Note: I don't own Chicago Fire or the characters.
This story has spoilers for 7x16 Fault in Him.
General warning for discussion of PTSD, depression, and general mental health issues up to and including suicide( I will tag that chapter when it comes).
I've taken a multiple year hiatus from Chicago Fire fanfic writing and I'm jumping back in, so excited to be back!
One Shot
Chapter One
"See if you can pry the door open. It looks like it's blocked; all kinds of boxes and shit all stacked up next to it. We can shove it out of the way if we can pry the door open."
Matt knew he had been here before. Not like this, though. At least not quite like this. It's always the little details that are different.
Sometimes it's raining. Sometimes the call comes out at night. Sometimes theapartment building looks different, at least until they wedge the door open, and then everything is the same. Everything that happens afterwards is a horrible replay, instant for instant, just the way it happened. The same boxes are stacked up to the ceiling, the musty air, and the barest trickle of light that filtered in through the shuttered and curtained windows was all the same.
Matt knew exactly what was coming. He had gotten to the point in his dreams and nightmares that he was fairly aware that he was dreaming. He just couldn't control anything that was happening, or even wake up.
Every single time he'd had this dream now, and it had been enough times that he had lost count, he couldn't stop his feet from moving forward. Matt heard the heavy footfalls of his boots on the bare wood floor like it was someone else's. He kept going, even though he knew what was coming.
Everything seemed quiet, until Matt realized there was no sound. A silent dream, that was a new one. He saw CPD filling the room suddenly, coming down the stairs and going out the front door. Matt knew what they were saying, even though he couldn't hear them. Suicide, just like they thought. They'd have the coroner come in and that was the end of it.
Matt was alone in the room.
Until noise and movement exploded toward him in a familiar blast. The dream wasn't silent anymore.
Matt went down, flat on his back, the wind knocked clean out of his lungs. The next thing he was aware of was a 9mm pointed at his face. He was frozen, completely unable to move or scream. The next second seemed to take minutes to pass.
Matt focused on the attacker's hand holding the Glock, and watched his finger on the trigger. He saw his finger close in and tighten on the trigger until he fired.
Matt closed his eyes. This was it.
Only it wasn't. CLICK.
It was the definite sound of a firearm jamming. No gunshot, no echo, no smell of gunfire or blood. Just silence. Matt opened his eyes just in time to see his attacker glance up worriedly at the door, then raise his gun back up towards him again.
This time the gun didn't jam, but fortunately for Matt, this guy was a lousy shot. The bullet whistled past his ear as he reflexively flinched and huddled in on himself.
"Just do it, pull the trigger, just shoot me next time. Don't miss. Don't fucking miss the next time. Just do it!" Matt was yelling as loud as he could. He could barely get his words out through his panic.
"Casey? Are you in there, Captain?" Kelly. It was Kelly, it had to be. In his panic, he'd still recognize Kelly's voice anywhere. Matt saw him at the door, he'd be in the room right at his side in a minute. All of sudden he was quiet, and almost gentle in how he spoke to Matt. "It's me. It's Kelly. Everything's going to be okay."
Matt felt strong hands grip his arms, gently shaking him. "Wake up, Matt. Wake up, bud. It's okay. You're safe now."
Matt was still gasping for air. "Kelly, be careful. I don't know where that guy went. He's got a gun. He shot at me. He shot at me, and..."
"It's okay. He's gone. You're dreaming, Matt. Wake up. It's okay. Open your eyes. I'm right here. You're safe." Kelly's grip on him tightened. "Wake up, bud."
Matt gasped for air as his eyes opened wide. He sat up straight and realized he had fallen asleep on the couch in the middle of the day. He hadn't meant to fall asleep, but here he was. He was sweating so much that his t-shirt was completely soaked, and his hair was wet at the nape of his neck and in the front. He was breathing heavily, like he had come in from a run.
Kelly was right there, sitting on the edge of the couch, his arms still holding on tightly to Matt's arms. Kelly's eyes were wide and concerned.
"Kelly. Uhm…sorry. I had a bad dream. I just fell asleep for a minute and I don't know what happened." Matt coughed and cleared his throat. "I didn't sleep much last night, and I thought I'd lay down for a nap. I guess that was a bad idea." He looked at the floor. "Did you just get home?"
Kelly got up off the edge of the couch and sat on the other end of the couch next to Matt. "Pretty much. Don't be sorry, though. A bad dream's a bad dream." Kelly paused, choosing his next words carefully. "I'm always here if you need anything or if you ever want to talk about anything, you know." Kelly laughed. "You already know I'm not that good at advice. I don't even take my own. I'm a good listener, though."
"I'm fine, Kelly. It was just a dream." Matt curled in on himself, crossing his arms in an attempt to make himself smaller.
"Sure, you're fine. That's why you're moody as hell, waking up at night screaming, sleeping all through your days off, and ignoring and not talking to anyone. Because you're fine." As soon as the words left Kelly's mouth, he wanted to put them back in, but once they started coming out, they just kept coming and coming. "I've been there, I've been 'fine' before, and I get it. I don't know what you're personally going through, but I can tell you that it gets easier if you share it with someone. Just don't tell me you're fine when you're obviously not."
Matt's lips quirked up in a half-hearted smile. "You know you're about the fourth person who's told me that."
Kelly huffed. "Told you what?"
Casey scrubbed a hand through his sweaty hair. "That I should talk to someone." He exhaled slowly. "It's hard to do."
"It gets easier. It helps, I promise it does, Matt," Kelly paused. "You were talking in your sleep just now when I came in just before you woke up. I heard what you said."
Matt paled, if it was possible for him to get any paler than he already was. "I don't really remember. I mean, it was just a dream, I don't know what I was saying." He stared at the floor.
Kelly raised his eyebrows. "Okay. I won't say anything else about it. You don't have to talk to me if you don't want to. I know you're lying if you say you're not battling some demons right now."
"I talked to Boden the other day. I just showed up at his house." Matt blurted out in a quick burst.
Kelly sat up. "Oh yeah? Chief's always got an open door and an open ear. That's good, Matt."
Matt twisted his hands together. "I didn't tell him everything."
TBC
