Warning

This fan fiction literally sucks balls. If you don't want to burn your eyes out from reading pure crap, I suggest you close the window right now. If you do decide that you wish to risk your virginity, and eyesight, please understand that the plot, the story, and everything makes no sense at all. And all things are made up. That's why it's called a fan fiction.

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It was a dark and stormy night, and Edward Cullen was walking home from recording his first rap album, featuring T-Pain. His hair was flapping in the wind as he walked down the long, lonesome street of Hollywood, (which is sort of impossible as his hair is short). The distant sounds of booming thunder ringed in his ears as he looked up to the dark, cloudy sky. It was a regular night for him, seeing as he looked pretty much like a kinky goth, but something wasn't right, the vampire thought to himself. So he stood there, looking down the road, waiting for something to happen. What he didn't know, was that the foolishness of sitting there, waiting to be raped by fangirls was going to change his life forever.
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"WHERE'S MY EDWARD CULLEN ACTION FIGURINE", Screamed the voice from the room.

"But Tyra, they're not out in K-Mart and Toys'R'Us yet!", replied the mysterious figure, in a panicky, my balls are going to get lopped off if I don't reason with her in 5 seconds voice.

"Very well then David, I have a new job for you. I want you to bring me Edward Cullen himself. He still owes me a lap dance…" An evil smile started to appear on the woman's face, which we assume is called Tyra.

"Yes pimpmaster." replied the reluctant David Hasselhoff.

Edward began to doze off as he waited for the bus, thinking of Bella. It was hard for him to pursue his dreams of being a rapper with Bella being an exotic dancer in the clubs of Chicago. How he longed for her lips again, how soft they were, fantasising about her fine body. He slowly began to make out with the air in front of him, violently kissing the nothingness. While he was indecently "screwing" the air, a black sports car started cruising down the road. It stopped right beside the hallucinating vampire, and two men climbed out of the car. One of them was dressed in a burgundy leotard, and a fluorescent yellow skirt, while the other was dressed wore a bright green jumpsuit, and a bright pink miniskirt on the outside. Both of them were extremely built and ripped, and they approached Edward cautiously.

"Well what do we have here", the man in the Leotard commented.

"The vampire is molesting the air!", shouted the other one.

Edward slowly turned around, unaware that he was previously making out with absolutely nothing.

"Huh", the sex deprived vampire added.

"You're coming with us!"

"Who are you people?"

"BAHOHEEEHHOOOOUUURRRRRHEHEHEHEHEHEEEEEEEEETEEHEEEEEBOOOHHOOOHOHOHOHOHOHOOHOHHIHIHIHIHIHIIHHAHHUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRHEHHEHHHHHHHH…. Ahem." The man in the leotard laughed, "Who are we? You don't know who we are? We're the famous dynamic duo bounty hunters, David Hasselhoff and Harrison Ford! And this is our trusty vehicle, KIT".

Edward was in deep trouble now. The two fabulously dressed men that stood before him were the greatest bounty hunters across the land, and he was fortunate enough to meet them. His eyes were a glow; he had always wanted their photograph. Edward squealed like a fangirl and jumped for joy and screamed, "I LOVE YOU GUYS, TAKE ME, TAKE ME NOW!"

Both of them pulled out their invisible guns and pointed them at the mislead vampire's head.

"We're here on a job. Our client says you owe her a lap dance. You're going to have to come with us".

Edward's jaw had dropped. The two men that he had looked up to the most had betrayed him, and he was out of options. Edward knew that vampires were weak to invisible guns, and all he could do was panic and cower. He kneeled down, and prayed for a miracle to happen, started to close his eyes and shed one single tear.

Out of no where T-pain came out and kicked the two hunters in the back of the head. They turned around, shocked to see that T-pain, master of all 783 forms of Rap-fu was here.

"Shawty", T-pain greeted them.

God had helped Edward once again, though it was pretty much going to be crushed soon. David slammed Edward into the wall, and held him down, restraining as much as he could.

"You may be faster than the others, but are you stronger?", the Hasselhoff whispered.

Edward looked directly into the bounty hunter's eyes, and replied, "But I'm strong enough to do this!", Edward exclaimed, and kneed the former Baywatch star in the jangles.

As the Hoff dropped down, Edward caught a glimpse of Harrison Ford whipping T-pain.

"NO!" shrieked the vampire.

T-pains' eyes caught his own.

"Run Edward, my training in the ghetto will protect me, go and run back to Bella, and buy her a drink, because she's got apple bottom jeans, boots with the fur, and she's got the whole club looking at her".

Tears were streaming down from his eyes, as Edward sprinted down the street. He made himself look forward, not wanting to feel the pain that he just experienced again. He turned the corner, and ran off into the night.
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It had just started raining when Tyra Banks looked out of the window. She wondered how her "Eddy-pookins" was doing, seeing how she knew the bounty hunters would deal a fair amount of damage on him to be able to bring him back. Just as she sat down, on the beige leather couch she spotted KIT racing down the charred, dead road. There was no nature, no animals, and no fauna where the Model Queen lived. They were all crushed, due to her vision, of a world where everyone who was deemed worth it would use Loreal Paris. Countless animals were raped, molested, and tested on with the new Loreal Paris, true golden shine foundation. The two men climbed out of the jet black sports car, and carried a large khaki bag into the lair.

"Mistress… there's been a problem."

"WHAT PROBLEM, YOU'VE CAPTURED MY EDDY-POOKINS 3333 RIGHT?" Tyra screamed.

The two normally fearless, sexy movie stars whimpered. They knew not to cross Tyra, or she would summon her board of Top Model Judges, consisting of a homo-sexual, a trans-sexual, and a (surprisingly) straight photographer.

"Tyra… we never realised T-pain, master of 783 forms of Rap-fu, trained in the Ghetto arts would interfere. He's the other guy other than Bono who always wears sunglasses in every music video! He's one of the Three Holy Elders of the Council!"

Tyra tried to ignore their pitiful excuses and unzipped the khaki bag. The injured rapper laid there, with duck tape over his mouth, and bruises, spread out over his face.

Tyra bared her perfect teeth, which were seriously, perfect. You could literally tell from 20 metres away that she indeed, flosses after every meal. Tyra whipped out a gleaming meat cleaver and cut the duck tape.

"Shawty… buy you a drank…", the exhausted master managed to say.

"Where is Eddy-pookins?", Tyra asked.

"Dragon warrior… halfway across china by now… you will never see… the dragon scroll again…" murmured T-pain, as he fell unconscious.

Tyra cursed and threw the meat cleaver at the wall. It bounced off and hit the floor, making a clanging sound obviously, but as the angry throwing took place a large figure appeared at the door. It was Po, from Kung-Fu Panda, the movie.

"Looking for this?" Said the obese panda, as he tossed a golden tube, with a lid held together by what looked like a dragon head into the air. He started running back out onto the road, he knew he had to distract the supermodel for as long as he could, or Edward Cullen, the child of the prophecy would never be able to fulfil his destiny.

The supermodel shrieked, and leaped into the air, she pulled out a giant blade, from between her cleavage and chased and faded into darkness. No one dared to walk in on Tyra as she was having a tantrum, and she was pissed off around 3.1415926535 times more than she usually was.
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Edward finally arrived in Chicago, after running a long, gruesome, gut busting one minute.

"Damn it, I gotta quit smoking", he commented.

He sniffed the air, trying to pick up Bella's scent. His nose twitched, and he looked at the building to the right of him, with a sign saying "Sunset Strip". He knew his love was there, and jumped through the second story window, into the building.

Bella was riding the pole, up and down, doing all these fabulous manoeuvres, such as the upside down reverse cowgirl upwards waterfall swing, and the deluxe sandwich roll endorsed with mustard, as a glass flew into the air. The vampire landed with a roll, and the mist surrounded him, making him look pretty damn sexy. I mean who wouldn't want to be surrounded by mist when they land? All the males zipped up there flies, and ran out of the room, and all the girls climbed up their poles.

All except Bella.

She was all too familiar with this mysterious, sexy atmosphere. She immediately knew it was her sweet honey poo, sexy boyfriend, Edward Cullen.

"Edward!" she screamed with joy.

"Bella?" Replied the delighted goth.

The two ran in slow motion towards each other, while the song Reunited was played in the back ground. The two locked there eyes, and smiled brightly, and gave the other a passionate long kiss, lasting around eight seconds. They embraced each other again and stood there.

"Bella… I've just recorded my first rap album, and following the cliché, all the songs are about a girl whom I miss, which is you… so will you marry me?" Edward asked, while flailing his arms like a rad rapper

Bella looked into his eyes, lost for words. She gulped and murmured, "Of course I will!"

At this point tears were running down Edward's cheeks once again, and he kissed the naked girl once again.

"Then we'll go tomorrow", exclaimed the vampire, "Pack your bags honey, the Cullens are going to japan!"

As the words came out of his mouth, Bella shat her pants.

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