I'm done...So done with this... He said he'd protect me, he said he'd save me. Now look at him it's disgusting. He's sleeping with everyone on campass. Ignoring me letting my pain take over. Thats how we got here. He went to far... Belle was my best friend. How could he do this right infront of me. I can feel tears stinging my face. Why? What'd I do I don't get it. He won't speak to me.
"...Antonio..."
His name dripped off my lips like posin. I was like that other girl no one seemed to remeber Maddie. Why? She cheated on her own boyfriend. Do I not matter? Am I a curse? Maybe my brother should have been the only one born. Toni might like him better if it is. Everyone loves Feliciano. Belle would give the world to be his friend instead of mine why aren't I enough I was the first born why am I hated why not even are mother wants me Toni wont stop ignoreing me. It hurts so badly I wanna die. Why was I even born? Theres no point in my existine, everyone wants me dead anyway. Why am I so damned its not fair, I should just die. I wanna die so badly then Feli can have all the attention for all I care. No one cares about me. Kiku even has slept with him. My fratello has his potato pervert, so he wouldnt notice me gone. All I do is take up space.
I could feel it coming up again. The urge to shove my finger down my throat to make my figure prettier for him. I did as usual but this time haven't eat anything. The pain stung as the vomit like acid came up from my stomache. I inspected my finger, there was multiple small scratches on it. I walked over to my kitchen and got the sharpest object I could find. I calmly walked back to my hiding place in my bathroom. I quickly took off my shirt and pants leaving me in a lacey black sports bra and a black pair of underwear. Tears are coming up I can feel them as I bring the sharp blade to slash over my stomache moving up slowly to make cuts across my chest and collar bone. Next I moved all over my arm then wrists crimson red lightly driping all over mixing over pale scares from other cuts and earaser burns. I slid it over my thighs then once to my legs and carefully took the time to carve his name there. Antonio.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
I slung my backpack over my shoulders. I looked in disgust at Belle, as Antonio had his arm around her. I felt a strong force bump against me
"Watch it fag."
My eyes widend only Toni knew I was a bisexual. I looked up and saw Toni smirk as he pointed to me, never before have I been able to read lips, but this moment when it was clear.
"Faggot."
It was cold and I felt anger rush all over me.
"SHUT UP YOU STUPID MAN WHORE! AS IF YOU DON'T SLEEP WITH BOTH GENDERS AND YOUR BROTHERS!" I couldn't belive I said that. Yes, I yelled at Toni before but this time I was so serious and full of hatred. A smooth hand collided with my face as Belle smirked
"Thats not how you talk to my boyfriend faggot." The words were cold and had hit me like ice. I couldn't have walked away fast enough, there was to many people for me to actully fight back, but their words ran threw my head. I was finally far enough away without leaving campus.
"Lovino?"
I looked up the voice was small but enough to catch my attention. I reconised her as Alfreds girlfriend Maddie Williams. I sunddenly felt silent. What if she was here to say the same things.
"Oh you can't see me either? Or are you ignoring me?" She said red flickering threw her purplely blue eyes that were hid behind glasses.
"No I just didnt know your intentions for you talking to me." I sounded so stupid. She smiled and sat by me
"I'm not like them." She smiled her long curly blonde hair in twin pigtails. All she did was sit there until I spoke again.
"So how are you and Alfred?" I asked quickly then switching to playing with my pony tail
She frowned ,and if possible it seemed like she was trying to make her self invisible. It seemed like a touchy subject.
"Alfred could care less about me now." She muttered quietly.
"Sorry." I said I really wish I didn't say that now
We sat talking to each other for along time, about nothing. I almsot forgot about 'him' and I think same with her about Alfred. She smiled brightly as we talked about our home countries. She said how she used to have a lot of stuffed polar bears, and Francis even painted polar bears on her wall. He must not have been as bad as I thought of a brother. I, in return, told her about the tomatoe farm, back in Italy that me and Feliciano left behind, leaving behind all the sad parts about our mother and grandfather. We got along quiet well. For once I wasn't swearing up a storm every 5 seconds. She even said she thinks she's talking louder then she used to. Then I saw it, she went to push some hair behind her ear, there was multiple milky white scars and dark red slice marks. But what got me was the large brusie on the side of her face. She must of noticed, and remembered becuase she pushed her hair back into her face.
"Sorry" She muttered returning quiet.
With no idea what to do, I was reduced to this, "I'll keep your secret, if you keep mine."
I flipped over my wrist slightly. Her face looked surprised then sifted back uncomfortably. She nodded.
"Where are your brusies from?" I asked uncaringly
"Some girls in the locker room. I doubt if Alfreds seen it that he cares. He hates how quiet I am."
She tried to mutter the last sentence, like she felt guilty, like she was cheating on him or something.
I knew what she was going through. I got beat up countless times in the locker room recently. I smiled softly; "This is pretty stupid but can we be freinds?" I blushed at how stupid I sounded. With a nod she smiled too.
"Sounds like fun...Friends." She whispered
(One week later)
I had heavy bags under my eyes. I couldn't belive people. Someone attempted to start Maddies dorm on fire. I can't belive it. Anyway, she's staying with me now. We're both relived, but I noticed we have the same problem. Night terrors.
"Francis is out on a class trip. He didn't hear about the fire, I didn't tell him."
I looked sadly down at Maddie. It was fianlly Saturday, throughout our week bullying picked up and I was tired of being called a fag and a dyke, which, I don't even know what that means! Anyway I don't know why I thought it would take a weekened break but stupid me. I logged on to facebook, 22 people online.
I bit my lip as I read it 58 notifications. I know I shouldn't but, curiosity got me.
Alec Kirkland commented on your status.
Status: When you come over stop eating my last Tomatoe Antonio Fernandez Carriedo
Alec Kirkland: Hey stupid stalker dyke leave Toni out oyur excus of a life.
I swallowed, thats not so bad. 57 notifications left to go. But each one slightly worse then the last till I got to the last one.
Antonio Fernandez Carriedo commented on a photo of you.
The photo was the best day of my life. I loved it, I was standing on the swing and he was next to me holding up a tomatoe.
Antonio Fernandez Cariedo: Take this photo down and hang your self, I never wanna see anything with me next to you fag
I bit my lip and ran to the bathroom. I swung open the wooden cabnet, I new I'd have to fix it later. I picked up the knife, it hadn't been used since 3 days ago. I swiped it against my wrists, bitting my lip I tried to forget my bleeding. I looked at the crimson red drops forming. Blue eyes filled to the brim with tears.
"STRONZO!" I cried out.
There was a pounding on the door, it sounded frantic.
"Lovi, Lovi are you okay? Lovi please don't be- Lovi!" She sounded like she was crying.
I unlocked the door, and stepped out. Showing Maddie I was fine, I looked so weak but so did she. I noticed my laptop was on the ground. She wrapped her arms around me.
"Don't listen to Antonio, you have to live. You have so much to live for, I don't want you to die please." She pleaded
My tank top was getting wet from her tears. I know I shouldn't do it but I did. I lifted her chin up to look at me.
"Maddie." I whispered softly wipping her tears.
Then I did the unthinkable. I leaned down and kissed Maddie. I backed away but, I wish if it wasn't so wrong, that we could stay like that forever, her in my arms.
Sparks flew it was so magical. Love... No people say I can't love. Not that way, they tell me it's sick and wrong. But I love her so much. Maddie her name feels like honey.
Maddie looked up at me so innocently tears gone from her eyes. We stayed staring for a minute, until we both blushed deeply.
"S-sorry." I apologized in case I crossed some sort of line.
"I-it's fine." She said red turning rose pink.
I could almost hear my heart start to pound I felt like it'd pop out of my chest. Amazing.
"Lovi, truth is.. I have.. I have strong feelings...towards you." She admitted going red again.
She was so cute. I almost couldn't answer. I felt so strongly to, like stories about love at first sight, maybe, just maybe, it really happens. I couldn't belive my heart. I wanted to wrap my arms around her again, and kiss her till the sun came up from the darkness. But instead I leaned back down, planting another kiss on her maple syrup tasting lips.
"Maddie...I will always love you." I promise looking like a tomatoe yet again.
She smiled at me. This was now the best night of my life. I never was in love so night we fell asleep in each others arms. Then Toni, and Alfred fell in love, and died the end. I wish, then if that happened this wouldn't be so sad.
The next morning was Sunday. Boy do I hate Sunday, except today, I woke up to the smell of
"Syrup?" I questioned loudly
I could hear Maddie giggle from my kitchen. I slowly stood up putting on a shirt, which I could never seem to sleep in. I streched, and walked to the place of my giggly blonde girlfriend.
"Morning Lovi, you must have been really tired. It's 2 already." She annouced putting a pancake on a large stack.
I walked over and put my head on hers breathing in the smell of her homeade shampoo. Maple syrup, must be her favorite thing. She giggled her quiet little giggles.
"Come on Lovi let's eat." She said moving as I followed her to the table.
"Hey Maddie? Can we be girlfriends?" I ask Maddie nearly choked on her pancake.
I blushed, did I say it wrong? How did I get asked out? Oh yeah passing notes, in a hallway while supposed to be doing work, I have no experince. Maddie chugged her glass of milk before she spoke again.
"O-of course Lovi, I'd love to, I mean after last night, I thought we were, but yeah not it's official." She stuttered making sure she sounded ok.
She could be so cute. I ate my pancakes in akward silence after that only saying a few, 'These are great's. Maddie was to flustered to talk anyway. I thought she was so cute. But then that must have been me a while ago, a cute blushing mess. Hell, I still am sometimes. The pancakes were like heavan in your mouth. The maple syrup tasted like Maddies lips. I've never really went all out to say delisious until now. They were, absolutely delisious, magnifisent.
"Maddie, can we um go on a date? There's a movie I thought we could see, then theres the park, and maybe have dinner at the dinner in town?" I blushed as I failed at not ranting. I'm so flustered right now it's not funny.
"Yeah sounds fun." She said
After an hour of getting ready in seprate rooms we were ready.I had gotten sick twice I went to far and I can't eat yet again, cazzo .I thought I looked ok. I was wearing my black skinny jeans a black shirt that had a red ad for an american soda company on it. And of course, I never went anywhere without it,my black hoddie, with red and black designs on it. But what Maddie was wearing was just gorgeous. A sun dress, it had a white sweater part since it was cold out. The dress was white, with small red maple leaves covering the bottom trim of the dress.
She blushed shyly, I blushed, as I realized I was checking her out.
"Ready to go Lovino?" She asked her voice at it's quiet honey sweet tone.
"Yeah whatever let's go." I say stuffing my hands in my pockets.
We walked out of my dorm together holding hands. When she grabbed my hand I felt my face heat up. When I looked at her, she smiled brightly at me. I couldn't deny her. Holding Maddies hand I realized, I never had felt so safe except for... No, I'm with Maddie, I refuse to think of that bastardo.
"Something wrong Lovi?" She asked
"Niente." I replied I can't tell her I was thinking of him while I'm on a date with her
We walked on for a few minutes, until Maddie found something that caught her attention. She ran to look at whatever it was in the shop window, I walked over to see what it was. I smiled slightly at what she was looking at. A stuffed polar bear display, the background was white and snowy just the way she discribed her home town.
"Oh sorry, we can go to the movie now." She apologized
"It's fine I don't really wanna see the movie. If you want I can get you one." I said motioning to the display.
Her eyes brightned, then she looked down. I could tell, something simular must have happened with Alfred.
"No thanks I'd feel bad." She said looking me in the eyes.
I loved those purpley blue eyes, they made me melt. I realized it at that moment. I couldn't eat, this time I didn't have Vander to cover and say I'd already ate. I was bulimic once again, but Maddie was smarter then Toni. She might realize, I promised I'd get the two of us food at the diner. Cazzo, I can't cover it up this time.
We walked about another hour. The park was Maddies next idea. I had a bad feeling though, we were lucky so far noone from school saw us. I knew the moment they saw us, Maddie would get harrassed, I had to try to protect her. I could see the park slowly come into view. I saw it, it was like they were waiting for us. Alfred and Antonio, They stood with a group of ten people talking and laughing. Maddies grip on my hand tightened.
"Are you sure you wanna go to the park Maddie?" I asked unsure that we should go.
She nodded yes, and seemed to drag me along as she walked faster. Our eyes met for a breif second, He looked back at his group, then said something about us. Maddie dragged us to the swing set. Alfred sent a glare in my direction, it had sent a cold chill down my spine. I moved my arm to around Maddies waist, and glared back, wrong move.
"Ha now the faggots a duo!" Someone from the group yelled .
"Maddie, you should shot yourself before you get Lovinos aids!" Another shouted
Two stepped out of the group that I wish didn't. Alfred, and Antonio, I didn't know what to do, they could say anything.
"Maddie I knew you were pathetic but, to become a faggot, your stupid too, I bet you two dykes gave each other stds." Alfred made a grossed out face to prove his disgust.
"Lovi, your such a little whore, you stupid fag, shoot yourself already cause if I have to see your face I might-" Antonio stepped forward slightly and pushed me to the ground, right into the water fountain.
"Oops." He and his little friends laughed.
The pain surged through my back, like someone hit it with a hammer. But my heart, it felt like a chain saw ripped threw it. I wanted to cry, but I couldn't let myself look week and let them get Maddie next. I picked myself up slowly, looking more hurt then I was, then I launched my self at the stupid spaniard. I sucessfully knocked him to the ground, punching him in the face multiple times.
".Back." I growled hitting him again.
Alfred tried to peel me off, only to get knocked backward himself.
"L-Lovi." The small whispery honey voice said it sounded scared like a little kid and a...Monster...
I got up and walked back to my girlfriend. Pulling her into a quick kiss.
"That's a warning. I have a right to love, but you stronzi 't have one " I swore saying the italian words like posin.
We walked back to the dorm. It was all we could do, we were both scared. Maddie of me, and me of everyone. I walked into the bathroom right away. I fell into a silent sob, bitting my lip to not make a sound. His face it was stuck in my head. He said everthing so matter of factly, he hurt me so effortlessly. He really hated me, but I was over him. Maddie, Maddie was my love. But I was no better then every one else. Willing to punch someone whenever, to get into a meaningless fight, whenever. It was time again, I pulled the knife out taking off my shirt. On my stomache one name was fadding. I can't forget why I hate him. I carved over it, blood forming over every simple cut. I had to smile, not a happy I'm ok smile. He'd done it, I was finally broke, I had the twisted smile on. I wanted him to suffer like me. I hope his brusies never fade. I hope he gets aids from everyon he's slept with. I hope the school burns to the ground.
When I walked out I saw Maddie asleep on the bed. She must have been exhausted, I was pretty tired my self.
"Buonanotte, la mia piccola foglia d'acero." I smoothed her hair, seeing the bruise.
Suddenly, I realized why she was so scared of me earlier. That wasn't a hit from some girl, it was Alfred. I can't blow up like that anymore. Who knows how broke she is? I am but noone but him, knew. I'm so stupid, I've known how stupid I am but tonight, was a rareity, were I realize everything, makeing my self seem so much more stupid. Toni wasn't shy about admitting he took stuff for problem. I however, could never admitt to having insamnia or most of my other stuff.
Maddie is so special. I've never was able to get to sleep before, without meds. But tonight, I lay next to Maddie, and fall alseep, a deep scared sleep.
"Maddie! Please, please, Maddie." I beg as she hold the gun to her chest.
"Lovi I can't let you be with me! Your like Alfred, I can't" She sobbs pulling the trigger.
I realize we're in a hallway, the corridor at school noone uses. The white walls are covered in blood, my shoes are now crimson red. I have blood on me, I have Maddies blood on me. I let her pull the trigger, I'm an abuser. I'm no better then Alfred. I'm a murderer. Why? I destroy everything I touch, I should be dead. Not Maddie, not her. Kill me instead!
"KILL ME INSTEAD!" I cried shooting up out of bed.
Sweat, cold sweat dripped all over my forehead. It was currently 3:45, school was in 3 and a half hours. Maddie was soon up too.
"Lovino! Lovino! Don't let him take me back! Please!" She cried clutching my arm.
My chest tightened. Maddie thought I'd ever let Alfred take her back, but if I stay, I might hurt her. Am I an abuser? I am a curse, so I must destroy everything I touch. I clutched Maddie tightly.
"I'll always protect you! I'm not a fake hero like Alfred. I promise, I'll protect you." I promised.
She sobs face in my chest. Then I realized the contact, and situation. I wasn't wearing a shirt... My god, I don't understand why, but my chest got tighter. A deep tomatoe red blush spread across my face. Maddie choice then to look at me. She wiped her tears with the back over her hand. Long honey blonde hair fowing freely behind her back.
To see Maddies hair down was a rare sight, I don't think Alfred's even seen it. Same with Maddie without her glasses. Yet she's still so beautiful, not matter what. Words can't describe her beauty.
"Maddeline Williams Bonnefoy, I love you." I said looking dead serious.
I leaned down and kissed her forehead. She blinked once, then captured my own lips, sending serious down the drain bringing back my blush. That stupid bitch, but I can't help but love her. We finally managed to fall back alseep. Only to forget we have to suffer tomarrow.
I woke up to my new alarm, the smell of pancakes. Fuck, theres no way Maddie won't catch me now if I throw up.
"Lovi, are you up?" She asked quietly walking into my, no, our room.
"Yeah," I said stretching
"Want some pancakes?" She asked I shook my head quickly.
"No thanks, I'm not hungry, I gonna go take a shower." I told her
I felt bad lying, in reality I was starving. But if I ate I'd throw up, I have a problem named belimia.I felt so bad, a long time ago, well thats how long it feels, I promised Belle I wouldn't cut, and I wouldn't make my self sick anymore. That promise must have disapeared when she did.
I stripped myself of my clothing, before stepping into the shower. I turned the water to a boiling tempurature, scolding my skin. I bit my lip as I grabbed my wash cloth. I did as usual, scrubing my skin fast for a long time leaving bright red stinging marks. I was much more gentle washing my hair but, I got a flashblack yet again.
A young girl screamed along with a string of italian curses.
"YOU LITTLE FAGGOT GET BACK HERE!" Her supposed to be parent yelled grabbing her ponytail to get her to stay.
Tears dripped her face as a large chunck of her chestnut brown hair fell into her mothers hands. Bitting her lip till brusies started to form. It stung so badly, but she didn't know which hurt worse. The sharp stinging, no, burning feeling from her hair being yanked out, or the pain from her lip that she bit into. She decided lip as she tasted something like a million pennys.
A string of french words left her mothers mouth followed by laughter.
I snapped out of it, and turned off the water. I brushed through my chestnut brown hair a few times, leaving it wet I put it into a high ponytail. I put on my clothes slowly, then looking in the mirrior I wanted to scream. Looking at my stupid ice blue eyes had that effect on me. Why did I have to meet Maddie? I could have finally died, I always have to fall to hard dont I?
When I got out Maddie was waiting in her uniform ready to go to classes with me, though we have only one class together.
The uniforms at my school were really simple. For girls, an navy blue blazer, then inside an eggshell white shirt, and a black tie, then a red plaid skirt that goes just above my knees. Then for shoes, for both it's black dress shoes, for girls we have black socks, that go just below our knees. Boys also have the navy blue blazer, but the most inner layer is a white shirt, out side of that one of those black things that are worn with shirts, and black plaid if they want, instead of the blakc thing, it can be an olivey borwn color.
Maddie grabbed her backpack, she looked so carefree. Did she even remember that we were bullied for being in love? I wished we were invisible together. I wish noone saw her but me, but I know thats not right, becuase of Alfred. I felt as Maddie grabbed my hand. I squeezed her hand as we walked down to the school.
People looked at us like we were trash. Love is love, Maddies brother Francis had no problem with people. He'd been out of the closet since middle school. Now he's 17 and noone picks on him. Why us? I heard many whispers of 'faggots' and 'I hope they getting aids and die' with alot of 'their kind shouldn't exist'. Maddie cluthed to me tighter, but I was as scared as she was. I wanted to die right then and there, but now I had to be strong, make a statment, maybe someone would repect me for it. But, maybe not.
The first bell rang. Maddie leaned up and kissed me on the cheek.
"Bye Lovi." She said skipping away, her pig tails danceing behind her as she ran.
I stared in the direction she had ran, till the next bell rang. She had gym class first, they were in their hockey unit. Maddie... She's so brave to go when she knows what will happen. I decided it was no good to stand there and ran to my own class. Wood shop...
I got there just before annoucements, people sent glares in my direction. Even the teahcer, I hoped it was just because I was almost late, but I knew I was wrong. I sat not paying attention as Mrs. Braginski made the annoucemants, until...
"Speacial annoucement to Lovino Vargas, and Madeline Williams Bonnefoy, you two aren't aloud to fuck on my school campus and dorms"
I blinked. There was sevral snickers in the room, I held back tears. Why did even teachers have to make comments. I hope Maddie is ok.
(Maddies pov)
I put on my clothes in the bathroom, that way I could avoid the locker room at all costs. People say I'm groos , yet they always throw me up against the wall and practically rape me. I don't think it's right. When I got in the gym I started stretching in the corner. I listened to the announcements to see if I got picked as the artist of the month. I heard my name but not how I wanted.
Were teahcers even allowed to say that? I couldn't belive that! Did that mean even teachers were against me? Francis always said everyone could love anyone. Love is love, you can't control it!
"Okay on this side of the gym I want Maddeline!" The gym coach yelled
I went to the direction only to realize noone had a stick, everyone else went in the oppisite direction of me. They held up dodge balls, I wasn't scared, they were soft after all. Coach blew his whistle. Th first ball missed but then I noticed as something sharp cut across my skin. It stung badly. I clutched my arm, but when I pulled back, I noticed something sticky and crimson red was on my hand, and it smelled like...Blood...I was bleeding, I looked on the ground around me. Glass covered the floor. Iheld up my arms to sheild my face. Why? Do they want me to die this badly? Can't I be invisible again? I screamed in pain as multiple shards stung my legs. Why? I screamed again as crimson was deeply staining my clothes. Why do they hate me?
(Lovinos pov)
I was standing in the bathroom. Crimson blood all over me. I had been harrassed for my cuts, my sexuality, my idenity disorder, and my eating disorder. I wanna just die already. I took the pills out of my pocket, I also have social anxiety. I never threw myself into a crowd. I went crazy if I didn't take my pill. It helped so I could be in a crowd, but I still hate people.
Today was the worst officially. More death threats spilled out of my locker, on the front of my locker were sticky notes and name tags that said stuff like. Die, Faggot, My Name is Dyke, Lez whore, Get aids and die, probably have stds already, go cut urself. And stuff like that, my cell phone buzzed twice. I opened it to see who the text was from.
Maddie: Lovi please come get me on the roof and wanna go home
I flew my hands across the buttonsa for a quick reply.
Lovino: I'm coming.
I wasted no time to come get her. When I finally got to the roof I wanted to kill someone. There was Maddie, soaked in her own blood. Her homey blonde hair had blood in it, it was tangled in blood. And it was all my fault. Because I talk to her she's getting beat up. I will never let anyone do this again. But to save her, I can't live.
The next morning I decided I couldn't cry when Maddie got up and got ready...
"Oh Lovi do you not feel well?" She asked her voice genuienly concerned,
"Yeah I'm stay home today." I told her she smiled softly
I pulled her into a deep embrace. I slowly pulled her up to my own lips. This kiss was so differnt it was sad, and long. Soon my toungue found it's way into her mouth. Her toungue fought back slightly. When we pulled apart we both were pink in embarrasment.
"Bye Maddie." I said sadly laying down.
"Bye Lovi." She called back five minutes later the door closed, this would be the last time I ever saw Maddie again.
