WHY ARTHUR KIRKLAND IS THE WORST. BOYFRIEND. EVER.

By: Amelia F. Jones

After yet another fight with my stupid-face boyfriend, who, like Voldemort, will NOT be named (unless I forget in a blind rage halfway through writing this), I, Amelia F. Jones, am writing this so future Amelia, who may not be mad at that pompous asshat anymore, can read this and remember why he is THE WORST.

Without further ado:

-It's 'color', not 'colour'. Also, it's 'theater', not 'theatre' and 'realize', not 'realise'. For someone who brags a lot of supposed "great literature", he sucks at spelling.

-His sense of fashion SUCKS BALLS. Tweed is not in fashion. In fact, tweed was NEVER in fashion! Stop wearing it!

-Those eyebrows are RIDICULOUS! It looks like he shaved the fur off of a massive black bear and then glued it all over his eyes! I bet if you plucked all his eyebrow hairs off, you could make a fur coat (sidenote-an eyebrow fur coat would still look better than tweed).

-Also, he has the worst teeth! And hair. And face. And personality. And sense of humor (NOT humour).

-His siblings are almost weirder than he is! But not Australia. He's dope. But my sister Madison... Michelle. Megan? No, wait, Madeleine! Maddie would never pop out of nowhere at a date and force us to eat haggis! God! In fact, she'd just give us some pancakes with maple syrup because she is AWESOME.

-I AM NOT IMMATURE OR ILLITERATE! Stop looking so surprised when I watch 'Freakonomics' or recognize (NOT recognise) a Charles Dickens quote!

-Tea sucks. Coke and coffee are where it's at. Get over it, old man.

-I am NOT an 'uncultured wanker'. I have more culture in New York City than he does on his whole damn island!

-Also, my slang ROCKS. His is stupid. Although it was hilarious when he got beat up after offering to light some guy's "fag". Hahaha!

-When I say I want him to be more open and romantic, I didn't mean to pull a Lloyd Dobbler and stand outside my window blaring Air Supply. Though when that kid pegged him with an egg, that was also hilarious.

-Vinegar is disgusting. It's a very bad sign when the food starts tasting better after drowning it in stuff that's better suited to be window cleaner.

-The Grand Canyon beats Big Ben, loser.

-He tried to get me to sit in Busby's chair! I doubt it would have worked, but still. Jerk!

-Magic, fairies, unicorns, pixies… THEY ARE NOT REAL.

-While we're on the subject, ghosts are SO real! Although it's nice when he calms me down whenever the ghost in my closet starts acting up, I guess. He's still a jerkface loser-head.

-He won't turn the light on during sex. He won't let me see him naked. Seriously, dude. I've seen him naked before! He needs to take that stick out of his ass and stop freaking out everytime I suggest we go skinny dipping! And everyone says I'M stingy about nudity.

-My football is far superior to his football. Obviously.

-The Revolutionary War was SO long ago! I won fair and square! Get over it!

-He is stupid.

-He is awful.

-He is rude.

-I hate him with every fiber of my being.

If this isn't enough proof as to why Arthur "Lameass" Kirkland is the worst boyfriend ever, then I don't know what is. I hope he chokes on one of his disgusto scones and doesn't have any tea to wash it down with and dies.

Sincerely,

Amelia F. Jones

The United States of America

Some Little Sidenotes:

-Haggis is this really nasty stuff traditionally associated with Scotland. It's like a big sack of organs inside of an organ. No joke. I visited my cousin in England a while back and her boyfriend made me try some. I very nearly threw up. He said it was a lot of big talk from someone who eats pickled herring like a madwoman, but I'm sorry. I don't like intestine.

-While in England, I was thrown off when someone offered to light someone's fag. In America, this is essentially offering to light a homosexual on fire. My cousin told me that in England, a fag is a cigarette, apparently.

-Lloyd Dobbler is the romantic hero in this 1980s movie starring John Cusack called 'Say Anything', for anyone who hasn't seen it and may not get the reference. In the movie, he stands outside Diane Court's window and holds up a boombox playing 'In Your Eyes' by Peter Gabriel to win her over. It's pretty famous, so I figured that Amelia has probably forced Arthur to watch it on several occasions.

-British people like their vinegar, like how Americans like their ketchup. I actually really like vinegar, so I don't get why everyone's all, "Ew, vinegar is so gross!" Since that's the mentality of a lot of Americans, I figured it would be Amelia's mentality, too. My mom used vinegar to clean our windows a lot. What a shame. Vinegar is delicious.