You've Got to be Kidding Me

A Drabble by B'Danya

A/N: It came to me while I was watching "Into the Fire" (301), and I decided to write an early April Fools Day fic. Very mild spoilers for anything up to that point.

"Sir?" Sam questioned, blinking. She was certain that she had heard General Hammond wrong. There was just no way that he could have just said what she thought he said. It was 0300 in the morning; obviously her tiredness was getting the best of her.

"You heard me, Captain. The MRI machine is down, and we need a fool proof method of ensuring that none of the returning personnel have been taken as Goa'uld hosts," he explained logically.

"But sir, I really don't think…" she began, interrupted by a message over the PA system that there was an incoming wormhole.

"You'd better get down to the gate room, Captain. SG teams 2, 3, and 7 are due back." The tone of the General's voice left no room for questions.

She dutifully made her way there and, apparently also on the General's orders, found herself blindfolded. "I can do this with my eyes open, you know," she had protested as Walter tied it around her head.

She couldn't see his grin as he replied, "We can't have you accused of favouritism, Captain."

With a sigh, she allowed herself to be led into the room, remembering the General's order that she must use her ability to sense the presence of a Goa'uld on every person that came through the Gate… and since it apparently was a stronger feeling when she was in physical contact, that she would greet each person with a hug.

The first few people who came up to her gave her more of a clasp on the shoulders than a hug, which wasn't so bad. So far, no Goa'uld. No one was speaking; the only indication that someone was coming up to her was footsteps down the ramp.

The next few gave her a friendly hug: more than the gripping of her shoulders, but nothing lewd. She cleared each of these people as well.

Finally a few people took advantage of the situation. Three gave her inappropriate hugs, clearly pressing their chests against hers. A fourth had been bold enough to grab her ass. When he released her, she promptly knocked him to the floor. "I don't know who you are, but I'll find out," she warned, fighting the urge to rip off the blindfold. The sound of a person running from the room was the only response she got.

She heard one more set of footfalls on the ramp, then the sound of the wormhole disengaging. "Let's get this over with," she called out to whoever was on the ramp, spreading her arms for the inevitable hug. An almost itchy feeling began as the person had moved halfway down the ramp. As the person came closer, she could tell that there was a definite Goa'uld presence. Before she could say anything, she felt herself caught in a bear hug. "He's Goa'uld!" she shouted, trying to warn the SF's and the control room.

The responding laugh and release surprised her until she recognized the voice. "Is that any way to greet your old man?" Jacob asked, pulling the blindfold from her eyes. The look of confusion on Sam's face was priceless. "Happy April Fools Day, kid."

It only took her a moment to catch up to the information and grin. "Do you know what this means?" she asked gleefully. Jacob shook his head. Looking at her watch, she explained. "It's 0315… I have eight hours and forty-five minutes to plan and exact my revenge!"

Jacob's heart went out to the poor fools that would be facing her wrath.