"You okay?" She whispers, and looks at him with concern. His hand shakes and he wants to answer, but the words aren't coming out.
"No." He says finally and squints. They walk to the bench that faces the forest; the moonlight guiding the way. The bench is frozen, but somehow, their bodies are already so cold that they don't feel it. Eli takes his hand back and puts it in his lap.
"Bullfrog passed away three months ago," He clenches his eyes shut and adds, "Heart attack."
Clare moves closer and wraps her arms around him, her scent floods into his every movement. She whispers that she's sorry and her lavender scent continues to float into his bloodstream and clog every single pore on his body.
"It was stress-related," Eli continues, his voice wavering and Clare places her head on his shoulder and pulls him so that he faces her, "And, it was also because of red meat...he did like Little Miss Steaks. But, I can't help but think that it's my fault, you know? I've always been his fucked up child. I caused it."He blows his hair out of his face and Clare places her finger on his face and strokes his gaunt flesh.
"It's not your fault, Eli. You put so much blame on yourself, and god, that'll kill you," Eli winces at the word 'kill', and Clare gently rubs his shoulder, "I just mean that you can't believe that you did that to him. You can't believe that. Bullfrog would hate if you were to do that." Clare lifts his hand up and lightly kisses his flesh, causing a shiver to travel down Eli's spine.
"I don't even know why I'm telling you this," Eli snorted, wiping the tears off of his blotched face, "I'm sorry, I guess that I just-"
"Shut up and let me take care of you." Clare grumbles and that erupts a loud laugh from Eli. The laugh clashes around the abandoned church and sends shakes of giggles through both of them.
"I've missed you, Eli." Clare whispers once their laughter dies down. Eli turns to her and offers her a light smile.
"We grew apart, I guess." He mutters and Clare bites her lip, obviously thinking about something.
"Remember when we came up here before dawn? To see the sunrise? ...Because it reminded you of your dad?" She whispers, and Eli makes a small noise in the back of his throat. He remembers that morning perfectly. When they had waited for the brilliant sunrise to grace their presence. When they wanted to feel young again, because even then, they felt jaded.
"We wanted to feel new," Eli says softly, nodding his head, "We wanted to feel bright and shiny like the sun...no wonder we weren't popular in high school, Clare. We spent our time sitting here at dawn." He jokes, but Clare slaps him lightly.
"I was popular, you on the other hand..." She snorts and laughs quietly, "But you know who always had that shine? Who was always like a little kid? Your dad...let's stay here for him. We will watch the sunrise in his honor."
"We'll be new for him." Eli whispers, and lets the tears travel down his rosy cheeks. Clare rests on his shoulder, and he wraps his arm around her small waist; bringing her closer.
The night's events mean nothing as they breathe in the air around them. For the first time, Eli finds himself accepting the changes in his life. And he can feel the missing pieces falling into place slowly. He has a feeling that he'll always be a little screwed up, but in a way, he knows that everyone is screwed up. Some just don't show it. And he's beginning to realize that he isn't a wall of nothing. He's not the remains. He's whole-well, he's on his way to being whole.
And when the sun shows its face, both of them are crying. Not exactly tears of sadness, and not ones of happiness either. It's more of a "Things-have-changed-for-me-but-that's-okay" type crying. It's a letting go type of feeling. Because that's what they're doing. They're letting go and they can feel themselves becoming warmer and shinier and they understand.
What they understand?
They're not really sure.
.
.
Eli isn't sure how he's driving. It's light out but he's tired as all hell and he just wants to sleep. But sleep because he needs it, and not because he has nothing else to do. And Clare sits in the passenger seat, her eyes opening and shutting. Eli wants to urge her to sleep, but her house is so close.
Eli notices that she has his jacket wrapped in her lap and he smiles, watching her hold it close to her. He can almost see her in front of the sun again. He remembers how her face glowed with a light that made his heart pound and stutter. He remembers how she giggled and squinted at the sun, and he could have sworn that she and the sun were twins. They were both so bright.
"What was that?" Clare whispers vaguely, but Eli understand immediately what she's trying to say.
"It was a night of...life. Just life." Eli says, pulling up in her driveway.
Eli smirks as Clare looks at her house in resentment. And he can only guess that she wants the night to end as much as he does. But, she stumbles out of the car, shutting the door and before she walks away, she stops and pokes her head in the open window.
"Here," She says as she hands him the jacket, "I told you that I'd give it to you once we were done talking." She tries to shove the jacket in Eli's arms, but Eli simply pushes it back; a goofy grin on his plump lips.
"But, Edwards," Eli smirks, and looks at her cockily, "We'll never be done talking."
When Clare steps back with a light grin adorning her lips, Eli pulls out of the driveway and continues home. But before he loses sight of her, he looks in his mirror and sees her staring at him, with his jacket wrapped in her arms.
And Eli smiles, for he knows that it's a new beginning.
A review would be lovely!
(Eclare is endgame...)
