(Disclaimer- I own nothing of the Twilight Saga.)
heyyyy! i hope that people are actually reading this, and that i've not just typed it for no reason at all.
so this is the new MAN-BELLA story. it'll only be a few chapters long, not a real story, per say, but it should
be at least a little bit amusing. so i hope that you enjoy it. and please leave me some reviews and even ideas of
what you would like to see happen in the story, like any scene you'd like me to write. thank you!
Friendly Disputes
I knocked on the door. Three times. What did that bloodsucker want now? Every single day for the past ninety years he'd called me. Every time, in that stupid, desperately whiney voice of his, he'd beg me to come and "hang out." In case he'd forgotten, hanging upside down in bat caves wasn't really my thing.
He answered the door, a big dopey grin on his face. "Hey!" He said, bouncing a little in excitement.
"Hey." I tried only slightly to alleviate the annoyance in my tone. He knew I didn't want to be here. "What do you want, Edward? I'm on a time limit, here. If I don't get home in time, Embry's gunna eat my steak." He raised his eyebrow, confused. I sighed. "You said it was important." Otherwise I would never have agreed to come. I didn't say it, but he heard me anyway. His gleeful expression faltered.
"Oh…Uh…" He looked away from me, his mouth twitching nervously. "Well…there was a matter…of…importance…but, it was resolved." He smiled again, a little too widely, triumphant. I shook my head.
"That wasn't convincing at all. You didn't even have a reason, did you? Seriously, Edward. That's pathetic. When are you going to realize? I'm not your companion, I'm not your friend, and I'm certainly not Bella." I motioned to myself with my hand. "Do I look like a girl to you?"
Edward glared at me, his hands balling into fists. "Actually, yes. But not as pretty."
I laughed at his comment, tempted to tease him on the fact that he'd admitted I was pretty, but continued on like I hadn't even heard it. I was having too much fun. I kept going, a big smile on my mouth.
"And you can forget about Bella ever wanting to be with you again. I mean, considering the fact that you've become so annoyingly clingy—and also your burning desire for me and my body. That won't help much either." I chuckled, shoulders bouncing with amusement. I couldn't seem to stop myself.
"I'm warning you, dog" He sneered the word, leaning closer to me. I continued to shake with laughter. "One more word and you're dust." One cold finger brushed across his neck in a threatening gesture.
"Isn't that your destiny—winding up in somebody's dustpan? Where's my stake?" I tapped at my pockets, pretending to search for it while Edward glared at me. Snorts tumbled from my nose again and again, a river of hilarity. This was just too good. He was so easy to mess with. "Or, better yet, the sun. Where did that yellow ball wander off to? Oh. Excuse me! Where have my manners gone? You're not like other vampires. The sun doesn't kill you. It makes you sparkle." The word curled off of my tongue in the girliest tone I could manage. I bowed to him, pretended to take off a hat. "My Lady,"
"Dammit, you stupid mongrel!" He pushed off the doorframe, breaking the handle on the way out, his fingers reaching for my throat. I pivoted to the left, snickered when he fell to the ground on his hands and knees. My death was vivid in his eyes—even I could see it. But still, he was just so damn funny.
"Now who's the dog? Come here boy!" I called, slapping at my knees. "C'mon. You can do it! Puppy wanna treat?" I knew the baby talk was going to upset him—that was why I did it—but still, I didn't expect it'd work so well. It took only a matter of three seconds before we were rolling across the ground, down the winding driveway away from his house. I caught a glimpse of Emmett in the doorway, snapping pictures.
Edward snarled at me, tearing the neck of my shirt with claw-like hands. Maybe it'd have been smarter to have shut my mouth by that time, but I simply couldn't control the stream of insults that kept brewing in my head.
"Can't wait to get my clothes off, huh? That why you had me come over then? Miss Bella so much you'd settle for me? Or have you always been pining for me, using her as a cover-up? Bet you've always played for the other team."
Edward let out a roar of fury, shoving my face into the dirt, our dizzying roll jolting to a stop. I coughed as the grains of sand and rock filled my mouth, writhing as he straddled my back. I couldn't even turn my head to spit the filth out of my mouth. When I tried, I just came up with another tongue full of muck.
"Get the hell off me, you stupid leech!" I kicked my legs up into his back as hard as I could, still struggling to get him off of me, a gag rising in my throat at the texture in my mouth. He was the one laughing now, and I didn't like the sound of it. It irritated me beyond belief. Kicking harder, I managed to reach my fist up and strike his jaw. He swayed above me for just a minute, giving me enough time to turn myself. I was facing him now. I took advantage of it.
I attacked, throwing myself onto him and rolling again. Fists flew in every direction, punching at everything that came in the way. I struck a rock at one point, and though it wasn't much different from punching him, I nearly had to ask him to stop so I could get some ice for it. But that'd have been a wimpish thing to do, and I was not about to let him break me. Stupid bloodsucking man-lover. I growled, throwing my forehead hard against his. Stars passed in front of my eyes as his knuckles crossed my jaw again.
And then I was stuck.
"Ow! Dammit!" Humiliation had me wishing I could crawl into a hole with some real wolves, but I didn't want to admit to the shame of the situation yet. Then again, I couldn't roll anymore, stuck as I was. The pain was whipping across my head in rapid little waves, and Edward just kept on trying to get me to move along with him in the mud. "Stop it, stupid! My hair's stuck on a friggen branch!"
He didn't seem to hear me.
"Knock it off!" I yelled at him, smacking him on the back of the head. My hair was twisted completely around the twig sticking out of the ground, jabbing into the flesh of my scalp. Edward tugged at me harshly, seeming not to have heard me yet, and I pathetically squealed like a child. "Dammit! My fucking hair is caught, idiot!"
His dark gold eyes flickered to my hair, wincing when they locked on the demon that pinned me to the ground. He nipped at his lip, looking absurdly apologetic and concerned. He leaned closer, twisting his own head to get a better look, bending down on his hands and knees beside me, lowering his face to the sand by my head.
"What're you lookin' at it for, you stupid…thing! It's not going to look any different than any other branch out here—not going to turn and smile at you, or do a little jig. Just get the damn thing out of my hair!"
"I'm sorry! Oh!" He cringed as his fingers tenderly worked at my hair, trying to pry it loose from the gnarled piece of tree holding me captive. I muttered unintelligibly, sputtering a low rant of profanities as the hair ripped from my head.
"SHIT! What the hell are you trying to do!?" I shouted when the pain struck my crown like a cap of acid. Edward pulled away from me, looking slightly dumbfounded, little afraid. I tried hard not to punch him as he flicked a finger lightly at the tree branch.
"Oh my," He murmured. "Boy, it's really in there." He shook his head in incredulity, lowering once again to inspect it.
"Dammit, stupid parasite!" That was all it took. His ridiculous need to examine the thing up close again set me off, and I ripped my head forward, pulling the stick with me. My hair swung, catching Edward by surprise, and stuck to his. The branch was holding our heads together now—at the scalp.
"You've gotta be kidding me."
"You got me stuck on you!" He shouted, sounding appalled and pretty mad. I risked a chuckle, punching him in the shoulder blade.
"Knew you were a pansy." I muttered, knowing it would rile him up. Plus, he kinda walked right into that one. The double meaning in his words may not have been intended, but it was definitely there. "'S not my fault you fell for me. I've gotta say you did a pretty good job of making it seem like you were into Bella. Guess a part of me always knew, though. I see the way you look at me." I snickered, tugging my head to the side as hard as I could, hoping to hurt him.
He gasped in pain, but so did I. "Guess that wasn't the smartest idea." I admitted, rubbing absently at the spread of fire burning my skull.
"Your birth wasn't a smart idea."
"And yours was? Hell, you got two births. One as a woman, then another as a bloodsucking rat." I rolled my eyes when he stared me down, his own brimming with madness, face much too close to mine. Stupid tree branch. Nature sure as hell would get a kick in the ass the second I got outta this. "Oh, sorry. Did I say woman?"
Edward nodded, his mouth and eyes tight, obviously not believing the half-assed innocence I'd pulled into my tone. I ignored the pull at my hair, the slight grimace on his face.
"Yeah. Sorry 'bout that. I meant to say girl, actually."
And then we were at it again.
