"Up in the clouds and down in the alleys, over the hills and through every valley. Next to the ocean and above the treetops, below the daisies and stuck in the dewdrops-" I whisked my broom across the perfectly patterned tile on a veranda. It was far too early in the morning for anyone to hear me, so I figured it'd be safe to sing a little tune. But I soon learned I was damn wrong as a grape hit me in the temple. Fuck. Me.
"God dammit, you stupid woman! Voi! Do you have any idea how early it is?" Superbi Squalo, the only twenty year old to ever look like an ancient relic, stamped one of his feet on the ground like an impatient two year old. Well, at least he was being quieter than normal. Which meant he wasn't howling at the top of his lungs but instead managing to echo a stifled screech from the halfway point. Because I was singing. For two seconds. Outside. At six in the morning. Now, granted, my household isn't exactly lax on the whole singing thing, but seriously. I've already cleaned the entire hideout, meaning I've been up since three, and polished all the silverware.
Just like every other day, I've had about ten minutes of actual sleep that wasn't haunted by Xanxus induced nightmares or Belphegor calling me into his room to clean crumbs off his bed. He's got a room like a fucking pigsty but if anything even so much as comes near his precious, four-post bed, he calls in the cavalry. But, to continue making my point, I've cleaned up every mess Squalo has ever made tracking mud and vital human liquids into the house, I've ironed every one of his articles of clothing after spending hours getting the stains out, and I've made him a fantastic breakfast, one dubbed delicious by Lussuria himself, every single for five years. But I sing two notes and he looks at me like I've killed his first-born son? No. Fucking. Way. Not this time. This maid was going to fight back.
"Yes, Master Squalo." and just like that I let my true Italian blood show through, allowing me to be a full-on coward. I fucking hated it here but, at the same time, it was the best I could ever get and, therefore, a total relief. I'd been an orphan before I auditioned for the Varia, the best job I'd ever qualify for was being an old homeless woman with dreadlocks and a seventeen year old chihuahua. Sure, I didn't make any money, I lost so much sleep my body was slowly deteriorating, and I was only allowed to eat dinner, but that was all part of the job. It wasn't supposed to be, though. At age nine me and a horde of young orphans were told, by none other than Superbi Squalo himself, that we were auditioning for a role in a movie that would change our lives.
Of course, it wasn't a movie at all. The Varia were just looking for someone to be their slave and they figured young orphans would be the easiest prey. I fought two other kids to the death with hopes of being in some unnamed sham of a movie. Guess what I won? A full time job that would end up killing me in only a few years' time. Not to mention, once I was told the actual nature of the job, I would be slaughtered if I didn't accept or tried to run away. So here I am, reflecting on my horrible past. In hopes of escaping the absolutely terrible present. Ah, sweet nostalgia.
"Make me some coffee, trash..." Squalo rubbed the side of his head as if he were in some serious pain and left me to wipe grape juice off my own skull. He was probably hung over or something. As much as people like to believe the Varia are clean cut and never let their guard down, this hideout is a fucking cave. Xanxus is always plastered, he has a lineup of healthy men waiting to give him their livers I kid you not, Belphegor lives in absolute filth half the time, and seems to actually adore it, Mammon spends most of the day counting money, he's got all his gold coins lined up in his room and watches my every move when I clean in there, Lussuria has seriously built himself a little rape dungeon and leaves to go in search of Filipino boys in cutoff denim shorts at least three night a week, Leviathan doesn't ever do anything other than go get more piercings, honestly I've never seen him do a single thing around here except walk in and out the front door, and Squalo gets drunk and screams at people far more often than you'd think. And guess who gets to clean all of that up? You guessed it! Me, the maid.
I don't even have a name anymore; I'm just Maid at this point. Though I'll admit than Xanxus and Squalo have given me the pet names Trash, Scum, and Woman. I put my broom away sharply and scuffed into the kitchen. It's not that I hate being a maid, I'm actually just fine with cooking and cleaning for everyone, I just want some damn respect. But, it doesn't seem like my longing will be answered anytime soon. Honestly, I'm just happy to have a place to live, regardless of the job I have to perform. So, thinking of the pros and not the extremely outweighing cons, I managed to make Squalo a perfect pot of coffee and brought his favorite mug up to his room. He slammed the door in my face with no thank you. Oh well. I was used to all of that by now.
So I dragged myself back to the kitchen to make Xanxus his breakfast. It consisted of a collection premium cockatiel eggs, straight from Mumbai, and a steak large enough for a bear and his family. I had to make sure everything was properly packaged and sealed, as to avoid the salmonella issue that nearly killed me last month, and then the meat had to be grilled perfectly to a red and juicy rare. That was brought to his room and placed on the nightstand next to his bed.
Then came the preparation of everyone else's breakfast. There had to be toast, enough butter for an entire country to live on, a collection of muffins, jams, jellies, and even the occasional marmalade. Lussuria got a choice cut of meat, due to his high protein needs, and Squalo's selection of fantastic foods had to be brought up to his room. How I handled all of this I did not know. I had about three hours to sweep, vacuum, and mop the entire house, which was not a house as much as it was a town, and check all the mouse traps in Belphegor's room which turned up fruitless.
Add become an exterminator to the to-do list. Because of the Varia's assassin lifestyle I was forced to do everything. Luckily, they took care of the house very well aside from the occasional plumbing issue. But lately Bel's room had been attracting mice, ants, cockroaches, and any other evil pest you can think of. Instead of calling an exterminator or at least someone who knows what they're doing, they'll have me try my hand at it. Something will go wrong and I'll be subjected to brutal punishment. That's how it goes every time there's a house problem.
I made a mad dash back down to the kitchen at eleven thirty to be called upon like a short order cook. At about one, I was finally able to get some serious work done. I cleaned all the rooms, including the gym, checked the pool and cleaned out any stray leaves, washed the windows, finished the dishes, cleaned the kitchen for the this time, and took care of any other possible issues at the house. I found Mammon's lost gold coin, ordered Bel a pizza and protected it from the other hungry Varia, helped Lussuria pick out shorts for his boy-toy, and brought Squalo aspirin. At five, I was ready to collapse from hunger, exhaustion, and general lack of joy, but I prevailed long enough to make a perfect dinner of authentic, Sicilian pizza and a platter of lamb's heart for Lussuria. I packed away seven slices of my creation, two hunks of tiramisu, and about a gallon of water. Then, after cleaning the kitchen a fourth time, I finished my garden work and curled up in a ball on a couch for the most sleep I'd get in a long while. Cue page from Lussuria.
"What is it?" I gave my favorite fruit basket of a man a blank stare. Make no mistake; he is my favorite because I haven't met any others.
"Well, I was sitting around and I thought we might have a little girl time~!" he crooned, tossing a generic fashion magazine to the side. Great. Now I had to pick that up. And participate in Lussuria's version of 'girl time'. It consists of me rigorously styling his already perfectly manicured nails while he asks me pointless questions and discusses his vivid sex life.
"Isn't girl time having fun at the mall? Not forcing your maid to talk to you and do your nails?" I grumbled, hoping he'd let me go sleep. Sweet, sweet blissful sleep. I haven't seen the in such a long time.
"I know girl time isn't shooting a maid in the face!" and sleep would just have to wait. Lussuria smiled as I started filing feverishly.
"Now I want to hear about all the men in your life, and I mean all the dirty details~"
"Lussuria, I live in a house with only the Varia. I was told if I had any romantic relations with any of the Varia, I'd be killed. Obviously there's no romance in my life." it was true. I was fifteen and totally clueless about anything romantic. The only thing I would ever sleep with would be the bed or the couch. But that was okay because I had a job and a home. Yes, it was a job that shook the very fiber of my being with displeasure and horror; however, it was still a good job.
"What about Bel? You're his toy, aren't you~?" Lussuria giggled. I thought he was going to hold both his arms up and sing the word scandalous.
"Again. Varia officer. I'd die."
"That doesn't matter, love conquers all!"
"I want to live."
"You mean love."
"No, I mean live. I want to stay alive. Unless it means we have to keep talking." I was about ready to stab myself in the chest. Lussuria shrugged it off like it was nothing.
"Fine, we can talk about me instead..." and the rest has been censored for my mind and yours. I finally made it out of there at about seven, only to be called away by Belphegor. What fun! He was probably having trouble finding anything in his shit hole of a room. I cleaned it every single day but it was always disgusting the next. And that's what I mean by respect. At least have the decency to throw things in the actual trash.
"What is it?" I had brought all my cleaning supplies in case things got out of hand. I also had some rat poison for any demonic mice that may have been terrorizing him. But no, he was lying on his precious, four-post bed spinning his tiara around one of his bony fingers. I tried not to look directly at his smile for fear of being blinded.
"I need my jacket and I want you to polish my crown." he started snickering as if it was the most hilarious joke of all time. I went into his closet and tugged his beloved Varia jacket off the hanger. Leave it to him to abuse the power of the maid. Of course, he stood up and held his arms out instead of taking the article of clothing and putting it on himself. I couldn't say I minded too much. He was my favorite of the officers because he never made me do anything too cruel. Squalo liked to pour pots of coffee on my head if they weren't perfect, Xanxus tortured me if his meals weren't exact, Mammon thought I was a thieving bitch, Leviathan punched me in the chest every time he saw me, and Lussuria forced me to listen to his sex stories. Belphegor only had me clean his room and dress him. I don't know why, probably just because he was some horny sixteen year old, but he strongly preferred me putting his coat. Plus, he let me wear his crowns sometimes and they made me feel pretty.
I was used to wearing a maid's outfit constantly, so putting on a crown while I cleaned his pigsty of a room made me feel gorgeous. Most people would think a maid's outfit would make you feel attractive, but mine's less than flattering. It goes to just below the knee, nothing sexy there, and it's got a collar so I don't ever feel like a little French maid or anything. But I put on a tiara and feel like a pretty princess! It's the little things for someone like me. I slid each sleeve of his gangly arms and zipped the trench coat up to mid chest.
After five years, you learn exactly how everyone likes everything. I have the shape to get for Lussuria's nails down to a science and I know every possible place for Mammon's coins to hide. Food has been exacted and I even know which scents not to use when cleaning certain parts of the house. I got to work polishing his favorite crown before fixing it in his hair just the way he liked it. A little crooked, to the left side, secure but loose, and polished like a dream.
"Have fun killing people." I gave him a little wave and headed through the marsh of trash that had formed before sliding out the door.
"I'll bring you a souvenir~ Ushishishishi~" he sang, chortling his signature giggle. That gave me just enough time to collapse on the couch before I fell asleep.
"You've been staring at the class for five minutes, introduce yourself or sit down!" a furious voice called me back from my nostalgia. I glanced at my surroundings in disbelief. I was in total shock from the previous events of the night and everyone was staring at me like a bug under a microscope. I mustered up the last bit of my voice and addressed the children in front of me.
"I'm Ragazza..." I rubbed a pair of sweaty palms on my new, pale blue skirt. Every ounce of normality had been sucked from my life. I felt pressured to say more, though I was simply hoping to keep from bawling,
"I'm new to... N-N-Namimori."
Hope for a new story~ I've just been itching to write something fresh and I've never read a maid story before! Plus, I'm sort of tired of the classic hitman story... People have done that to motherfucking death! Anywho~ I hope all you readers enjoyed this and want to stick around for more! Thanks for reading, mooncalves~
~DNS
