Stop Hiding, Start Feeling

Prologue

This was so new, so out of the ordinary for me. At this point, I couldn't believe that I had run away from this feeling. It felt amazing. She was amazing. I was glad that I had stopped running and started feeling, but I was scared it would fade. I've heard that good things don't last forever, that you can have too much of a good thing. But I believe in her. After all, she is almost everything to me now. She brought me out of the darkness I put myself in, brought down my shields I was using to hide God knows what, and helped me learn to love. Ashley, this is for you.

Ch:1: Better Than I had It

I had just finished with another girl, as the phone rang. This stranger got dressed and left as quickly as she entered and I can't say I felt good because I wasn't sure I did. I called the number back of an old friend of mine. His voice brought back happy memories of when I was younger and had the answers. Now, I'm older and completely lost. Tyson's voice is like a dream to me, something that was too good to be real but was. I smiled as I heard his frantic state over the phone line.

"Kai! You wouldn't believe what I've been through!" he exclaims through gasping breaths of air. I laugh and tell him to go ahead.

He explains that he had asked his girlfriend to marry him, she said yes, and wanted me to be the best man. I accepted without even thinking about it. He was my best friend.

~6 months later~

Nothing has changed. I have a different girl in my bed almost every other day and have begun to disconnect with my friends that have been more like family to me than anyone. I'm too ashamed to speak with them. If any of them had found out my current living conditions and what I do on a daily basis to keep my sanity, they would surely be disappointed. I couldn't deal with that right now, or ever.

I dress in a traditional black suit for Tyson's wedding. I keep my hair the way it normally is: spiky, messy, and utterly sexy. I thought so anyways. So did a few other girls…

I got there ten minutes late with about ten people greeting me at the door like it was my special day. I didn't realize I had been gone so long. My old team, the Blitzkrieg Boys were no where to be seen. I soon see Tyson, congratulate him and his bride, and took my stance among Ray, Max, and Kenny at the alter.

That's when I saw her.

I had never felt my heart stop in a situation as casual as the way she flipped her hair, or the way her chocolate eyes fell on the scene in front of her. The way that black dress clung to her tiny form or the way she first looked at me.

I looked away quickly, terrified of the memorizing hold had on me in that second. I could feel nervousness tight in the pit of my stomach. I could also feel the build up of sweat on my lower back and forehead. I had been with many girls in my life and I refused to believe that this one was any different.

But as soon as I recited the words in my head, my eyes were back on her. My heart gave another unmerciful throb as I watched her lean back into her seat and stare off into space. I wanted so badly to shake my head clear of these thoughts. How could she be this compelling? I've had a million like her before. But I couldn't keep my eyes off of her.

Just then, the organ music began to echo throughout the great church hall and I sighed in relief as the perfect distraction made his way down the aisle. Tyson was the happiest I had ever seen him but I wouldn't dare ask why. He had been dating a girl named Jennifer since we turned sixteen. Now, we're nineteen and he's been happy ever since because of her. I never understood why his eyes would light up at the sight of her, or why he spent so much time with her and barely any with me. I also wondered why, when he talked about them having sex, it was "making love". Why did him getting some mean more than when I did?

I suppressed several yawns throughout the ceremony and stifled a laugh when Tyson's nervousness got the best of him and he dropped the ring. When the embarrassing part was over, it was time for the reception.

The room was set up like a club in which there were no actual lights on except for the strobing kind and other flashing lights that could potentially give you a seizure. It was my kind of scene; or at least, that's where I usually have been for the past few years. Sitting down at one of the white, decorated tables with a shot glass in my hand, I watched as the brown haired girl from earlier danced with her friends, wondering if she was like other girls I've "dated".

But then again, I wasn't sure I wanted to just bang and be gone with her. Something was indeed different with her, but I had no idea why. Suddenly, another guy went up to her; a guy I've seen at tournaments and such, but never spoke to him, or even acknowledged. He was speaking with her now and as I watched her laugh and smile, my stomach gave a painful churn and I was suddenly shaking violently with an anger that I had never known. Why should I be angry at another man speaking with her? I didn't even know her name. But I was suddenly very interested in it. I was interested in much more than her name; I tried to make myself believe that. It's like that with every other girl; I refuse to let this one be any different.

I'm afraid to stand, not trusting my legs to make the trip to where she stood, when she began walking away with this boy. That fueled me enough and as I downed my shot of vodka, all I could think about was stealing her attention and putting it on me. At that moment, I swear I would have done anything for her eyes.

I push past the people dancing on the floor, dodge their sloppy movements and sweat-covered bodies towards her before I lost her in the crowd. I grabbed her arm just as she was about to disappear into a dark corner with this man that was almost four times the size of her. She turns to look at me now, confusion and what looked like relief crosses her face as she stares back with lazy eyes like every girl does when they see my face.

I noticed the guy's hand on her lower back like white on black as I pulled her closer to me. Even I was surprised at my sudden defensiveness towards this beautiful stranger. He looked angry, but I couldn't care less. As I pull her away from him to the middle of the dance floor where we were most hidden, I noticed that she was beginning to come more willingly rather than me just pulling her.

"Thanks. I wasn't exactly sure how to get out of there", she said laughing over the music. To me, her laughter was music all on its own.

I nodded and place my hands on her waist, cautioning her with my eyes at whether she was comfortable with dancing this close to me. I was a stranger to her as well. She smiled at me as she snaked her small arms around my neck with some difficulty. She only was as tall as my collar bone as she strained her head to look up at me with curiosity back in eyes.

"So, what's your name?" She asked as I saw her gain some height. I looked down quickly to notice her standing on her toes to reach me with a bit more ease. I suppressed a smile and looked back into her eyes.

"Kai Hiwatari. And yours?" I tried to keep my voice casual while my heart was stuttering hard in my chest, making my breath come out shallow.

"Ashley Campsall", she said with the same smile.

I sighed with relief. Her name fit her perfectly. We danced slowly to fast songs for the longest time, each not minding having to yell answers to one another as questions began taking over our thoughts. I learned that her favorite color was green and that she never stayed up past 11 during the week. Her birthday was June 6, 1990 and that she owned two cats. Her hobbies were collecting objects and reading. By the time midnight came, I had a million new questions to ask her but she had to leave. However, I did get her number.

I called her later that night and we didn't get off the phone until 6:30am because she wanted my voice to be the last thing she heard before she went to sleep. I couldn't stop thinking about those words even when I was laying in bed half conscious.

I dreamt that I was hanging out at Tyson's house and we were talking about love. He asked if I had ever been in love and I told him yes for some reason. I told him about this girl that was strangely familiar but I couldn't put a name on her. I knew her, and knew her well, but I couldn't find her name. I was going to be seeing her later that day. She lived with me and we had children together. I was also reflecting that I was the happiest I had ever been. I poured my soul to Tyson and was happy that I was feeling everything he was feeling with…

And then I woke up. It was at that moment that I knew that I was in love. I didn't know how, or why, but I did know that I didn't mind because, when it came to Ashley, I would do anything just for her. Damn it. Was it really this easy to put practical strangers in front of your other halves? I never realized that she could be better than I had it; better than I deserved to have it.